Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Ok sorry, no need to yell.  I'm just so friggin proud of myself! I actually woke up Monday morning at 5:30am and went for a run!  My first run since June.  And I've never died so hard on a run in my life. It was utterly pathetic, honestly.  But I'm stoked I did it.

I was supposed to have my follow-up appointment with Dr. Z today to a) find out about the D&C lab results and b) test to make sure my liver isn't gonna fall out.  However, I ended up not going yet again because they thought it was perfectly fine to call me the day before my appointment and move it back an hour.  Do they think women who are going through IVF just don't have much else going on? I had a meeting I needed to be at 30 minutes after the new scheduled start time, so it's back to the reschedule for me. Whatevs.

So back to the run... I was planning a good 30 minutes but after about 15 I felt like a chain smoker so I had to stop.  I limped back toward my house feeling rather defeated and spunky all at the same time. I'm wicked sore today, and not really looking forward to getting out there again tomorrow morning. But I've got three weeks before our Vegas anninversary trip, so I'm hoping to drop a little weight before I go putting it all back on with margaritas and buffet dinners.

ps- have I told you all how amazing our wedding was? I looked damn good, too. But anyway, it's a year ago in just a few weeks so I've gotta think of something awesome to get B for our anniversary. I'm racking my brain here...and nothing. But let me just throw this out there so you get a little taste of the (faceless) awesomeness one year ago...

Glorious.  Just glorious.


Saturday, September 25, 2010

B and I

B and I went out to dinner last night at Ruth's Chris...sooo good! It's restaurant week so we decided to take advantage of it.  And I was craving some wine, so what goes better with wine than an extremely overpriced steak???

We were sitting in the middle of the restaurant and I saw a group next to us fawning over this adorable baby. He was so cute, and one of the friends of the parents walked up to try and hold the baby and he turned away and swatted at her.  She laughed it off and tried again and he started crying.  This is my nightmare.  I have this awful fear, which I've written about before, of making another person's baby cry.  It's the reason I don't ask to hold babies or try to play with them.  Deep down I'm always dying to hold them, but good lord when I make them cry it's like the world is ending. I hate it. I really felt for that woman in that moment.

And then out of nowhere I had this feeling.  See, B and I are going to Vegas- this time for real.  We booked the hotel (which we had done last time) and we're super excited.  We're going on our 1 year anniversary and I can't wait.  And in that moment, I felt for the first time that maybe we shouldn't have kids.  ... 

Never in my life have I really contemplated the idea of not having children.  When I was younger it was a given.  I'd have dozens of them.  Then I got older and it was something I just knew I wanted, no matter what.  Maybe a few, maybe a couple, but definitely more than one.  And then the endo diagnosis and the doctors and the surgeries.  Then the other diagnoses and the complications.  And then it was like I knew I'd have to work at this but I would. I'd do whatever it took.  Then I met B and he felt the same way, and he was completely understanding of the situation, he was right beside me, ready to do what we needed to do. 

Last night for the first time I actually thought that maybe we'd be ok just the two of us.  It only lasted a few seconds. I thought about the trips we'd take, the money we'd have, the things we'd do...the flexibility.   It looked pretty nice.  I felt a little wrong, a little guilty.  Selfish.

I decided to tell B.  He seemed kinda shocked but kinda not.  He agreed to a point, talked about all of the trips we'd take, the money we'd save, the things we'd do.  But then he told me that he thought we would have amazing children.  And we'd be amazing parents.  We would raise kids to understand how much potential they have, how good they could be, and how to reach that potential.  He was excited about the idea of that.  And then he told me that he can't stop thinking about the time he was playing with my nephew out back at my brother and sister-in-law's house. He was trying to teach him how to play t-ball...and the kid was like a year old.  He can't stop thinking about that, and he wanted that. 

It really brought me back down to earth, because I want that too.  I want to see my B out back playing with our kids.  I want to teach them how to play, how to love, how to push through the hard times.  I want to hold them...and know that they're mine, ours.  I think we would be happy just the two of us.  But I know that we were meant to be parents, and we will be.  Somehow.  One day.

So I saw this survey on another blog and thought I definitely needed to let you all into our little world- just the two of us.  So here are a few tid-bits...

1. When is your “engagement” anniversary:

April 17, 2009

2. When is your “marriage” anniversary:

October 17, 2009

3. How long have you known your spouse:

2 and a half years (I can't believe it's only be that long...in a good way. I feel like I've known him my whole life...)

