Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Drumroll! (caution...picture)

Ten years of pain

Nine ruptured ovarian cysts

Seven different types of hormone therapy

Four diagnoses that cause "infertility"

Two laparoscopies

Two rounds of IVF

Two transferred blasts


Two beautiful little luckies!

Twin A, on the right, is measuring 5w5d right on schedule...no heartbeat yet.  Twin B, on the left, is measuring 5w6d...and we have a heartbeat!!!  A teeny, teeny, tiny heartbeat!

I'm speechless! We're speechless.  So, so grateful.

Next ultrasound is Monday at 6w4d so we should be able to see both heartbeats!  Keep praying that they stick and grow...we're cheering for you luckies!  We love you!!!

ps- if you happen to know us outside of the blogworld...please continue to keep this on the down low.  It's still very, very early!  Plus- we want to share the big, BIG news ourselves :)

Monday, March 28, 2011

I'm Nauseous!!! :)

So, it may be the extravagant amount of Flami.ng Hot Chee.tos or the large amount of ice cream I've decided to eat against "lactose intolerance" rules as of late...but I'm nauseous! It sorta started yesterday and today was a little worse. I hope this means good things! I hope this means that the little one(s) is growing!

I'm nervous about tomorrow's ultrasound. I didn't sleep last night. I've been so tired all the time, napping too much of course...and so when I woke up at midnight there was no chance of me falling back asleep anytime soon.  Especially as my mind was racing.  So I did the only logical thing, I went and watched "My F.air Wed.ding with D.avid Tu.tera" for two hours.  Obviously.

Luckily my diabolical plan to ruin B's sleep pattern is also working and he woke up too for a bit so I had someone to talk to for about 15 minutes of that. :)  Sorry b.

So I'm guessing tonight's not gonna go too well either since it's 9:30 and I just woke up from a two hour nap... yikes.

Question: if they're doing a transvaginal ultrasound tomorrow morning at 9:15am and I just put in my progesterone suppository (an hour and a half late, oops) tonight at 9:30...should I do my progesterone suppository tomorrow morning at my usual time of 8am or should I wait until after the ultrasound?  Do those progesterone suppositories pose any problems with ultrasounds?  Dumb question probably...but cut me some slack, I'm hormonal.  :)

omg...confession of the day...I joined "The B.ump".  Yikes.  It's a little scary and I might already be regretting it.  Am I jumping the gun? I feel like that all the time...but then a big part of me keeps saying that I need to jump in and enjoy this.  Those message boards get a little crazy.  I think for infertiles they can get a little hurtful from time to time...but I posted on the "November 2011" birth month board. Wow...like I said, yikes.  Thoughts? And let me know your opinions on the "progesterone suppository meets transvaginal ultrasound" quandary...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Out of Beta Hell!

Wow- we're actually out of beta hell!  Instead of waiting by the phone all day to find out the number...we will be waiting all weekend for our first glimpse at what's going on in there!

My last beta was yesterday, 20 dpo (15dp5dt)...2966! Doubling time of about 40 hours! (just as a little comparison...with Petri, we were at 115 at 15dp5dt...the day they said it's not rising enough, that we had to stop the medication).

First ultrasound is scheduled for this coming Tuesday at 9:15 to make sure all is well and see if it's lucky or luckies!!!

B comes home tomorrow, finally.  I guess it snowed in PA today, a little change from our hometown. I was telling B how tired I've been and he just agrees that he feels the same way...oh B, he's my favorite pregnant woman.  ;)

We've never really been here before- waiting for an ultrasound like this.  Our ultrasounds the last time were all spur of the moment after surprising rises in betas.  The nerves are definitely there.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


So, B and I have always had the nicknames.  We're nickname people, what can I say?  I'd be far too embarrassed to share them all with you here, but I had to go ahead and let the secret out about B's new fav nicknames for me:

Pregosaurus Rex and The Fire Breathing Pragon

Pause for excitement and slight delirium.

