Saturday, May 28, 2011

Baby Mine

It was a few days ago, I was lying in bed having a hard time falling asleep per usual. All of a suden, this song came to my mind.  I haven't heard this song in probably 15 years, but I instantly started humming it.  I reached down and put my hand on my growing belly.  And then, I thought of our Petri.

Petri, you were so real to me. You always will be.  I'm sorry, I love you.

Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

14 Weeks!

First, thank you for all of your support from my last post.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty for complaining or not really enjoying being miserably's hard to get past the guilt sometimes.  This is such an amazing community, I'm so glad I started writing about my journey.  This post should be a little less depressed, with a side of way too much reality, and quite a bit of TMI sprinkled in...

Fourteen weeks!  We get to find out the sexes in LESS than a week, I can't wait.  I think of the different possibilities- boy,girl or girl,girl or boy,boy...I'd be so happy with any of them!  All have their own benefits...I just hope everything keeps going well with the little luckies.  I can't help but get nervous from time to time, but I guess I'm lucky to have the nausea remind me that something is for sure going on in there.  Silver lining?  Oh, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that boy,girl would be rock star just a little bit...

I haven't thrown up in a few days y'all!!!!!  Alert the presses!  I'm still nauseous almost all of the time, but yesterday for the first time in probably 7 weeks I had my first short break from nausea!  It was glorious.  I mean, F'ing GLORIOUS! Lasted maybe an hour and 15 minutes in the morning.  Please, please, please let that come back.  I'm back to not a moment without it today so far...and the evenings are usually worse.  But there are degrees to the nausea.  There's queasy, there's sick to my stomach, there's "my stomach is doing flips", there's "I want to reach in and rip my stomach out and set it across the room while I throw darts at it", then there's dry heaving, vomiting, and "I can't stop vomiting and I'm choking on it!".  Yes- this is hyperemesis.  I was mostly sick to my stomach this morning.  Of course, I've noticed that if I don't eat just a little something every hour or so, that turns way worse.  I just went about two hours without food because honestly, food is the LAST thing I want most of the time.  I shot up to dry heaving.  But luckily a few pretzels helped a bit.

Oh- and I was super excited yesterday that I ate an ENTIRE bowl of chicken noodle soup (the whole can!).  And then today I decided to try again...and then I looked at the can.  There's only 200 calories in a whole can of that damn soup- only 10 grams of protein.  What a cheat. Last night I told B everything I ate (which was seriously a red letter day with the amount that I ate- it was amazing) and he tallied a bit and replied "That's about 2500 calories! Great job"- enter depression sinking in.  The doc said I should try to get 3500 calories...and I ate WAY more than normal or than felt comfortable yesterday to only wind up at 2500.  Baby steps, and a great big CONGRATS to me for eating that much if I do say so myself.  B's always there to encourage me though, thank God.  I would have stopped eating and went for the feeding tube weeks ago without him.  He's my rock.

I actually got out of the house for the first time (other than doctor's appts) this past weekend.  Went to my parent's house to lay around there instead.  I ate some pot roast and had some peaches and ice cream!!!  I also took a shower that day.  Big day in our lives people, big day!  More to come???  Pleasepleaseplease!

I still haven't gained any weight back even though I'm eating more than I used to and haven't thrown up the past few days.  Argh!  But I'm not losing really. As soon as I stopped the IV fluids I lost about 3 more pounds immediately (within 24 hours) I'm still hanging in right there, down about 15 or so.  My belly is getting bigger though! :)  I don't get dressed much, having anything pressing on my stomach makes me feel sick, so I lay around in a beater and boy shorts most of the time.  Sexy!  Especially with a growing belly- this beater is not a maternity shirt so it just rides up and makes me look uber trashy.  Oh if these walls could talk.

B and I are sleeping in separate rooms now, did I mention that?  If he breathes on me I lose it, poor guy.  And I'm sleeping so lightly and getting up to pee so much that any snoring or loud breathing is the end of my z's, so he's volunteered to pack it up for the guest room for a bit.  I hate it.  I miss him so much, seriously.  I just want to cuddle!!!  I'm hormonal and sick and I'm a cuddler- this is cruel.

