First Progesterone Suppositories...TMI

Leakage! Leakage leakage leakage.  If I'm committed to honesty on this blog, then the word for the day is leakage.  How do people deal with these things? I need to go buy some liners, this is wonderful.

I wish that I could do them at night rather than in the morning- I've heard it's much less messy.  But no, I get to trot to work with this between my legs.  I must look like I've got something up my a** when I'm walking around. Very squirmish. I'm just trying to keep it in there!!!

Anyone else have this extent of leaking? I mean, is it working? Is enough staying in there to do the job??? It's all oily... wow.

I was light headed again this morning when I got up. It made me feel sick- dizzy. Lying down again does the trick, but I'm a little worried about going back to work on Monday. Please let all of this be a GOOD thing! Not just side effects of the massive amounts of hormones I'm on... Please!

I'm gonna try to get B to take me to the Farmer's Market if I can sit in the car without ruining the upholstery.  I'm sorry, too much. :)

WTF! This can't be good.

They upped my estrogen and progesterone!  But of course, didn't tell me my results so I have absolutely no idea what's going on, other than that they want me on more meds.  Signs point to my numbers weren't high enough. Why can't they just tell me?  So now I get the joy of progesterone suppositories in the morning and my PIO shot every evening.  Plus, an extra Vivelle estrogen patch on the tummy. What a mess. I'm totally worried.

I'm feeling super light headed all day today. Like, every time I stand up everything goes black. I've had lowish blood pressure on and off for some time- and it feels real bad right now.  At the transfer it was 100/51.  This feels way worse. I need to get up and move around, but I feel like I'm gonna pass out! And holy exhaustion. I think it all goes together- too much lying around for three days = low blood pressure = super tired.  Or maybe I'm just pregnant.   ...  

B took me to dinner to get out of the house.  I felt disgusting.  Totally hot the whole time, clammy. Really light headed. I wanted to sleep on the table.

So we're staying in for the rest of the night. I'm going to try and avoid googling early pregnancy symptoms for the fourth time today... anyone heard of skin pain in early pregnancy? ...I've lost my mind.

Bored Day?

I just logged into my work email and read through everything I've missed/am missing not being there and it officially stressed me out.  So I'm logging out of my work email and not thinking about it again until Monday.  I'd much rather go back to having a bored day than deal with that.

So B sent me a note with a list of 16 things I can do to entertain myself today while I'm not on bed rest but also not at work because I'm a slacker, or I'm obsessing over trying to keep this PUPO going. (ps- I've added an abbreviations list on my sidebar for those not up with the lingo)

Here was B's amazing list with my added notes:

1. Brush the cat 1,000 strokes (our cat never receives a good brushing because we pet her far too often. I feel like if I brushed her she'd lose all of her fur)
2. Read to Petrie and Ducky!!!
3. Alphabatize the DVD's (this is so something B would come up with. The funny thing, this isn't something I even have the ability to dream up as an idea to alleviate boredom.  Are you starting to see the roles we've both taken in our marriage?)
4. Have a baby show tv marathon (yes, I watch baby shows. I watch baby shows with a vengance. It's an addiction. It's not healthy. And my husband hates it.)
5. Sit in the corner of the bedroom on watch for the yard squirrel (this one would be too difficult to fully explain.  But let me sum it up.  Cat thinks there is something trying to attack us from the patio in the middle of the night on a regular basis. She tries to kill it from inside by pouncing on the window frame repeatedly at 4:30am.  We have watched, there is nothing there. B thinks it's a yard squirrel. What is a yard squirrel you may ask? I'm not sure...)
6. Start making a list of what you want for Christmas (I love this man.  He entertains me to no end, and he knows me so well.  This may be one that I actually do today...)
7. See how many pickles you can fit in your mouth at one time (I love pickles. I could eat an entire jar in one sitting if that didn't make me and everyone else vomit at just the mere thought. And they're only 5 calories per spear! 5 Calories!!)
8. Make a list of things for me to do when I get home (hehehe, start thinking...start thinking...)
9. Figure out what we still need to buy to complete the home decorating (we just got our drapes. It finally feels like a home! But I'm SURE I can add a few more things...)
10. Look online for bathroom fixtures you want (oh, there it is. I knew there was something else we needed. I hate brass.)
11. Blog the longest blog ever. (Seriously, he knows me so well)
12. Play Wii and don't let me know you've been practicing so the next time you beat me at MarioCart I won't know what's going on (I hate to admit this. I actually got mad at B one day for playing Wii Boxing without me and not telling me until he beat me at it one evening. It felt so dirty. I'm sick)
13. Make homemade cookies (this blog may be cut short so that I can get to the grocery store to start!)
14. Plan the weekend (I TOTALLY saw a Farmer's Market sign on the way to Dr. Z's office this morning and started making plans for the weekend already... check!)
15. Search for things to sell on Ebay (we have issues...)
16. Last but not least...miss me horribly (CHECK!)

I mean, is he not the best DH ever? I'm so glad I hooked him and now he's stuck with me forever. :)

So we went in for blood work this morning and it was completely uneventful. Except for this little fact- I asked if they would send me my progesterone and estrogen levels and they said no. No? No. So, like, no? No. Ok, no.

They said they will tell me if I need to change my meds at all, but they usually don't send actual numbers. I have no idea why. I don't like that. I really really wanted to tell them that a bunch of my blog friends have their actual numbers, but I thought that sounded really creepy.  I mean, wtf? Why can't they just tell me?

Ok- One Day's inner struggles continue this morning.  I woke up and felt nothing. Nothing. This doesn't matter, you say? Yes, you're probably right.  Except that for the last several weeks I've woken up with pretty gnarley pain in my abdomen from stretching or ripping innards. I woke up this morning and felt like I was getting my life back.  My abdomen didn't feel like it was bigger than buddha. And that's not how I want to feel right now.  I know, I know. I'm never satisfied. I'm going to try and forget about this one.  But I keep thinking that OHSS symptoms (I've heard) don't really go away if you get pregnant, because HCG keeps it lingering.  And I'm feeling like my ovaries are calming down and going back to normal.  Any thoughts on this?

Alright, off to buy chocolate chips! :)

2dp5dt

For those not in total tune with the infertility blog world, the title means 2 days past 5 day transfer. I made B read some of the blogs out loud I've been following when I was in bed and we couldn't get the computer to reach me. I hate not having wireless... Anyway, he was reading and one of these little "XdpXdt" came up and he sorta paused and slowly stumbled through it and gave the computer a quizzical look... love him. Why would he know what that means? Why would anyone? Anyone but us infertile bloggers of course.

So I'm into my second day after the transfer.  That crucial 24 hours has passed, almost 48 now.  I've done a pretty good job staying horizontal. All because of B waiting on me! Thank you honey!!!

I have to ask, however, why the doctors office would push so heavily to stay positive and think happy thoughts during this 48 hours, but call with not-so-good news only about 22 hours after transfer?  I sobbed like a little girl.  Well, not really like a little girl; like a huge, loud, sobbing girl. The embryologist called to let me know that none of our embryos made it to freeze.  They were all stuck in day three or day four.  ...  That didn't give me much hope for the ones they put in. Granted, these two were our best.  Our survivors, right? But in that moment, that dark moment after I hung up the phone and the embryologist told me to have a good day...I couldn't see past the darkness.  I let it all out- and I'm sure that's not good for implantation.  I was thinking about the sobbing as it was happening- it was loud heavy sobs. The kind that your entire body gets into. The kind that makes your stomach hurt.  So of course, guilt set in that I was pushing the embryos out with every sob.  I couldn't escape it- I was spiraling for sure. 

I texted B- he had gone into work.  I asked him to come home, said the rest had died. It was a cryptic, dramatic text for my cryptic, dramatic mood.

