20 weeks, 1 day! Growing, growing, growing... (pics)

Expansion is the name of the game right now.  I've hit some sort of turning point and babies are making themselves far more known nowadays (with lots of movement- yay!- and by increasing this belly size!).  Went to the doctor for our 20 week anatomy scan on Wednesday and I had gained 6 pounds from our last appointment about 2.5 weeks prior!  So I'm now OVER my pre-pregnancy weight by a good few pounds :) She brought up the fact that, honestly, they'd like to see twin mamas be up 20lbs by 20 weeks...and I had that whole deficit thing, so keep eating!

 I asked about my "nutritional intake" and my worries that continuing to eat what sounds good all the time might not be healthiest for the offspring.  She disagreed for right now.  She told me to keep eating whatever, just get some good nutrition in, too.  I am doing that- I'll eat some fruit, veggies, and protein everyday (on top of lots and lots of carbs, junk food, and anything that sounds remotely good in the moment like french fries...).  We've held off on the gestational diabetes test because my nausea was so bad that she felt like I'd puke up that orange drink anyway so there'd be no point.  Now that I'm 20 weeks, we're just going to do it at the normal time of 24 weeks (even though I've had some tests before this pregnancy come back with hypoglycemic numbers and sky rocketed blood sugar numbers...not good).

The anatomy scan went FABULOUSLY!  I can't tell you how nervous I've been that we'd get news of scary things or that their growth would be delayed or...well the list honestly goes on far longer than I want to admit to.  But we got in there and they were kicking away, looking beautiful as always, and measuring amazingly. It was quite the experience- an hour of looking at our children...these tiny little lives who will take over every piece of our lives in just a few months...these little babies who will become kids, running and screaming and driving us crazy...these tiny things that will be our teenagers, our growing family- we'll watch them learn, succeed, make mistakes...change the world (at least to me).  They're just little luckies now, tiny little versions of humans...but - they're going to be us.

I love looking at them.  And ours are pretty fun to look at.  During the hour long anatomy scan, each baby flipped over TWICE making it pretty difficult for the tech to figure out what the heck was going on from time to time (and she's a good tech).  They're wicked active- she, of course, had to note that they're going to keep us on our toes as they start moving (in opposite directions I'm sure).

They measured their heads, abdomens, and legs.  They checked for all of the important 20 week scan pieces- cerebellum, heart ventricles, kidneys, stomachs...everything was present and accounted for, and looking healthy (times two)!

And then, my favorite part- they did the calculation for our little luckies' sizes.  I've been worried that with the hyperemesis and my lack of any nutrition in the first 15 weeks of their lives was going to come into play here.  Well, I should have known better. These are my children- they can gain weight with the best of them ;)  Little Lady is measuring right on track, maybe a couple days ahead (around 20w1d when we were 19w6d).  She weighs about 12 ounces!!  Big Bubba on the other hand felt it necessary to live up to his deemed nickname (do we know our fetuses or what?).  He is already measuring almost two weeks ahead and weighs just under 1lb!!!!  15 and a half ounces!  Go Big Bubba! I smell college scholarships...basketball? hmm (Not that I'm not already thinking of Little Lady and her future mad skills- B is 6'5", I'm 6'1"- I doubt she's gonna be "petite" per say.  We'll see what she does with those long legs!!)  :) I promise I won't be a scary team mom who pushes her kids too hard so that they hate the sport (or stage or whatever it is that they want to do).  My parents were awesome about that- pushing me just hard enough so that I knew I had their support and I knew I couldn't just quit because I felt like it one day, but they never pushed me to the point that I felt overwhelmed or tapped out. They're the reason I did what I did with swimming. Hands down. Love them.

Alright- now for some (disappointingly blurry and frustrating) photos!



Here's what's going on on the outside. This was 19w3d, so almost a week ago. (Sorry about the messy bathroom- B actually did a bit of a remodel on it this last weekend!!! Yay for new sink faucets!)



Little Lady (Twin A) 19w6d Can you see her little lips? So cute!

Little Lady's hand!



Little Lady's foot :)  She's gonna have long monkey toes like her mama (I wear a size 12 in women's, yikes. Sorry little lady)

 Unfortunately they only got two photos of Big Bubba, he was moving around so much it was hard to get anything.  We got a very blurry picture of sort of his profile and then a money shot of his bubba bits- but I figured one of those on the interwebs was good enough.  You're welcome Bubba- but you still will always be known as the boy with the hot dog!

I started getting quite a bit more "uncomfortable" in my own skin this past week.  More stretching, more back aches, and my tail bone feels like it's broken if I sit down for too long.  I have to sort of ease myself out of chairs...which is awesome after a meeting at work.  I try to kind of hang back so most people have left the room before they see me grunt my way out of a chair- and I'm only 20 weeks!!! I was telling B a couple days ago that I'm actually sort of afraid of what this is gonna feel like in 16 weeks (cuz we're making it to 36 weeks damnit).  I don't want to think too much about the BOAT I'm gonna look/feel like.  But every day I keep them in there is 3 days less in the NICU.  If we make it past 35 weeks, there's a good chance they will come home with us!  We're likely going to schedule a c-section for 37 weeks which will be right around 11/3/11.  We'll actually have to pick the exact date soon- any suggestions?  Do you like 11/3?  Is 11/2/11 better or should we go with the good ol' 11/1/11 (my only qualm is that it's the day after Halloween and I'm not sure if they'll like that or not like that...  thoughts? Doc might want us to go 37 weeks or later rather than earlier so it might have to be 11/3 or 11/4... (Not that I really think we're definitely gonna make it to that date- but doc said there's about a 50% rate that twin mamas make it to their scheduled c-section date).  If both babies are head down at that time, we'll try for a vaginal birth.  But if Bubba (the one who will come out last) is breech, we're not gonna do it.  We'll go for the c-section to avoid any added risk.

Ok, lots of updates today.  I hope everyone is doing well!

To-Do

B is a spreadsheet guy.  Now, I need to qualify this by saying that B is a closet spreadsheet guy and I really knew nothing of his spreadsheet needs until about a year into our relationship.  When you first look at the guy,  you might think "workout guy".  I think this is a reputation B's not too disappointed with.  The man is 6'5", 230 pounds of muscle and every single morning he wakes up and has a "protein shake" that consists of protein powder, milk, raw oatmeal and two.raw.eggs! all shaken together and taken down in about 10 seconds (don't ask). 

But the spreadsheet side to B is an intense near-addiction side that I've grown to love oh so dearly.  I started noticing his anxiety grow steadily when it had been 13, 14, 15 weeks into this pregnancy and I couldn't take care of myself let alone anything around the house.  B was keeping this place afloat solo style and I started to see him processing the "how much more of this could I take let alone all of the things we need to get done before the babies get here" thoughts around the 15 week timeframe quite a bit more.  He would drop a couple hints about "to-do lists" here and there.  This was B's subtle way of saying "oh dear lord I need a spreadsheet to keep my sanity".

I embrace B's spreadsheets.  He loves them.  I am the disorganized person in this marriage.  I'm the messy one. The one who wouldn't mind leaving dishes in the sink for days on end or dirty clothes next to the bed cuz I'm too tired to bend over and pick them up after a day at work.  Not supposed to be that way? I defy your rules!