A few more symptoms for my journal of pregnancy: constipation is back and brutal, I'm taking colace every day.  Seriously, I'm pooing rocks over here (sorry). If I don't take proto.nix every day I get pretty gnarley heartburn.  Now, I'm hardly eating and yet I get heartburn.  I never had heartburn before this.  Wtf? We've upped my anti-nausea meds to the highest dose they'll allow which seems to be helping a bit (no throwing up!!), but it doesn't really affect the nausea as much as the vomiting. I'll take it though. do I say this... the lady bits are not my friends.  All of them.  I've got itching. I've got discharge. I've got flaky stuff on the ladies up's adorable, really, all of it. I google something new every day just to find that it's "fairly" common.  I just happen to get ALL of it.  I'm on the bump message boards most days to see what other ladies at the same stage are feeling, and I HATE when those ladies come on and say "I wish I felt more pregnant right now. I mean, I feel exactly the same, blah blah blah".  No offense to any of you who are preggo with no symptoms, seriously.  I know that that would be rough not knowing what's going on in there or wondering/worrying all the time.  I completely understand that.  But I'd just like a couple hours of it here and there.  Maybe long enough to watch a whole movie without itching downstairs, without peeing three times, without dry heaving and making my husband leave the room, and maybe with a nice poo!  haha, honestly, I'm sorry. I've lost all shame. It's gone.

OH- I discovered "Glee".  If you don't watch Glee, Netflix it immediately.  Seriously.  If I can like it through this horrid sickness, you'll definitely like it.  (Caveat- if you absolutely hate hate hate musicals, that last statement may not fly for you...B doesn't like it...but you have to at least try).

And now, some things I've been looking at online that I really really want to go look at in person:

Graco Suite Solutions Portable Playard - Birkshire -  Graco - Toys"R"Us

Graco Playard with Twins Bassinet - Kensington -  Graco - Toys"R"Us

Graco DuoGlider LX Stroller - Pippin - Graco  - Babies"R"Us

Chicco Cortina Together Double Stroller - Cubes - Chicco  - Babies"R"Us

Baby Jogger 2010 City Mini Double Stroller - Green/Grey -  Baby Jogger - Toys"R"Us
Tike Tech City X3 Swivel Double Stroller - Classic Black -  Tike Tech - Toys"R"Us

My Brest Friend Twins Plus Deluxe Green Nursing Pillow -  Zenoff Products - Toys"R"Us
Bananafish Nature's Jungle 4-Piece Crib Bedding Set -  Bananafish - Toys"R"Us
Mod Pod Pop Monkey Fitted Crib Sheet - Kids Line  - Babies"R"Us   MONKEYS!!! :)
Mod Pod Pop Monkey Lamp - Kids Line  - Babies"R"Us Seriously??  too much. love.

Mod Pod Pop Monkey Rug - Kids Line  - Babies"R"Us  That's a rug.  Done.

Dutailier XL Micro Glider in Cherry Finish with Ecru Fabric - Dutailier  - Babies"R"Us

JJ Cole Cozy Winter Hat - Ivory (0-6 Months) - JJ Cole Collections  - Babies"R"Us I will not need this where I live, but...swoon.

I-Play Girls Short Sleeve Tie Rashguard & Swim Diaper Set - Yellow Berry (Large/18 Months) - I Play  - Babies"R"Us OMG I want the entire fruit collection....boys could where oranges or pears, right? Oh B would be so mad.

I-Play Girls Skirty Tanksuit - Lavender Pears (Medium/12 Months) - I-Play  - Babies"R"Us
Dr. Seuss Bodysuit Gift Boxes - Red (6 months) - Bumkins  - Babies"R"Us I mean, even if I didn't want to...I have to. It's a requirement.
babyGEAR 6 Piece Neutral Now & Later Gift Box Set in Tulle -  Baby Gear - Toys"R"Us Those are little safari animals.  :)
Itty Bittees Bodysuit, Hat & Burpcloth Gift Set - Boo Boo: Yellow & White (0-3 Months) - Tadpoles  - Babies"R"Us It's says "boo boo"...enough said.
4-Piece Christmas Layette Set - Yummy Red (0-3 Months) - Tadpoles  - Babies"R"Us4-Piece Christmas Layette Set - HoHoHo Green (0-3 Months) - Tadpoles  - Babies"R"Us Oooooh, Christmas!!!