He was home in 15 minutes and laid on the bed with me, telling me all of the things that I needed to hear but didn't want to.  We talked for a while, I cried some more- but no more snot inducing sobs. Just sad, sad tears. He held me, and he talked to Petrie and Ducky.  He got me to talk to them, too.  To apologize for my lack of faith. I needed that. 

So then we spent the next few minutes naming our children.  This is the best thing a girl like me can do for hope.  I told B that I didn't want to hope because it hurt too bad.  I'd rather stay cold and shut off because I knew it wasn't going to work anyway.  He reminded me that if I don't have hope, it still will hurt.  As soon as we get that beta- if it's not what we wanted all along, it's going to hurt.  But giving it a chance won't make it hurt any more. I'm not sure if that's true, but it's right nonetheless.  It's the right thing.  So we named our babies. Not our embryos, but our babies.  The ones we WILL have.  And they're beautiful names.  I can't wait.

I also spent some time on the internet last night when we jimmy rigged a way for me to get to the computer.  This helped me so much! Thank you for the link, Stacie! I actually started feeling like I wasn't faking hope last night when I read of the mother who transferred three embryos, two of which were nearly shots in the dark- not good quality. ALL three implanted, and one of them even split. She had quadruplets.  It's true, quality of the embryo is not end-all. Things can change...they saw our grade two embryo changing right before they transferred it.  It was still developing. Our survivor! And don't leave Ducky out, don't you dare count Ducky out. 

So today I'm obsessing over a few slight cramps.  Nothing to really speak of- but just a few little somethings.  I'm sure it's nothing, it may even be a good thing. Who knows!
Our beta is August 5th.  I go in tomorrow for the progesterone/estrogen blood draw.  C'mon blood levels! Keep doing your job, and I'll keep doing mine.

ps- my mom's homemade vegetable soup was the best thing that could have happened. Sooo easy, so delicious. I ate five bowls in two days. Gross. I'm gross.

And Then There Were.....2

I'm writing this on a piece of paper from bed.  My B is typing it up for me because our stupid wireless is broken....Along with my spirit....melodramatic much?

Today was not the special day I thought it would be, that I was hoping for.  We've spent the last two days pondering whether to transfer 1 or 2 of our glorious quality embryos.  I should have known better.  Every time I get even remotely optimistic, it breaks my heart.  My heart is so broken.

We got to the office, bladder pain in tow, and put on our cute little smocks, all giggles and jokes.  Nothing but optimism.  Dr. Z and the embryologist came in and handed me the photo of 2 embryos.  I felt proud I mean, they just look like blobs but I thought for sure they were the best blobs those doctors had ever seen.  Then the embryologist said they were grade 2 and grade 3.  I paused.  What?  Grade 3 was the bad one.  It must switch at the blastocyst phase.  Grade 3 means perfection! Got it!

Wrong.

She looked me in the eye and said we have no more grade 1's they didn't last.  They didn't make it.  We only have one grade 2.  It's "slow" developing.  They aren't sure what it will do.  There's only one grade 3.  It's not great, but the others are all stuck in day 3.  They stopped developing.

Dr. Z said he was definitely alarmed.  He's concerned about this prognosis.  Doesn't know if it's the egg, the sperm, the two.  He said the endo may have something to do with it.  We transferred our two embryos and were told there probably won't be any to freeze.  We'll know for sure tomorrow.

Dr. Z started talking about if this one doesn't work, he'll want to do some more tests.  But he told me to try and stay positive in the moment.  Keep with this cycle and try to believe.  We had a lot of nurses say the same.  A lot of pity looks.  Everyone was incredibly nice.  "We're rooting for you!"

B told me to talk to the embryos.  He told me to tell them that I believe in them.  We named them Petrie and Ducky (anyone get the "Land Before Time" reference?)  I'm having an incredibly hard time believing.  I don't want optimism.  I don't want to hurt like this again.

At least we had 2 left.  At least we got to transfer any.

So for now, I'll eat the pineapple and walnuts.  I'll try to will these little two to implant.  And I'll try to believe in them....Little two - I'm here.  I'm your mom.  I'm trying my hardest....don't give up on me yet.  I won't give up on you either.  Thanks for sticking around for us this far.  Now try to get comfortable, and I'll be here the whole time...waiting for you.

::breathe::

Transfer Day

I hardly slept. I really needed to sleep...but hopefully I'll sleep afterward. 

Chopped up my little pineapple friend. That's not as hard as I thought it would be- just needed a good knife. :) Did you know that the core of the pineapple kind of ruins the taste? Yeah, there's a pretty good reason they de-core those things.  I'll be sucking away on some pineapple cores all day today!

Alright, need to shower.

Holy Tomorrow Batman

I'm so excitednervous right now that I feel like puking! That could be the popcorn and junior mints I just ate. It was movie night, what can I say? Is that bad? Should I not eat that stuff the night before our transfer? Crap.

I did however buy a whole pineapple. It's sitting on my kitchen counter staring at me. I have no idea what to do with it.  I'm thinking about naming it and allowing it to sit on the couch with me. Apparently the core of said pineapple can assist in implantation. And walnuts.  B went out and bought a whole pineapple and a pack of walnuts tonight when he went out to get a (horrible) movie for movie night. I made him. I read it on the internets. The internets told me to do it. So I did.

I've decided that I'm taking the rest of the week off.  Yes, I'm a crazy lady and I've decided that I'm going to allow this IVF cycle to actually take over my whole life.  Will I regret it later? Depends on the outcome.  Maybe not. I'm not sure.  But I'm all paranoid about embryos falling out or whatnot.  I know, that's ridiculous. They can't just fall out. (Insert inner voice telling me that the uterine fluid that haunted me for four days just fell out, why can't embryos?  Hence, my paranoia. I'm a crazy person.)  But I mean, hopefully this IVF thing won't happen millions of times (i.e. more than twice because we will run out of money) so I think taking it super easy and prioritizing this little adventure is ok in my book.

B and I are carpooling to work in the morning to get a little done before the valium kicks in.  Then I'm coming home to shower (no lotions or fragrances of any kind allowed in procedure rooms at Dr. Z's) and then B will take me to the office at 12:30. Transfer is at 1:00.  ...   ....     ............   Still haven't decided on one or two embryos.  It's making me bananas. I've written thirty seven pros and cons lists in my head. 

Oh, 38. Dangit.

I'm definitely excited to see the pictures of our embryos. I hope we still have a good amount!!! I'll be ecstatic if there are still 11.  Beside myself.  ...Not realistic. Let's not get out of hand here.

Ok, I need to get some sleep and hope these junior mints/nerves stop making me want to puke. And it was the really good movie theater butter popcorn. Bless.

Good GOOD news!!!

Our little seven turned into little ELEVEN! Yeah, somehow four of the 9 that didn't show any signs of fertilization actually fertilized.  This was such a good phone call. Holy crap, what a good phone call! 

It got better. My doctor uses a 1-3 rating scale at this point (don't know if all labs do that...) with 1 being 0-10% fragmentation, 2 a little more than that, 3 not so good.  Well, we have 9 embryo's scoring a 1!!!! We have two embryo's that are 2's. No 3's.

I can't believe it, this is amazing.  I definitely wasn't expecting an increase in embryo number, let alone such a good report of quality.

So, of course, the embryologist had to throw us a curve ball to make us start thinking rather than just celebrating (ok, no we're still celebrating).  She said that due to my age (27) and my embryo quality at this point (which could obviously change by day 5), she would recommend we go forward with a single embryo transfer right now. 

