Saturday, November 26, 2011


Our litttle ones won't be little ones for long, especially "teeny tiny Caleb".  We had their  one month check up the other day and everything looks great!

Grace is now 7lbs 12oz as of Wednesday.  She's 19 3/4" long and her little head is 34 3/4 cm.  Caleb has officially surpassed his sister, weighin in at 8lbs 3oz and 21 1/2" long!!  However, his little head is super little still..only 31 3/4 cm. The nurse said that he's tall and she's smart...I beg to differ- they're both tall AND smart thankyouverymuch. ;)

Mr. Caleb has a little hernia, but apparently it's nothing to worry about.  The doctor said it would go away by the time he's 3 and his little ab muscles have developed.  Three??? Our kids will be three one day??? How is that possible, they're so tiny and helpless.  It's funny, it really feels like that sometimes, like they're going to be this small forever.  But then some days, like today, I put them in an outfit that they were swimming in just a couple weeks ago and now it hardly fits...and I realize that I've got such precious few moments left of these tiny baby memories. 

We've decided to stop Grace's reflux medication for a bit because it wasn't really helping much.  We're going to see what happens and decide what to do next.  Both of them are on gas drops with every bottle...we're gonna stop those next to see what happens.  They are still groaning and seeming uncomfortable all the time (which I know babies groan...but it's all day and night).

We got their birth announcements in the mail and they are SO cute, I can't wait to get them out...but I'm dreading having to sit down and address all the envelopes.  When do I have time to do that??  I'm stealing a couple minutes to type this while I'm pumping...and listening to Caleb on the verge of crying because I put him down in his crib too soon after eating.  We usually need to hold them upright for at least 15 minutes every time.

Thanksgiving was awesome- my parents came over and brought the food, so I didn't have to cook AND we didn't have to go anywhere.  How lucky are we?! It was super delicious, and the kids were really good all day and slept through most of it.  Unfortunately, that meant they were up most of the night, but B and I were able to sneak away for a couple hours leaving Nana to watch the littles while we hit up a couple of stores for Black Friday at midnight!  Got a few good deals, too!

Ok, Caleb's had enough, need to go get him.  I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was superb. I can't believe it's almost December...and almost Babies' First Christmas! Can't wait!!! (I need to find some adorable little Christmas outfits- that's the best part!)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

One Month

My darling Grace and Caleb,

You two are one month old today, and I can't believe it! Time has truly flown by this past month.  You've each already grown so much, and I know the next months will only go faster.  I want to bottle up these precious moments, holding you each in my arms, staring at your tiny fingers, playing with your little toes.  I can carry each of you in one arm you're so light, and I know that won't last forever.

My little Gracie Mae, you're our little butterball...but you're just a tiny little thing.  You came into this world a month ago looking so big next to your brother, and you've had a personality all your own ever since.  We call you our little Diva because you started out as the crier of the two of you- you needed more attention, and you were quite a bit more stubborn.  But this past month has brought a lot of changes, and you truly are an easy going little princess.  You cry when you need to be changed, fed, or held, but you're happy as soon as we get there.  You can't get enough of lying on your Daddy's chest.  He puts you to sleep instantly, and its the only time that you seem to ever be truly relaxed...lying with your daddy.  My heart melts every time.

A lot of the time I'm worried about you because you just seem so uncomfortable.  You have reflux, and what seems like some serious gas pains all the time.  You take gas drops with every bottle and we have you on reflux medication now twice a day...I'm hoping you outgrow it soon, but you're still so little I'm afraid we have a while until your tummy matures all the way.

You're a super eater now, though. I remember in the hospital we had the hardest time getting you to drink 15mL from your bottle.  Now you take down 80 or 90 ml at every feed, eight times per day. You and your brother are eating only breast milk, but you have pretty much stopped nursing, so we only feed you by the bottle.  I haven't given up on it yet, though.  We'll keep trying!

My favorite times of the day are when you're awake and looking around, which has just started happening a little more often.  For the first couple weeks of your life we were one "calorie watch" and pretty much needed you to eat and sleep, period.  But now I spend a good deal of time trying to wake both of you up...and you're definitely in love with your sleep, especially when I'm trying to get you up and at 'em! But those few times when you decide you want to check out the world, I can't get enough!  Today we spent a long time just staring at each other.  You've got such beautiful eyes, I love looking at them.  You also are starting to recognize your little toys a bit now, and today you stared at the lion on your bouncy chair for almost thirty minutes (with a little time looking at the hippo...but I think you're much more fond of that lion!).  We also spend a little time on your play mat every day now, and you swing your arms and kick your legs enough to get all of those little friends moving around, too!

