I could NOT stop eating sweets this week. I mean, I was working at it, too. It's like they were falling from the heavens into my lap. Someone brought three dozen donuts to work...and the best kind... and then someone brought brownies and set them right by my desk... I didn't even need to go on a hunt for sweets, they were just sitting there. Staring at me. Taunting me.
Anyhow, we had a great follow-up appointment with Dr. Z this week. We found out that, in fact, B is a super hero and has super hero sperm to go right along with it. He's perfect in all but one category, and that one he's almost perfect in. Go figure. ;)
Surprisingly, I was ranking right up there with him in the "not too shabby" category myself! All of my numbers were dead on except one which showed that my ovaries are acting slightly older than they actually are. But not by much. My FSH is good. My thyroid function is still trucking right along- so there's nothing we can do about the Hashimoto's yet.
The doc said if I didn't have endometriosis, we'd be working with "unexplained infertility". But in our bizarre case, endo is definitely explaining everything. If my tubes were ok and I didn't end up in the hospital everytime I came off of birth control, I think we might be able to do this the good ol' fashioned way. But alas, we'll use the good ol' fashioned way for fun and get the doc involved for the actual family planning side :)
We leave in TWO DAYS for vacation. A whole week sitting on the beach, partaking in some delicious beverages and "free" food (all-inclusive...so 'pre-paid' would be the better term, but 'free' just feels better). I actually decided to come right out and ask the doctor his thoughts on me drinking right now with IVF on the horizon. Putting aside how intensely I sounded like an alcoholic in that moment, the doctor told us that we're good to go as long as I cut out the drinking right before I start the process. Oh, and he of course had to make the "no smoking, no drugs" comment, I'm sure because I sounded like a serious addict with my liquor question. He also told B to stay out of hot tubs when we get close to the date. And he told us to start acupuncture as soon as we get back from vacay! Yay!
I'm starting to take Folic Acid, and I'm going to start on some other vitamins as well (I wrote them down and can't remember right now...).
So for now, we're going to try to relax and not think too much about the horrifying amount of injections and doctors appointments waiting for us in the next two months. Instead, we're going to think about how we've got a good shot at this. How we're incredibly lucky that we get to take a week to just be the two of us. How we're blessed. Oh, and how badly we want a Mai Tai!
Quote of the Day (from yesterday):
"You must be DINKs."
Yeah, I was concerned too when I heard it. But luckily the quoter was kind enough to clarify... Dual Income No Kids! Got it. And yes, at this point, we are dinks. And we're not exactly proud dinks. Quoter doesn't know that for us to leave dink-hood, we have to spend most of our dual income. But he was right, we're living it up while we're still "just the two of us". A week long vacay at the beach this week. A week in Napa next month. We're not able to take the first few years of our marriage to just be together because of our fear that my ovaries will shut down, or my endo will take over my entire body and I'll wake up one morning missing one leg (endo is an evil disease...ok, maybe not that evil but you never know). So we're trying to fit those newlywed years into a few short months before we hopefully get to change everything. It's a sacrifice we're willing to take. DINKs no more; that's the goal.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Hysteroscopy
The hysteroscopy went well today. We found out that my uterus is...well...lovely, if I do say so myself. So far, I'm having very good thoughts for our first round of IVF! Both of my ovaries are present and functioning, plus my uterus looks good. No polyps or fibroids...just a smooth lining :)
Dr. Z said I have an anterior tilt to my uterus. He had to do some maneuvering while he was looking around and he took out the speculum while the camera was in there so he could get a better angle. That hurt quite a bit. I was definitely shakey and fidgety while he was looking around, it hurt a lot a couple of times, but it was short lived which is good. He also did a trial transfer that went really quickly...that was a little painful, too.
I was planning on going back to work, but I decided to go home to wait for the pain on my right side to go down before I had to go sit up in not-very-forgiving suit pants all day. That never happened. I'm feeling ok right now, I still have some pain in my back a little bit, and some sharp pains on my right side...but it's ok.
I'm looking forward to our follow-up appointment on Wednesday morning to hear all of the results from the blood work and B's tests. I have good feelings, like I said before. It should be a happy appointment before our week long vacation that starts next Monday. Perfection!
Quote of the Day:
B: "Was there any porn in there?"
-After asking how it went in the hysteroscopy! I think he has the wrong idea about our RE's office... ;)
Dr. Z said I have an anterior tilt to my uterus. He had to do some maneuvering while he was looking around and he took out the speculum while the camera was in there so he could get a better angle. That hurt quite a bit. I was definitely shakey and fidgety while he was looking around, it hurt a lot a couple of times, but it was short lived which is good. He also did a trial transfer that went really quickly...that was a little painful, too.
I was planning on going back to work, but I decided to go home to wait for the pain on my right side to go down before I had to go sit up in not-very-forgiving suit pants all day. That never happened. I'm feeling ok right now, I still have some pain in my back a little bit, and some sharp pains on my right side...but it's ok.
I'm looking forward to our follow-up appointment on Wednesday morning to hear all of the results from the blood work and B's tests. I have good feelings, like I said before. It should be a happy appointment before our week long vacation that starts next Monday. Perfection!
Quote of the Day:
B: "Was there any porn in there?"
-After asking how it went in the hysteroscopy! I think he has the wrong idea about our RE's office... ;)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Can I Hold Your Baby?
