Saturday, October 23, 2010


I'm here. I'm back.  Not to say that I'll be writing every day (or even twice a day) like I was a couple months ago- but I've missed you! 

We're in a holding pattern for baby making right now. I'm on birth control and hoping to get my life (and weight) back in order.  Picking up the pieces has absolutely commenced and I'm feeling better.  Good, even.

Vegas was glorious. Seriously, I don't think I could have asked for anything more. It was perfectly perfect and everything that both the B and I needed. And wanted. ...and deserved maybe??? :) too much?

So now we're home and feeling a little post-vacation depression.  Every time I hear a sound that even remotely reminds me of a slot machine I get sad.  Ha.  But we're feeling much more stable emotionally.  We can talk about IVF finances without wanting to scream at God (that's not good, try not to do that...) or scream at Dr. Z or whatnot.  We can talk about how many more chance we have at this without feeling a total sense of "why me?".  We're getting back to where we were- knowing that this is the path we're on, and that's that, and we've known that for a while suck it up and smile.  Keep battling, cuz there's no point in wallowing forever.

Now there is something I'm still wallowing big fat belly.  I would oh so love to blame this big fat belly on a beautiful little baby (no I'm not even gonna try to go back and figure out how far along I would be right now, I'm not in that place...which is a good thing).  Nope, my big fat belly is all pastas and vinos, and glorious super buffets.  I mean, for the love, we had two all you can eat LOBSTER buffets in Vegas.  God bless.

So now I'm sitting here, 6 pounds heavier than I was AFTER all of the awful IVF hormones, and feeling like I've got nothing to blame but myself. And I hate having nothing to blame but myself. Boo.

I was running still, before our vacay.  I got up to actually running 30 minutes straight.  Yes, STRAIGHT! Without stopping. Like a damn rockstar.  And then we went to Vegas and now I'm sure that my first run back will leave me crawling on the sidewalk like a fool...

Just hope no one stops to offer help. That would feel sad.

My half marathon is in 12 weeks.  I've got to get my ass in gear in 12 weeks.  This time last year I was still on my honeymoon, I was 28 pounds lighter, and I was uber super awesome fit.  But I still didn't run even one time on our honeymoon (cuz who does that??).  So when I got back I sorta had to start from scratch training for the half.  And I did it. In 11 weeks.  Which totally means I can do it this time, right? Right? RIGHT?!

Those extra 28 pounds aren't TOO heavy...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Hello Endo

I went to see Dr. Z yesterday.  It was unplanned, I honestly was considering just not going in again...maybe ever.  Maybe just not until January.  But I woke up yesterday morning and started to feel some sporadic little pains in my lower abdomen.  Then some bigger pain.  Then I got to work, had to rush to a meeting I was running, and started getting some "oh no, holy sh*t, not right now I can't start crying again in front of my co-workers" pain.  I was hunched over in my chair and shaking.

Luckily after about 30 minutes it dissipated to a bad ache and I was able to walk around a little easier.  But it still felt like I'd been kicked several times right in the ovaries...the right ovary to be exact.  So I decided it might not be a bad idea to actually schedule that follow-up appointment.  They said they could get me in that day. So I did it.

Sat down with Dr. Z, reviewed the fact that there was "villi" in the tissue removed from my uterus (it was a pregnancy) and next steps.  They didn't have the genetic testing results back yet, that can take a while and might not even come back with any sort of result. I'm just at the whatevs stage now, I can't really bother myself with caring anymore. Sad.

But Dr. Z felt pretty certain the pain was just endometriosis rearing it's ugly head.  Maybe mid-cycle stretching? Ovulating in a horrific fashion? He wanted me to stay off of BCP until I'd gotten some follow-up liver function tests.  And this is my body's way of saying "did you not learn the last time you were off of birth control, dumbass?"  So he did another liver function test and I'm going to start back on BCP with my next cycle.

He didn't feel the need to do another ultrasound because a) it'll cost me money and b) he has an easy out with the endometriosis diagnosis for any random abdominal pain complaints, so why even bother?  I mean, I guess I would agree. They can't really do anything about it anyway.  And if it was a ruptured cyst or something, it wasn't as bad as it could have been and there's nothing we can do about that either. 

He did another HCG test as well. I'll get all of these results back next week.  He wants to see a negative HCG for at least six weeks before trying IVF again...but I think we're probably gonna take a little longer than that.  Not much longer, but a little longer. 

We discussed some of the other next steps before we try again.  He wants to do another hysteroscopy to check out my uterine cavity now that I've had a D&C, check for any scarring, etc.  We'll do that later, closer to when we're ready to go for round 2.  I also need to go get another MRI for the pituitary tumor to get a baseline size reading. It's been a year and a half since I've checked it, that's not good.

I also haven't had an annual exam in a couple of ridiculous with all of the checking of my lady business that's gone on in the last two years.  And there's still more checking to do.

So B and I went out last night for an awesome dinner and a movie, it was perfection. Lots of vino at dinner, but not before I stopped off for a little happy hour after work with my boss, my ex boss, and some other coworkers.  Needless to say, I woke up hungover this morning.  ...what? I needed a drink!