Gracie, I never want to forget your chubby little cheeks and those adorable baby rolls on your legs and knees.  And your hair! I just love stroking your hair, it's so soft.  Especially after bath time (which only happens a couple times a week right now,but I'm so looking forward to stopping the "sponge baths" and getting you in some water soon!  And baby girl, you smell like heaven.  I could just lay smelling you all day long if you'd let me.

I'm so proud of how big you're getting, but a part of me doesn't want you to keep growing.  I want to savor every minute of your tiny-ness.  But, baby, you will keep growing, and I can't wait to see what the next days, months, and years bring for you.  You're such a strong little girl already...I love you, little face!

And my baby boy, Caleb.  Oh, my tiny little man.  This month has been such a roller coaster of emotion for me- I spent so much time worried about you and feeling like I had let you down. You were just so skinny and frail when you were born, and then you lost more weight and, baby boy, you were TEENSY! But...little've officially taken care of my fears! You're a rockstar little eater and you've taken it upon yourself to ensure I don't feel awful any longer.  You're eating about 4 oz (about 120mL) at every meal, eight times per day and your little cheeks have gone from sunken in to full on chub!

You were our super chill little one in the beginning.  You wouldn't mind waiting for us to tend to Grace when she'd cry her eyes out; your patience was surprising.  Lately, however, you've found your voice and you make sure we don't forget it!  But buddy, you're still such a laid back dude.  Today, you laid in your crib for a good 20 minutes just hanging out peacefully because you just weren't tired when your sister was.  I make sure to take advantage of alone time with you and your sister whenever I can, because I just love gazing into your eyes and watching your little facial expressions.  I love when you hold my finger as I feed you or when I'm just taking a little Caleb time. 

You've had a couple of rough times this past month- you were born a bit jaundice and you had to get your blood drawn way more than I would have liked.  You really didn't cry much at all, though. But today, you got your newborn screening done...and you screamed your little head off!  What a difference a month can make! And you sure let us know how mad you were about being circumcised...sorry about that, bubba. I love that you're lungs are getting stronger and your personality is bubbling up.  You only really cry when you're wet, hungry, or just really really want to be held.  You're such a good baby, little dude! But I worry sometimes- it seems like you might have reflux like your sister, now...and you still choke a lot when we're feeding you.  Hopefully you'll grow out of that and figure out this whole breathing while eating thing. 

You're eating only breast milk, and you've actually figured out the latching thing so we can nurse every once in a while.  Somehow though, you're never satisfied from nursing so I always give you a bottle afterward... and of course you finish the whole thing! I think you might be our linebacker one day...or maybe a QB! ;)  Nana would say "absolutely not" and make sure that I plug becoming a pitcher.  I'm good with that, too.

I never want to forget how soft your little feet are, and your adorable gas smiles!  You'll open your mouth SO wide and get this hysterical grin on your face, inevitably followed by a very loud noise and another diaper change... Oh, and your squeaking. You speak through squeak and it's the cutest thing. You've just started to sort of babble through squeaking rather than just squeaking when you're upset.  You squeak at your little friends on your play mat and I love watching it. 

You don't love bath time right now because you're not a fan of getting cold...but soon we'll be able to let you sit in some water, and I so hope that you like that. 

Your Daddy and I dream of what the future holds for you.  I couldn't be more in love with you, and I know I'm going to just keep falling more and more in love with you every day.  I can't wait to watch you grow and get stronger.  But not too fast, ok little pants? I want to cherish these moments that I can hold you so close and keep you safe...

My loves, my luckies... this has been the most incredible month of my life.  I never knew how difficult, and how rewarding it could be to have you here with me, and I'm so unimaginably grateful. You two truly are miracles, I hope you know that. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Newborn Photos!!

Well I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get on here and post these, I've been wanting to for a while now.  But, you know, two babies...

The offspring are doing well.  They're starting to discover their voices a little more nowadays- the crying has increased a bit.  Somehow our children have discovered also that we will hold them when they cry and they tend to enjoy this.  :)  They will be super pissed, totally inconsolable in their cribs, and then we pick them up and they're happy as can be.  Not easy when there's two of them and only one person to hold them...but it works when both B and I are there or when we have help.  I know you can't spoil a newborn, but it sorta feels like it. I kind of want them to get used to not being held cuz it just won't happen all the time if both are unhappy.  That sounds awful, but it's the truth.  Sad sad sad.  What to do?