Nonetheless, B's happiness truly is important to me.  Even though I do, often, leave my clothes on the floor or my dishes in the sink, I know that's not cool for him and I'm working on it.  But I've got to say, it's been a little harder than I thought it would be to go from doing absolutely nothing around the house because I couldn't a) stand the smell of anything and b) go more than 15 seconds standing up without feeling like I was going to yack/faint to now feeling better and wanting to help around the house but at the same time feeling like a rapidly growing elephant whilst working full-time...

I think you can all see where I'm going here.  I'm not helping much around the house still.  At all. I suck. BUT- in order to at least attempt to show B how much he means to me and how much I want to help...I made a spreadsheet!  It's pretty, and functional, and has things like checkmarks and color coding! ...but not too much color coding cuz then we'd be embarking on my own ideals of spreadsheets and not B's way of working them. :)

So I put together our "Before Babies To Do List" along with separate tabs for "Child Care" options that I've looked into, "Prenatal Classes" that I want to/have already signed up for with dates/times and "Dr Appts" that we have upcoming with the date, time, and reason for visit!!! BAAAAAAH!  I'm amazing.  Honestly.  I'm at a whole new level here- your jealousy is palpable.

Now, just the spreadsheet in and of itself is glorious and beautiful and all that...but the most important and thrilling part is that I've created "Flagholders" and completion dates(goals).  Flagholders? you might ask.  Well, I find this is only a term that my company's department's management team uses on an hourly basis- apparently it's not a commonly used word.  I shall elaborate.  Throwing out to-do items is one thing.  Anyone can do that.  But without proper Flagholders to man said items, it's all fluff.  B questioned part of this philosophy- recognizing that we both need to be a part of pretty much everything on this to-do list.  But being a part of the item does not make one the Flagholder.  Each item needs leadership.  They each need a dictatorial guide (that's not a real term, I'm just that awesome and egotistical) in order to direct the item to its ultimate success.  Take "choosing child care".  Now, there's no way in hell I'd take this one on by myself.  B wouldn't like that anyway.  But someone needs to lead the charge- set up the appointments/make the phone calls/whatnot.  Someone needs to decide when it's truly completed and come to the "we've made up our minds and we're going to stick with it" finale.  "WE'VE made up OUR minds" being crucial terms here- the flagholder doesn't always have total final say, just leadership responsibilities.

:)  I make myself happy.

Ok, so here are the three items we have officially checked off our to-do list (which at this point consists of 28 items- 3 of which can be done after the babies are born in the first several months- probably by hired help...but it grew by two items yesterday and I'm guessing will continue to do so on a daily basis...):

Baby Registry - Flagholder: One Day - Completion Goal: 18 weeks
Register at Hospital - Flagholder: One Day - Completion Goal: 19 weeks
Carbon Monoxide Detector - Flagholder: B - Completion Goal: 34 weeks (he's an overachiever)

We finished our registries yesterday online so I was a little late on that.  We registered for EVERYTHING that we might want though, including the stuff that we will want to buy ourselves (cribs, stroller, the big stuff) and not get as gifts because both places we registered (Bab.ies R Us and Buy Buy Ba.by) have discounts when you complete your registry so why not put the stuff on the registry and then get the discount when you purchase?? So that's also been great because its a running list of all the stuff we need to purchase too!

I registered online at the hospital yesterday as well and then we went to the hospital to see if we could sneak in an off-hours tour which, no, we couldn't.  BUT, I called ahead to see if we could see the NICU and they were super sweet and said to come on down at 3:00.  It was an incredibly overwhelming experience that honestly needs its own blog post to come later but I'm SO glad that we did that.  I hope to God that we don't have to spend much time there (no time would be great) but I feel much better about it than I did before and it helped soothe some of those very loud fears I've had...

Finally, B purchased a carbon monoxide detector online a few days ago and he got it on Friday, set it up, and I feel much better now.  Thanks B!!

So we're trucking right along! I have a list of three different daycares right around here that I want to call and go check out before 20 weeks, that's the goal (F that's in 4 days).  Hopefully I'll really love one of those or else we've already looked into some other options like nannies and such...that's, again, a whole other blog post. Oy.

OH!  And I've signed us up for a three day, three hours per day, Birthing and Breathing Class at the hospital which starts in about a month.  I know, I know, we're probably going to have a c-section.  But I want to be prepared in case there's a chance that I'll get to do a vaginal birth.  I'm still being realistic though.  I know.

I'm going to sign up for a Breastfeeding class, an Infant CPR class, and B wants to do the "New Dad Bootcamp" class at the hospital too!!! Yay! Those will be probably late August, early September.  Doc said to get all this stuff done before 28 weeks. Not a whole lotta time left.

So all in all, I'm feeling like a rockstar which hasn't happened much since I got the beautiful news that I got knocked up at the ol' fertility clinic... 

One more aside that I've been thinking about quite a bit but haven't really said for some reason.  I know my blog url is "wishingfortwins" and I thought that was cute and playful when we were starting out our IVF journey and I decided to create a blog for it but now that we're actually growing twin humans...I feel kinda weird about it. I don't know why I didn't really realize this before, but it kinda sounds like I'm one of those people that just really really really wanted twins and would go to google and search things like "how to make twins happen".  Those people are a little creepy to me.  I just want to put this out there that I was, in no way, one of those people.  I simply chose the url because IVF has a higher twin rate than say, hooking up with your hubby and seeing what happens. Plus, don't know if anyone out there knows this but IVF is super expensive and the whole two-for-one thing works out financially in a positive way.  But mostly, we were expecting to put two embryos into my uterus when we did IVF.  Thus, I was really hoping both would stick cuz those embryos are really like my children and "not sticking" isn't really something I like to think about when you get down to the details of it.  We got very lucky that both embryos were able to hold on this time around with IVF because I was attached to both embryos from the first moment they brought in that beautiful picture.  But twin pregnancies aren't always "lucky" if you will, and there's lots of complications that can accompany... anyway. I just don't want anyone thinking that's what I was all about. 

Ok- this was another one of One Day's epic novelistic blog posts.  Thanks for hanging in there if you did! :)

"Babies!"

I just had to post this morning because we had a big moment last night!  B got to feel the babies for the first time!!!

I was actually talking to a co-worker yesterday about how he hadn't felt them yet because everytime they would move it would be quick and I couldn't even get my hand there in time, let alone B's.  But last night, as I was snoogling with my snoo.gle after work and B was reading in bed next to me cuz he's just so nice to chill with me when I need my after-work break... I started feeling the baby flutters. Same as always, I didn't really do much about them. But then a few more right after.  And then one big kick that I could for SURE feel on the outside!  I sprinted to grab B's hand and throw it on my belly.  But, of course, nothing.  We sat there for probably 5 minutes with nothing but sweat forming because it was getting too hot to have a hand on my belly for that long (did I mention the 118?? and we turn our A/C to hotter during the day so it's not billions of dollars every month... and then it takes a while to get back into the high 70's in our house).  I finally looked at B with a big sad face and asked if he could feel anything.  He kind of frowned back and said no- I told you it was too early to feel it on the out...WAIT.  We both kind of paused.  I felt it, but I wasn't sure if B had.  Silence.  Then I felt it again, and I kind of jumped.  And then B just says "Babies!"

It was the friggin coolest thing ever.  Because then whoever it was, A or B, who was giving us this little show just kept going. It was the most kicking I've felt in a row yet. And they did it for Daddy! He kept his hand on my belly for a long time and everytime we'd feel another kick we'd both smile and look at eachother again.