B's taken to this whole "pregnant" thing maybe a little too well.  He loves that as long as he says something about me being pregnant he can pretty much follow it up with anything and I'll still smile.  He calls it his "get out of jail free card". 

Example 1-
 B: "Wow honey, you're already showing!" (At 15dpo)... Enter extreme look of disapproval and shock on One Day's face... quickly followed by "I'm just kidding baby- don't be mad...stop acting so pregnant, Preggo!" 
Enter One Day's reluctant giggle and subsequent sprint to the bathroom for yet another pee stick parade.

Example 2-
One Day: "I can't stand watching one more basketball game, can we pleeeeease watch something else?". 
B: "Alright Pregosaurus Rex, why don't you calm down for a hot second and recognize the importance of the husband's roll in all of this.  Don't take out your Fire Breathing Pragon on me just yet."
I laughed. I didn't want to laugh, but I totally laughed.

Example 3-
 B: "Oh man, my back and my stomach and my calves and my neck and my shoulders and my chin are sore from my rockstar workout today at the gym.  I'm soooo sooooooore everywhere, my life is so hard."
One Day: "You're kidding me, right? My ovaries are the size of your biceps (he has HUGE biceps) and my insides are ripping."  
B: "It's not my fault, Little Baby Pregnant Face".
giggle giggle 

Argh- this pregnant card is making it way, way too easy on husband.  We're gonna need to ramp up the ol' "pregnancy hormones" to make things just a little more uncomfortable for Mr. Jokes over there.  You wanna see Pregosaurus Rex?  I think I can make that happen for you.

"But I've got this huge head...and these tiny little arms..."

I love that man...and I love, love, love that right now, at least in this very moment, I'm carrying his baby(s).  Please let it last. Don't let this slip away.  He deserves it.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Can I Breathe?

Could I?  Really?  I mean, I just don't think I'm ready to be exactly "optimistic" without that caution...and I think that's probably ok.  But when the nurse called today with my HCG number, I can tell you that I was definitely excited!

18dpo, 13dp5dt... 1315!  That's a doubling time of about 45 hours and looking great!

I just felt a little tiny weight lifted.  I don't know if it was because it was our third beta the last time that started the downward spiral, but hearing a positive outcome from this beta was such a huge relief.  I was giddy!

I asked the nurse if this could really be it, and she said yes.  I still don't fully believe her, but I think I'm getting there.  Then she told me that we have the highest numbers out of anyone at the clinic right now.  I guess this was a pretty big cycle, a lot of couples went through IVF with Dr. Z last month.  And our numbers are the highest.  And I'm not sure if the nurse was just confused about what day we were on the last time when she said she didn't think it was twins...cuz this time she said she thinks it is!  Of course with the caveat that what she thinks doesn't matter at all and that there's no way to tell without an ultrasound...but wow.  Just wow!

I would be ecstatic with twins.  I would be ecstatic with one...one real, live, take-home baby.  Oh man!  I just hope this is it!!!

They want to do one more beta on Wednesday and then schedule an ultrasound for next week (which I'm happy about as I thought they'd schedule it for this week and then B would miss it...although I wouldn't mind knowing sooner rather than later!!)

She also reminded me that we wouldn't be looking for a heartbeat(s) until the 6 week mark which wouldn't be until next Thursday.  So if we have an ultrasound before that, we're just checking that everything is good and well...and how many of course!

I'm definitely noticing some changes!  No "morning sickness" to speak of. But oh man I'm starting to feel that tiredness!  I've napped for two hours the last few days!  I'm not sleeping super well at night, but usually napping isn't really in the cards for me, especially a two hour nap!  I'm also wicked thirsty all the time.  I can't get enough water!  I sort of lost my appetite until today.  Today I started to feel a little more hungry and I actually ate a couple of times between breakfast and dinner...I can't seem to get enough salt either.  I'm trying to eat good food...but somehow I missed the memo about no deli meats during pregnancy (how did I miss that???) and I ate a bunch of sliced turkey last week.  I panicked as soon as I found out because apparently paranoia is my new best friend.  But I think I'm clear from the listeria monster for now.  No more deli meat though, I promise.