Dr. Z mentioned this before. He's a firm believer.  I'm totally torn.  His office shows only about a 5% decrease in success rate with a single embryo transfer as opposed to transferring two.  But it obviously decreases the chance of twins, and Dr. Z likes that a lot. 

I want to hear your opinions.  What have you read? What have you heard?  B is concerned about the risks of a twin pregnancy.  I'm concerned about a 5% decrease in success rates. I'm not too sure about the risks associated with multiples. Thoughts? Anyone?

And yay again! :)

Riiiiing!

I'm waiting for the call from the embryologist. It's 7:25am on a Sunday morning. I highly doubt I'll be getting a call from her anytime in the next 5 hours...but alas, I wait.

I spent almost all of yesterday laying around watching comfort movies (similar to comfort food, just less tasty) and having B wait on me. Not fair, I know. I'm not even on the bed rest phase.  But my belly hurts! Real real bad! I'm trying with all of my might not to take the vicodin, I don't want to. I've never been a fan of narcotics, and I usually won't take pain medication unless the pain seriously impairs my existence.  So I figured if I stayed down maybe I would avoid the drugs (seems like it's impairing my existence though, no?) And it worked.  Staying down definitely helped ease up the screaming that is my bladder/kidneys/ureters/intestines!

Don't ask me why I'm surprised by this. I'm a do-er. I don't like laying down too often, especially when there are things to be done. So through all of this endo madness I really haven't done a lot of the "lay down and take a load off" thing.  At times, don't get me wrong, I wasn't physically able to get up.  But that's a whole different blog.  (Literally. I have a whole different blog that's not anonymous about my endometriosis/hashimoto's/cushing's disease debacle.  I stopped writing there when we started IVF because I wanted a place I could write without everyone -people from work- knowing what we're doing, etc.)

OMG we got drapes yesterday! ::stream of consciousness::  The installer showed up around 2:30pm and I got to watch 2.5 movies in the other room while he made our house look glorious (and B moved all the furniture). I watched A Walk To Remember. B was embarrassed by me.  It's a good movie, shutup!

So our drapes are beautiful. I was so worried that the colors I picked out would be off, or the hardware would look too dark, etc. No, and no. They're all perfect.  We did four rooms, four different colors.  Most of them are grommet top and just perfect.  The bedroom especially. We have kind of a dark blue/grey color on the walls and went with a thick silver fabric and it's stunning if I don't say so myself. We need to steam them a bit, they're a little wrinkled.  But other than that, I'm uber pleased :)

Going to my parents' house for family dinner tonight. We haven't seen the little monkeys (my niece and nephew, not my parents) for a while- we miss them! I asked my mom to make her homemade vegetable soup for me for next week. I'm such a little girl. I've made it before, but it never tastes the same. And it's my all-time favorite leftover food, perfect for when you don't want to cook for a couple days.  So I'm bringing it home and will eat it Tuesday and Wednesday, and maybe Thursday!  Woops, went to the grocery store and bought fish, chicken, and flank steak. Damnit.  Soup for lunch it is!!!

Ok, going to go sit on my couch, find some awful tv to watch, and try to not think about this phone call.  Please say all seven made it to today! Then we need all seven to make it to Tuesday, too. That'd be good. Can you make that happen as well?

And then there were 7.

I just cried after our second PIO (progesterone in oil) shot.   This could very easily become an excruciatingly emotional and rapidly downward spiraling post of self-pity, pain, and horror.  Not because I'm overly distraught about the 10 that are no longer, but because holy hell this hurts like mad.

An aside- I may come back later and write a post that has all of the mushy emotions and sentiment that I'm feeling about this whole IVF process on this, the first day after our retrieval.  But at this point I think it best for my own sanity to go ahead and write with a sense of humor about this whole f'ing thing.

I got a prescription for narcotics today.  Yes, I broke down and called Dr. Z about the horrific amount of pain I'm having in my lady regions and the alarming sensation of ripping every time I urinate.

 Sexy.

It's Friday, I'm worried about the weekend. So I call the office and they put Dr. Z on the phone when I say words like "shaking on the toilet" and "tears of panic streaming down my face". Poetic. So Dr. Z calms me down with a reassuring "you've been through things like this before, I don't think anything horrible is happening, just some stretching and ripping of your [insides]" (I inserted the word insides because it doesn't really matter what Dr. Z actually said right then, what he and I both know is that there is stretching and ripping of my INSIDES!)

So I tell him I took some tylenol cuz that's what he said I could take after the retrieval and he kinda giggled in a way and said I should take some tylenol with codeine. So I cutely asked if I can get that over the counter. ... I will be picking up percocet this evening at my pharmacy.  It may have to be vicodin cuz I think him faxing in a script for percocet won't fly... but vicodin is still pretty.

I did my motherly duties and asked if this would affect the cycle and would it be bad for our hypothetical future baby and such.  He said no, as long as I'm not on narcotics after the transfer. Check.

For the remainder of the day I sat on my desk chair with my legs out stretched, my skirt hiked up just below by boobs and a really pretty "come talk to me I'm super personable right now" look on my face. I wanted nothing more than to burn that mother down. But I stayed. I sat there, I finished *most* of my work and then promptly waddled out of the building as soon as possible. I had to get home to have my husband stab me with a needle full of OIL.

Ps- for those who are there, WTF is up with the PIO shot?!?! Evil. It's all cute and nice at first, not too painful...and then BAM. The next morning your limping around your office like you got sucker punched in the ass 86 times.

So after we got the call today that 7 were remaining- one egg had just died- didn't make it to the fertilization stage and 9 weren't showing any signs of fertilization...coming home to do another shot felt extra bitter. I know, 7 is a good thing. I know this. Believe me. Don't be mad at me. I just was hoping for more at this stage.  I think the hardest part was when the embryologist lady said that by Sunday (day 3) we'll know more, she's not looking at them again until then, and that usually 30% of those that make it to day three actually make it to day 5.  Hmm...let's look at the odds there.  7 at day 1. Hopefully but maybe not all of those make it to day 3. And only 30% of THOSE make it to day 5.  But we're doing a day 5 transfer still. That's a good thing.

Oh man, the sefl-pity came out. Again.  I'm trying here, but I just want to relay what's in my head. What I went through today. 

Honestly, I'm just glad B hasn't moved out.  You should have seen the look in my eye when he was prepping that needle.  I could have burned a hole right through him.  And then of course it was a bleeder, so I'm all bossy and angry and making him get band-aids so I don't bleed on the couch, and yuck. I'm a hot mess right now.  (I inserted hot because I need a little something here, throw me an f'ing bone).

Seriously, 7 is still really good.  We've got great hope there.  Keep growing and dividing and doing all of the things that good little embryos do, 7!  Our little seven.

Seventeen

Seventeen beautiful possibilities were retrieved this morning.  Seventeen chances at life.  Pray for them.

xo

So close!

I can't believe we're retrieving tomorrow morning! Wow. This IVF situation has been a rocky road- but it's gone by pretty fast actually.  It doesn't feel that long ago that we were sitting in Dr. Z's office deciding whether he was the right RE.  Or even that long ago since we sat at our first RE's office terrified of his prognosis. That was a year ago. 

I remember when I was 19 years old, sitting in the emergency room, writhing in pain- wondering what was wrong with me.  Scared to death of what was coming, what was happening, who was around me.  I had no idea.  But deep down I knew, it was one of the most terrifying things I've ever been through.  My late coach, a true inspiration to me, sat next to me for hours waiting to be seen by ... anyone.  My teammate, another coach - we all sat there while I cried and cringed.  No one knew what was going on. I was in Southern California on a trip- I was just a baby.  When they finally pulled me into a room and did a quickie vaginal exam with a speculum that was too big, I could hardly open my legs I was so horrified.  That was just the beginning.  Just a speck on the history that I've had with this horrible disease. The disease that has dictated my future in nearly every way.