Best part of the pregnancy yet. Hands down.

Love.

19 Weeks!

1. We are over the halfway mark for twins!!! That's just crazy for me- holy wow. Even if we go all the way to 38 weeks (which is sounding less and less likely as the doc said she would probably schedule a c-section for 37 weeks) we'd be halfway.  I just keep praying that we keep making it one more day at a time, one more week...but deep down...please God let us make it to 37 weeks.

2. I can't post comments on blogger blogs!  It's driving me insane.  There are so many things I want to say (even though I haven't been a good commenter since the hyperemesis started, but I'm feeling much better and get to get on and read every other day or so).  I will say on here that I want to wish KC good good luck and that I'm thinking of her as she waits those excruciating 3-5 days after retrieval! Go wish her good thoughts.

3. There are so many others that I'm reading about and am nervous/anxious/excited/totallyunderstandwhatthey'regoingthrough for right now.  And it's weird how many pregnancy and mommy-after-infertility blogs I'm reading now. I had a hard time reading those sometimes, even though I knew what they'd been through.  So I totally get why it would be hard to read this blog for those still "in the trenches" if you will. I love what Elphaba said in her recent post about the awkward transition from IF blogger to pregnant blogger... I just started following her journey a couple weeks ago but she's a great writer and I like what she has to say.

4. I was SOOOOO excited when I got home yesterday from work and saw two packages on the kitchen counter.  The first one I opened because I knew what it was- my SNO.OGLE!!!  I didn't know what I was missing.  Honestly.  It's like they got all of the pregnant women who ever existed into one room and figured out exactly what they all needed in a pregnancy pillow and then created the snoo.gle.  Ok, maybe that's a bit much.  But I can't believe I waited this long.  I've been uncomfortable for a while now when I sleep and just kept putting more and more comforter in between my knees to help align my hips...well anyway, this is way better.  Lovely.

5. I didn't think the next package could ever live up to the snoo.gle...and then I opened it.  It was from two of my amazing friends from college who just wanted to send B and I a gift for the luckies!!! I cried.  Yes, I cried.  Thank you girls!!! I opened it up and there were two bibs- one pink and one blue- that say "If you think I'm cute,  you should see my twin"!  Pause for miniature freak out.  Yes, I did.  And then, my favorite part because I've found some sort of obsession with "binkies" since I decided to try one out myself last weekend- two teeny tiny little binkies- one blue and one pink of course- that both say "I'm the favorite".   AWWWWWW!  I've seriously become a pile of mush around all things baby.  I mean, it's all so small and so huggable.  Have you ever hugged a binky?  If you're infertile- you will. If you're not infertile, just do it.  It's glorious.  I don't even know if we'll use binkies (I have no qualms, just wondering what our little luckies will be like...you never know, maybe they won't like them??) but I just envision these tiny little mouths that fit these tiny little binkies and then I cry for a good five minutes.  Could this really be happening?  Could we really get these two tiny little blessings?  Ok, crying again.

6. Just to track the goings-on in our little pregnant world-  Sunday I had massive pain in my lower abdomen that turned into stabbing type pains and pressure into my lady bits as well as my bum.  I was worried but every time I ever call the doctor I just feel like such a hypochondriac pansy and then they tell me to take 600 mg of Ad.vil and of course confirm my hypochondriac pansyness without saying it... So I didn't call all day while I attempted to shop at Buy Bu.y Ba.by with B and my mom.  She loves that store and I was excited to go with her.  But I ruined it with all of my pain and groaning.  Then we went back to my parent's house and had a glorious meal that I ruined some more with my complaining. Finally we went home and it got way worse when I would stand up (got better when I laid down) so I called and go the other doc in our clinic who was on call.  She told me that I was on the border of "go to the ER" and "take some Ad.vil".  I hate the ER, honestly.  And if she wasn't super duper worried I figured I'd try the drugs and see if I could sleep.  She did tell me I needed to get in the next day for a check though.  So, of course, I was able to sleep and then woke up feeling much better (pansy) but called for a check up anyway cuz it was scary.  I got to see the luckies again and they look fabulous.  They did a cervical check and everything is the same- nothing to worry about.  Both babies had turned feet down and they figured that's why I was having more pressure/pain in my lower regions with all those lovely kicks aiming down and at my cervix... Sometimes I stop and think about how there are four legs in my belly.  Weird.




How Far Along: 19 weeks



Size of Baby: They went from avocados to onions to sweet potatoes and now I have two MANGOES in my belly!  They are each about 6 inches long now, crown to rump. :)


Picture of Baby: I keep getting texts and emails and comments about loving the belly shots.  We're going to keep doing them weekly and I'll try to post every week or so...but I do want to say that I'm sorry for any who might not really want to see pregnant belly pics right now. I get it.  I will keep warning of it in my title!


Maternity Clothes: Loving my new Ko.hl's dresses! I think dresses will be the staple as it got up to 118 a couple days ago according to B's car.  No maternity pants for this lady- those belly bands are HOT.


Weight Gain: Oh- we're progressing rapidly now!!!  I eat anything I can get my hands on most of the time (the nausea will creep up and bite me in the ass just when I start to get comfortable in eating whatever is in front of me instead of what actually sounds good...).  I'm now at my pre-pregnancy weight!!! Oh yeah!  So that's technically gaining about 15 pounds with the hyperemesis loss.  But I need to get to 25lbs over this weight by 30 weeks at the latest if possible doc said.  That's still 11 weeks- I think I can do that with how much I'm gaining right now.


Belly: Definitely a bump. It's not huge or anything, but I like it. :) I have gotten a couple comments on how I'm "carrying small" for twins.  I think it's just that I'm 6'1" and they have a bit more room to move around before popping outward.  I'm getting a lot more comments about being pregnant now though- so I don't feel as weird about just looking chubby. ha.



Stretch Marks: Not yet. I still think the stretch mark oil I have smells too strong, so I'm just using regular lotion for now. That's gonna have to change soon. Apparently by 28 weeks I'll be the size of a full-term singleton pregnancy. That's some rapid growth over the next 9 weeks.



Sleep: B IS BACK!!!  Yep- he's back in our room!  It's been a couple weeks now but I didn't want to jinx it.  I really missed him.  I'm waking up more to pee now- at least a couple times a night.  Last night it was 3.  Sometimes I can stay in bed and keep sorta sleeping for a good 9 or 10 hours.  Sometimes, like last night, I wake up after 6 and just give up.  A couple nights ago I fell asleep at 8:45 and didn't really get up to get going until 7am.  Bless.


Best Moment of the Week: Although a bit scary- seeing the luckies again! And hearing that my cervix is still 5. Keep it up cervix! pleeease.


Movement: Yeah. Best.thing.ever.  I haven't been able to get B to feel it.  They usually go away right when I try to put my own hand on my belly let alone when B tries.  But I get lots of movement right after work :)  They like it when I stop working and lay down.


Symptoms: Nausea is (and I think will always be) still there from time to time, especially in the evenings. The mornings and early afternoons are SO much better though. I'm also wicked tired most afternoons, but I haven't been napping as much so that I can sleep better through the night. I'm also starting to get pain in my hips more and more and my tail bone really hurts when I sit down for too long. And I'm feeling like my ab muscles are stretching some now, they feel kind of sore. Um...I also still have some digestive problems, but that's more from the Zo.fran. I have adhesions all throughout my abdomen and I'll get these sharp stabbing pains sometimes, I think that might be those stretching or ripping.