4. How long did you date/court before you were engaged:

About a year

5. Where did you meet your spouse for the first time?

Happy Hour! At a bar/restaurant right by our office

6. What is your spouse’s full name:

B :)

7. Do you have any children:

Not yet

8. How many – boys/girls:

...not yet

9. Do you have any house pets:

Yep- our hilarious grey cat

10. Do you own a house or rent:

Own ... bought it just before we got married

11. Do you live in the country or town/city:

city, the suburbs

12. What is one of your favorite activities together:

Hmm...probably exercising of some sort.  Hiking, throwing the frisbee, running... or of course there's the laying out, watching movies, eating, drinking delicious vino

13. Do you have a favorite vacation spot:

San Diego or Vegas... or Mexico~!

14. When did you first kiss?

Happy Hour! haha

15. What church do you attend?

We go to my church that I grew up in from time to time.

16. Is this the church you were married in:

Define church.  We were married outside at a resort.  But my pastor married us.  And pretty much my whole church family was there.

17. What town is your current address at:

P Town

18. Do you work or stay at home:

Work...a lot

19. Where did you go on your honeymoon:

Cancun for a week and then Disneyworld!!! (He proposed at Disneyland) :)

20. What was the funniest gift you gave when dating?

I got him a pullup bar!

21. How long have you been together?

About two and a half years

22. How long did you know each other before you started dating?

Well, our first kiss was on the night that we met. 

23. Who asked who out?

He asked for my phone number and then texted me to say that I was gorgeous and we have a lot in common so we should go out sometime.  I don't believe in text dating, so I called him and made him ask for real... :)

24. How old are each of you?

He is 28 and I'm 27

25. Where do each of you go to school?

We're both done for now.  I went to Stanford and he went to the University of Evansville in Indiana.

26. Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?

Hmm.  Hormones? Can I say that?

27. Did you go to the same school?


28. Are you from the same home town?

Nope. We had very different childhoods. He's from a tiny town and I'm from the big city...suburb style.  Our families were very different.

29. Who is smarter?

Haha, we're both pretty smart.  I think he'd say he's got more common sense though. ;)

30. Who is more sensitive?

Oh man, I really want to say him but c'mon.

31. Where do you eat out most as a couple?

Sweet Tomatoes! LOL- he hates that. 

32. Where is the farthest you two have traveled together as a couple?

Florida, I guess

33. Who has the craziest exes?

I don't know, probably me.

34. Who has the worse temper?

We have very different tempers. We both have our own snappy sides though.

35. Who does the cooking?

Both of us.  But he's better at it I think.

36. Who is more social?

Definitely me.

37. Who is the neat-freak?

Definitely him.

38. Who is more stubborn?

He would say me and I would say him, does that tell you anything?

39. Who hogs the bed?

Refer to question 38

40. Who wakes up earlier?

Me by a long shot, but he's starting to wake up earlier

41. Where was your first date?

A Mexican food restaurant by our office.  It's gone now :(  But don't worry, the place we met and had our first kiss is still right across the street.

42. Who had more boyfriends/girlfriends?

I think we were pretty equal as far as serious relationships go.  He was a little player though... hehe, sorry B. Love you!

43. Do you get flowers often?

Sometimes! :)

44. How do you spend the holidays?

Oy sticky subject.  We split up the first year. Then last year we did a pre-Christmas in Indiana and then Christmas with my family.  This year we are bringing his family out here for Thanksgiving and then we'll do Christmas out here with my family.

45. Who is more jealous?

Oh me for sure. I hate that.

46. How long did it take to get serious?

It was pretty quick as you can see! :) We started talking about marriage within about 3 months.  But in the first few weeks he actually told me he didn't really ever want to get married.  I guess I changed his mind ;)

47. Who eats more?

Well, he does if we're counting calories.  But that's just because he eats these horrific 1000 calorie breakfast "shakes" every morning to up his calories.  He's a big beefy man and likes to eat raw eggs.  Are you getting a picture of my B yet? Is Rocky coming to mind?  Yes, exactly.

48. Who does the laundry

We both do our own laundry, he just does his more often!

49. Who’s better with the computer?

I don't know, I guess him. But we're both pretty savvy.

