Friday, September 3, 2010

please. please no.

I honestly don't think I'm in the right state of mind to be writing, but I just had to. I need this therapy. Or I need to pretend like I'll get over this. Or I just need.  This can't be real.

Went in for another HCG test this morning to make sure it's still going down like it's supposed to.  Remember it dropped to the 1900's last time (Monday, a week after the initial shot).  It went up to 2500 today (almost two weeks after the shot).  That's not normal.  That's not even close to normal.  They were dumb-founded.  And that's not a good place to be, with your doctor dumb-founded. 

So they said I needed a second shot of methotrexate immediately.  And they wanted me to go get a high resolution ultrasound to see what was going on/make sure that I didn't have a massive ectopic about to rupture a tube or something.

B and I left work to go together to get the shot and get in for an ultrasound right away.  My nurse was super nice, saying she was sorry this was going on and on.  Offering to be there this weekend if I needed to call about symptoms from the MTX, etc.  Of course, telling me to stay away from sex, exercise, alcohol, green leafy vegetables...the usual.

Then we went to the imaging place.  This is where One Day's world falls apart. This is where I realize I will never be the same. 

There is no ectopic.  There never was an ectopic.  There is a gestational sac.  And there is a yolk sac.  This was, at one point, a viable intrauterine pregnancy.  And we killed it...we're killing it.

As soon as the picture came up on the screen and I saw the sac, I started crying. I asked if that was a yolk sac. She said yes.  I asked if it was a "pseudo sac" like our doctor told us.  She didn't say anything.

They brought a doctor in to rescan me.  She spent a lot of time talking to us, handing me tissues, trying her hardest not to say the wrong thing about our doctor and his "protocol".  But she told us that HCG levels don't really matter- as long as they're going up, that's what matters.  She said that she would tell me, if I was her patient, to come back in a week to see if they can find a clearer fetal pole.  I told her I was just administered a second dose of methotrexate...and then she said nevermind. 

We killed this baby. They killed this baby.

I want to scream. I want to die.  I've never been so lost in my life.  This is the most horrific pain I've ever felt.  To think that the doctor stopped my progesterone a week after my initial beta test.  And it still hung on.  To think that we poisoned it with mtx...and it still hung on.  They have never seen HCG rise after two weeks on MTX.  It rises after 4 days, then it's supposed to drop (and keep dropping). It doesn't rise.  That's unheard of.  All I can think is that it was trying to hold on.  ...and then we did it again.  Right before I found out. 

How could he not have sent me for a high res ultrasound before the first shot? How could he not have waited for the second until after the ultrasound? WHY DO I TRUST DOCTORS? never. again.

I'm not in a good place to be writing this. I'm not in a good place.

This can't be real.

36 comments:

  1. Oh, hon. I am so, so sorry you are going through this! Ugh. My heart is breaking for you. Please know I am sending you all my love...

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  2. Omg, that is awful. I am so sorry. There are no words that will make you feel better. We are here for you.
    I am so angry right now. X

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  3. I want to hold you until the pain goes away.
    I'm so very sad and so very sorry.
    I agree, this can't be real.

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  4. I have never commented before..but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. My heart and soul hurt for you.

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  5. I can't believe this! I am so sorry that I didn't suggest the ultrasound! I assumed you had had one!

    I am so so sorry. Words cannot express how much I want to make this better. Please let me know if you need ANYTHING!

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  6. OH MY GOD! I am horrified and appalled. Not ordering the ultrasound before the 2nd metho shot seems like gross negligence. If I were you I would talk to a lawyer soon..of course that won't make you feel better. I am SO SO sorry. My heart is just breaking for you.

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  8. Oh dear. I am honestly at a loss for words. Sending you healing thoughts and prayers.

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  9. This doctor seems like a freakin moron. How could he not have sent you for this ultrasound sooner? Nothing was making sense and you knew it and nobody would listen to you. I am absolutely disgusted by the medical profession and my heart is breaking for you. This asshole better apologize to you, not that it will help at this point. Can you imagine it was his wife that was going through all of this.

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  10. OMG. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

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  11. I cannot believe this has happened, I am so, so sorry. I am thinking of you.

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  12. I dont even have words... I am so sorry. I am praying for miracles this very second. Praying without ceasing.