Food Cravings: I heart cheddar and sour cream chips right now.  And not the baked kind. No, none of that crap around here.  Give me the full fat, super greasy, lots of orange fingers afterward kind.  Mmmm.  Sour cream and onion usually are pretty good, too.  I'm liking the Fire Roasted Tomato soup from Para.dise Bak.ery again like I used to.  I can't seem to eat large meals at night, but usually lunch is where I try to get my big calories cuz I can really take it down in the middle of the afternoon! People comment.  I've heard "Is that all for you??" one too many times recently.  I just reply that it's for three, dammit.


Gender: GIRL and BOY!!! Little Lady and Big Bubba! We joke that anytime I eat any protein (I've started getting down some almonds sometimes! Yay!) that Bubba's taking it all. Watch, he's gonna end up being lighter than she is.



What I Miss:  Walking with any sort of purpose or speed.  I feel like I'm already waddling- that's not normal. But I walk SO much slower than I used to.  I hate sweating right now so I don't want to work up any sort of sweat, ugh.  And did I mention it's flipping hot here?  And I get out of breath a little easier, nothing like it will be, I'm sure.



What I'm Looking Forward to: The big anatomy scan to make sure everything is on-track and looking healthy for our little ones!  In this last sort-of-emergency type u/s I saw a big black spot on little lady's lower abdomen.  I told myself it's her bladder.  I'm sure it is, right?  I just want everything to be good.  Anyway- that scan is next Wednesday and we get to look at our offspring for an HOUR. love.


Weekly Wisdom: Hmm... Oh I know.  Just call the F'ing doctor. If you're worried- there's no point in waiting just cuz you don't want to seem overly panicky.  I felt SO much better when they let me come in and see that all was ok. And they were super nice about it and told me that they have these type of appointments every single day.  Most pregnant women need some reassurance now and then, let alone us friggin infertile types who start thinking the absolute worst at any abnormal pain...


Milestones: HALFWAY! (is that one word?)


Emotions: Still nervous and anxious but SO excited to be living again and be able to share the pregnancy with my co-workers and friends. I definitely get teary super easily...I cry whenever B tells me I'm doing a good job. haha I seriously have to watch myself at work though- my eyes get all red and watery whenever I even think about these two little humans.  Can't be doing that around just anybody. But I think most people get it. :)

Belly (pic)

So here's the growing belly...

16w3d

17w3d

18w3d

I'm starting to get more stretching and aching type pains...apparently I'm going to look full term for a single pregnancy in about 10 weeks, so we've still got some serious growing to do- but it really feels like I'm getting there! :)

Went out to Ko.hls and bought some clearance maternity stuff for work  because I've been rotating the same three dresses and two shirts for three weeks now...yikes.  I also bought a couple of non-maternity dresses that have plenty of room to grow for at least a while (and then I can wear them later, too!!)  I try to think whether I'd wear this stuff after pregnancy before I buy it- but I'm guessing when I'm 34 weeks with twins we're gonna be working with balloon type clothing so I'll be flexible.  Can you say Muumuu's???

 Bring it on!!!

18w1d and growing!

I went to work yesterday and two people commented on how it looks like I've grown quite a bit overnight.  It made me over the moon happy! I know that I'll be uncomfortable later, God willing, when this belly gets beastly big- but I just still worry so much that the twins aren't getting enough good nutrition or they're not growing enough or something.  I know worry comes with the territory of parenting, but I think there's a little something more for those of us who didn't get here all too easily. 

I still have nightmares that it will all end, that I'll wake up and have to consider our options all  over again, have to think of what we can handle- what I can handle again.  I couldn't bear to lose these two pieces of me, and I wish I didn't have any of these thoughts.  Ever.  But I have to be honest that they're there, and they get really loud sometimes.

So it was such a blessing to have someone else say that I'm growing! That it looks like our two precious hopes are getting bigger, and hopefully therefore strong and healthy.

When I come back to reality from my nightmares, I realize that I'm eating WAY better.  And I feel a hundred million BILLION times better than I have at any point in this pregnancy right now.  Upping my dose of Pro.tonix seemed to definitely help with the nighttime nausea.  I still get a little sick when I eat just a teensy bit too much or try to eat something that I wasn't really craving.  But honestly, I can usually push through that and keep eating without having to run to the bathroom. I'm weaning myself down on the Zo.fran now, too! Only half the max dose at this point. This is an amazing, amazing place to be.  I'm so enjoying this moment.  How lucky am I? How lucky are we to have two babies growing inside of me.  I just have to smile when I think about it.  And usually cry.  I cry a lot (at work now, too).  Happy tears.

Oh, oh oh oh. And the flutters.  They are life changing.  It feels so incredible.  I felt them on the outside for the first time on Wednesday night and it was unreal.  Just a couple little pops and it was like the whole world stopped.  Then at work yesterday- I'm just sitting at my computer doing something that just months ago seemed so important and then I feel them.  Our little boy and little girl moving around, getting comfortable, stretching and kicking.  Everything else just fades and my whole perspective changes. I don't think I'll ever be the same person and I'm so grateful.

17 Weeks 2 Days... (lots of pics)

I think  it's about time I upload some pics, no? I'm sitting over here all selfish in my sea of ultrasound photos, not even looking at those 10 week ones anymore because I've nearly worn them out with looks in the last couple of months...but do I share? Oh no, I'm just lapping it all up over here on my own.  How awful.  You can all revolt if you'd like.  I'll give you a moment.

Harsh guys. Harsh.

But now that that's over with, who wants to see the luckies???  (I have to qualify this by saying 1- my scanner is broken and appears to never want to function again...so this is good ol' manual point and click at ultrasound photos which, of course, are amazingly hard to get pictures of with the glare of that glossy paper... and 2- I'm going to pull out the ones which make my beloved daughter and son look anything like aliens...)

How it all started! Our two perfect day 5 blasts...the LUCKIES!

This is crazy because this is a pic of the luckies being placed into my uterus...can't see anything? Yeah me neither. But look what's come of that...

The famous owl shot! Both luckies stuck in there and they're growing! 5w5d



Still growing- and we have two heartbeats! 6w4d 4/4/11



4/13/11 (Hyperemesis settling in...oh man, but look how cute and worth it they are!)

Twin A 4/13/11

Twin B 4/13/11 (it's just a bit of a blurry u/s pic...and both of the twins were still kinda blobs at that point.  But blobs of LOVE)



4/29/11 gummy bears! Yay!!




4/29/11 Twin A with little arm nubs

4/29/11 Twin B

5/6/11 Twin B - they're starting to get little faces with noses and everything!



5/19/11 One of my favs! The twins are facing each other, twin A on the bottom twin B on the top

5/19/11 Twin A

5/19/11 And they have HANDS! Twin B's little wave

5/19/11 And spines! Twin B

6/1/11- I had to do it. They have they're little boy and little girl parts too! Twin B is a BOY! See the arrow pointing to his bubba bits?

6/1/11 This one's a little harder to see. But she's a girl! Twin A

6/1/11 Twin A

6/1/11 TwinB

And yesterday! 17w1d 6/17/11 Twin A

6/17/11 17w1d Twin B

And, the first official belly shot for good measure...