Ok- maybe it's still too soon.  Remember, I'm just looking.  No one's buying or anything. ;)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Please Forgive Me

I'm scared to write this.  I'm scared to sit here and feel what I feel, but most of all to put it down in this space. 

It is one of the hardest things to read a pregnant woman complain about pregnancy when you don't know if you will ever be pregnant or if you will ever stay pregnant, and I never wanted to be one of those women to cause that pain.  There were times when I had to look away, or walk away, or go to a different place inside of myself when I would hear those complaints.  "They don't know what they've got" I would think.  And sometimes, sometimes I think I might have been right.  But sometimes...

I have hyperemesis gravidarum.  And I want it to go away.  I'm so angry at my body for not allowing me to enjoy this amazing gift we've been given.  I'm so afraid to come here and say that I'm not yet enjoying being pregnant because I know how bad that hurts, but I can't sugar coat this anymore.  I started this blog as therapy for myself and as a way to share the difficult journey that is infertility...and hopefully pregnancy and life after infertility.  We were granted that gift, and I've been too ashamed to share what is really going on.  But then I realized that I felt alone.  And someday another woman will feel this alone, sitting in this place wondering why her body wouldn't give her a chance to be happy. 

I've been sick since 5 and a half weeks.  It started out slow, I was so excited to be nauseous those first days! This meant good things, and it did!  And it still does in a way.  My pregnancy, our babies are growing strong.  The level of hormones in my body are so high and so strong that my body can't even handle it- we have a strong pregnancy.  This I truly am grateful for as long as I can see past the rest of it for a few moments, but I rarely get that chance. 

I day dream about going to work and having someone tell me "congratulations" or ask how the twins are doing.  I day dream about walking outside and seeing little ones, knowing that soon...oh so soon.  I day dream about eating a salad and enjoying every single bite, knowing that I'm nourishing my body and our children.  But then I snap back to reality and struggle with every single bite of a muffin.  Every single sip of a water. My Everests.  Knowing that anything I can get down and keep down will hopefully keep one more pound from dropping away.  I've lost about 15 pounds or so...and I had to beg the doctor to let me stop IV fluids, to just take a break.  My arms are sore and the fluids make me feel so much sicker.  I told her I need to at least TRY to drink on my own.  I lost two more pounds, and I think I'll need to start again. My lips are cracking and I'm having trouble standing up again.

I've been trapped in my house, in my bed, for over a month.  Not by doctor's orders.  But because the only thing I can do is lay down. The more I move, the more I throw up.  And every where I go, the smells make me gag and dry heave, or lose those precious calories I had just forced down. The guilt is overwhelming.

My husband is living life for me.  Making me food, begging me to drink one more bottle of water, reminding me to try one more piece of food.  The doctor threatened me with a feeding tube, "We don't want to get to that place".  But she was so reassuring, telling me that this is awful and that hopefully I've put in my time and we'll get through the rest of this pregnancy free of pre-term labor and all of the unbelievable pain that can bring.  I pray that she's right.

I want this part to be over.  I wouldn't do anything to let these babies go.  Never.  This part needs to be over now.  I hang on the fact that often times it starts to get better at 14 weeks, but I know that often times it doesn't get better until 21 weeks...and sometimes it doesn't get better until birth.

Please forgive me for this- I know this hurts.  I know it's wrong. But I also know that it's real, and it hurts, and it's where we are right now.  But I'm hopeful for one day...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

12 Weeks!!!!!

We've made it to 12 weeks!  This is such an exciting day :)  This was the day we decided we would put our worries aside and start actually planning for babies rather than just pregnancy.  We couldn't really wait until today, we've been planning quite a bit.  But now, if I start to feel better, I could maybe buy a couple of things for the little ones :)

I'm still pretty much bed ridden.  Yesterday was a bad day...hopefully the peak of it??  I got a new IV yesterday because the one I got this weekend was starting to burn too bad when I would flush it or infuse.  I was feeling pretty bad when I had to sit up to get the IV, and then afterward I just went downhill.  Awful headache, really bad nausea...but I got through it.  Then last night after my five hours of infusion, for some reason the IV line clotted and I had to take it out.  So the nurse will be back again today to put a new line in.  I'm running out of veins here! haha  BUT, this meant that I actually had a night and morning without an IV in my arm, so I took advantage and took a full shower this morning, with both hands!  It was lovely.