Ok, I didn't ask it. I wanted to. I was really close to once. But then "vulture mommy" came by and stole said baby. She spent the next 25 minutes gushing over this baby, vibrantly expressing her superior mommy skills, her unmatchable expertise at the art of baby de-gassing. Obviously she wasn't comparing herself to me...I was just the young non-mommy looking on, watching intently at the opportunity of possibly holding this tiny 3 week old creature.
Don't get me wrong. The idea of holding someone else's baby brings on an awkward amount of discomfort. Depending on the moment, I can feel rather squeamish, terrified almost. Or I can feel completely at home. Future mommy of the year. Mostly squeamish, though. I mean, I'm not that creature's mother. What if I make it cry? What if I drop it for God's sake? Then I'm the awful person who obviously hasn't mothered anything in her life and can't even keep a tiny innocent baby safe for more than two and a half minutes. Yes, I fear making other people's babies cry. Is that so wrong? I think if I make my own baby cry in the future, it won't be so bad. Then again, if "vulture mommy" is there when that happens, there's a good chance I'll be in for a 25 minute lecture on the "better way" to raise my own child.
But alas, I sat there. Watching vulture mommy de-gas the baby. Watching her fawn over this tiny creature and rant about how badly she misses when her three children were that tiny...but how naturally it all came back to her. Actual mommy came to steal her baby back after this had gone on for far too long. But of course, before she could retrieve him, vulture mommy had to explain the ins and outs of successfully removing "tooties" and how she learned this all in her hay day.
I vowed at that moment to keep my words of wisdom to myself when it comes to child rearing. No matter how "Mommy of the Year" I may be, every mother has her own way. Mine had the best way, I have to admit. So I'll take lessons from my own upbringing, I'll ask my own mother, and then I'll keep my mouth shut as often as humanly possible.
Until then, I'll sit back and wish I had the guts to ask for a few minutes of holding a baby. But I'll probably be better off just waiting to screw up my own kid. No need to feel the pressure of not screwing up somebody else's...
Quote of the Day for yesterday (as I just woke up and the only quote I've heard today was B asking why the hell I was awake and on the computer already...):
B: "When it works, the little kids swing at the bottom."
Me: "That makes it even more terrifying."
B bought an antique clock to resell because it was going for so cheap. Well, it came in the mail a couple of days ago and this thing is atrocious. I mean, it's B's new hobby so I'm all about it. But man, who would buy this thing? (Other than my husband...of course) It has a little girl and a little boy hanging down from the clock on swings, where the pendulum would go on a not-so-horrifying grandfather clock. The best part is that these little kids have the most devastating looks on their partially painted, melting, faces. Their mouths have kind of rubbed off to the point where it looks like little girl is screaming, and her eyes are just these little beady dots. Did I mention that their cheekbones are abnormally large? Well anyway, this thing is just sitting in our computer room staring at me right now. Apparently, when the clock is functioning, these little kids swing back and forth. It reminds me of The Shining or something. uuuuuugggh. ::shutter::
Don't get me wrong. The idea of holding someone else's baby brings on an awkward amount of discomfort. Depending on the moment, I can feel rather squeamish, terrified almost. Or I can feel completely at home. Future mommy of the year. Mostly squeamish, though. I mean, I'm not that creature's mother. What if I make it cry? What if I drop it for God's sake? Then I'm the awful person who obviously hasn't mothered anything in her life and can't even keep a tiny innocent baby safe for more than two and a half minutes. Yes, I fear making other people's babies cry. Is that so wrong? I think if I make my own baby cry in the future, it won't be so bad. Then again, if "vulture mommy" is there when that happens, there's a good chance I'll be in for a 25 minute lecture on the "better way" to raise my own child.
But alas, I sat there. Watching vulture mommy de-gas the baby. Watching her fawn over this tiny creature and rant about how badly she misses when her three children were that tiny...but how naturally it all came back to her. Actual mommy came to steal her baby back after this had gone on for far too long. But of course, before she could retrieve him, vulture mommy had to explain the ins and outs of successfully removing "tooties" and how she learned this all in her hay day.
I vowed at that moment to keep my words of wisdom to myself when it comes to child rearing. No matter how "Mommy of the Year" I may be, every mother has her own way. Mine had the best way, I have to admit. So I'll take lessons from my own upbringing, I'll ask my own mother, and then I'll keep my mouth shut as often as humanly possible.
Until then, I'll sit back and wish I had the guts to ask for a few minutes of holding a baby. But I'll probably be better off just waiting to screw up my own kid. No need to feel the pressure of not screwing up somebody else's...
Quote of the Day for yesterday (as I just woke up and the only quote I've heard today was B asking why the hell I was awake and on the computer already...):
B: "When it works, the little kids swing at the bottom."
Me: "That makes it even more terrifying."
B bought an antique clock to resell because it was going for so cheap. Well, it came in the mail a couple of days ago and this thing is atrocious. I mean, it's B's new hobby so I'm all about it. But man, who would buy this thing? (Other than my husband...of course) It has a little girl and a little boy hanging down from the clock on swings, where the pendulum would go on a not-so-horrifying grandfather clock. The best part is that these little kids have the most devastating looks on their partially painted, melting, faces. Their mouths have kind of rubbed off to the point where it looks like little girl is screaming, and her eyes are just these little beady dots. Did I mention that their cheekbones are abnormally large? Well anyway, this thing is just sitting in our computer room staring at me right now. Apparently, when the clock is functioning, these little kids swing back and forth. It reminds me of The Shining or something. uuuuuugggh. ::shutter::
Friday, May 7, 2010
Messy
Tipsy blogging might be one of the greatest things about being in the waiting period for IVF.