16w3d 6/12/11
(I can still kinda suck it in so it's not so out there if I wanted to...but why would I want to do that?? This one is letting it all hang out)


Mini Update:  Ultrasound and doctor's appointment went great yesterday. I'm gaining weight!!! According to their scale, I'm up 8 pounds from two weeks ago. Oh yeah baby...or babies!

I'm eating a lot more.  I'm still sick at night- feel like I have the flu when I get off of work.  Doc doubled my dose of Pro.tonix so I'm taking that twice a day now (the max allowed) so we'll see if that helps with these night time yucks.  It's just hard to eat dinner. But I try to make up for it with my all day non-stop snacking. Mmm...goldfish crackers.  I should own stock on them right now.  And strawberry nutri-gr.ain bars. Two a day at least.

I was a bit dehydrated yesterday at my appt so I need to do a better job drinking water at work. I usually drink three bottles of water in the 6 or so hours I'm there.  Not good enough.

Oh- work stress is way too high right now.  I'm in the process of dealing with some not so fun HR stuff with one of my employees that's taking all of my time and making me a crazy person.  Why can't it just be easy? Hopefully we can get this all straightened out soon. Ugh.  Also- I'm trying to do full-time work in sorta part-time hours right now. Not cool.  Hopefully I'll be able to work full time next week without feeling like I'm dying or else something has to change.

Babies are moving more now! Lots of flutters!  Nothing from the outside yet though- I really want B to feel them. Can't wait!!!

Oh, and finally...I've had TWO people stop to either ask when I'm due or ask if I'm expecting this last week! I sort of knew both of them a bit so I think it was a little more comfortable for them to ask.  But I'm so excited for when the first stranger makes a comment- I'm totally gonna look at them all freaked out and say "Expecting what?!"  That's horrible, I know. But unless it's seriously painfully obvious that there are babies moving around inside of someone's stomach or there's a leg hanging out between a woman's legs (which would be quite a problem in and of itself), I can't imagine asking someone about being pregnant. What if there's something else going on?  What if they already had the baby recently? Plus, I just kinda want to mess with someone...

16 Weeks!

How Far Along: 16 weeks

Size of Baby: Apparently, the length of an avocado! Mmm, two avocadoes...

Picture of Baby: I suck at doing any pics... but we have a few really cute ones, and of course the money gender shots :)

Maternity Clothes: Heading back to work this week for the first time meant no more beaters and undies...so I had to break out the real clothes.  And for me, that meant maternity clothes.  I can do the bella band with pants but by later in the day my zipper is down so far that I'm way too worried all the time that someone will notice.  I'll use that when I'm just going out for a bit, but not at work. So I've moved to maternity pants. Not cute...but comfy! I'm finally a little ok with something touching my belly, so that's good.  Although, I'm always excited to jump back into a T and undies after work :) I'm thinking this weekend is going to be calling for some more shopping since I really only have two maternity shirts.  I'm now just wearing larger shirts that I had (that are long) but the ladies are WAY too big for those at work I found out today...yikes! :)

Weight Gain: This is the big deal of the moment! Listen up...I gained some weight!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!?  I'm so excited.  I'm about 5 pounds higher than I was at my lowest (in the depths of hyperemesis), and about 2 pounds up from the standard weight loss I had. So I'm still about 9 pounds or so below my pre-pregnancy weight. But it's progress!

Belly:  Definitely a bump.  It's not huge or anything, but I like it. :)

Stretch Marks: Not yet.  I still think the stretch mark oil I have smells too strong, so I'm just using regular lotion for now.  That's gonna have to change soon.  Apparently by 28 weeks I'll be the size of a full-term singleton pregnancy. That's some rapid growth over the next 12 weeks.

Sleep:  B and I are still in separate rooms :(  Still have trouble smelling him too close.  Sad sad sad.  I'm also the lightest sleeper EVER now.  If B were to turn over it would wake me up. I usually wake up 1-2 times per night to pee, but that's after I pee 2-3 times while I'm trying to fall asleep.  Very strange. Oh, and I'm definitely wishing I had a pregnancy pillow right now. I want one.  My hips are starting to hurt when I sleep.

Best Moment of the Week:  Gaining some weight and not puking!!!  What an amazing, amazing thing.  Still super nauseous at night, but have been able to keep all my food down. SCORE!  Still on the highest dose of Zof.ran.

Movement: I think so :) I feel little pops here and there (not very often) that kind of feel like little muscle twitches but only one at a time.  And I think I've felt some flutter type things recently, too! Can't wait for it to be a little more obvious.

Symptoms: Nausea is (and I think will always be) still there from time to time, especially in the evenings (doesn't go away after a certain point in the night...I always fall asleep trying not to throw up).  The mornings and early afternoons are SO much better though. I get headaches from time to time that throb really badly- I can see spots that move as my heart beats, it's irritating. I'm also wicked tired most afternoons, I usually need about a 2 hour nap after I get home around 3pm.  I'm also starting to get pain in my hips and "lightning crotch" as I've heard it called. Ha.  And I'm feeling like my ab muscles are stretching some now, they feel kind of sore.  Um...I also still have some digestive problems, but that's more from the Zo.fran. I have adhesions all throughout my abdomen and I'll get these sharp stabbing pains sometimes, I think that might be those stretching or ripping.

Food Cravings: I have an aversion to most food.  But from time to time something will sound like I could get it down without dry heaving.  I try to eat those things. ;)  I have been liking sweet candies lately, like starburst. I actually enjoyed a starburst today.  I haven't enjoyed food for about 10 weeks. I mostly just tolerate it...or force it down.

Gender: GIRL and BOY!!! Little Lady and Big Bubba!  We joke that anytime I eat any protein (I've started getting down some almonds sometimes! Yay!) that Bubba's taking it all.  Watch, he's gonna end up being lighter than she is. 

What I Miss:  Food.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Our next ultrasound is in about a week, so I'm anxious to make sure they're doing ok.  I'm really looking forward to feeling some serious movement, although I'm sure later I'll be regretting saying that as they kick me in the ribs.  I actually have heard of women breaking ribs because of a kick.  Um, scary?

Weekly Wisdom: Don't overdo it.  I'm taking it really slow coming back to work. I'm only doing half days and sometimes that even feels like too much.  My first day up and about last weekend (we started doing a bit of shopping and registering at BRU) I got some serious cramps as I was walking around.  I called the nurse just to ask if that's what's to be expected because I've been horizontal for so long and she said absolutely not.  She explained that because I've been down so much I have to be really careful and take it slow because my body won't respond well to too much too fast...which could be bad for the pregnancy.  So I'm takin' it slow! :)

Milestones: Actually gaining a few pounds, for sure!!!! And not yacking for over a week!

Emotions: Still nervous and anxious but SO excited to be living again and be able to share the pregnancy with my co-workers and friends. I definitely get teary super easily...I cry whenever B tells me I'm doing a good job. haha  I almost cried in front of my boss today talking about the hyperemesis and how every night I'm afraid it's going to come back as bad as it was.  I'm living in fear over here.

15 Weeks and DRUMROLL...!!!

Oh yes, we've hit 15 weeks today which just feels like such an amazing milestone for some reason- maybe because all the baby books and the b.ump keep telling me that our offspring are now the size of oranges. Mmm.

But probably because WE GOT TO FIND OUT THE SEXES YESTERDAY!! So...drumroll...

We're having a GIRL AND A BOY!!!!