50. Leave a piece of advice for the other couples.

Learn to love eachother the way the other person needs to be loved, not the way YOU need to be loved.  We all speak our own love languages. You just have to learn to speak your spouse's language!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Shadows and Sunlights

B and I got out of the house last night for a fabulous dinner party.  It was my brother and sister-in-law and two other friends that we met through them.  The two friends cooked a beyond delicious meal and we ate and laughed and played ridiculous games that embarrassed every last one of us in a perfect way. We really needed that. Plus, I had a few glasses of wine!!! Not to say that this was at all allowed or even the best idea, but it's done and there's nothing they can do about it.  Funny how I seem to think my poor health will only hurt "them"... but it makes me feel better dammit.

No actually, I got a call from Dr. Z that my last liver enzyme test came back better. Only two or three times the normal high rather than six.  So it's heading in the right direction and therefore screaming for me to go ahead and F it up.

I'm supposed to be going in for my last ultrasound for a while plus our follow-up with Dr. Z on the lab reports from our D&C on Tuesday. Unfortunately I am scheduled to be conducting interviews at that time and can't really miss it.  So in an effort to reschedule for later that day we ended up being reschedule for the following Tuesday.  Eh, it won't matter how soon we find this out.  Dr. Z's not too worried about anything it seems, so we'll wait.  This will be the first week without a doctor visit for me in...wow, two months maybe?  And a lot of those weeks were two or three visit weeks.  What a mess.

We talked a little about next steps last night at our dinner party.  Our friend kind of squirmed and squinted as she asked what we were planning to do now.  I always feel so bad for making people feel uncomfortable.  I offered a little more insight into the whole story, they only knew bits and pieces.  And then I said we've decided to wait for a little while which of course got the resounding "oh good" from everyone. That's what I've heard almost every single time I say we're going to hold off for a bit and just chill.  No one in their right mind, it seems, would recommend us diving back into ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology...IVF for us) too soon after the ectopic/not ectopic debacle of 2010.  I get it, I mean, I obviously get it, I'm the one deciding to wait.  But there have been a couple of hurtful comments thrown about as well...

There are a couple of women I work with who know our story.  One in particular who knows pretty much everything because a) I needed someone to talk to during the 12 hours I was at work everyday... and b) she and I work very closely and I was always bailing out on her to go to appointments. I felt the need to over-share so she understood.  Well, last week after giving her the run down on our D&C finale she asked what our next steps were.  I said we were gonna wait for a little while before trying again.  She looked at me puzzled.  I thought maybe she would encourage me to get back on the saddle sooner, try again, "you got pregnant, you were so close, do you have to wait???".  Wrong.  She kinda looked at me for a minute and tilted her head to say "You're going to keep trying?" I froze for a second and then smiled to hide my inner WTF and said "yeah, in a little while. We're not ready to give up."  To which she said "Well with all you've been through I would start looking at adopting. I don't think I could go through that again. At least look into it". I think she said something about with how bad it went for me and how awful it was, I really shouldn't go doing it again.

I started to feel sick. She went on to tell me that she would be livid at this doctor and the entire process and wouldn't be able to even consider it again.  I told her that it was a lot but hopefully it wouldn't be like THAT again, and really it was just our first try.  She said that there are so many babies who need adopting.  I mean, what do you say to that?  Yes, I agreed, but we really wanted to try for our own for a while. I wanted to be pregnant one day, if I could.  Then she told me that "it's not all that it's cracked up to be".  That she wouldn't recommend it.

I kind of zoned out at that point.  She ended up staying at my desk for another 30 minutes talking about other things, her kid, her cousin's kids who are living with her parents because her cousin split, our problems at work, whatever.  I was just so numb. I try to be reasonable- honestly, I understand- I never know what to say. I feel like I ALWAYS say the wrong thing, so I understand.  It's an unimaginable process and even harder to imagine how to respond to someone going through it.  But she really dove into my nightmare on that one. She even swam around in it for a bit.

There are always the comments on pregnancy being a lot worse than people making it out to be. I get that.  There are the comments about parenting being incredibly difficult and how lucky we are to just be us right now. I get that, too.  They hurt, but I get it.  But please don't push adoption on people who are struggling through ART.  We obviously have decided to go through IVF on our own terms rather than adopt at this point. Not to say that the future couldn't change that, but if we're going through IVF or IUI treatment, we've made that decision for a reason. We want to try and get pregnant right now. Period.