1) I'm not preggo yet, and I'm not yet actively trying to be preggo...thus, no need to cut out the luscious vino that I sipped this evening...
2) I'm waiting to start IVF. I need a drink.
Today was a busy day, a hot day. We're inching up in the temperatures in my hometown, and believe me- this place gets H.O.T! I had to walk between buildings at the office today three times. I was wearing a full black suit. I had black high heels on. It was disgusting. Summer, please hold off for a little bit longer. I don't want winter anymore, but it's not summertime yet, is it?
B and I were discussing my blog this evening. He's a big fan of the quote of the day from yesterday. We were deciding on quotes of the day from today. There's too many to choose from.
From the office:
"It must be the hamburgeler. He's back!"
Seriously, you've got to hear this. We are in a very large office- several buildings. But each department has their own stories. One dept several years ago had a thief. A person who would go into the break room and - get this - would steal the meat out of sandwiches and leave the bread. This person would open lunch bags in the fridges and drink half of the soda can, then put it back. We called "him" the "Hamburgeler" It was unbelievable.
Well, we had ice cream bars for a birthday yesterday. (I told you so) And we didn't finish them all on my team. So I put them in the freezer. 24 hours later I went to get the rest out to serve to the team again. Well, I put four boxes of ice cream bars in the freezer. Someone stole two whole boxes. A box of drumsticks and a box of strawberry shortcake bars. I loved those strawberry shortcake bars. What kind of person would do something so horrible? bastards.
Home:
"You're just a cute little mess."
I'm three glasses of wine in. I've already spilled some wine on B while trying to pour him his second glass. I'm now sprawled on the couch; half lying on him, half trying to suck up the cool air from the fan above us. I start getting feisty and saying unnecessarily obnoxious things. I get overly sensitive. I scream at the basketball game on tv... I hate that horrible flopping jerk who keeps making all of his shots... I proceed to raise my arm in anger at said man. I then hit B in the face. He jumps. I get sensitive. I say unnecessary things of a ridiculously comical nature. Thus: "You're just a cute little mess..."
::watermelon::
Lesson # I can't remember:
"He may get dumb when he's drunk. But you cry like a little girl and chase things that aren't around you." classic. true. devastating. ;) College was an innocent time...
1) I'm not preggo yet, and I'm not yet actively trying to be preggo...thus, no need to cut out the luscious vino that I sipped this evening...
2) I'm waiting to start IVF. I need a drink.
Today was a busy day, a hot day. We're inching up in the temperatures in my hometown, and believe me- this place gets H.O.T! I had to walk between buildings at the office today three times. I was wearing a full black suit. I had black high heels on. It was disgusting. Summer, please hold off for a little bit longer. I don't want winter anymore, but it's not summertime yet, is it?
B and I were discussing my blog this evening. He's a big fan of the quote of the day from yesterday. We were deciding on quotes of the day from today. There's too many to choose from.
From the office:
"It must be the hamburgeler. He's back!"
Seriously, you've got to hear this. We are in a very large office- several buildings. But each department has their own stories. One dept several years ago had a thief. A person who would go into the break room and - get this - would steal the meat out of sandwiches and leave the bread. This person would open lunch bags in the fridges and drink half of the soda can, then put it back. We called "him" the "Hamburgeler" It was unbelievable.
Well, we had ice cream bars for a birthday yesterday. (I told you so) And we didn't finish them all on my team. So I put them in the freezer. 24 hours later I went to get the rest out to serve to the team again. Well, I put four boxes of ice cream bars in the freezer. Someone stole two whole boxes. A box of drumsticks and a box of strawberry shortcake bars. I loved those strawberry shortcake bars. What kind of person would do something so horrible? bastards.
Home:
"You're just a cute little mess."
I'm three glasses of wine in. I've already spilled some wine on B while trying to pour him his second glass. I'm now sprawled on the couch; half lying on him, half trying to suck up the cool air from the fan above us. I start getting feisty and saying unnecessarily obnoxious things. I get overly sensitive. I scream at the basketball game on tv... I hate that horrible flopping jerk who keeps making all of his shots... I proceed to raise my arm in anger at said man. I then hit B in the face. He jumps. I get sensitive. I say unnecessary things of a ridiculously comical nature. Thus: "You're just a cute little mess..."
::watermelon::
Lesson # I can't remember:
"He may get dumb when he's drunk. But you cry like a little girl and chase things that aren't around you." classic. true. devastating. ;) College was an innocent time...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Larger Than Life
That's how I'm feeling right now. Quite a bit larger than life. I lost three pounds over the last 5 days, it was a glorious feeling. But alas, I went back on birth control this morning and I already feel like I'm a heffer. Obviously, nothing much has happened in the last 12 hours since I popped that little pill, but I can feel it coming. I hate you BCPs! But then again, you keep me away from evil evil endo land (or at least the darkest parts of it).
I'm a crabby cramperton today though. My stomach is hurting all over. I was thoroughly planning on going to a spin class after work today until I realized that I'm not a complete idiot.