Oh I just couldn't be happier.  B couldn't be happier.  (Not just because I really, really can say that this is my last pregnancy and hyperemesis didn't kill me).

We've really thought it was two little girls for a while now.  Mostly because they had the exact same heart rate the whole time basically and for some reason that old wives tale really got me about the slower heart rates are boys and faster are girls. Take that old wives!

But starting about four weeks ago I, for some reason, was calling baby A "she" and baby B "he" without thinking about it.  I think because baby B was a bit bigger...and I hope to God that our boy is bigger than our girl (at least after puberty) cuz that'd be rough on both of them...  And turns out, baby A is in fact a little lady and baby B is our little man!

I couldn't see it on the ultrasound.  The tech had to actually put arrows on the screen for me and explain the "hamburger vs hot dog" analogy for me to get it...but our boy is an active one and everytime she got a shot of his bubba bits it was all blurry and he was like "scuuuuse me!".  But by the fifth try I could see the hot dog! Sorry little man, you will now forever be immortalized as having a hot dog on the interwebs.

B was so cute at the ultrasound.  I know he'd be excited for two girls...but I think every man wants a little boy just a little bit...  So when the tech saw the girl first B was cute and was all "oh cool" and smiley, but then when she saw the boy, he was in total disbelief!  He gave me a high five and said "We did it!"!!!  It was adorable.  Then he said "now we can have a boys day out and a girls day out!"  I love that man.

I was, of course, super nervous going into the ultrasound yet again. I don't think that's ever going to go away.  I just kept saying "I need to see two heartbeats".  The tech actually apologized to B for having to deal with me...look lady, I'm infertile and awful sh*t happens. She assured me it was thoroughly normal after giving B the side eye.

Anyway, little lady and big bubba look phenomenal! They were playing the part- little lady was sitting all curled up and kind of bobbing her head a bit here and there and stretching a little and waving but bubba was bouncing all over the place and doing flips and big kicks.  They aren't measuring them anymore, just looking at the organs and such and measuring heartrate.  158 and 150 respectively. The next time they'll get a thorough measuring will be at the anatomy scan in four weeks.  That's an hour long ultrasound!!! YES!  But we get another ultrasound in between now and then cuz I'm spoiled.

Oh oh oh! Another piece of great news to help my weak little worrier heart- they did my first cervical check.  Apparently I have an "over achiever cervix"! They want to see 3-4 (mm? cm? I'm not sure) but as long as it's more than 2.5 we're good.  Well I'm at 5! Yay!  Built for twins hopefully?  Just keep hanging in there cervix! (Yes, I'm talking to my cervix now...this is my life.  I also make a declaration of victory with every poo just for B. He likes that a lot, I'm sure. You gettin' that sex appeal? Comin' in loud and clear?)

I got a thorough lecture about what to look for for pre-term labor.  So now B is on "maternal weight gain" duty as the little "pre-term labor risk factors" paper the doc gave us had that right up there along with stress and some other stuff we don't have to worry as much about.  We're both worriers, ok?  He told me as soon as we left the office that I need to get some more protein shakes in and make sure I'm uber calm and relaxed.  Right O!

Ok, now for the hyperemesis update!  I've gone a WEEK without throwing up one time!  I've only dry heaved about 10 times or so in that week, too.  Rockstar status. Definitely on the up and up.  I'm actually going to try to do a half day on Monday next week at work! So my mission now is to somehow get up and move around more so I stop getting so damn light headed and dizzy between now and then.  The nausea is still there (way worse in the evenings though) but it's pretty manageable.  I'm staying on the highest dose of Zof.ran until...well...forever.  I think I might be a dealer one day...

But it's been such an amazing blessing to not feel like I want to be placed into a medically induced coma every minute of the day.  I'd love to be nausea free, but this is fine with me.  I can handle this. 

Oh oh oh oh oh! One more thing (this post is epic).  I think I might have felt one of the luckies move last night! It felt sort of like a bit of a twitch.  Kind of like a teensy little muscle spasm in my stomach but only one spot.  It was pretty cool. Then I woke up this morning and took a drink of water which I thoroughly choked on (drinking at 5am is apparently a hazard to me), after which I think I felt three little movements in a row! It was lower though, so I don't know. I'm excited for when I will actually KNOW that it's one of our offspring saying hello.

I keep seeing these pregnancy posts with the formatted questions.  I want to do that but then I start rambling and at this point I think I may have lost everyone so adding an additional section for formatted pregnancy questions is probably a bit much.  Maybe next week.

Yeah for girl and boy!  Yay for shopping! (Yes, we did go out immediately after the appointment and bought a tiny little under arm.our onesie for little lady and a little cut off under arm.our t-shirt for bubba, of course).  We're gonna be broke.

Baby Mine

It was a few days ago, I was lying in bed having a hard time falling asleep per usual. All of a suden, this song came to my mind.  I haven't heard this song in probably 15 years, but I instantly started humming it.  I reached down and put my hand on my growing belly.  And then, I thought of our Petri.

Petri, you were so real to me. You always will be.  I'm sorry, I love you.

Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.

14 Weeks!

First, thank you for all of your support from my last post.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty for complaining or not really enjoying being miserably sick...it's hard to get past the guilt sometimes.  This is such an amazing community, I'm so glad I started writing about my journey.  This post should be a little less depressed, with a side of way too much reality, and quite a bit of TMI sprinkled in...

Fourteen weeks!  We get to find out the sexes in LESS than a week, I can't wait.  I think of the different possibilities- boy,girl or girl,girl or boy,boy...I'd be so happy with any of them!  All have their own benefits...I just hope everything keeps going well with the little luckies.  I can't help but get nervous from time to time, but I guess I'm lucky to have the nausea remind me that something is for sure going on in there.  Silver lining?  Oh, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that boy,girl would be rock star just a little bit...

I haven't thrown up in a few days y'all!!!!!  Alert the presses!  I'm still nauseous almost all of the time, but yesterday for the first time in probably 7 weeks I had my first short break from nausea!  It was glorious.  I mean, F'ing GLORIOUS! Lasted maybe an hour and 15 minutes in the morning.  Please, please, please let that come back.  I'm back to not a moment without it today so far...and the evenings are usually worse.  But there are degrees to the nausea.  There's queasy, there's sick to my stomach, there's "my stomach is doing flips", there's "I want to reach in and rip my stomach out and set it across the room while I throw darts at it", then there's dry heaving, vomiting, and "I can't stop vomiting and I'm choking on it!".  Yes- this is hyperemesis.  I was mostly sick to my stomach this morning.  Of course, I've noticed that if I don't eat just a little something every hour or so, that turns way worse.  I just went about two hours without food because honestly, food is the LAST thing I want most of the time.  I shot up to dry heaving.  But luckily a few pretzels helped a bit.

Oh- and I was super excited yesterday that I ate an ENTIRE bowl of chicken noodle soup (the whole can!).  And then today I decided to try again...and then I looked at the can.  There's only 200 calories in a whole can of that damn soup- only 10 grams of protein.  What a cheat. Last night I told B everything I ate (which was seriously a red letter day with the amount that I ate- it was amazing) and he tallied a bit and replied "That's about 2500 calories! Great job"- enter depression sinking in.  The doc said I should try to get 3500 calories...and I ate WAY more than normal or than felt comfortable yesterday to only wind up at 2500.  Baby steps, and a great big CONGRATS to me for eating that much if I do say so myself.  B's always there to encourage me though, thank God.  I would have stopped eating and went for the feeding tube weeks ago without him.  He's my rock.