But now, years upon years later, I feel empowered to know that I have this disease.  My mother had it.  It took her uterus at 29.  She's one of the strongest women I know.  It's robbed more than I'd like to admit of my own.  But it also has given me such a sense of self- a way of measuring my own strength and my own determination to survive each day better than the last.  Nothing has really come easy to me since all of this started, and thank God for that.  Who would I be without it? I can't even imagine the differences in my world without the hurdles I've been blessed to jump.  I hated most every minute of it, and it's defined me as a warrior in my own right. 

So I'm faced with my biggest hurdle yet.  The one that I've feared since that first moment I truly understood what my future held.  At 19- the words "it won't be easy for you" mean so many things.  But they are a glorious reminder today of the power I have within me, the grace God has given me, and the faith I have that His will is being done in my life rather than my own.

Today, I have a tremendous man by my side to hold my hand, remind me of that inner strength, and lift me up when my own determination isn't enough. Today I have a family that surrounds me with love and care, the kind of family who understands what each pain means and what each setback holds.  Today, I have the means to allow us this miracle of a chance at a family.  We are so lucky.

So tomorrow is the first big step.  Sixteen chances for what I was never sure could be possible. 

It's such a beautiful thing. It's empowering, and it's terrifying.  Don't ever forget this moment of innocence and truth, don't ever forget this feeling of life.  The possibilities are so vivid.  The future is so uncertain.  This is real, and we are meant to be right here.

Last Monitoring Appointment!

We went in for our last monitoring appointment this morning. My uterine lining is "textbook perfect".  I mean, really? The nurse even commented. I so so so hope that this means that that fluid debacle won't matter. I so hope that this means I can let my guard down just for a little bit, just a teensy bit.

We triggered about an hour and a half ago.  Got the call this morning to trigger at 9:15pm- it was about 9:25 when we actually did it because the needle broke and we were super paranoid about the 1cc of water situation...that 1cc of water was a whole lot more than the 5cc of Lupron we've been injecting...so confused. But it seemed right in the end, and I hope it was. Nothing we can do now.  But Dr. Z did warn us that people sometimes use 10cc of water and it totally dillutes the HCG and messes everything up- so that's probably why we were so paranoid.

My ovaries are still rocking it out.  Around 16 or so follicles measured today.  Around 20mm each.  More on the right than the left.  All looking good!

We have no shot tomorrow. None. Weird.  I'm also out of dexamethazone...hopefully that's ok.  Don't know if I dropped a pill or something- hopefully the cat didn't get it.  That's not funny.  We have to be at the office at 7:30am on Thursday for our retrieval. No food or drink after midnight Wednesday. No perfumes, lotions, anything with odor...no jewelry or valuables (leave the diamonds at home, check). B will be with me for the prep and then when they take me in to the procedure room, he gets to go do his thing and then wait for me.  Please enjoy the black leather chair, B! And don't forget to give me details when I wake up!!!

I talked to the doctor this morning about the one big concern I've had over the past couple of days (beside the fluid).  I mentioned yesterday that my stomach feels like it's going to rip open and monsters may climb out.  That's not all jokes.  Ok, maybe not monsters and all.  But I have had stage 4 endometriosis for years.  And my endo is aggressive, and particularly fond of forming adhesions.  Two laparoscopies later and I'm completely covered in scar tissue and adhesions- from my bladder, to my ureters, to my kidneys...to my diaphram.  They're all over.  My tubes are covered in adhesions, sticking them to anything and everything they're not supposed to be sticking to (hence infertility issues...) and the scar tissue has damaged a lot of the normal tissue in there (especially on my tubes).  Well, with the stimming, I've gotten a lot more of that old endo pain.  I thought maybe it was the drugs, causing my endo to rear it's ugly head.  But Dr. Z pointed out that these drugs wouldn't really make the endo worse.  What he said was frightening- and I've thought about it before, just didn't want to really go there. 

So my stomach is full of scar tissue, connecting organs to eachother, and to my pelvic sidewall, etc.  These drugs have made my ovaries about 4 times their normal size.  Hence, there has had to be some movement in my abdomen. Scar tissue plus movement, equals pain.  I've had some serious sharp pain- adhesions ripping.  I can feel every gas bubble, every bladder twinge- mainly because there's less room in there.  Trigger the shuttering scary thought...my ovaries are only 4 times their size.  What will a baby do? 

Pregnancy often times reduces endometriosis pain because of the amount of hormones produced that decrease the endo.  However, scar tissue and adhesions don't go away unless they are removed (and often times, "removing" adhesions is what creates a lot of scar tissue...).  So when my uterus starts growing, I'm going to be in a lot of pain- so says Dr. Z. 

This is a scary thought.  Not a thought that would come even close to make me question pregnancy- I want nothing more than to carry our child. But I'm scared, too.  The pain wakes me up at night now.  It's excruciating when I have anything in my bladder.  Any tiny little gas pain is multiplied exponentially right now.  I'm scared for what it will be like.  ...  Guilt ensues...  I want so badly to be pregnant, and here I am saying I'm scared of it.  But I have to be honest, this pain is life altering.  It affects everything I do.  It hinders every movement. It's constantly on my mind.  What will I be like? It wakes me up at night.  How will I sleep when I'm pregnant? 

Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I know one day we'll be pregnant, hopefully one day very, very soon.  But we're not there yet.  And I know that we'll get through anything.  I can get through anything.  It's just pain, right? Pain won't kill me.  I just wish this wasn't here.  I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't have to list off thirteen things when the nurse asks me for my medical history for our retrieval.  I wish she didn't have to ask for documentation...

But I wish more than anything to know what it's like to carry our baby, to feel that miracle, and to share that with my husband.  It rips me apart. This may not be the road that a little girl dreams of, but it's our road.  It's our journey.  I'll cry about it often, but I know one day it will take us exactly where we're supposed to be.  Maybe with some hurdles, bumps, bruises and pain...but only as much as we can handle.  Lord, let it only be as much as we can handle.

My Pants Don't Fit!

Seriously, I tried on three pairs of pants this morning to go to the appointment and then work...and not one of them fit.  I'm sitting here in the last pair I tried on, which are super high wasted so they don't hit the ovary area of my midsection...and they're still really tight. I'm not going to lie to you (even though I really, really want to), I haven't exactly been eating like I care. I mean, I had a egg sandwich for breakfast, and washed it down with a double chocolate chip cranberry nut cookie.  A big one.  And then I had a salad and soup for lunch, and washed it down with 6 mini oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.  I thoroughly plan on having some super healthy fish or turkey for dinner, topped with caramel chocolate sauce and breaded with...cookies.

Ok, for the real stuff.  Our third monitoring appointment was the first one with no bad news!!!!!!!! Yes, you heard that right- the fluid has evacuated! ***Too Much Info Alert**** (My brother may want to skip to the next paragraph...) It actually came out last night.  It didn't reabsorb like nice lady fluid, all discreet and elegant like. No, no. It straight came out.  Now, I've committed to honesty on this blog because I think it may help other women out there who are going through or who will go through IVF to know the truth.  So here goes... it was a dark brown discharge, like at the very end of a period.  I have no idea if that's what it was, some sort of super sticky lingering uterine lining...or what.  But that's what it looked like.  Ok, I'm sorry. Gross. Oh- and Dr. Z (who is not the Dr. Z from the Bay Area...but they sound similar) said that my uterine lining looks perfect right now, three layers or three stripes or something.  And then this afternoon, more "fluid" came out. So hopefully that's still ok. It wasn't a lot today, much more last night. Yikes. Oh man, I had to tell B last night when I discovered this "fluid". I mean this damn fluid has been taking over our lives for the past three days.  So I come out of the bathroom, said something like "hmm...interesting", sparked his interest, made him beg to know what I was talking about because I'm sneaky and super weird, and then told him that I sort, kinda, sorta just bled. Sorta. He got the most horrific confused look on his face.  So I told him that it wasn't really like a bleed. No, it was more like...well...dark.  More confused face by B.  So then I said that I thought the uterine fluid came out.  Happier look by B! Then he got quiet, looked a little perplexed, and asked how that was possible.  I believe the words "so it just fell out...of your uterus...how is that possible?" came out of his mouth.  I love that man! Don't get me wrong, I didn't think this evil fluid would come out like that either- I was thinking reabsorb.  That was my mantra. Reabsorb, reabsorb, reabsorb.  But, alas, that's the quicker way!