AF + Spin Class = Angry Lady.
So I ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes and felt like I was gonna die. Then I got on the stair @#$*& for a grand total of five minutes before I decided that I was straight champion material and worthy of leaving immediately. And thus, I came home to eat dinner.
B was in a super happy mood after work today. Come to think of it, he was quite chipper at work today, too. Not normal B style. It's fun, we play together. He calls me monkey. I call him squid man. I love him.
Quote of the night: "I really wish I had some orange juice...if someone hadn't drank it all two days ago...the entire jug...in one sitting."
B: "I heard it was good for sperm count"
Lesson #3: "Muscle weighs more than fat."
Ugh, I was seriously convincing myself that I was losing weight because I was awesome and my metabolism still loves me cuz I'm "young" and vibrant and totally able to drop a pound a day because that's just who I am. And then I realized 1) I came off of birth control. I'm a moron. And 2) I stopped working out. Altogether. Just stopped. As much as I'd like to think that I was holding onto all of that super muscle I put on when I started back at working out everyday...I do unfortunately have a slight bit of common sense left in me. So, today, I resolved to workout a tad bit more to combat my ridiculousness.
However, I have been doing much better on the "not eating myself into oblivion" kick I started a few days ago. Yay for me!
I'm a crabby cramperton today though. My stomach is hurting all over. I was thoroughly planning on going to a spin class after work today until I realized that I'm not a complete idiot.
AF + Spin Class = Angry Lady.
So I ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes and felt like I was gonna die. Then I got on the stair @#$*& for a grand total of five minutes before I decided that I was straight champion material and worthy of leaving immediately. And thus, I came home to eat dinner.
B was in a super happy mood after work today. Come to think of it, he was quite chipper at work today, too. Not normal B style. It's fun, we play together. He calls me monkey. I call him squid man. I love him.
Quote of the night: "I really wish I had some orange juice...if someone hadn't drank it all two days ago...the entire jug...in one sitting."
B: "I heard it was good for sperm count"
Lesson #3: "Muscle weighs more than fat."
Ugh, I was seriously convincing myself that I was losing weight because I was awesome and my metabolism still loves me cuz I'm "young" and vibrant and totally able to drop a pound a day because that's just who I am. And then I realized 1) I came off of birth control. I'm a moron. And 2) I stopped working out. Altogether. Just stopped. As much as I'd like to think that I was holding onto all of that super muscle I put on when I started back at working out everyday...I do unfortunately have a slight bit of common sense left in me. So, today, I resolved to workout a tad bit more to combat my ridiculousness.
However, I have been doing much better on the "not eating myself into oblivion" kick I started a few days ago. Yay for me!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Day 3 Testing
We went to back to Dr. Z's today for my CD3 ultrasound and bloodwork. I was so pleased with the results, very exciting! My left ovary...drumroll...is alive and kicking! She's the one who happened to be "missing" in both of the ultrasounds performed with the last RE we went to last year. He was concerned that ovary just up and died on me. But alas, she was there and there were more follicles in the left ovary than the right even!
Dr. Z found six in the right, seven in the left. All's normal with the location of my ovaries as well, we were worried they'd be tucked behind my uterus or stuck to my pelvic wall in a way that couldn't be reached for retrieval. But the doc felt good about everything today. We'll have to wait and see what my bloodwork shows, but that was all good last year so I think we're good to go!
Now- the good stuff. B went in for his appointment today as well. This was B's first experience with any testing of this nature... and I think it was a memorable experience for him. I was in getting my exams while he was gettin' it done in the other room so I didn't get a chance to snoop how this all went down. But I forced him to give me details afterward. So, where do you go to have a good solid discussion on transvaginal ultrasounds and semen analysis collection? Mimi's Cafe of course!
We walked into Mimi's hand in hand, B with a tie on from work and me in my suit pants and button down. The hostess took one look at us and said "Well it looks like you two need the honeymoon suite". Ha, she had no idea. She sat us in a circular booth tucked in a corner- thank you Mimi's hostess lady. You saved your other patrons from a cinematic experience they might never get again.
So B started off by telling me that the whole thing was uncomfortable. No darling, not nearly enough details. I want more. So I went to work. "Well, what type of dirty nudey mags did they have in there?" Of course, the most important question.
B: "All they had was...a...a tiny tv...and a stack of dvd's..."
Thank you Lord, this is perfection. I love it. I could never be a man. Your wife is in the other room finding out how many follicles her ovaries have produced and you're placed in a room with a tiny tv and a stack of penthouse dvds. Check please. So of course, I proceed to say:
"I mean, how could you do it? Were you thinking of how many other men have been in there, shuffling through those same dvd's, touching that same tiny tv...before and after?"
B: "And they had a black leather chair"
...
First reaction:
Me: "Was it a recliner?"
LOL! Wow. I would have loved if it was a recliner. I have no idea why. I really wanted to dig deeper to find out which dvd he actually chose, but I decided enough was enough for the poor guy. I mean seriously, love it.
B: "And there was this black box where I was supposed to put the sample...and a bell to ring..."
A BELL?!?! It just gets better. Ding Ding, Done!