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  13. Shocked, horrified, stunned, and incredibly sorry can only begin to describe how I'm feeling for you right now. What a dreadful travesty - this should not have happened. Wishing I could just wrap you up in love right now. (Came over from Meim's blog).

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  14. There are no words to describe how disgusted I am with your Dr. There is no excuse. You deserve answers. Demand them. God bless you and your breaking heart. And the beautiful little life that has been stolen from you.

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  15. Here from Meim's blog too. I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to suffer through this unimaginable situation. Sending huge virtual (((HUGS)))

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  16. Just wanted to stop in and let you know that I'm still here. I'm thinking of you, and sending every bit of love and support I can in your direction. Again, please let me know if you need anything.

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  17. Thinking about you too...and sending love...

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  18. I so deeply hurt for you and can't imagine what pain you must be feeling. Sending positive thoughts your way as you and your husband navigate through this extremely difficult time.

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  19. I know nothing that I can say will make things better, but know that my heart is breaking for you. I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this.

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  20. There are not enough words in the English language to express how deeply sorry I am that you've had to go through this. To say it's not fair is an understatement. To say say that you must feel incredibly angry, hurt and down right betrayed by your doctor's is also an incredible understatement and the word dissapointed and sad I'm sure don't cover it. The only thing I can say is to feel whatever it is your feeling without apology. Talk to whomever you trust, vent, write and take care of yourself. Listen to what your body and emotions are telling you. Also remember that we can only move forward in life and that you are brave enough to see this unfair tragedy through. You have your husband, your friends and us, those who understand. I'm thinking of you... truly.

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  21. Here from LFCA.

    In the couple years that I have been reading LFCA I have never read a line that just made me want to burst into tears like yours did. I've never read your blog before, but I grieve with you. I would have never thought a thing like this could have happened. I cannot imagine your pain. I hope that you find comfort to make it through this. Please don't blame yourself, this is a terrible tragedy in which you are a victim.

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  22. Omigod. I am so, so incredibly sorry. This is absolutely horrible heartbreaking situation.

    As others have said - DO NOT blame yourself for this. This is not your fault.

    HUGE hugs.

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  23. I feel like throwing up reading this..I have never commented before..I don't even know what to say, I have no words..Saying I am so so so sorry is all I can say Even though it doesn't come close to being enough. I pray for you and your husband in this nightmare of a situation.

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  24. so sorry for the crap you are having to deal with. Time for a new doctor and a new lawyer!

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  25. I simply CANNOT imagine what you must be feeling right now. My heart goes out to you and your DH. Words just cannot express how this makes me feel - and I'm sure they don't do justice to what you're feeling. I'm outraged on your behalf. This is just so horrible. Today is the first day I encountered your blog but please know that the IF community is here for you whether we knew you before or not. Just know that this is NOT your fault. And you WILL get through it - somehow. ::HUGS::

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  26. I think I might throw up. I am so incredibly devastated to read this. I simply can't imagine the pain that you are going through right now. PLEASE know that this isn't your fault. It does not make it any better, but you need to know that. I'm praying for you and your husband.

    (((hugs)))

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  27. Oh I am so, so, so sorry. ((hugs))

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  28. I just want to say how sorry I am. I wish there was something, anything, to say to make you feel better. No one should ever have to go through this. Sending so many prayers your way.

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  29. Here from Twitter.

    I don't know you but right now I wish that I could give you a hug in person. I am angry and hurt for you. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. Please know that there are many of us praying for y'all and sending you comforting thoughts frmo miles away.

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  30. Here from LFCA,

    I felt so sad and angry when I read this. So very negligent of your doctor and how absolutely heartbreaking and devastating for you. Can't even imagine what you must be feeling. Sending lots of comforting thoughts your way.

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  31. I am here from LFCA, I am so incredibly sorry for what has happened to you. It is absolutely mind blowing and heartbreaking. You are in my prayers....

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  32. OMG! I feel like I've been hit by a truck reading this. AWFUL! This is just awful. I'm so terribly sorry. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Please consider consulting a lawyer. This dr should not get away with this.

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  33. Oh honey. This is unimaginable. I'm so very sorry. (Here from LFCA)

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  34. OMG, I am so incredibly sorry. This is horrid. Awful.

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