Alright- so my uterus is back on board. I still have those scary feelings about the studies that have shown that fluid at any point is bad for transfer.  We talked a lot about this. B and I. Dr. Z and us (well, as long as he would allow).  And decided that if the follicles continue to do what they are doing, we'll go ahead with transfer.  Dr. Z feels strongly that the fluid only matters if it's there at transfer. He's the expert. The internet is the devil. So that's how we're going to work it out, this time at least. 

Follicles= yippee! Beside the fact that my pants don't fit, my stomach feels like it's going to rip open and monsters will climb out, and that all too familiar endometriosis on my ureters/kidneys feeling is back...I'm super happy about my follicles!  We had even more measured today than yesterday, somewhere around the 16-20 mark, the doctor stopped counting.  They were pretty much all about 18-20mm as well.  OHSS you might ask? I honestly don't know. I'll let you know if I get any crazy symptoms.  I'm drinking a TON of water. But it's very nice to have the ovaries cooperating...I've had so many ruptured ovarian cysts in my life, I thought for sure these little ladies had quit their job completely.  And with only a half on the left side, it was so good to see that I had close to as many over there.  (Dr. Z pointed out the right is definitely better, but the left is playing along, too). 

At this point, we're hoping that my uterine lining stays nice and tripled, my ovaries don't turn out to be full of cysts instead of follicles, and that I find some pants that fit for the next little while.

Dr. Z thinks probably one more day of stims before we trigger. No changes to our meds at all during this. He's thinking trigger tomorrow night. That means retrieval Thursday morning! HOLY CRAP! I love that.  I finally have some color back in my face- the idea of retrieving without a transfer at all was not my favorite.  Let's hope this sticks...in so many ways!

Quick Update- Monitoring Appointment #2

Yep, there's still fluid in my uterus.  And it hasn't decreased at all- same amount.  We brought up the research about the fluid and asked whether he had seen any success with women having fluid in their uterus and having a successful transfer.  He said that if the fluid is gone before the transfer, he would still consider doing it. I'm hesitant.  He noted that there's no way he would do a transfer in a less than optimal environment, so I needn't worry.  I'm still worried. 

We had 16 follies measured today.  9 on the right, 7 on the left I believe.  I don't have exact measurements, but Dr. Z said we're right on track for where he wants us.  I saw several around 11mm, a couple around 9mm, and some around 18mm...ish. 

I asked about OHSS and Dr. Z seemed slightly irritated. He said of course what we are doing is hyper-stimulating the ovaries.  It's not something to worry about.  ...ok.  So, I guess I'll leave that alone until I start seeing 5lb daily weight gain or something.  Anyone else have experience with the symptoms, just so I can be on the lookout?  I definitely am uncomfortable, but I think that's normal.  Any bumps or sudden movements really hurt my lower abdomen.  I feel super bloated of course.  No extreme weight gain to speak of, about 3 pounds since we started.  I'm definitely trying to drink a lot of water...and I'll stock up on gatorade. Any other help since my doctor doesn't seem to enjoy the hypochondriac talk...?

We're heading to my parents' for dinner.  Mexican food! I've been super sluggish all day, really tired.  We go back in tomorrow morning for another monitoring appointment.  We got the paper today describing some of the retrieval day info.  We'll be going ahead with the retrieval no matter what at this point, it's just whether or not this will be a cycle that can end up with a baby.  I hope we can have hope, but I want to be smart.

A good night after a rough week

My husband took me on a date last night.  I got all dressed up; I wore a dress that I bought right before we went to Napa that I LOVE! It was on sale...we spent our Macy's gift cards from the wedding on it and many, many more beautiful things for me (and B) to wear!

We went to a steakhouse and I had some delicious prime rib, which I've been trying to stay away from (all red meat, especially undercooked) since we started the cycle.  But I had to. It looked soooo good~! And it was, oh it was.  I didn't have any wine with my meal, which is totally out of character and totally "we're trying to make a baby", so that's good. But we did have this glorious appetizer with lobster balls covered in garlic butter and served under a layer of baked cheese.  What? What was that again? Yes, I said lobster balls covered in garlic butter served under a layer of baked cheese.  I know, it's unbelievable. I may have wiped the bowl clean with two different forks and four pieces of bread...

Then, it was ice cream time. Cake batter ice cream with reese's and oreo's topped with caramel was right up my alley.  We sat outside (hot! perfect for ice cream melting on and around my dress) right by this awesome water fountain by the movie theatre.  Little kids were running through the fountain, kicking water at eachother, sitting on the water rockets, leap frogging over eachother and everything, all to some live music.  Not bad, huh? Right now my mind is wandering to that "I wish we had a baby/future baby that could play in the fountain....". We talked about my niece and nephew and whether they would like it. They seem a little shy when it comes to stuff like that right now, with strangers...but sometimes my niece will chase any other "kid" down to get to know him.  So maybe she'd love it.  I think in either case, we need to try it out because I want to live vicariously!

So we went to the movie theatre after our ice cream was finished and my dress was sufficiently sticky.  Please, please go see Inception.  It was glorious. I haven't really been able to take Leo seriously since Titanic, but he redeemed himself for me last night.  I have a piece of respect for him, and for whoever it was who thought of that storyline! Genius! I want to sit around and think up shit like that...you'll see when you go to the movie. You'll also have jealous feelings of being that smart.

Tomorrow is our next appointment.  We have all of today, again, to sit and wait.  I'm trying not to play the what-if game, but for some reason it just better prepares me.  I hated that I wasn't expecting what the doctor found, or that I hadn't even thought of it is an option.  If I had even an inkling that this could happen and possibly wreck everything, I think I'd be in a better place right now. I'm actually mad at myself on top of all of this for not being better prepared. I got super hopeful, a little too optomistic for my liking. It felt hella good, don't get me wrong. But it wrecked me more than I want. I need even-keeled. I need to stay level through all of this, the roller coaster and swinging from super excited to super nervous to super worried to wanting to use my husband's new chainsaw on any doctor I can find...not healthy.

I plan to go in to tomorrow with a little more info, and a LOT more demands. I'm not letting Dr. Z rush me, oh no.  And yes, I know this is a Sunday morning appointment- the conveyer belt of infertile women trying to see their follicles will be astounding.  But I'm going to be the bottle neck, ladies. I plan to have a pad of paper with pre-determined questions.  I plan to ask for sizes and shapes and colors of every last follicle in my ovaries. I plan to ask about my tubes, my uterus, my new fancy fluid. I want amounts here, not just "fluid".  We're talking measurements, maybe in teaspoons...that would help me. 