I mean, I'm in one room with a man staring way too intently at my "business", inserting objects to get a better look... And then there's my husband, in another room...providing a "sample" to some woman who dropped him off there with an awkward set of instructions and a reminder about the "bell". I wish I was a fly on that wall. No. No, nevermind. Take that back. black. leather. chair. uhhhhh
So, all and all- one of the better days in our infertility journey. This is what memories are made of!
Lesson #2: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket..."
Dr. Z found six in the right, seven in the left. All's normal with the location of my ovaries as well, we were worried they'd be tucked behind my uterus or stuck to my pelvic wall in a way that couldn't be reached for retrieval. But the doc felt good about everything today. We'll have to wait and see what my bloodwork shows, but that was all good last year so I think we're good to go!
Now- the good stuff. B went in for his appointment today as well. This was B's first experience with any testing of this nature... and I think it was a memorable experience for him. I was in getting my exams while he was gettin' it done in the other room so I didn't get a chance to snoop how this all went down. But I forced him to give me details afterward. So, where do you go to have a good solid discussion on transvaginal ultrasounds and semen analysis collection? Mimi's Cafe of course!
We walked into Mimi's hand in hand, B with a tie on from work and me in my suit pants and button down. The hostess took one look at us and said "Well it looks like you two need the honeymoon suite". Ha, she had no idea. She sat us in a circular booth tucked in a corner- thank you Mimi's hostess lady. You saved your other patrons from a cinematic experience they might never get again.
So B started off by telling me that the whole thing was uncomfortable. No darling, not nearly enough details. I want more. So I went to work. "Well, what type of dirty nudey mags did they have in there?" Of course, the most important question.
B: "All they had was...a...a tiny tv...and a stack of dvd's..."
Thank you Lord, this is perfection. I love it. I could never be a man. Your wife is in the other room finding out how many follicles her ovaries have produced and you're placed in a room with a tiny tv and a stack of penthouse dvds. Check please. So of course, I proceed to say:
"I mean, how could you do it? Were you thinking of how many other men have been in there, shuffling through those same dvd's, touching that same tiny tv...before and after?"
B: "And they had a black leather chair"
...
First reaction:
Me: "Was it a recliner?"
LOL! Wow. I would have loved if it was a recliner. I have no idea why. I really wanted to dig deeper to find out which dvd he actually chose, but I decided enough was enough for the poor guy. I mean seriously, love it.
B: "And there was this black box where I was supposed to put the sample...and a bell to ring..."
A BELL?!?! It just gets better. Ding Ding, Done!
I mean, I'm in one room with a man staring way too intently at my "business", inserting objects to get a better look... And then there's my husband, in another room...providing a "sample" to some woman who dropped him off there with an awkward set of instructions and a reminder about the "bell". I wish I was a fly on that wall. No. No, nevermind. Take that back. black. leather. chair. uhhhhh
So, all and all- one of the better days in our infertility journey. This is what memories are made of!
Lesson #2: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket..."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Something I'm Loving On...
This minute...
So the relationship between the yogurt and myself began yesterday late morning at the office. I was starting to get that feeling...you know the one. With the grumbles. The yearning. I was hungry. This is where I normally begin my standard search for delicious pastries amongst the cubicles. Insert yogurt. I was craving sweets, but not sour sweet...kinda chocolatey sweet. This little baby did it! And I actually made it through my missed lunch hour due to an uneccesarily angry client who felt it important to talk to a supervisor about her bad day (and maybe a couple problems with someone she spoke to...). I wasn't starving after angry lady hung up on me! Victory!
I have the one with vanilla yogurt and chocolate chip cookie pieces waiting patiently in a miniature container above said yogurt. There's a cookies and cream version with oreo pieces that I'm eyeing for next week. And a strawberry yogurt with granola chunks that sounds pretty standard and classically delicious. Week number three perhaps?
What I'm not loving right now:
Somebody please tell me how eight of these can cost $10,000??!?!?!!! *#@&! Little miss "free home estimate" must have fallen somehow and landed directly on the part of her brain that allows her to understand that $10k for drapes makes her a nut job. So we're still living curtain-less. Good morning, neighbor!
Day 1
Day 1 was yesterday, so I called my docs office and schedule for the ultrasound, bloodwork, and B's tests to be Wednesday (tomorrow!) in the afternoon. Yay! We're going at 1:15- start praying and hoping that my left ovary shows up, that both of my ovaries are in a spot that's not too hard to reach for retrieval, and that they're working properly!
We also scheduled my hysteroscopy and trial transfer for next Monday morning at 8:15am. Not looking forward to this one. They do a local anesthetic which is good...but there's also supposed to be some significant cramping afterward. My other two hysteroscopies were performed during my laparoscopies, so I was out. Not this time. Hmmm.
Then, we've got our follow-up appointment with Dr. Z to get all of the results next Wednesday the 12th at 9:30! I'm excited about this one. I had to rearrange my schedule completely for it because if we couldn't make it that Wednesday, we were gonna have to wait until after our week long vacation to Cabo to hear the results. Yikes! Can you imagine? No thanks. So, sorry work. I'm moving all of my meetings for this one. I gotta hear about B's awesome swimmers and my "challenged" ovaries. :)
ps- I've been doing pretty well on the eating front. No fried foods, no soda, less sweets, more water, and better portioning. I've lost a pound (but then ate a totally delicious and not so healthy dinner with my bf last night...she was introducing me to her new boyfriend and cooking us dinner! What am I gonna do?)! :)
I'm also trying a little experiment. I want to see if I can write a little "lesson" that applies to my day, my moment, my mental state...in each of my posts.