I just wish some people, fertile people, could feel this for one second.  Not for very long, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  But just for a second, feel what it's like to not know if you'll be able to create a child.  To not know if you will be able to carry a baby to term, give her life- real life.  But let me clarify- it's not to KNOW that you WON'T be able to create a child. It's the not knowing that really hurts.  Maybe we can, maybe we will.  Maybe we won't.  How can I not try if there's a chance? How can I muster the courage to try again? It's a fragile line to walk, and it burns. Pieces of me are dying off everytime I think about it, important pieces that I don't think I'll ever get back.  Pieces that made me smile and laugh big belly laughs back before I knew or even cared about fertility.  Those pieces that other women get to keep forever are slowly fading away for me.  There will always be an empty space where there used to be a bit of innocence in me, a bit of naive optimism.  I just want some of those other fertile women to know what that really means, just for a second.  A tiny moment.

But this is my journey to walk, not theirs.  Everyone has their own line, their own shadows and sunlights.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Don't You Worry About Me

So I like country music.  Yeah, that's right B. I said it. I enjoy country music no matter how much my hubby hates it.  It makes me feel like I could go frolic in a field somewhere and everything else will just melt away because it's me and my field, and my down-home melody...

I was raised on Sting and The Police.  So I love that.  Then I, for some reason, started listening to hip hop and thought I was a little thug princess at the age of 10.  I ended up actually listening to rap here and there, and enjoying it. Then my Junior or Senior year of high school I met a boy who liked country.  He made me listen to Tim McGraw's "My Best Friend" and it was like my world had changed forever (I mean, I was 16...pretty much anything that happened was like my world was changed forever...).  Then of course I found Tim's "Something Like That" and I was hooked.  It didn't hurt that this boy was kind of cute and a couple years older than me, I'll admit that.  Sorry B, but this IS my journal. ;)  That boy faded away, but Tim McGraw lasted.  And he introduced me to some of his friends (hello George, Kenny, Johnny, Keith...). I ended up going to a bunch of country concerts throughout my college years.  And I still love it.  The fact that B cringes anytime it comes on the radio makes me drive alone a little more than I'd prefer, but I have to get my country fix sometime!

So when I heard Carrie Underwood's "Mama's Song" for the first time this week, I was blown away.  I hated it.  I kept listening to it because I was like, this song is hurting my ears. I have to know why.

Then about three hours later I was singing it.

Now I find myself searching all over the internets to hear it again, and again and again.  And the lyrics are beautiful, and I heart the melody. 

And I thought about my mama. Everything she's been through just because she's devoted to being there for me. Her daughter.  She's one of my best friends. I talk to her pretty much everyday and hang on her words like they're going to be that final piece to the puzzle that will fix everything.  I can't stand when she puts me in my place, especially when I really need it.  And I love how she tries to stay strong and keep her voice from shaking sometimes and then breaks down and cries with me others.  My mama is one of those moms who make you realize that having children is the most amazing thing that could ever happen.  I heard somewhere that having kids is like allowing your heart to walk around outside of your body...and my Mom reminds me of that everyday.  Her love reminds me that I'm her heart, and she's watching it navigate this world, hoping and praying that it doesn't shatter to pieces.  I'm so much a part of her, and I always will be. 

So mama, I know it's been a rough few months.  I know you had to let me fly just to watch me nearly drown...but don't you worry about me.  You gave me everything I need to make it through this, and anything else that falls in our path.  You taught me about love and how much that can mean.  And I found my B to hold me up, just like you always prayed...



Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It's Over!

What a weird exclamation point to type. Right? I know, this whole thing is so beyond me.  But I'm doing ok really.  Is that sad? Wrong? Honestly I'm so busy at work right now that I can hardly think about much else. This is One Day avoiding anymore "feelings" about this situation.  I felt so much, for too long.  It was a rollercoaster that wouldn't stop, wouldn't let me off.  As soon as I found my footing I was right back in the thick of it.  And now, now I can finally stop.  And I'm grateful.

I think I should be sad.  But I've put in my mourning.  I gave up this pregnancy twice already.  I can't stand giving it up again, not in my heart. So now I'm just me. It's just B and I again, and we're good. 

I've been thinking a little more about next steps.  I'll allow myself a minute or two to stop and think about it in the midst of my crazy ass job.  Or at the end of the day when I'm feeling that really crazy tired.  Or from time to time when I happen to talk about what's going on in my life with someone.  And really the first thing that comes out of my mouth or pops into my head is that we need some time.  We need to step away from the ultrasound screen.  I'm thinking about running again, about living. 