They're still growing well it seems.  We have their one month check up next Wednesday.  I can't believe the twins will be a month old on Tuesday!! That's crazy- time is flying by!  The past month hasn't been all easy, but I absolutely know I'm going to miss this phase.  This tiny baby wanting to be held and being super happy in my arms phase.  I tear up just thinking about it- I know that they'll get to a point when either a) holding won't make them feel better or b) they outgrow it and want to be down running around more than being held.  I know there are amazing parts to that phase as well, but I'll miss this feeling.  I love that I can make them happy so easily sometimes.

Caleb's bubba bits are getting better.  He wasn't happy for the first couple of days.  I've never seen a baby cry so hard as the first time our little dude went to the bathroom after the snipping... it was awful.  I cried right along with him as he gripped my finger so tight he had white knuckles.  I don't like thinking about that.  But he's doing much better- it seems to not have phased him much. 

Gracie is still grunting away.  She still vomits more than I think she should and seems just so terribly uncomfortable a lot of the time.  I know little lady has some wicked tummy trouble...I just want to make it go away.  Hopefully she grows out of that soon.

Still exclusively pumping- no formula.  I got clogged ducts last week that were horrendously painful.  Took almost two days for them to clear up- had to do a lot of heating pads, hand expression, and finally got Caleb to latch on and tackle the problem himself.  That's what did it!  I get them both to practice latching once or twice a day, but haven't seen much progress.  I'm thinking we're going to be exclusively pumping for the long haul.  We were hoping they were just too little to latch or stay awake while breastfeeding- but now they've gotten so used to the bottle, I don't know if there's any hope for us.  Plus, I'll be going back to work anyway.  But I still don't love having to pump after every feed.  It takes me an hour and a half to finish the whole feeding/pumping process each time. Which is brutal when they want to eat every two hours (from the start of the feed), so I only get about 30 minutes "off" sometimes.  But they eat every 3 hours mostly, so that's good.  Trying to get them to do one 4 hour stretch at night, unsuccessfully thus far.

Oh- B and I got to get away for a little bit a couple of times now.  My mom has come over to help us and let us sneak away in between feedings (pumpings).  She's taken full feedings by herself several times which has been a REAL lifesaver for us.  So B and I actually went and got some sushi and went to play a few slots at a casino near our house the other day!!! It was awesome to hang with him for a bit- that's been the hardest part for me, missing my B.  We see eachother all the time since he's home from work, but being on baby duty makes seeing eachother not exactly "quality time".  It was a great three hours! But of course, we both missed the twins :)

I'm going to try to get out for a walk most days now that I'm feeling a little more comfortable keeping the babies awake.  We were so paranoid about their "calorie burning" there for a while...but just getting out of the house for a few minutes makes ALL the difference.  I get wicked stir crazy.  I'd like to start running again as soon as I'm cleared for it.  I don't want to damage my recovery by starting too soon, but I feel pretty good and I seriously miss working out. It's been forever- an entire year honestly.  I need it.  I go back to see my OB this coming Wednesday...which won't be a full 6 weeks, but they kept telling me how awesome my body was handling the c-section and how I was recovering super fast.  She might clear me then. I hope so!

And finally, the cutest twins you've ever seen (I may be slightly biased...but go with it):

Grace Face!

Peaceful Caleb

I mean, he was totally content sleeping on this tree trunk in our front yard...

Tiny Feet!

And because my mom would die if I didn't add yawn!

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Adventures of Boo Boo and Squeaker

First, thank you for the support and encouragement on my last post.  My doctor called today to check in on me and asked if I want to go forward with talking to a counselor.  I'm feeling a little bit better today, but every day is different- so I decided to go ahead with it.  They are getting me a referral, so hopefully having someone to talk to will put me in a good place, a better place.  I just want to be stable, I want to be the best mother I can be for these amazing little ones.

Speaking of our amazing little ones...they're doing great!  They are both eating a little more all the time...they've hit a bit of a growth spurt I think, they want to eat more often now.  And we've had a few more crying spurts from each of them.  They really didn't cry much at all for the first couple of weeks. We got a bit spoiled. ;)

So, you recall that B and I are "nickname" people.  We each have about thirty nicknames for eachother...and our children are no exception.  From the moment we got that BFP they've had nicknames.  And it's gotten worse.  My favorites are Boo Boo for Grace and Squeaker for little Caleb.  They fit so perfectly.  I'm for sure gonna write a children's book about them one day... ;)

Here's their list of current nicknames at 16 days old:

Grace:  Boo Boo, Little Lady, Lady Cakes, Grace Face, Gracie Cakes, Gracie Mae, Boo, Fussy Britches, Princess, Monkey, Little Face, Little Pants, Sissy
Caleb: Squeaker, Bubba, Bubs, Buddy, Little Face, Little Pants, Mr. Caleb, Little Dude, Little Man, Old Man, Crabby Pants, Brother

We'll see what happens when Caleb surpasses his big sister in weight and size...cuz he's working on it. He's already longer than she is! At the doctor last week he measured 19.5" and she was only 19".  He's stretching out, but he's also growing into his skin so it's not so wrinkly anymore.  He had that old man look going good there for a while. But little dude's filling out.  I can't wait for him to get chubby knees like his sister! :)

I'll leave you with some pics cuz I.just.can' :)

Standard scene in our house nowadays!  This was a couple days after we brought them home. 