My biggest question:  If the fluid goes away like Dr. Z is hoping it will, what does that mean for the viability of this possible transfer?  Check out this study done on fluid in the uterus during IVF:  http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/17/2/351#T1

From study- (***Note, study completed 10 years ago) "None of the women with persistent uterine fluid accumulation up to the day of embryo transfer conceived. For cycles with transient uterine fluid accumulation, two intrauterine pregnancies (10%) with one aborted and one ectopic pregnancy were noted. Overall, there was only one successful pregnancy (2.8%) in 35 cycles of women with uterine fluid detected during IVF–embryo transfer cycles. In contrast, the pregnancy rate was 27.1% (193/711) and the abortion rate was 16.6% (32/193) among cycles with no fluid accumulation"

Basically, fluid in the uterus during any point of the IVF cycle decreases the likelihood of a successful cycle significantly.  Significantly. 

So would it be smart to really hope for the fluid to go away so we can do a transfer of some possibly good quality embryos and just end up with heartache and wasted embryos? Or would it be smarter to just know that there was fluid, it was the devil, it ruined everything- so we'll move to FET?  Now, for our clinic, with a fresh IVF cycle, they have a 63% success rate of viable pregnancy (heartbeat and continuing) for my age group.  With a frozen cycle, that number is not available, but there is a 51% success rate of clinical pregnancy (ultrasound shows gestational sac). That number is 67% for my age group with a fresh cycle.  Our clinic has great success rates, and still pretty good with frozen transfers- I've heard places where it's cut in half.  Sometimes around 25%. 

So that'll be my big question, what's really smart here? Irrational hope? Or logical hesitation? I do love irrational hope in the moment, but like I said...not so good down the road for a girl like me.

Another question will be about OHSS.  I'm doing that "prepared" thing and I'm worried for some reason that this could happen to me (because this kind of shit happens to me, sorry ma and grandma for the language).  I want to know what it's like, what we would do, everything. I guess it becomes more of an issue after the trigger shot.  I want to be prepared just in case. No more surprises.

What other questions should I have ready???

A Little Help?

I'm not really sure what to write tonight.  We had our first monitoring appointment this morning.  I was nervous, too nervous, that my ovaries weren't responding to the medication.  Wrong.  That my ovaries were over-responding to the medication.  Wrong.  That my ovaries had up and walked out and we wouldn't be able to find them...wrong.  No, something else.

There was fluid in my uterus.  Not just a little.  There was a substantial amount of fluid in my uterus.  I don't know how much, but it was a big dark blob on the screen, where it was supposed to be grey, I know that. Dr. Z immediately said he was concerned.  We need to monitor it.  He then went on to say that if it doesn't go away, we'll have to cancel the transfer. No baby.

He isn't ready to throw in the towel yet.  He wants to monitor.  He also said that we could go ahead with retrieval, harvest the eggs, and freeze for a future FET.  But maybe no transfer.

Oh, the eggs. Yes, I have some.  "A lot" is what they told me.  I was frustrated, scared...why? I went back to the nurse after Dr. Z had me get dressed to take my blood so I could ask how many follicles I had.  I've seen other blogs where number and sizes of the follies are explained.  I asked if the doctor said 12 and 6...I heard something about 12 and 6... she said she "couldn't remember".  It was about 2 and a half minutes earlier.

I started tearing up in the hallway as I waited with B to get my blood drawn.  I am the "expect the worst" girl.  I should have been prepared.  But I never even thought my uterus would come into play.  That was my one saving grace.  My one fall-back.  My uterus is the only thing I have that functions properly most of the time (not the actual lining- no, that grows on anything and everything in my abdominal cavity that it's NOT supposed to grow on...but inside my uterus, it's a happy place I thought...)

B was good.  He consoled me and told me not to worry. There was good news, he tried to remind me.  My ovaries work! I have approximately 18 follies right now if I heard correctly and if the doctor even cared.  It was a good effort on B's part, but I was lost at "cancelled transfer".

I lost it in the car on the way to work.  I had to suck it up and go in there.  But I had a five minute drive to let it go.  And I did.  I couldn't get a hold of anyone on the phone, so instead I listened to the country music station and lost it completely.  B was driving in front of me, I was sure he could see my ridiculousness. 

He walked into work with me.  He told me to write down all the good things, the positive things.  He said he loved me. 

He called me a few hours later and told me he was nervous. He started researching and it doesn't look good.  A lot of women get this fluid in the uterus due to tubal complications.  A lot of those women end up needing to remove their tubes.  A lot of failed IVF cycles, cancelled cycles...and miscarriages...linked to fluid in the uterus.  "Toxic" splashed the web pages.  B sounded concerned.  I was so grateful.  I'm not alone. We're in this together, he's right by my side.  He's scared with me.  He's hoping with me, but he's scared with me too.  The amount of care he has for us, for me, for our family- it's ...  perfect. He's my hero.

There's nothing I can do about this right now.  I'm still taking the drugs.  We got an email from the docs office tonight to keep with our same medications- my blood work looks good.  I mean, my blood is even playing along? All of the stars are aligning...except for the place where our baby is supposed to be safest. "Home"

Nothing I can do tonight.  We go in again Sunday morning for our second monitor. Dr. Z wants to see if it's still there.  Maybe it will be gone- but will it be ok if it is? What if it's not?

I'm going to keep thinking of baby names. Hope.  That's a good one.

Keep on Trucking

We had another bleeder today. Yikes, why do these shots hurt so much? I mean, I've gotten more shots, injections, and IV's in my life than anyone I know...but holy bejeebus, these are no fun.  Maybe it's the fact that they're in my belly.  Maybe it's the amount of medicine.  In any case, I'm just trying to keep on trucking over here.

Tomorrow morning is our first monitoring appointment.  I'm nervous that they'll tell me my body isn't responding the right way.  I'm nervous that I'm over-responding and will end up with OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) and won't be able to move forward with this cycle. I'm excited, but those nerves are so...ugh.

Gonna go hit the gym again for thirty glorious minutes of ... walking.  My arms are still sore from our weight workout a couple days ago.  I'll try for a little more of that. And then I'm making whole wheat turkey spaghetti tonight! YUM!

ps- thanks mom for the manicure tonight! It was good to see you, but not long enough!!!

Stimming Day 3

Three days down, and we're getting better at the shots. I'm not feeling horrible right now, either.  So that's good. A little fatter than normal, maybe bloated? I hate that word.

I had to leave a work dinner tonight about 7 minutes after the food was placed on the table because of our shot schedule.  My previous boss knows about everything that's going down, and one of my coworkers who was there.  But my boss's boss, who was holding the dinner, doesn't know (and doesn't need to know) so that's for sure an awkward moment.  I mentioned to him earlier that I would need to leave a little before 6:30- I was so glad he didn't ask why.  But when I got to the dinner and mentioned to another coworker that I'd be heading out early, he of course asked.  I can't believe I hadn't thought of a good excuse.  I panicked, paused probably significantly too long, looked at him and said "I have medication I need to take." 

What?

Medication? I need to take?  At 6:30 on the dot? Absolutely normal.

He left me alone. I looked like a sitting duck.

So I'm staring at my watch every 30-45 seconds as everyone is laughing and chatting...and waiting for the food that taunted me for 45 minutes.  They actually brought the food out right at 6:30, our shot time.  What am I supposed to do? Leave after ordering without getting my food? Ask them to box it up as soon as they bring it to the table? AWKWARD!  So, naturally, I ate like I was competing for a prize.  My coworkers are nibbling, chatting about life and events and the phenomenal guacamole...and I don't even pause to look up from my soft tacos.  When I stuffed the last bite in my mouth I finally surveyed my surroundings.  The curious guy from before got the same dish as me.  He had eaten half of his first taco. Mine were demolished. I think I still had food in my mouth when I "calmly" mentioned that I had to excuse myself, "I'm already a bit late, although I hate to eat and run..." I mean, you should have seen the looks. There's a pretty good chance that I had some soft taco hanging out of my blouse, possibly a slice of avocado in my hair. Everyone was totally polite and all, but good lord I felt uncomfortable. 