See, we know that we're not gonna get pregnant on our own. It's a funny little reality that makes life so incredibly difficult in one moment and so freeing in another.  I can't imagine going through the ups and downs of "maybe" or "what if" every single month.  That was never in the cards for us.  It's brought us one horrible ride so far, and I've gotta be honest- I doubt that's the last of our struggles.  But at least we can rest for a while and know that when we stop thinking about baby making, we can really stop thinking about baby making.

I don't know how long it'll be.  I can't imagine too long- I mean, I've had doctors telling me I should start trying since I was 19 years old.  And the fact that I've got low egg quality at 27 doesn't bode well for me.  So we'll take a couple months maybe.  Go away, relax, get fit, get tan...whatever.  No more methotrexate. No more cytotec.  No more ectopic/not ectopic/baby killing questions.  Just us.  Just be.

But of course, you can count on me to bring a little more drama to the scene on a regular basis.  We found out that my liver enzymes spiked to six times the normal range last week so it's back to the doctor for me.  Gotta figure out why I reacted so poorly to the metho, or maybe just that I'm a closet alcoholic.  And we've got another appointment on Tuesday for a final go-round with my favorite ultrasound wand.  At least for a little while.

I think my next post will be a little something about me.  This whole anonymous thing is tricky.  I've got a lot of my friends and family who read along with our journey, and then there are those who really know nothing about us.  I came here from another blog that had our pictures, our lives, all laid out for anyone to see.  When infertility comes into play and treatments start, things get a little sensitive.  But there's a lot here for you to know, and I think it's time I let you in...just a little bit. One Day at a time.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

It continues...

Of course the cytotec didn't work.  About six hours of the big D (I mean, bad, real bad), and pretty much nothing else.  I had sharp stabbing pains in my stomach pretty quickly after taking it (800 mcg), and then some sporadic pains around my uterus, but no full blown cramps like I've known all too well.  Nothing. 

I called the doctor's office at around 6pm on Saturday, about 12 hours after starting the medicine.  I left a message asking if the refill on the prescription was in case it hadn't worked. In case I didn't miscarry right away.  They called back and said unfortunately no.  The refill wouldn't matter, it's "treatment failure".  It either works or it doesn't. A double dose won't help.

So today I've been ok.  Thinking about how it will all be over on Tuesday. Really over.  No waiting and wondering afterward.  I'll take the day off of work and just be.  I'll close this chapter and then B and I will finally get to talk about our life without this waiting game.  We'll make some plans, we'll start to look forward.

My parents came over tonight and brought us dinner. They also brought my favorite homemade soup for Tuesday... and roses.  They sat with us and talked, watched football, smiled. 

I don't feel like Tuesday will be too bad.  They said it feels a lot like after the retrieval, some cramping but nothing too crazy.  I wonder how I'll feel emotionally.  I wonder if I'll cry.  I keep thinking there can't possibly be anymore reason to cry.  And then that fails.

But I'm doing ok today.  I'm ready. As ready as you can be, you know?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

New Reality

This is another one of those posts that will probably make you say WTF is going on.  I know, I feel you. I get it.  This is one gnarley situation that I can't fully explain because honestly I don't fully comprehend it.  But what I do know is that I feel better.  As sick and as wrong as that is.  I feel better in a way that lets me sleep at night and lets me contemplate putting one foot in front of the other...moving forward. 

I wrote a long sappy post. A wordy attempt at a poetic ending to this spiral.  I erased it.

Instead, I'll tell you what I'm living.  (although wordy poetry does tend to float around in my head a little more than I'd like to admit)

Here's a little catch up.  B and I got "pregnant". The reason for the quotation marks is that the first phone call where you reproductive endocrinologist tells you that your IVF worked and you're pregnant is not supposed to begin with "I've got good news and I've got bad news".  Ours did.  HCG was 12. Then 85. Then 115. Not good enough. Our doctor stopped progesterone and estrogen.  He knows what he's doing- he's done this before. IVF is an exact science.  12-85-115 is the equivalent of "No, no, really-no". 

We cry through a chemical pregnancy and wait for the numbers to go down. They go up. They go up. They go way up. We fear an ectopic. We see a "pseudo sac" in my uterus on ultrasound, nothing else.  Just an empty sac. We take methotrexate to ensure any hiding ectopics won't surface in a bad way.  My number goes down. Once. Then goes back up.  We take a second shot because WTF is going on. Then we get our first high resolution ultrasound which shows a gestational sac with a yolk sac and "something else" inside.

We are devastated.