Daddy is mastering the tandem feed.  Mommy still doesn't have these mad skills...

Halloween trip to the pediatrician!

Happy Halloween!

Super Babies!

Grace Face


First (and only thus far) walk!

Boo Boo was having a rough she got some special time with Mommy on the couch. :)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Two Weeks Old!

The twins, our little luckies, are two weeks old today!  What an amazing world it is.

The appointment on Thursday went well- Caleb has officially passed his birth weight and weighed in at 5lbs 9oz!  Still teeny tiny, but a half a pound bigger than when we left the hospital, so that's fabulous! Grow little man, grow! Baby Grace is still just shy of her birth weight weighing in at 6lbs even.  I'm sure by now she's surpassed that, though.

We talked to the doc about Grace's groaning and tummy trouble- so I've started her on gas drops with every feed.  So far it seems to be helping a bit.  We've also inclined her bed a little.  She's still doing the arch back thing, which leads us more toward reflux.  But we'll see.

Ok, I don't want to get started on any sort of circumcision debate here- I know how heated those things can get.  We've decided to circumsize little man (I'm sure he'll love this later...), and I've felt good about that decision.  Until now.  They weren't recommending doing the circ at the hospital because a) he was "late preterm"...lovely, b) he was just a little guy, and c) he wasn't really doing so great on the eating thing.  Lots of falling asleep on the bottle/breast.  So they recommended giving him a little more time to grow and get solid in the suck/swallow/breath things since the circumcision can make little dudes sorta sleepy (aka hunger strike cuz WTF did you just do to me??!?!?!?!?)

Well, I was hoping we at least could get it done in the first two weeks of little man's life.  Now they want to wait til next week and I'm thinking 'holy crap he's getting too old for this and I'm way too attached and it's gonna hurt him and he's gonna be mad at me and resent me and I'm fairly certain he can remember stuff now cuz he's so OLD".  Logical, I know.

So we're scheduled for next Thursday, but not until we have another weigh in on Wednesday that shows he's still growing and eating well.  If not, then what? They wait some more? What, is he gonna be like 12 when this thing happens?  I just want to say "nevermind", it's not worth it.  But I don't own the equipment so I'm not gonna make this final call- especially cuz I'm super wicked emotional and not exactly logical all the time nowadays.

Speaking of super wicked emotional- I'm on "post partum depression watch" now.  I went and had my two week post-op appt with my doctor...and promptly broke down crying the moment she came to the lobby to get me.  Then I cried the entire appointment.  Then I had planned to use my gift card from my wonderful husband for our anniversary to get a facial cuz B said I should and I've been obviously a little unstable and he thought it would help.  Well,  I had scheduled for right after my visit with the doc, but when I went out there, they somehow had forgotten to add me to the schedule and couldn't get me in for another 45 minutes, so I broke down crying in the lobby of the spa.  HOLY WTF.  I was so incredibly embarrassed, but I seriously could NOT control it.  It was flippin awful.  So of course the amazing nurses saw the mess, pulled me aside, got me some water, told me they'd figure something out, got my doctor who came out and pulled me into a room to talk to me about how I "was feeling"...and decided that they should call me on Monday to "make sure I'm ok".  Yeah.  For real.

I'm not feeling like I'm going to hurt anybody or anything like that.  I'm not feeling detached from my precious children or angry at them, or anything.  I just feel super emotional and exhausted...and a little bit like I'm failing at this motherhood thing.  I keep saying to myself that if there were just one then I'd be better at this- but with the two, I feel like I can't do it well enough.  I can't split my time, I can't feed them together, I can't handle hearing one cry while I'm tending to the other, I can't sleep...I just can't.  I really hate feeling like this.  And I totally know that it's absolutely normal to feel overwhelmed and my hormones are like rabid monkeys bouncing around... I just gotta get through this stage.  It's gotta get better on the hormone front.  I cry nightly.  Not cool, body, not cool.  I want to cherish every single waking second with these amazing miracles.  I don't want one bit of it to be tarnished by sadness or anxiety.  But alas, such is life.