Lesson #1: "Go to bed earlier and wake up earlier! It's better for you! You're body's supposed to follow the sun, not your alarm clock" -My Papa
Now imagine that with the Godfather voice and some of the Godfather hand motions and you've got it. Ok, maybe not that bad...but he's totally the Papa. I didn't listen to him for years on this one- fought it with everything I had, but since we haven't gotten curtains yet in our "newish" house...sorry B, I just haven't found any I like... we're pretty much making it happen. So thanks Papa! You were right, I feel much better. But I think B's not so happy that I fall asleep every night on the couch, especially if we're watching basketball. Oh the soothing sounds of those squeaking shoes on the court...
We also scheduled my hysteroscopy and trial transfer for next Monday morning at 8:15am. Not looking forward to this one. They do a local anesthetic which is good...but there's also supposed to be some significant cramping afterward. My other two hysteroscopies were performed during my laparoscopies, so I was out. Not this time. Hmmm.
Then, we've got our follow-up appointment with Dr. Z to get all of the results next Wednesday the 12th at 9:30! I'm excited about this one. I had to rearrange my schedule completely for it because if we couldn't make it that Wednesday, we were gonna have to wait until after our week long vacation to Cabo to hear the results. Yikes! Can you imagine? No thanks. So, sorry work. I'm moving all of my meetings for this one. I gotta hear about B's awesome swimmers and my "challenged" ovaries. :)
ps- I've been doing pretty well on the eating front. No fried foods, no soda, less sweets, more water, and better portioning. I've lost a pound (but then ate a totally delicious and not so healthy dinner with my bf last night...she was introducing me to her new boyfriend and cooking us dinner! What am I gonna do?)! :)
I'm also trying a little experiment. I want to see if I can write a little "lesson" that applies to my day, my moment, my mental state...in each of my posts.
Lesson #1: "Go to bed earlier and wake up earlier! It's better for you! You're body's supposed to follow the sun, not your alarm clock" -My Papa
Now imagine that with the Godfather voice and some of the Godfather hand motions and you've got it. Ok, maybe not that bad...but he's totally the Papa. I didn't listen to him for years on this one- fought it with everything I had, but since we haven't gotten curtains yet in our "newish" house...sorry B, I just haven't found any I like... we're pretty much making it happen. So thanks Papa! You were right, I feel much better. But I think B's not so happy that I fall asleep every night on the couch, especially if we're watching basketball. Oh the soothing sounds of those squeaking shoes on the court...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Infertile
I almost feel wrong saying that I'm infertile. It's a very strange dichotomy... I know I am infertile. It hurts to know that I'm infertile. I cannot have a baby naturally, without the help of a doctor or a laboratory. That's such a disgusting feeling sometimes. But then there's this other side. I found out I was "probably" infertile years ago...before going through the pain and the serious suffering of trying and waiting that so many wonderful women and men go through. I was lucky to sit in a doctor's office at a young age and hear those words "it will be very difficult for you...". How strange is that?
So I feel almost guilty writing about my journey with infertility here because I know so many women who have gone through enormous struggle just to get to the place to know about their infertility. My struggle is beginning at a much different place. I'm here with the financial struggle, the medical struggle...but the emotional struggle is very different for me.
Let me qualify that last statement. I cry alone a lot. I cry at commercials, at movies, at horrible tv shows for goodness sakes. I think of the "natural" life and wonder. We never even went through those steps. I don't know what I'm missing out on...but when I see something about it, when I hear about the surprise of a positive pregnancy test...I cry.
Then I think about the What IFs. What if IVF doesn't work either? What if all of this joy I have at the fact that we get to even have an option is shattered and we're left broke and without? What if IVF works- we get pregnant, and then I can't carry a baby to term? What if it's all my fault? What if I'm not meant to bring a baby into this world? And then...my least favorite of all of my what if's- what if "she" resents me because I pass on all of the problems and failures that I have? What if she, too, is infertile. In pain. Incomplete?
I started this journey with endometriosis. A genetic disease that's so painful, so consuming, and so unfair. I'm now putting one foot in front of the other with endometriosis, Hashimoto's disease, a pituitary tumor... is it fair for me to even reproduce? That's the 'what if' that I try to shoot down each and every single time my mind presents it. But it creeps back up on me more than I'd like to admit.
But then, I'm so grateful that we didn't have to go through the trying, waiting, wondering phase. We got married with all of this in mind. He knew what he was getting himself into. I thank God for that everyday.
I hope that I can fit into a portion of this strong, brave, and powerful infertility community. I feel a little like an outsider. I hope my infertility journey is a short one- one glorious IVF cycle. I expect not, but I'm still hoping. I'm "wishing for twins" really.
So I feel almost guilty writing about my journey with infertility here because I know so many women who have gone through enormous struggle just to get to the place to know about their infertility. My struggle is beginning at a much different place. I'm here with the financial struggle, the medical struggle...but the emotional struggle is very different for me.
Let me qualify that last statement. I cry alone a lot. I cry at commercials, at movies, at horrible tv shows for goodness sakes. I think of the "natural" life and wonder. We never even went through those steps. I don't know what I'm missing out on...but when I see something about it, when I hear about the surprise of a positive pregnancy test...I cry.
