Blown away

I don't know what to think right now.  First, I can't believe the outpouring of love and support. Thank you. You won't ever know how important it has been to me to feel like I'm not alone. I never thought that people could care so much about someone they've never met, or a girl without a name. You're all so much better than I could ever be.  You're making me better.



I called the doctor's office this morning before work and asked for a call from the nurse or the doctor or something.  I got a voicemail about 6 hours later from the doctor saying that we should move to a D & C and that he'd call me back.

Then I got a call from the nurse saying that she'd gotten a chance to show the doctor the ultrasound report and wanted to let me know.  I started to ask her some of my questions and she said I should ask him when he calls back.

About 3 hours later I heard from the doctor again.  I actually got to talk to him this time, and I had written down some questions that B and I came up with.  He started by asking me how I was doing.  I said I'd been better.  He chuckled.

He proceeded to spend the next ten minutes circling around the same answer over and over.  He was very upset with the doctor that saw me at the imaging center for discussing my "case" without doing any research on my history or situation.  He said he'd be calling the head of their center to report it. He said she was wrong. Then he told me that he wasn't convinced this isn't an ectopic still.  What? He said that it seemed very similar to what we had seen on the low res ultrasound, a "pseudo sac".  I told him that's not at all what the doctor told me at the imaging center.  He said that I had the benefit of actually seeing the images- he hasn't seen them.  He has a report that said there was a gestational sac and that he felt as though they weren't "sure" what was in the gestational sac.

I was blown away.

I told him that they were certain there was a yolk sac when I was there - that it was obvious even to me, someone who had never been pregnant before.  He said "oh".

I asked why we stopped progesterone so early, now that we know that something developed.  He said my numbers were too low and slow to increase for anything to actually work.  He "had never seen anything work with numbers that low".  I just kinda froze at this point and didn't really push or ask my other questions. 

He said that he wants to "evacuate" the cavity and see what the HCG numbers do.  If they go down he'll feel comfortable that this was a "missed abortion", if not, then we're still looking at an ectopic.  THEY DIDN'T SEE AN ECTOPIC ANYWHERE.  He feels that it's probably not ectopic, but isn't "convinced". 

I'm still blown away and I have no idea what to think.  I feel like I can't trust any of this.  The ultrasound tech, the radiologist/OB, my RE...none of it.  Who do I believe? What the hell is going on???

Anyone else confused yet? yeah, me too.

He said that it's not viable. No shit.  I've been on methotrexate for two weeks. 

I so want to believe that this was just an "F"d up natural miscarriage that we happened to misdiagnose several times but actually was over before any of the "unnatural" parts started (stopping progesterone, metho). That would be so much easier to take.  But this is insane- does he really still think there's a chance it's ectopic? What the heck is he talking about? I have this deep down feeling that he's covering his ass and it's all just fluff and bullshit.  My life = fluff and bullshit.

Sorry again Dad, but you've gotta admit it's kinda bullshit. 

I wish I could fully explain what's going on. I wish I could just chalk this up to bad luck and move forward.  I wish that it was two months ago and B and I decided that maybe we should wait another month before IVF...

I'm scheduled for a D & C next Tuesday morning.  He's hoping my body will miscarry naturally.  If not by next Tuesday- he wants to go in before I develop an infection. 

Blown away.  Just kinda floating through this right now- I have no idea who or what to believe.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I know that.

one.day.at.a.time.