I sprinted home after calling my husband in the parking lot to get "the pharmacy" ready for when I got home. By the time I was alcohol swabbed it was 7:00 on the dot, B went for it...it stung...but it was ok.  He threw the needle in our sharps box, handed me the heating pad and said "hi hon, how are you?".  Wow.  IVF is quite the scenario.

I'm planning to get a manicure after work tomorrow with my mom- luckily she knows what's going on so that when I have to run out the door at 6:27 she won't freak out.  Hopefully she's cool with picking up the tip, my nails won't be dry enough to reach in my purse... ;)

ow.

I have the most horrific looking bruise on my belly from the first gnarley follistim/menopur/lupron injection.  I mean, goodness.  That's a lot of drugs in one syringe. It's nice to not have 47 different injections, but yikes. I almost slugged B in the mouth when he started pushing the meds in. Of course, I would have needed to blame that type of reaction on the medication... or there's a chance B wouldn't be sticking this thing out with me.

Awesome story from our very first stim injection:  B got pretty confident with those little Lupron injections.  Just pull out a bit of Lupron, find a good spot, stick and walk away.  This new process is a little more involved. It took us 30 minutes to get everything ready for the "stick" part, and I'm sure B was looking forward to the walk away part.  He comes at me with the mildly bigger and more intimidating needle and I eye him like his life could end any minute. I proceed to watch every move as he begins the injection, and then BAM! This is definitely no Lupron injection. He pushed the needle in harder than I would have ever preferred and a little tear formed in my eye... I'm squirming now, and saying things like "wait, no. ow. stop!! wait, don't stop, hurry up. no!!! too fast. I hate you. Slow down. Is it over? wtf?!?!?!" all while pushing way too hard at his arm to get him away from me while he's pushing back to try and finish this God awful process.
"Go slower"
"I'm going as slow as I can without just leaving this needle in you!"
Lovely. So he finally gets all of this massive amount of medication into my stomach fat and pulls the needle out, which for some reason decided to attach to my body and become one with my belly skin. So he tugs a little and I'm watchig my skin pull up with the needle. WTF!? The needle finally releases my skin with a flick and I start bleeding a little too much for B or my liking.  So B grabs the first thing he sees to wipe my stomach off and comes at me...with the ALCOHOL SWAB! I start flailing and screaming at him that he's lost his mind. He stops short, looks at me, looks at the gaping wound on my stomach (tiny hole with a big blood bubble), looks at the alcohol swab, back at me, and say "oh, yeah. good call. no alcohol".  Tear rolls down my face.

Tonight's went better. There was still a significant amount of squirming and obsenity usage.  And there was sufficient guilt on B's side.  I tried to ice the area before which helped a little. And B was careful not to push the needle in so far. He's very strong. He has to be concious of the difference between my belly fat and, say, a 2x4. He's getting there.

First noticed side-effects- holy ovarian pain batman.  So, if you're me- don't be all that excited about starting stims. Because it means that you can feel your ovaries again.  Like, really feel them.  I want to dig them out with forks, because they feel like foreign objects plotting to take over my abdomen.  I used to feel my ovaries when I wasn't on birth control.  Or when I had mad crazy cysts.  But it's been a while. I woke up this morning after our first shot last night and definitely felt that familiar sharp pain in my right lower quadrant.  And a little in the left, too.  But nothing too horrible, just a familiar yuck.

I lost two pounds over night last night.  My body is a bizarre cluster#$@* I've decided.  It does exactly the opposite of what I expect or plan. Really, my body and I have been fighting one another for some time.  One day I will beat it into submission, I swear...or B will inject it into submission.

No more running for me, now.  We went to the gym and I walked on the treadmill tonight for 30 minutes at a 3.3 speed and a 4 incline. Sad. I was yawning.  I got my heart rate up to 110.  Ugh, waste.  But then we did some upper body lifting so hopefully if I keep building muscle I can stay mildly in shape.  As long as I'm healthy enough for a pregnancy, I'm happy!

Tomorrow, tomorrow!

I can't believe we start stimulation TOMORROW!!! This is so exciting to me.  It's really really real :) The Lupron is this awkward part of IVF where you're actually going the opposite direction when you think about it, so to start ovary stimulation is just so "trying to make a baby". I love it!

We also both start the Z-pack tomorrow.  And we decrease the Lupron to 5 units rather than 10.  We start mixing our own meds- Follistim and Menopur with the Lupron, all in one syringe.  It's a little tricky, hopefully we don't mess up.  And I start the pre-natal that they perscribed to me. Then on Thursday we go in for our first post-stim ultrasound and keep being monitored every day or two until retrieval. This is really it.  Keep us in your prayers!

My dad's best friend and his wife are in town this weekend.  He's like a second father to me. He never had any girls, just two boys.  So he calls me the daughter he never had.  They're coming up to our house to check it out and hang, then we're all getting together for a wine party tonight.  Of course, I'm the designated driver, which I love right now.  Having this exciting reason to not drink is so ok with me.  I mean, I would love to be able to drink too...but absolutely love this much more.

I'm off to clean house and hit the grocery store. I'm bringing the meat and cheese platter for the party tonight. Aside from my husband.

Oh tomorrow! Can't wait!

Bruised and Battered

A flare for the dramatic? Yes, yes that's me.  But I do have a little baby bruise on my tummy where the Lupron bit me.

I'm trucking right along over here.  AF started the day after I stopped my bcp. I don't think it was supposed to start up that fast, I mean, it was barely over 24 hours...but I had that breakthrough bleeding for so long, it was just waiting for me to miss a pill. Still going strong, too.  And I do have some cramps, but not horrible.

We start stimulation this Sunday!!! That's so crazy.  No more working out (ok, I haven't been to the gym since last Friday, woops).  I also have to really start watching what I'm doing and eating and stressing about. I have my first monitoring appointment on Thursday the 15th.  We have a tentative plan for retrieval around the 22nd, which is not good with my work schedule but oh well.  And that means the 5 day transfer would be on the 27th with bed rest through the 28th.  This is actually worse for my work schedule but double oh well.

I've had a couple more fits of rage and sadness, but nothing like Tuesday morning. Yikes. I think now that I've realized what's going on I can manage it a little better. Does anyone else get these mood swings with this low of a dose of Lupron?  The doctor said it wouldn't be like when I was on it for endo (monthly injections), but it feels pretty similar.  The headaches are a fun reminder as well.  Not too many hot flashes, though!

Oh man, B and I made marinated flank steak last night! Terriyaki, honey, pineapple juice marinade! oh yum. We served it with grilled pineapple slices and corn.  Probably not the healthiest of meals, but oh so good! And guess what, I lost two pounds. Ha- see what coming off of bcp will do?

I've been allowing myself to think more and more about actually being pregnant and actually having a baby.  I was so worried about even thinking that far ahead.  Now it's almost here...if all goes well.  I'm still super worried about getting my hopes up. But I'm a perpetual pessimist in so many ways.  Definitely expect the worst but hope for the best is the way to go in my eyes.  So having a little excitement and positivity is a good thing for me...just not too much...