We are more than devastated.  We are angry.  The ultrasound doctor comes in and says that she doesn't really deal with IVF, but with an image like this she'd think this was still viable.  She did not review my history, my labs.  I explain the HCG numbers. She says they don't matter. I explain the metho. She says that matters, and that it's over...

I am inconsolable.

That was one week ago, yesterday.

Yesterday, I met with my doctor in person for the first time after the ultrasound. The one who gave me the baby killing drug. 

I was angry, but defeated.  I was desperately needing to tell him he was wrong. But desperately needing to move on.  I was ready to listen.

Then he told me that he called the head of the imaging center. He asked why a doctor would tell me that HCG doesn't matter. He asked where she came up with that.  The head of the imaging center froze.  He apologized.  And then he explained that the ultrasound doctor was fired the morning of my appointment.  That she had been fired for not properly reviewing patient history before discussing their case, before discussing their options. She was not supposed to have any patient contact that day.  I was the last appointment.  She hasn't been back since.

WTF is going on.

He explained that with IVF, HCG numbers do matter.  It's an exact science. We know exactly when the egg was retrieved, we know when it was transferred.  There isn't wiggle room. He explained that when we did methotrexate, we should have seen a heartbeat if anything was viable.  We did not see a heartbeat, we didn't even see a yolk sac. I would have been six weeks along.

I demanded an ultrasound. I needed one right then and there. I wanted him to see what I saw. I wanted him to understand. I cried.  He held my hand.

As soon as he started the ultrasound he saw it.  He agreed.  It did not look like it did before the metho. It was "bigger".  There was a yolk sac.  He agreed. 

But then he told me that it was already too late before the first metho shot.  No matter what came of it, it was too late.  I asked about stopping the progesterone early.  He said it was already too late then.  This baby was never going to be ours.

I know you may think I'm crazy, you may think I'm wrong and stupid.  But I feel better. It's all so f'd up.  There's nothing right about any of this.  But that's just what it is. And if I try to figure out what's up from down, I'll never move on.

I believe him.  At six weeks, we didn't see what we needed to see.  I agree.  Should he have sent me for a high res ultrasound to avoid the metho? Yes. Should he have checked to make sure? Yes.  Should he have stopped the progesterone? I have no idea. I feel like no, but where does that get me? He has a protocol.  He follows it everytime. He doesn't go changing things on a whim, and I can't blame him for that. I can blame him for not giving us the chance to feel our own loss.  For not allowing me to be pregnant. For forcing me to grieve, right off the bat.  But I can't blame him for following the numbers, no matter how much I want to.

Wow, so there it is.  I hate ...  well, pretty much everything about this.  But it's our life, it's what we're living in. I can't change it, I can't fix it.  I have to keep living it.  And put one foot in front of the other.  At least for now.

I started Cytotec 6 hours ago. Now we wait and hope that I can miscarry on my own.  D & C is scheduled for Tuesday, in case.

I have no idea what's next, where to go, what to do. But I know we're not done.  And I know I don't hate Dr. Z anymore. At least not right now.  And I know that I could have never made it through this without all of you.  Everyone who has read through this shit storm, who has felt for us and felt with us.  Everyone who has commented, called, emailed, and held us.  I felt so alone, and then I wasn't.  Then I was alive again, because of you.  Then I had a way of standing, walking, making it through this when I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to simply breathe. Thank you. Really, thank you.

To the life that I wanted but never got. You were, in my heart, the most real thing that I'd ever felt. You will always be my real, no matter what they say.
I love you.         I'm sorry.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Blown away

I don't know what to think right now.  First, I can't believe the outpouring of love and support. Thank you. You won't ever know how important it has been to me to feel like I'm not alone. I never thought that people could care so much about someone they've never met, or a girl without a name. You're all so much better than I could ever be.  You're making me better.

I called the doctor's office this morning before work and asked for a call from the nurse or the doctor or something.  I got a voicemail about 6 hours later from the doctor saying that we should move to a D & C and that he'd call me back.

Then I got a call from the nurse saying that she'd gotten a chance to show the doctor the ultrasound report and wanted to let me know.  I started to ask her some of my questions and she said I should ask him when he calls back.

About 3 hours later I heard from the doctor again.  I actually got to talk to him this time, and I had written down some questions that B and I came up with.  He started by asking me how I was doing.  I said I'd been better.  He chuckled.