Today was my first day back at work and it went pretty well.  I took it super easy and really didn't do much work at all (I'm sure I'll regret that later)...and I only worked a normal business day!!  Go ahead, applaud it.  I'm awesome, I know.  Standing ovation maybe?

I'm pathetic.

I'm thoroughly planning on changing the way I work though- there's no way I could keep up with what I was doing before.  It wasn't bad for the whole "climbing the ladder" situation, but there's gotta be priorities.  And those have suddenly taken a dramatic turn. *blush

Ps- don't tell anyone, but I totally asked one of my co-workers who knows about the IVF about her daycare.  Too soon?  (Resounding, "Yes, One Day. Yes, too soon psycho.  You're four and a half weeks along!")  I couldn't help myself...it seems like the cutest little in-home day care center (which she talks about ALL. THE. TIME. particularly around the time when I couldn't bear to even think about babies or a future of us actually having a family) and apparently they take infants and everything.  Ok, slow down, slow down.  Sorry...

This could be devastating. Or amazing.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


I'm just sitting around waiting all the time now.  I can't just "do" things...I'm always thinking about it.  Monday can't come fast enough to find out if we're continuing to increase appropriately.  If the luckies are still growing.  And then I'll just be waiting for the ultrasound to make sure that they're in the right place, doing the right thing (and whether it's lucky or luckies).  And then I'll just be waiting for the ultrasound to hear a heartbeat(s)!  Oh...I hope that we'll be waiting for that day! 

B leaves tomorrow.  He'll be gone all week next week...and I'll be back at work.  Two things I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I've got to make sure I'm not stressing out all the time and I have to (I mean HAVE to) make sure I'm eating throughout the day and not starving myself because I don't have enough time.  Priorities.

I went to Dr. Z's office yesterday to pick up a sample of a different progesterone suppository.  I was just so irritated by the massive amount of leakage- I mean how can I got to work like that?  Pads weren't working...it was gonna be a hot mess.  She gave me two boxes of a different brand- this one doesn't need to be refrigerated and it's not oily.  It's a hard tablet.  I like it a lot better, but she said it's more expensive.  I'm going to go through the whole sample before I ask her to call in the new prescription...hopefully it's not ridiculously overpriced. 

Did anyone else's doctor not continue to monitor estrogen and progesterone after a positive HCG?  I asked yesterday whether they got a prog. count and the blood drawer said no.  They check after the transfer one time and then don't check anymore.  That seems strange to me based on what I've read...what if the suppositories aren't working as well as the PIO shots?  I'm sure I'm worrying over nothing, but is this standard protocol?

Oh Monday can't get here soon enough...but I also wish it wouldn't come.  I'm not looking forward to trying to fit into my work clothes with all of this IVF bloat. Lovely.  I'll take it any day though, as long as it makes me (and keeps me) pregnant!

Friday, March 18, 2011


I'm in shock! Could I possibly get two good phone calls in a row from Dr. Z's office?  I mean, with this cycle...I think I've had like 10 good phone calls in a row now.   Please don't let our luck be running out. 

This is too exciting...I'm too happy...

Oh lord, I'm worried.

448 at 15dpo, or 10dp5dt.  That's a doubling time of about 35 hours!

I asked the nurse with a "just curious" kind of tone what she thought that meant as far as how many...she said with those numbers, not twins. Not what I thought I'd hear based on what I've read but whatevs. I don't care.  But please let there be at least one that can make it.  I'll be happy with one, two, whatever is supposed to be for us.  Just please let this be real.

Oh luckies...I'm just so proud. So, so proud.

So nervous!