Then I think about the What IFs. What if IVF doesn't work either? What if all of this joy I have at the fact that we get to even have an option is shattered and we're left broke and without? What if IVF works- we get pregnant, and then I can't carry a baby to term? What if it's all my fault? What if I'm not meant to bring a baby into this world? And then...my least favorite of all of my what if's- what if "she" resents me because I pass on all of the problems and failures that I have? What if she, too, is infertile. In pain. Incomplete?
I started this journey with endometriosis. A genetic disease that's so painful, so consuming, and so unfair. I'm now putting one foot in front of the other with endometriosis, Hashimoto's disease, a pituitary tumor... is it fair for me to even reproduce? That's the 'what if' that I try to shoot down each and every single time my mind presents it. But it creeps back up on me more than I'd like to admit.
But then, I'm so grateful that we didn't have to go through the trying, waiting, wondering phase. We got married with all of this in mind. He knew what he was getting himself into. I thank God for that everyday.
I hope that I can fit into a portion of this strong, brave, and powerful infertility community. I feel a little like an outsider. I hope my infertility journey is a short one- one glorious IVF cycle. I expect not, but I'm still hoping. I'm "wishing for twins" really.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Confession
Alright, I'm going to do it. I'm gonna confess to the world (or to my 1 follower...)...
I have a problem with junk food. Seriously. It's a problem! I used to be an athlete- I had a nutritionist. I know what I'm supposed to be doing here. And yet, here I am. Drowning in a sea of doritos, jelly beans, and donut holes. What's wrong with me?
I may not be drowning per say. I mean, I've seen those shows with the people who need a crane to get out of their house. Let's put things in perspective. But I do have a bit of a problem. It's like my self control went out the door with my swimming career. I see the food, I know it's not good, and then I eat it. As simple as that.
I think I might be making a resolution here, so keep reading. We'll see what happens.
About a month ago I got on the scale and realized that I had almost gained all of the weight back that I took off for our wedding. That's a sad, sad day. I worked hard to lose that weight, I was proud of myself! I was actually almost at my goal on our wedding day. Glorious! One two week honeymoon and an accomplished feeling after running a half marathon later, and I'm inching closer and closer to that "not healthy" place.
I'm a tall girl. Really. Kind of freakish-tall. ;) I've got some muscle on me as well. So I'm never going to be down in the low or mid 100's. That's not in the cards for me (no matter how much I want to be able to take a piggy back ride up a hill one day...). Nope, I'm destined to be larger than the average girl. But hopefully not in the width category. Right now, I'm creeping that way very successfully! And the problem is, I know how to fix it. I just don't have the self control or motivation to make those sacrifices.
I'm more of a mover than a shaker. I'll go out there and start exercising pretty easily. I don't mind the burn of a longer than usual run, or the serious sweat of a spin class. I like it, really. And I do those things most of the time (I mean, this last week was an exception...). But shaking things up and actually EATING right would require a miracle from God it seems. I'm praying for it, just in case.
What I should be doing: Cutting out all fried foods (I didn't even used to like fried foods, what am I doing?), cutting out all carbonated beverages (again, who am I? I was the water girl through and through...), limiting sweets (this has never been my fortay. Ok, honestly, this is nearly impossible for me and I'm not going to go doing the impossible...), portion controlling (I still see myself as the swimmer who needed 3,000 calories a day. Yikes!), and drinking more water (eh, whatevs).
What I am doing: Eating anything and everything I can get my hands on that's simple, right there, and tasty.
::Big Pause::
I'm not ready for a serious life change just yet. I think I'd fail at it. And I'm not about dieting. I'll just gain it all right back plus. What about some modification?
First- the fried foods. I'm really liking the fried foods. Chips, appetizers...so yummy. But is it necessary for me to eat fried foods to get my cravings satisfied? I don't think so. I think I can substitute other things here. I crave salt regularly. I have options in this category. I heart dill pickles. Very low in calories and totally curb that salt craving. There's also nuts, hummus, light popcorn, and veggies (for the crunchy side of this particular craving). Add a little ranch for flavor and I might be in business.
Second- the carbonated bevies. I drink them because they're easy, let's be honest. I'm not usually wandering around NEEDING a soda. That's not really me. But when it's there, I'm gonna drink it. So I need to have water more readily available. It's back to the water bottle lifestyle for me. And water with lemons is delish in my book. Squeeze some of those babies in there and I'm good to go. Yeah, this one's a done deal . Plus, caffeine is a risk factor for unsuccessful IVF. Sweet- motivation!
Third- Sweets. I will not cut out sweets. That's some sort of foolish self torture. I'm not into self mutilation of any form. So I will eat sweets. I may, just maybe, try to cut back a bit though. I'm at work, there's a birthday (every third day, it's ridiculous)- I will not go for the corner piece of cake with the most frosting. I will go for a middle piece. And I will request a smaller size! How empowering. And I will not go on hunts for people who have candy sitting out on their desk. I will stock my own desk with items that will help me get through these moments of weakness. Maybe some Hershey's kisses. Maybe some mints! Those are always good to keep my mouth pre-occupied. I like it!
