I honestly don't think I'm in the right state of mind to be writing, but I just had to. I need this therapy. Or I need to pretend like I'll get over this. Or I just need. This can't be real.
Went in for another HCG test this morning to make sure it's still going down like it's supposed to. Remember it dropped to the 1900's last time (Monday, a week after the initial shot). It went up to 2500 today (almost two weeks after the shot). That's not normal. That's not even close to normal. They were dumb-founded. And that's not a good place to be, with your doctor dumb-founded.
So they said I needed a second shot of methotrexate immediately. And they wanted me to go get a high resolution ultrasound to see what was going on/make sure that I didn't have a massive ectopic about to rupture a tube or something.
B and I left work to go together to get the shot and get in for an ultrasound right away. My nurse was super nice, saying she was sorry this was going on and on. Offering to be there this weekend if I needed to call about symptoms from the MTX, etc. Of course, telling me to stay away from sex, exercise, alcohol, green leafy vegetables...the usual.
Then we went to the imaging place. This is where One Day's world falls apart. This is where I realize I will never be the same.
There is no ectopic. There never was an ectopic. There is a gestational sac. And there is a yolk sac. This was, at one point, a viable intrauterine pregnancy. And we killed it...we're killing it.
As soon as the picture came up on the screen and I saw the sac, I started crying. I asked if that was a yolk sac. She said yes. I asked if it was a "pseudo sac" like our doctor told us. She didn't say anything.
They brought a doctor in to rescan me. She spent a lot of time talking to us, handing me tissues, trying her hardest not to say the wrong thing about our doctor and his "protocol". But she told us that HCG levels don't really matter- as long as they're going up, that's what matters. She said that she would tell me, if I was her patient, to come back in a week to see if they can find a clearer fetal pole. I told her I was just administered a second dose of methotrexate...and then she said nevermind.
We killed this baby. They killed this baby.
I want to scream. I want to die. I've never been so lost in my life. This is the most horrific pain I've ever felt. To think that the doctor stopped my progesterone a week after my initial beta test. And it still hung on. To think that we poisoned it with mtx...and it still hung on. They have never seen HCG rise after two weeks on MTX. It rises after 4 days, then it's supposed to drop (and keep dropping). It doesn't rise. That's unheard of. All I can think is that it was trying to hold on. ...and then we did it again. Right before I found out.
How could he not have sent me for a high res ultrasound before the first shot? How could he not have waited for the second until after the ultrasound? WHY DO I TRUST DOCTORS? never. again.
I'm not in a good place to be writing this. I'm not in a good place.
This can't be real.