That reckless optimism went out the door about 45 minutes after we found out about the HCG level... I wish I didn't have to say that.  Do normal women take pregnancy tests and just get excited and stay excited?  I sure hope not...Hopefully everyone has to think "what if" every single moment of every single day.  Ok, that's mean.

I'm still testing every day because I'm psychotic and it helps me.  But this morning, for the first time, the test line is DARKER than the control line.  Both are dark beautiful pink lines, but that pregnancy line stands out with all its glory.  Oh this made me feel so much better!  That's got to mean progress...just hopefully enough progress. 

I still constantly think about the last time and how we didn't double "appropriately" even though my HCG was going up...and they pulled me off of everything.  I will never let that happen again without a second opinion.  If my HCG is rising...I'm going to continue to stuff estrogen and progesterone in me via any orifice I can find (I'm imagining progesterone ear plugs...).

Please, pleeeease let it double today!  I just want to go into the weekend thinking "what if" on the other side...what if this actually works out.  My heart flutters...

My abdomen sure isn't "normal", that's for sure.  I have no nausea (which makes me nervous...I know, I'm neurotic), but I have plenty of pain in my abdomen. Plenty. That makes me feel much better actually...bring on the pain!  My bladder is on fire, anytime it gets remotely full it screams at me.  Any sort of jostling hurts; I'm talking taking a step, sitting down, coughing or laughing.  I'm guessing this is still my adhesions talking to me...letting me know that they've been the star of the show for almost ten years and how dare I go and try to push them out of the way. 

But I'll take it.  I'll take anything if it allows this to keep going.  For these two luckies to keep growing. Please keep growing!  Don't go anywhere, I couldn't bear it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I feel like crying...


Yep, happy tears.  Happy tears haven't ever been correlated with my reproductive system, but today...oh today.

Beta HCG 8dp5dt (13dpo)...



Yeah, you read that right.  That's a 1 in front of that 75.  I'm pregnant!!!!!  I'm really, really pregnant! And there aren't any quotations around it...just PREGNANT!

Go here.

Now come back and get excited.  I'm so flippin excited!

B and I cheated and took a test this morning :

Look at those two beautiful pink lines!  That test line isn't even a faint line! (It's still lighter than the control line with an HCG of 175 though...pee sticks are torturous).

Oh my gosh this reckless optimism is such a beautiful thing.  I'll regret it tomorrow as I'm worrying about the "doubling time"...but today, oh today.  What an amazing, beautiful today!

By the way...Dr. Z called to give me the news.  It was so hard to wait for that phone call.  I kept checking my phone because I was so worried I don't get good enough service in my house.  And then finally, the call came.  He was on speaker phone...he said "This is good...this is really good. Your number is 175!"  I flipped out, I was squealing I'm pretty sure.  And then I hear this huge applause.  And then probably 10 ladies yell "Congratulations!".  He had the whole office come into the room to tell me the news.  All of the nurses and staff were in there shouting things like "We knew this time would be different." and "This one HAD to be it!".  It was such an amazing phone call.  I cried...I giggled...I think I might have peed myself.

Luckies...thank you, thank you, thank you!  Keep growing little ones.  Keep on growing.

**if you happen to know us outside of bloggy land in real life...please don't tell anyone.  we've got a long way to go.  thanks!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

7dp5dt...tomorrow, tomorrow

I can't believe it's tomorrow!!!  I'm so nervousscaredworriedexcitedhopefulinsane.

 Phenomenon #1:  The progesterone injections don't really hurt too much anymore! This is such an interesting phenomenon...I don't remember if it happened last time.  Apparently, my ass has gotten used to progesterone in oil!  Lovely!  It still stings at first and then it feels like I got kicked by a donkey once...but that's sooo much better than the royal beating I'd been taking.  I started using traveen anti-inflamatory cream and that totally helped but I don't even use it anymore! LOVELY!