I actually got out of the house for the first time (other than doctor's appts) this past weekend.  Went to my parent's house to lay around there instead.  I ate some pot roast and had some peaches and ice cream!!!  I also took a shower that day.  Big day in our lives people, big day!  More to come???  Pleasepleaseplease!

I still haven't gained any weight back even though I'm eating more than I used to and haven't thrown up the past few days.  Argh!  But I'm not losing really. As soon as I stopped the IV fluids I lost about 3 more pounds immediately (within 24 hours)...so I'm still hanging in right there, down about 15 or so.  My belly is getting bigger though! :)  I don't get dressed much, having anything pressing on my stomach makes me feel sick, so I lay around in a beater and boy shorts most of the time.  Sexy!  Especially with a growing belly- this beater is not a maternity shirt so it just rides up and makes me look uber trashy.  Oh if these walls could talk.

B and I are sleeping in separate rooms now, did I mention that?  If he breathes on me I lose it, poor guy.  And I'm sleeping so lightly and getting up to pee so much that any snoring or loud breathing is the end of my z's, so he's volunteered to pack it up for the guest room for a bit.  I hate it.  I miss him so much, seriously.  I just want to cuddle!!!  I'm hormonal and sick and I'm a cuddler- this is cruel.

A few more symptoms for my journal of pregnancy: constipation is back and brutal, I'm taking colace every day.  Seriously, I'm pooing rocks over here (sorry). If I don't take proto.nix every day I get pretty gnarley heartburn.  Now, I'm hardly eating and yet I get heartburn.  I never had heartburn before this.  Wtf? We've upped my anti-nausea meds to the highest dose they'll allow which seems to be helping a bit (no throwing up!!), but it doesn't really affect the nausea as much as the vomiting. I'll take it though. Um...how do I say this... the lady bits are not my friends.  All of them.  I've got itching. I've got discharge. I've got flaky stuff on the ladies up top...it's adorable, really, all of it. I google something new every day just to find that it's "fairly" common.  I just happen to get ALL of it.  I'm on the bump message boards most days to see what other ladies at the same stage are feeling, and I HATE when those ladies come on and say "I wish I felt more pregnant right now. I mean, I feel exactly the same, blah blah blah".  No offense to any of you who are preggo with no symptoms, seriously.  I know that that would be rough not knowing what's going on in there or wondering/worrying all the time.  I completely understand that.  But I'd just like a couple hours of it here and there.  Maybe long enough to watch a whole movie without itching downstairs, without peeing three times, without dry heaving and making my husband leave the room, and maybe with a nice poo!  haha, honestly, I'm sorry. I've lost all shame. It's gone.

OH- I discovered "Glee".  If you don't watch Glee, Netflix it immediately.  Seriously.  If I can like it through this horrid sickness, you'll definitely like it.  (Caveat- if you absolutely hate hate hate musicals, that last statement may not fly for you...B doesn't like it...but you have to at least try).

And now, some things I've been looking at online that I really really want to go look at in person:














   MONKEYS!!! :)
 Seriously??  too much. love.

  That's a rug.  Done.



 I will not need this where I live, but...swoon.

 OMG I want the entire fruit collection....boys could where oranges or pears, right? Oh B would be so mad.


 I mean, even if I didn't want to...I have to. It's a requirement.
 Those are little safari animals.  :)
 It's says "boo boo"...enough said.
 Oooooh, Christmas!!!




Ok- maybe it's still too soon.  Remember, I'm just looking.  No one's buying or anything. ;)

Please Forgive Me

I'm scared to write this.  I'm scared to sit here and feel what I feel, but most of all to put it down in this space. 

It is one of the hardest things to read a pregnant woman complain about pregnancy when you don't know if you will ever be pregnant or if you will ever stay pregnant, and I never wanted to be one of those women to cause that pain.  There were times when I had to look away, or walk away, or go to a different place inside of myself when I would hear those complaints.  "They don't know what they've got" I would think.  And sometimes, sometimes I think I might have been right.  But sometimes...

I have hyperemesis gravidarum.  And I want it to go away.  I'm so angry at my body for not allowing me to enjoy this amazing gift we've been given.  I'm so afraid to come here and say that I'm not yet enjoying being pregnant because I know how bad that hurts, but I can't sugar coat this anymore.  I started this blog as therapy for myself and as a way to share the difficult journey that is infertility...and hopefully pregnancy and life after infertility.  We were granted that gift, and I've been too ashamed to share what is really going on.  But then I realized that I felt alone.  And someday another woman will feel this alone, sitting in this place wondering why her body wouldn't give her a chance to be happy. 

I've been sick since 5 and a half weeks.  It started out slow, I was so excited to be nauseous those first days! This meant good things, and it did!  And it still does in a way.  My pregnancy, our babies are growing strong.  The level of hormones in my body are so high and so strong that my body can't even handle it- we have a strong pregnancy.  This I truly am grateful for as long as I can see past the rest of it for a few moments, but I rarely get that chance. 

I day dream about going to work and having someone tell me "congratulations" or ask how the twins are doing.  I day dream about walking outside and seeing little ones, knowing that soon...oh so soon.  I day dream about eating a salad and enjoying every single bite, knowing that I'm nourishing my body and our children.  But then I snap back to reality and struggle with every single bite of a muffin.  Every single sip of a water. My Everests.  Knowing that anything I can get down and keep down will hopefully keep one more pound from dropping away.  I've lost about 15 pounds or so...and I had to beg the doctor to let me stop IV fluids, to just take a break.  My arms are sore and the fluids make me feel so much sicker.  I told her I need to at least TRY to drink on my own.  I lost two more pounds, and I think I'll need to start again. My lips are cracking and I'm having trouble standing up again.

I've been trapped in my house, in my bed, for over a month.  Not by doctor's orders.  But because the only thing I can do is lay down. The more I move, the more I throw up.  And every where I go, the smells make me gag and dry heave, or lose those precious calories I had just forced down. The guilt is overwhelming.

My husband is living life for me.  Making me food, begging me to drink one more bottle of water, reminding me to try one more piece of food.  The doctor threatened me with a feeding tube, "We don't want to get to that place".  But she was so reassuring, telling me that this is awful and that hopefully I've put in my time and we'll get through the rest of this pregnancy free of pre-term labor and all of the unbelievable pain that can bring.  I pray that she's right.

I want this part to be over.  I wouldn't do anything to let these babies go.  Never.  This part needs to be over now.  I hang on the fact that often times it starts to get better at 14 weeks, but I know that often times it doesn't get better until 21 weeks...and sometimes it doesn't get better until birth.

Please forgive me for this- I know this hurts.  I know it's wrong. But I also know that it's real, and it hurts, and it's where we are right now.  But I'm hopeful for one day...

12 Weeks!!!!!

We've made it to 12 weeks!  This is such an exciting day :)  This was the day we decided we would put our worries aside and start actually planning for babies rather than just pregnancy.  We couldn't really wait until today, we've been planning quite a bit.  But now, if I start to feel better, I could maybe buy a couple of things for the little ones :)

I'm still pretty much bed ridden.  Yesterday was a bad day...hopefully the peak of it??  I got a new IV yesterday because the one I got this weekend was starting to burn too bad when I would flush it or infuse.  I was feeling pretty bad when I had to sit up to get the IV, and then afterward I just went downhill.  Awful headache, really bad nausea...but I got through it.  Then last night after my five hours of infusion, for some reason the IV line clotted and I had to take it out.  So the nurse will be back again today to put a new line in.  I'm running out of veins here! haha  BUT, this meant that I actually had a night and morning without an IV in my arm, so I took advantage and took a full shower this morning, with both hands!  It was lovely.