We have another appointment on Thursday of next week.  We did our NT scan last Friday and it went perfectly!  We got to take a good long look at both luckies and they look so cute!  It was 11w1d and both had nasal bones present.  The nuchal folds measured 1.2mm and less, can't quite remember the other one.  Then we got a call a couple days ago after my blood work came back.  They said with my age alone the risk of downs and other genetic disorders they test for at this point was about 1 in 700ish.  With the results of the scan and blood test, it's 1 in 10,000 on each baby (which they can't decipher through the blood, but the scans showed good results on each).  So that was a great phone call!  Mainly it was just great to see the little ones so up close and personal.  We got to look at a little hand- all five fingers :)  Baby B is measuring quite a bit bigger than A, but A is right on track.  So baby B is our big bubba!  Love it!  I can't wait for next week to see how they're growing.

Dr. F has prescribed another two weeks of fluids because I've lost more weight.  But I'm eating a bit more now a days.  At least trying to.  I eat some pot roast every once in a while to get protein (I know, pot roast?).  But the little ones just gobble it all up, leaving me still feeling pretty weak and underweight.  Oh well- have at it little ones!!!

I hope everyone is doing well.  I know I don't update much, but hopefully hitting the 12 week mark means that I'll be on the up and up soon so I can get back to the real world. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Keep on Truckin'

Getting closer and closer to that 12 week mark.  We go in on Friday for the NT scan, so I'm really excited about that.  Thursday will be 11 weeks.  I think the 12 week thing is kinda funny, because I know that it's just a random day- nothing really changes from 11w6d to 12w...but I'll be so glad to get there.  Just to feel a little bit more peace and comfort.  So far everything is looking great with the luckies, we're so lucky! 

The pregnancy isn't being quite as nice to me as it's being to our little ones.  I'll take that over the other way around though any day.  It's just been rough, and I'm so, so hoping that things get a little easier on my body after the first trimester- just so that I can start doing things that feel healthy for the pregnancy.  All I do is lay around all day in bed, get fluids through an IV, and try to snack on anything that won't make me gag (which is pretty much still just pretzels and water).  I started trying to force down a little more protein through a yogurt here or a quarter of a turkey sandwich there.  I ate a half of a pb&j today and yesterday, so that's progress.  But I have to guess that I'm eating about 900 calories a day...which just can't be good with twins.  I'm trying so hard, but dry heaving and gagging make it so difficult to eat anything.  I hate food right now.  Oh, and I hate the way my house smells. With a passion.  I sleep with my covers over my nose and I chew gum every waking minute to try and cover up the smells that seem to be everywhere.  I'm actually at the point where I can't hug my husband...he smells too much like our kitchen.  :(  This is one of the saddest things to date.  I'll take the numerous vein punctures and IV fluids, but please give me my husband back.  I miss cuddling with him.  Someone tell me this symptom will go away soon.  (But you've got to promise me that the pregnancy will still stay strong...!!!)

We ended up back in the doctor's office last Friday after I woke up in the middle of the night with horrific cramps/lower abdominal pain.  I was in tears. They told me to take 600mg of ibuprofen again. It went away about four hours later (around 5am), but they wanted me to come in to check on everything.  And all is well.  I personally think it was a ruptured ovarian cyst (oh how I love thee).  We don't know though.  I hope that pain doesn't happen again, at least not until labor many, many months down the road.

It was so good to see the luckies again!  They're measuring right on track still and their heartbeats are slowing just a bit to be a little more in the normal range- 168.  I kinda liked when they were in the 180's- little overachievers.  But that's gotta get tiring for the little ones... ;)

I'm obviously still off work on leave.  This isn't good because it's cutting into my maternity leave.  But I'll just go without pay if need be.  I know I'm not gonna want to go back to work before 12 weeks (only 6-8 of that is paid depending on if I have a c-section or not)...and right now I only have 9 weeks left of FMLA total.  My boss is very understanding though- there's no piece of me that worries I won't have job security if I take a personal leave after my FMLA is up.  So we're good there. Plus, I'm sure I'll need to leave work a ways before the babies actually come...I'll be a house by then :) and probably pretty uncomfortable.  Hopefully I won't be nauseous though!! ha