He proceeded to spend the next ten minutes circling around the same answer over and over.  He was very upset with the doctor that saw me at the imaging center for discussing my "case" without doing any research on my history or situation.  He said he'd be calling the head of their center to report it. He said she was wrong. Then he told me that he wasn't convinced this isn't an ectopic still.  What? He said that it seemed very similar to what we had seen on the low res ultrasound, a "pseudo sac".  I told him that's not at all what the doctor told me at the imaging center.  He said that I had the benefit of actually seeing the images- he hasn't seen them.  He has a report that said there was a gestational sac and that he felt as though they weren't "sure" what was in the gestational sac.

I was blown away.

I told him that they were certain there was a yolk sac when I was there - that it was obvious even to me, someone who had never been pregnant before.  He said "oh".

I asked why we stopped progesterone so early, now that we know that something developed.  He said my numbers were too low and slow to increase for anything to actually work.  He "had never seen anything work with numbers that low".  I just kinda froze at this point and didn't really push or ask my other questions. 

He said that he wants to "evacuate" the cavity and see what the HCG numbers do.  If they go down he'll feel comfortable that this was a "missed abortion", if not, then we're still looking at an ectopic.  THEY DIDN'T SEE AN ECTOPIC ANYWHERE.  He feels that it's probably not ectopic, but isn't "convinced". 

I'm still blown away and I have no idea what to think.  I feel like I can't trust any of this.  The ultrasound tech, the radiologist/OB, my RE...none of it.  Who do I believe? What the hell is going on???

Anyone else confused yet? yeah, me too.

He said that it's not viable. No shit.  I've been on methotrexate for two weeks. 

I so want to believe that this was just an "F"d up natural miscarriage that we happened to misdiagnose several times but actually was over before any of the "unnatural" parts started (stopping progesterone, metho). That would be so much easier to take.  But this is insane- does he really still think there's a chance it's ectopic? What the heck is he talking about? I have this deep down feeling that he's covering his ass and it's all just fluff and bullshit.  My life = fluff and bullshit.

Sorry again Dad, but you've gotta admit it's kinda bullshit. 

I wish I could fully explain what's going on. I wish I could just chalk this up to bad luck and move forward.  I wish that it was two months ago and B and I decided that maybe we should wait another month before IVF...

I'm scheduled for a D & C next Tuesday morning.  He's hoping my body will miscarry naturally.  If not by next Tuesday- he wants to go in before I develop an infection. 

Blown away.  Just kinda floating through this right now- I have no idea who or what to believe.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I know that.


Monday, September 6, 2010

thank you

I keep sitting down to write something.  I sit down, I stare at my computer.  My eyes well up, I try frantically to push the tears back because I can't stand even one more. My eyes burn and sting, they're so swollen they could pop.  I try to think of something else, anything else, and then I leave this room that for some reason hurts more than any of the other rooms right now. When I'm here, I can't escape it.  B finds me in here staring at the wall. He hugs me and asks what's wrong.  I tell him nothing, because how do you explain that for the 3000th time you're thinking that you let them kill his baby?

I decided that this morning I needed to write.  First for myself, to allow myself this much needed outlet, this thing that has pushed me through a tragedy or two before.  Never something like this, but things that stung in their own way. But second, I needed to write for those people, the ones who took the courage to say that they're sorry for us- that they wish it was different, better.  For the people who have tried to hug us, to hold us, to tell us that they're there. What unimaginable courage it takes to offer another human being support. 

I'm weak.  I fear that I'll say the wrong thing at every turn.  Maybe it's because I've had the wrong thing said to me from time to time. That's why I understand those who can't comment, who can't say anything. I get that. And as I read through the comments from my last blog, each and every one of them touch me in a profound way.  Everyone said exactly the right thing, something that gave me a little more strength. And as I talk to my parents, my family- I know how hard it is to know what to say.  And yet they do, they muster up the courage to say what they're not sure will be the right thing.  And it feels so warm.  I could sit here for days, months; alone in my thoughts.  Feeling desperate and confused.  I would drown in them.  I would suffocate in my own anger.  But letting you all in, letting your words give me air was the best decision I could have made.  And I want to say thank you.

I haven't heard from the doctor yet. I was hoping he would give us a call on Friday afternoon or evening when he got the report.  And then I secretly hoped he'd be man enough to call over the weekend.  Now I'm hoping that he didn't see the report so that I don't have another reason to hate him. I wonder if we'll hear from him tomorrow or if I'll need to call.  They didn't schedule me for another blood test to monitor my HCG after this last MTX shot.  They always need to do day 4 blood work and day 7.  That'd be Tuesday and Friday.  They also need to monitor my liver function since it's still been high, and a double dose can't be good for that.  ...  ...  an unnecessary double dose. ... of the stuff that can be damaging to your liver.  unnecessary.