We have another appointment on Thursday of next week.  We did our NT scan last Friday and it went perfectly!  We got to take a good long look at both luckies and they look so great...so cute!  It was 11w1d and both had nasal bones present.  The nuchal folds measured 1.2mm and less, can't quite remember the other one.  Then we got a call a couple days ago after my blood work came back.  They said with my age alone the risk of downs and other genetic disorders they test for at this point was about 1 in 700ish.  With the results of the scan and blood test, it's 1 in 10,000 on each baby (which they can't decipher through the blood, but the scans showed good results on each).  So that was a great phone call!  Mainly it was just great to see the little ones so up close and personal.  We got to look at a little hand- all five fingers :)  Baby B is measuring quite a bit bigger than A, but A is right on track.  So baby B is our big bubba!  Love it!  I can't wait for next week to see how they're growing.

Dr. F has prescribed another two weeks of fluids because I've lost more weight.  But I'm eating a bit more now a days.  At least trying to.  I eat some pot roast every once in a while to get protein (I know, pot roast?).  But the little ones just gobble it all up, leaving me still feeling pretty weak and underweight.  Oh well- have at it little ones!!!

I hope everyone is doing well.  I know I don't update much, but hopefully hitting the 12 week mark means that I'll be on the up and up soon so I can get back to the real world. 

Keep on Truckin'

Getting closer and closer to that 12 week mark.  We go in on Friday for the NT scan, so I'm really excited about that.  Thursday will be 11 weeks.  I think the 12 week thing is kinda funny, because I know that it's just a random day- nothing really changes from 11w6d to 12w...but I'll be so glad to get there.  Just to feel a little bit more peace and comfort.  So far everything is looking great with the luckies, we're so lucky! 

The pregnancy isn't being quite as nice to me as it's being to our little ones.  I'll take that over the other way around though any day.  It's just been rough, and I'm so, so hoping that things get a little easier on my body after the first trimester- just so that I can start doing things that feel healthy for the pregnancy.  All I do is lay around all day in bed, get fluids through an IV, and try to snack on anything that won't make me gag (which is pretty much still just pretzels and water).  I started trying to force down a little more protein through a yogurt here or a quarter of a turkey sandwich there.  I ate a half of a pb&j today and yesterday, so that's progress.  But I have to guess that I'm eating about 900 calories a day...which just can't be good with twins.  I'm trying so hard, but dry heaving and gagging make it so difficult to eat anything.  I hate food right now.  Oh, and I hate the way my house smells. With a passion.  I sleep with my covers over my nose and I chew gum every waking minute to try and cover up the smells that seem to be everywhere.  I'm actually at the point where I can't hug my husband...he smells too much like our kitchen.  :(  This is one of the saddest things to date.  I'll take the numerous vein punctures and IV fluids, but please give me my husband back.  I miss cuddling with him.  Someone tell me this symptom will go away soon.  (But you've got to promise me that the pregnancy will still stay strong...!!!)

We ended up back in the doctor's office last Friday after I woke up in the middle of the night with horrific cramps/lower abdominal pain.  I was in tears. They told me to take 600mg of ibuprofen again. It went away about four hours later (around 5am), but they wanted me to come in to check on everything.  And all is well.  I personally think it was a ruptured ovarian cyst (oh how I love thee).  We don't know though.  I hope that pain doesn't happen again, at least not until labor many, many months down the road.

It was so good to see the luckies again!  They're measuring right on track still and their heartbeats are slowing just a bit to be a little more in the normal range- 168.  I kinda liked when they were in the 180's- little overachievers.  But that's gotta get tiring for the little ones... ;)

I'm obviously still off work on leave.  This isn't good because it's cutting into my maternity leave.  But I'll just go without pay if need be.  I know I'm not gonna want to go back to work before 12 weeks (only 6-8 of that is paid depending on if I have a c-section or not)...and right now I only have 9 weeks left of FMLA total.  My boss is very understanding though- there's no piece of me that worries I won't have job security if I take a personal leave after my FMLA is up.  So we're good there. Plus, I'm sure I'll need to leave work a ways before the babies actually come...I'll be a house by then :) and probably pretty uncomfortable.  Hopefully I won't be nauseous though!! ha

9w5d

We're closing in on double digits here people!!! I'm so excited and hopeful, but of course there's still that small doubt that lingers- reminding me of what could happen.  We haven't reached that 12 week breathe easier time, but we're getting closer. 

I wish I felt better so I could share more about the good things that are going on with this pregnancy! I can't fathom sitting up most of the time, let alone typing anything.  But I wanted to update with just a little piece of the happiness that is our beautiful pregnancy. 

We went back to the doctor's yesterday and everything looks great with the little luckies! They're growing right on schedule or a little ahead and their heart rates are strong! Both were 181 yesterday! But the best part was when we zoomed in on little B...we got to see a wave! Yep- he or she waved at us right as we zoomed in.  One little arm, swaying side to side just for a bit.  It was the most amazing thing.  That was actually an ARM!  Crazy.

So while I came home and had to let the nurse back into my house to set up my second five day round of IV fluids- then lay down in the middle of the process because my blood pressure dropped to 94/52...I just remember my little lucky waving at me.  "Hi Mom!"  I know this is all worth it, so very, very worth it.  Both of our babies are growing strong, and I'm helping with every infusion, every bagel, every cracker.  I'm doing everything I possibly can...and I feel good about that.  I'll be here for you luckies, I'll keep pushing!  But you have to, too.  Keep growing little ones.  We love you!

Now, before I go, I need to mention one thing.  And he's gonna think I'm just buttering him up or just "saying this"...but you all need to know the most important piece to this pregnancy.  The only thing that's getting me through, that's keeping these little ones healthy.  It's my B.  Without him and the unbelievable amount of work and effort he's putting in to help us...I don't know where we would be right now.  I'm sure you've gathered from my posts that I'm not exactly in the best place physically and that means I can't really do much on my own.  But you have no idea how little I can do on my own right now.  And I kid you not, I couldn't do this without him.  He brings me everything I need- he goes to the store every other day to get something new that I think I might be able to stomach.  He picks up any food at any distance that sounds even remotely appetizing, just to get home and watch me eat one bite and gag.  He picks up after me, brings me my medicine, changes my IV bags, helps me walk to the bathroom when I'm too dizzy to stand.  He comes home from work at a whim when I feel like something's really wrong again...and he does it over and over without the slightest complaint.  He holds my hand and let's me cry on his shoulder.  All the while telling me to make a fist and show him my "tough face" because this is all worth it.  He lets me break when I need to, and then builds me back up again because he knows what's important. He makes me laugh when I think there's nothing I could do but cry. He is my rock and my pillow...he's the most amazing man.  And I'm so lucky that he's the father of my unborn children.  We're all so lucky.

B- thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  You are my world and I couldn't do this without you.  I'm so proud of who you are for this family, and I thank God every day for giving me you. You're going to be such an incredible Dad...and you're the best husband a girl could ask for.