Wow

It's been such a long time, I'm a horrible blogger.  I don't think you could even call me a blogger at this point, I'm just a random internet poster...

Life is good right now.  Different than what I think it should be, but good. 

I'm not running.  I decided that a) I mean wow, it's a lot harder to run with an extra 20lbs and b) I don't think wrecking my body right before starting IVF is a great idea anymore. 

Yes, you heard right.  Still have that extra 20lbs.  The lbs I put on "because of the IVF drugs"...they never melted away like I wanted them to after all the meds stopped.  I kept eating, and they kept clinging.  So I'm now at a "comfortable" 20lbs over my goal weight...which isn't great.  But I'm learning to live in this skin right now.  I want to be happy mostly right now.

Work is making that last statement a little difficult.  My job isn't boring, that's for sure.  And if you heard what I do, you might think it would be.  But the position I'm in is a lot of responsibility, which I like.  But 15 hour days as much as I've done isn't healthy for anyone.  I know that when February rolls around and I'm taking off lots of time for procedures, tests, and scans...I'll be struggling.  But at least I can say I did my time!

In the midst of the madness, B and I decided that we need another getaway!  So, you know what we decided to do!!! We're going back to Vegas!!! We seem a little addicted, no?  But this time we're actually gonna go to Disneyland beforehand for a couple of days and then head to V Town.  I'm so looking forward to 10 days away from the office.  And this is another last hurrah before we jump on the IVF rollercoaster.  Hopefully this is our last Last Hurrah...hopefully it works next time.

So I just found out about a week ago that a friend of mine just had a miscarriage...her second one in just a few months.  I didn't even know she was trying, and I definitely didn't know that she was struggling as much as she is.  We chatted about it for a little bit, as much as we could in the state she was in (it was about 4 days after her miscarriage).  I just hurt for her so bad...I hate that I can relate, but I really value that I can relate.  Ya know? 

I've had a few people over the last month or so (especially at the office) throw the whole "just wait til you have kids and you'll see how easy you had it" thing at me.  I'm mostly over those comments...until I fall down that dark hole of "what if it doesn't ever work for us?"  I don't really believe that, I believe we'll be parents. I just hope we don't have to go through too much more to get there.  And I wish people would understand the pain that goes along with that. 

But I didn't.  I didn't understand.  How could I? ...and now that I do, I hope I can offer a little hope or a little understanding to those that are in the same painful boat.

...

Now I'm just a ranting random internet poster.

I don't know that I'll be back all the time until we start back on the rollercoaster.  But I'll try to stop by a little more with updates.  For instance- I went and saw my old endocrinologist...big mistake.  He kept me in the office for 2 hours, said I needed to do another thyroid ultrasound because he was concerned...and then gave me a script for a ridiculous amount of bloodwork.  I have to do another 24 hour urine collection, awesome.  And I've got a brain MRI I need to get done now, too.  I knew that one was coming, I want to check on the pit. tumor to get a baseline before we get pregnant (we WILL get pregnant).  Hopefully it shows that it's all gone!!!!!!!!! That's my goal!!!

I miss everyone- I hope things are well and happy and carefree! Oh I do hope for a carefree holiday for everyone, although I know how hard that is.  I can hope, can't I?

Merry Christmas!