Phonemenon #2:  I started feeling totally normal.  I mean, really...like I hadn't even been through IVF hell.  My body was totally behaving itself.  Yesterday I got just a teensy bit nauseous one time after I ate this creamy risotto...but it went a way really fast after I drank some water.  This phenomenon of feeling good made me sad...I was hoping for some big time symptoms, of course.  But then today I woke up and felt like my abdomen was becoming distended again...like OHSS was coming back or something.  I have some pain up under my ribs and I'm SUPER light headed again everytime I stand up.  I mean, everytime.  It's brutal.  I've had a couple of headaches...who knows why, but it makes me feel better to not feel great. :) haha...such a phenomenon of IVF.

So today I'm hopeful.  And tomorrow...I hope changes our lives forever.  And I mean forever.  No more of this changing our lives for a few days to then be horribly crushed for months and then have to pick up the pieces and not let it ruin our lives.  None of that this time, ok luckies? 

This was me the day before beta last time... I love the idea of that. Of just having the day to be way too excited if it works or really really sad if not. It didn't work out...we had that 12 HCG that made it impossible to just be super optimistic or just be super sad.  This is where I learned the definition of cautious optimism.  But I really, really, reeeeeeally want to just be wrecklessly happy or wrecklessly not happy tomorrow.  I know that that's wreckless.  And I know that even if we get a positive beta, bad things can happen. Oh how I know this.  But I'm going to enjoy it if we get the gift of a positive.

Then, later...I'll remember cautious optimism.  But not tomorrow.  Hopefully not tomorrow.

So say a little prayer for us tonight...for our luckies.  Little ones- tonight's your night.  Go ahead and make yourself known!  This is your time to shine...I'll be here cheering you on.  We love you! Keep on growing!!!

Monday, March 14, 2011

New Appointment Date, and thinking of a dear friend

First, I need to send some love to a very dear friend of mine. We went to school together...she's an absolute superwoman. Seriously, if you met her...you'd know.

I just found out that she just had a very scary ruptured ectopic pregnancy- lost a fallopian tube after much internal bleeding. She's such a warrior but I know that this has to be incredibly hard for her. What a devastating loss. Please, please send some positive thoughts/prayers/vibes to my friend. I know she's been following my journey through this blog and she's so supportive, even when this time needs to be about her. Please know I'm thinking about you, C- I'm so, so sorry. All my love. Please let me know what I can do for you.

The change in my appointment date...
I'll start by saying, I'm SUCH a diva.  I remembered that our last cycle was EXACTLY the same timing during the week as this one.  Retrieval on Thursday. Transfer on Tuesday. Beta on a Thursday.  Which means...those of us who know the UBER importance of the "doubling time" for a positive beta...you don't get to know if it's increasing, decreasing, or doubling until the next MONDAY if your clinic won't do weekend betas. 

My clinic doesn't do weekend betas.

And B leaves on Sunday.

So I'm sitting here thinking about how I can't wait til Thursday...I'm feeling like maybe, just maybe, we'll get a beta that's actually considered relatively normal (not 12...).  I mean, our luckies had such a different "quality" compared to P&D...that's got to give us a better chanceon the beta front, right? (I keep telling myself as I'm sitting here with really NO pregnancy symptoms to help me out).  But then I think that maybe my betas are just low...and it will come back with like a 20 or something that's not great even if it's positive.  And then that next beta is CRAZY important again.

And I can't handle 1) waiting all weekend for a quadruple doubling rather than waiting two days for a doubling beta report and 2) B leaves on Sunday so then he'll be gone when we get the results. 

And I'm a weak, weak little diva. I need my B to hold my hand.

So I called Dr.Z/L's office (I gotta figure out who my f'ing doctor is) and started with "I've got a really melodramatic request".  Haha.

They brought Jen, my nurse, on the phone who scolded me with "you know we choose 9dp5dt for a reason.  Why are you asking?"  So then I told her my little drama and she said that they could do it for me as long as I understand that the number will be lower.