I'm still not in a good place. I think bad thoughts too often.  Guilty thoughts from time to time that even I know shouldn't be there.  I know it's not my fault.  I know that.  But they creep in, that feeling that I knew.  I should have said something. I could have done something.  ...I know that's "wrong", but tell me what about this isn't "wrong"?

Also, I know some doctors.  I have good friends who are doctors.  And they're good people.  I want to curse the entire profession right now- but I know that's wrong. There are good doctors out there who I need to trust again one day.  I'm just in a bad place, and it feels better to blame the whole lot of them rather than ...  well, myself.  For picking this one.  For listening to this one.  For believing in him, for standing up for him, for giving him our entire world. 

We'll have to decide what to do next at some point.  We'll need to make plans for another round of IVF, or a laparoscopy, or just several thousand trips to Vegas.  There will have to be large steps forward.  We'll need to decide whether we stay with this "doctor" or go to another.  Start all over trusting someone new.  Putting all of our faith into someone else who hasn't proven anything to us.  I'll be interested to see if Dr. Z shows any remorse.  Maybe he would be extra cautious with us next time. Maybe he would tread lightly, feel fear for a wrong move. Maybe he'd do a free round? no. probably not.  Maybe he won't care and we'll have to pull another name from a hat to see what happens.

But right now I still have something inside of me. I don't even know what to call it, what to say about it. I'm just waiting for it to "flush out" or something.  Nothing's happened yet.  Will I have to have a D & C?  I'm guessing yes.  Or will I have to see it myself? I honestly can't tell you what would be better.  Oh f, not more tears. I can't do this right now. Not again.

Friday, September 3, 2010

please. please no.

I honestly don't think I'm in the right state of mind to be writing, but I just had to. I need this therapy. Or I need to pretend like I'll get over this. Or I just need.  This can't be real.

Went in for another HCG test this morning to make sure it's still going down like it's supposed to.  Remember it dropped to the 1900's last time (Monday, a week after the initial shot).  It went up to 2500 today (almost two weeks after the shot).  That's not normal.  That's not even close to normal.  They were dumb-founded.  And that's not a good place to be, with your doctor dumb-founded. 

So they said I needed a second shot of methotrexate immediately.  And they wanted me to go get a high resolution ultrasound to see what was going on/make sure that I didn't have a massive ectopic about to rupture a tube or something.

B and I left work to go together to get the shot and get in for an ultrasound right away.  My nurse was super nice, saying she was sorry this was going on and on.  Offering to be there this weekend if I needed to call about symptoms from the MTX, etc.  Of course, telling me to stay away from sex, exercise, alcohol, green leafy vegetables...the usual.

Then we went to the imaging place.  This is where One Day's world falls apart. This is where I realize I will never be the same. 

There is no ectopic.  There never was an ectopic.  There is a gestational sac.  And there is a yolk sac.  This was, at one point, a viable intrauterine pregnancy.  And we killed it...we're killing it.

As soon as the picture came up on the screen and I saw the sac, I started crying. I asked if that was a yolk sac. She said yes.  I asked if it was a "pseudo sac" like our doctor told us.  She didn't say anything.

They brought a doctor in to rescan me.  She spent a lot of time talking to us, handing me tissues, trying her hardest not to say the wrong thing about our doctor and his "protocol".  But she told us that HCG levels don't really matter- as long as they're going up, that's what matters.  She said that she would tell me, if I was her patient, to come back in a week to see if they can find a clearer fetal pole.  I told her I was just administered a second dose of methotrexate...and then she said nevermind. 

We killed this baby. They killed this baby.

I want to scream. I want to die.  I've never been so lost in my life.  This is the most horrific pain I've ever felt.  To think that the doctor stopped my progesterone a week after my initial beta test.  And it still hung on.  To think that we poisoned it with mtx...and it still hung on.  They have never seen HCG rise after two weeks on MTX.  It rises after 4 days, then it's supposed to drop (and keep dropping). It doesn't rise.  That's unheard of.  All I can think is that it was trying to hold on.  ...and then we did it again.  Right before I found out. 

How could he not have sent me for a high res ultrasound before the first shot? How could he not have waited for the second until after the ultrasound? WHY DO I TRUST DOCTORS? never. again.

I'm not in a good place to be writing this. I'm not in a good place.

This can't be real.