Finally- Portion Control. Yikes. I'm looking at a serious mind shift when it comes to this category. Here's my motivation- when I get pregnant, I want people to notice. I don't want my current belly to disguise said pregnancy. In order to lose the weight around my mid-section...I must eat less. Period. I can still eat what I want for the most part, I really just need to eat less of it. This is a big problem with my current hunger levels. In order to assist with this- I'll drink more water!!! Yes, I'm telling you it works. Not always, but about 37% of the time. I'll think I'm hungry, then I drink water and I can be good to go. Now, if I wait until I'm hungry AND craving something in particular (salt, sweets, chicken wings, etc), then a water bottle ain't helping. But if I start to feel a teensy bit hungry, and then I drink some water, it usually helps quite a bit.
Good- a mild resolution of some do-able changes. Anyone with me?
I have a problem with junk food. Seriously. It's a problem! I used to be an athlete- I had a nutritionist. I know what I'm supposed to be doing here. And yet, here I am. Drowning in a sea of doritos, jelly beans, and donut holes. What's wrong with me?
I may not be drowning per say. I mean, I've seen those shows with the people who need a crane to get out of their house. Let's put things in perspective. But I do have a bit of a problem. It's like my self control went out the door with my swimming career. I see the food, I know it's not good, and then I eat it. As simple as that.
I think I might be making a resolution here, so keep reading. We'll see what happens.
About a month ago I got on the scale and realized that I had almost gained all of the weight back that I took off for our wedding. That's a sad, sad day. I worked hard to lose that weight, I was proud of myself! I was actually almost at my goal on our wedding day. Glorious! One two week honeymoon and an accomplished feeling after running a half marathon later, and I'm inching closer and closer to that "not healthy" place.
I'm a tall girl. Really. Kind of freakish-tall. ;) I've got some muscle on me as well. So I'm never going to be down in the low or mid 100's. That's not in the cards for me (no matter how much I want to be able to take a piggy back ride up a hill one day...). Nope, I'm destined to be larger than the average girl. But hopefully not in the width category. Right now, I'm creeping that way very successfully! And the problem is, I know how to fix it. I just don't have the self control or motivation to make those sacrifices.
I'm more of a mover than a shaker. I'll go out there and start exercising pretty easily. I don't mind the burn of a longer than usual run, or the serious sweat of a spin class. I like it, really. And I do those things most of the time (I mean, this last week was an exception...). But shaking things up and actually EATING right would require a miracle from God it seems. I'm praying for it, just in case.
What I should be doing: Cutting out all fried foods (I didn't even used to like fried foods, what am I doing?), cutting out all carbonated beverages (again, who am I? I was the water girl through and through...), limiting sweets (this has never been my fortay. Ok, honestly, this is nearly impossible for me and I'm not going to go doing the impossible...), portion controlling (I still see myself as the swimmer who needed 3,000 calories a day. Yikes!), and drinking more water (eh, whatevs).
What I am doing: Eating anything and everything I can get my hands on that's simple, right there, and tasty.
::Big Pause::
I'm not ready for a serious life change just yet. I think I'd fail at it. And I'm not about dieting. I'll just gain it all right back plus. What about some modification?
First- the fried foods. I'm really liking the fried foods. Chips, appetizers...so yummy. But is it necessary for me to eat fried foods to get my cravings satisfied? I don't think so. I think I can substitute other things here. I crave salt regularly. I have options in this category. I heart dill pickles. Very low in calories and totally curb that salt craving. There's also nuts, hummus, light popcorn, and veggies (for the crunchy side of this particular craving). Add a little ranch for flavor and I might be in business.
Second- the carbonated bevies. I drink them because they're easy, let's be honest. I'm not usually wandering around NEEDING a soda. That's not really me. But when it's there, I'm gonna drink it. So I need to have water more readily available. It's back to the water bottle lifestyle for me. And water with lemons is delish in my book. Squeeze some of those babies in there and I'm good to go. Yeah, this one's a done deal . Plus, caffeine is a risk factor for unsuccessful IVF. Sweet- motivation!
Third- Sweets. I will not cut out sweets. That's some sort of foolish self torture. I'm not into self mutilation of any form. So I will eat sweets. I may, just maybe, try to cut back a bit though. I'm at work, there's a birthday (every third day, it's ridiculous)- I will not go for the corner piece of cake with the most frosting. I will go for a middle piece. And I will request a smaller size! How empowering. And I will not go on hunts for people who have candy sitting out on their desk. I will stock my own desk with items that will help me get through these moments of weakness. Maybe some Hershey's kisses. Maybe some mints! Those are always good to keep my mouth pre-occupied. I like it!
Finally- Portion Control. Yikes. I'm looking at a serious mind shift when it comes to this category. Here's my motivation- when I get pregnant, I want people to notice. I don't want my current belly to disguise said pregnancy. In order to lose the weight around my mid-section...I must eat less. Period. I can still eat what I want for the most part, I really just need to eat less of it. This is a big problem with my current hunger levels. In order to assist with this- I'll drink more water!!! Yes, I'm telling you it works. Not always, but about 37% of the time. I'll think I'm hungry, then I drink water and I can be good to go. Now, if I wait until I'm hungry AND craving something in particular (salt, sweets, chicken wings, etc), then a water bottle ain't helping. But if I start to feel a teensy bit hungry, and then I drink some water, it usually helps quite a bit.
Good- a mild resolution of some do-able changes. Anyone with me?
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