So they started talking to me about how the baby blues only last a couple of weeks and if it continues much longer then they think I should talk to a counselor or maybe start some medication.  I don't know. I'm gonna wait to see what happens.  I'm so incredibly happy to have my beautiful babies here, well, and in my arms.  I feel like such a horrible person having any of these feelings.

Anyway- lots of great stuff going on right now as well. I don't want you to think I'm completely F'd up.  I swear, I'm not.  We got our newborn photos and they're brilliant.  Hopefully we'll get the CD soon so I can upload some.  ALSO- I, apparently, have broken my doctor's office's record for the most weight loss the quickest...  I'm already down to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I lost about 50 pounds in about 11 days.  Haha, nice.  I look so different- my legs are actually smaller than they were.  My belly has a little bit of a jiggle to it now, but I don't have a pooch or anything like I thought I would for months.  Just sorta soft.  And my butt got flat!!!  Oh, and the ladies up top- no joke. This breastfeeding thing is for real. ;)

We're still exclusively pumping.  I'm really not working very hard to get them to latch ever.  It just seems so futile. Pumping is a pain though- I hate having to wash all of that stuff all the time, every 2 and a half hours.  But my production is great, and I'm already freezing a ton.  I get almost 200 mL every time I pump (about 15 minutes or so).  Things have gotten better since I started using a hands free was awful being stuck holding the pumps on.  I would highly recommend if you're going to be doing any large amount of pumping.  I have the Med.ela  Kinda pricey, but worth it.

Alright, gotta go- one of them is stirring.  Oh my loves. :)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Guilt

I didn't go into anything post-birth in my last post...and there was plenty to go into.  The build up to our twins' birth and then the actual c-section all went so beautifully.  Of course, it was a little early and unexpected, but we felt pretty prepared and the section was great. 

As soon as we got any sort of report about the babies, the guilt started setting in. 

We are so incredibly, incredibly blessed to have such big twins at 35 weeks and 2 days.  I mean, honestly- 5 and a half pounds and over 6 pounds, that's really big for "late preterm"...especially for twins.  And the fact that I made it to over 35 weeks anyway, that's so great.  I know this inside.  I do.  But from the very beginning, all we've heard is "late preterm" this and "late preterm" that.  All of the things we need to be cautious of because our babies didn't make it all the way to full term.  It's so scary, and honestly infuriating.  Why would they not stop labor if it causes so much drama for these babies to be born 2 weeks earlier than we wanted???  Couldn't they have tried a little harder?  Shouldn't I have tried a little harder? 

I immediately started regretting doing anything that day- running errands, not slowing down, not drinking enough water...

Gracie had some blood sugar problems and had to immediately be supplemented with formula.  Caleb was right there with her, and was obviously incredibly skinny.  They both had to take a trip to the NICU right after I got stitched up and spent some time with them in recovery so they could get blood tests- Daddy went with them while I was wheeled out of our recovery room and up to our hospital room.

We had to supplement them both the entire time we were in the hospital, but my milk came in really early so I was able to start giving them enough breastmilk after a few days to wean them off of the formula.  Now, we're exclusively pumping and bottle feeding breastmilk.  They don't want them to breastfeed exclusively yet because attempting to latch burns too many calories for "late preterm" babies...apparently...and I would have to give them a bottle after I breastfed anyway...and then pump as well.  With two babies.  Not gonna happen. 

So we're waking them up to feed every three hours, trying to keep them on the same schedule right now, which is super difficult.  One sometimes wakes up after 2 hours and wants food- so we have to wake up the other one as well, or make the one hold off which is just horrifying (I feel like I'm starving my children when I do that...haven't been able to do it).

We had our first big crying session last night with Grace- no idea why.  They've been so good, only fussing when they're hungry, wet, or lying in their own spit up (our babies spit up a lot...we have to hold them upright for at least 15 minutes after every feed or it's no good).  Poor little Grace also just groans and grunts sometimes for hours- we can't figure out what that's about.  She seems so uncomfortable.

We have our second weigh-in today at the peds office since we've been home!  They haven't reached their birth weight yet...and they're in the very low percentiles for everything.  I'm so hoping that they've gained a whole lot so I can feel better about all this...but I'm sure that guilt will never really go away (I know, no reason to feel guilty- they're healthy and wonderful...I just can't help it with that stupid "late preterm" crap I keep hearing about).

Hope everyone is well!!! I'll try to upload some more of the millions of pictures we've taken soon.  We got our newborn photos done a couple days ago, too! Way too much stimulation for the little ones, they didn't like it.  But the pics are really cute, I just got to see them!

Mommy needs a nap- hopefully I can sleep (haven't been able to sleep through Grace's keeps me awake all day and night :(  poor little baby.