Hello Lupron...I had almost forgotten about you

You know how I said this is the happy Lupron that I'm on now rather than the sad, evil, monster Lupron that I took for endometriosis? That was wrong. And it was so evil Lupron like of it to trick me like that for four days.
Hello mood swings. I don't think I've ever been as sad as I was this morning when I got to work. Ok, maybe I have- but chemically induced sadness feels so much worse. And I denied it for so long...that made it way worse. Don't do that. I'm like "wow, I'm illogically sad right now. I can't figure out why I'm so sad. I mean, there's some stuff that could make me sad, but I'm a psychopath for being this sad. I probably should talk to someone about this. There's a reasonable chance that I need help..." And then I'm like "I want to crawl into a dark, dark space and fit my head into a tiny hole that sucks any small bit of happiness right out of my miserable body." And then "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? I HATE MY JOB OR MY CAT OR MY HUSBAND OR ANYTHING THAT IS IN FRONT OF ME AT THIS MOMENT!" ... Enter husband. Angry smiles when he tries to make me laugh. Pouty face. Half smile. Pouty face again. Then husband's remarkably cautious and fearful attempt: "Um, maybe it's the Lupron that's making you feel...uh...this way. Or... maybe not... maybe it's me..." Pouty face. Pause. Ponder. Immediate spiral of guilt and shame.


I also itch all over.

Last BCP!!!

I took my last BCP yesterday! Yes, that means no little pill today. First, I am so glad to see that awful bcp go, purely from the horrendous symptoms this particular brand has given me. Good riddance! Second, I'm am about to start the cycle that will hopefully bring us to a pregnancy! Just prepping, prepping, prepping!

It's really very confusing to me.  My ovaries have been suppressed for so long because I've been on continuous birth control for almost 10 years. Of course, "continuous" is relative. I've had break through bleeding probably 70% of that time, sometimes meaning I would need to stop for a week or so. I've also stopped bcp for a couple months here and there (only to find that this is the last thing my body can handle, thus...IVF).  But now I'm stopping the pill, but taking Lupron to suppress even more...but then starting stimulation 7 days later.  So that's good! I can't wait for that part, some serious progress.

The Lupron injections have been going well.  B's doing awesome. Does anyone else heat the area right after the injection?

I'm still exercising right now- doc said I have to stop when stim starts.  So I've got another week to feel like I'm productive...then it's pampering for me! :)  Ok, B's already been pampering me...I'm spoiled! He's the best.

We did our first injection away from home last night. We were at our nephew's two year birthday party. He's a rockstar! And he's in love with B! Probably the cutest thing I've ever seen watching B teach him how to swing a bat at his new t-ball. I can't wait to see that with our own little one.  Anyway, so we put the Lupron and needle in my glasses case and hid it in the back room until 6:30.  My mom really wanted to see how this whole thing went down so she came back with B and I for the injection. It's really no big deal right now, but wait until the pharmaceutical mixing begins on the 11th. Watch out!

Hope everyone had a good 4th of July yesterday!

One Down...

Our first Lupron injection went fine last night.  Didn't hurt at all, kind of tickled and itched a little actually.  It looked like a tiny little bee sting afterwards, sorta red with a little white dot.  Hopefully that means we did it right.  B did the injection, he's going to do all of them.  It'll give him a chance to be involved the whole way through. 

The doctor's appointment was crazy.  My ultrasound looked good, the uterine lining is pretty thin because I've had so much breakthrough bleeding this month (I hate this new bcp I'm on...I want the old one back, but they of course discontinued the ONLY bcp that has ever worked properly for me).  But that's apparently fine, I'm going to probably bleed next week anyway.  But the injection training was like a crash course/test.  The nurse would show us how to do the whole process (attaching the needle to the syringe, filling with air, collecting meds, injecting...or the mixing of several meds which we start in a week and a half) and then hand it over for us to try.  It was terrifying! "Ok, so first it's the needle attaching, then collecting meds...NO WAIT, fill with air, or wait...can I inject now???"  I felt like I was under a microscope.  "This is your first test of motherhood.  Can't fill the syringe properly? You're probably going to be a horrible mother.  Actually, you already ARE a horrible mother.  Your future baby NEEDS those medications properly." ...

Alright, maybe a bit dramatic.  The nurse was super nice and she helped us along every time.  I made B try it in front of her each time, too (mainly so I'd have another chance to watch because she was going wicked fast, but don't tell B that...).  (Love you honey!)

We put down a fat check yesterday, too.  There, I'm an awesome mom already.  Throwing cash at the little guy before he's even conceived. Mommy loves you! Now make sure you do what those medications are meant for, ok?

I'm about 7 minutes away from our second Lupron injection.  We're doing them every night at 6:30.  For some reason Dr. Z wants them between 4-7 every evening.  I asked why, didn't get a straight answer. Oh well, I'm game.

I also asked about exercise, because I'm such a super fit rockstar and all.  He said what type of exercise.  So I thought of the most rockstar hardcore stuff I could think ok. "You know, running, lifting weights, the usual."  He actually said that I could do whatever until we start stimulation on the 11th.  That's when my ovaries are going to blow up like beautiful little balloons with lots of little future babies ready for the picking :) Apparently there's a risk of ovary torsion with said process.  So nothing that can make my belly jiggle or move too much.  That means no running or bike riding, or lower body weight lifting.  Even no elliptical.  But a brisk walk is fine (I'm not sure he knows how easily my belly jiggles...yikes).  And upper body lifting is fine, which I was surprised at.  Thought it would be no weight lifting - but that's good, cuz I'm not actually a rockstar like I'd like to pretend.  I'm actually a champion weight gainer, and I'll be quite the fatty if I can't get this ass moving a little.

Ok, only about 4 minutes now til the big Lupron shot bee sting. I should go help B prepare.  Yay! I'll keep updating with any symptoms.  I got super hot last night before bed, but it was 106 degrees outside at like 10pm, so causation could be a bit of a mess in that situation. Waiting patiently for my first headache/mood swing.  Yippee! I know B's super excited too...

Lupron Starts Today

It's 4am. I can't sleep. And I haven't even started the devil drug that keeps you up at night... Ok, I'm hoping it won't be so bad.  I was on it in a very different way when it was awful for me before.  I took it for three months, with only one injection per month.  This is low dose...this is happy Lupron, right?

I can't stop thinking. I want to go to sleep so bad, but I had this crazy dream that one of my co-worker's son came to work and started complaining to me about how he and his wife had been trying for four months and nothing had happened and they were obviously infertile...then I found out that they had gotten pregnant a year ago and had an abortion because they weren't ready.  This dream was wicked unsettling to me. 

But I'm thinking about everything right now. Work. Home. Babies...the usual suspects.  We got a call yesterday from our drapery place.  The color we picked out for the bedroom is unavailable. We had to pick a new color.  Oh, and the AC broke.  Oh, and the sprinkler system broke. Homeownership.

B and I signed all of the consent forms last night for our appointment this morning to learn about the injections and get my ultrasound. Right after I signed them all I had an intense feeling of guilt for not getting a repeat MRI of my pituitary tumor.  The first RE we went to seemed very concerned about this. The second one, Dr. Z- not so much.  So I decided I was good to go. No need to deal with all of that again, get in with the endocrinologist, have the MRI, find out anything else awful like every other time I've been to that doctor.  But now I'm feeling like the first RE may have been right.  What if getting pregnant increases the size of the tumor, what if it messes with everything? There's not really anything I can do about it now, I think.  I'm sure it's fine...

Work is nuts right now. I've got a lot on my plate. Plus, B and I have been taking a lot of time off because we wanted to really enjoy some time together before jumping on the reproducing roller coaster that comes with a special girl like me :)  But for some reason I didn't take into consideration the amount of time I would need to take off for IVF.  The doctor made it seem minimal.  But apparently I need to take a least a full day off for retrieval and a full day off for transfer, if not more.  I'm good with the quick trips to the doc's office for blood work, monitoring, etc.  It's close to my work, so I can sneak away pretty easily. But full days are hitting me hard right now...I should have  planned better.

I need to stop stressing! I'm kind of panicky right now, and that's not good for a cycle either.  Just chill, it'll be alright.  I wish I would have started acupuncture.  Is it too late? Should I start now? Ok, I'm not good at just chilling...