Oh honey, I understand beta hell all too well.  (Refer to new addition on my sidebar chronicalling IVF #1...I hadn't been able to do this until very recently.  I hadn't even looked at "how far along I was" type stuff until very recently.)

SO...drumroll...divaness wins again!  We have our beta at 8dp5dt on Wednesday morning at 8:45 now.  So IF it comes back positive we can do the follow-up on Friday rather than the following Monday.  That's a big IF, I know.  I hate if.  Everything about that word. 

Anyway, so, two more days.  I can do two more days!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

5dp5dt, the waiting continues

I'm just so ansy. UUUUGH.  But it will be here shortly.  Thursday.  Oh Thursday.

B and I went down to my parents house tonight for dinner and to see the family.  My niece and nephew are so friggin cute...little E looked up at B with his big blue eyes and begged in a way too high pitched voice: "Will you play hide and seek with me???" 

There is no resistance to such pleas.

I got to talk about the "what ifs" today with the family, one of my favorite things to do.  It's one thing to day dream all day long alone about what we'll do if we actually get and stay pregnant...but talking about it is just so lovely.  Even if it doesn't happen this time, it's so nice to think that maybe, just maybe.

Have I mentioned that B will be going out of town a few days after we find out the "outcome" of this cycle... for a whole week? Yeah, One Day's not too happy. But I'm really proud of him for being such a big shot and all that our company needs to send him across the country, so I guess I'll be fine.  But if it's a not so good outcome I'll be super sad he's leaving me.  And if it's a good outcome I"ll be super sad he's leaving me.  Woops, sorry B.  You have to deal with the wrath no matter what. ;)

Today I'm feeling pretty normal.  I had a couple of twinges earlier, and maybe a teensy bit of a headache/nausea for like 2 minutes when I was out grocery shopping.  Nothing really to speak of.  The ladies are sore, but I'm on so much progesterone and estrogen that my body is convinced it's preggo even if it's not...so there's no point.

ps- I got a facial yesterday and the woman actually took a needle to my face.  I have red spots all over my face now where she was "digging for dirt" or something. Gross.  Apparently I will be incredibly grateful I did this in a day or two.  I friggin better be.  If these red spots are still on my face in a day or two I'm marching my ass right down there to show her just how "maybe pregnant" I can really be.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

4dp5dt! The POAS debate...

Oh man, please let the 2ww be OVER. How do we do this? It's such cruel and unusual punishment.

So B and I had a talk last night about POAS. I feel that:

1) I'd rather find out before I get a phone call from a doctor when B's at work.
2) I'd rather not have to CALL B to let him know whether or not our lives are changed dramatically and our dreams have come true (or not).
3) I really really really reallllllly can't wait until Thursday to know.

Ok, that third reason is just a little pathetic but it's so true.

His arguments were:

1) If we take a test early and it's negative I'm gonna get super depressed earlier than necessary.
2) If we test early and it's false negative I'm gonna get super depressed and possibly hurt what could be a viable pregnancy.
3) If we test early and it's positive he won't really believe it anyway until we get an actual confirmation from the doctor.

To which I say, good point, I guess, I kinda see where you're coming from but at the same time, pleeeeaaaseeee? Please please?

I know I'll get super depressed if we test on Thursday morning before the appointment, but if we test maybe on Tuesday...there's still a chance that it will be FALSE negative if it's negative, so I could trick myself into still being ok, but at the same time guard myself for the possibility of a really hard day on Thursday. Ya know? B's pretty much ok with whatever I decide, he wanted to play devil's advocate which is good.

I don't know. I'm torn. So, that's where you come in! Tell me your thoughts on the POAS debate! Everyone has their opinions and their reasons. Have you POAS and found a false negative? I haven't ever heard of a false positive during IVF after about 5dp5dt...but if that's happened, let me know because that would be AWFUL. Are you POASing this cycle or did you last time? Why?

Friday, March 11, 2011

3dp5dt Updates!

Got the email from our doctor's office last night that my estrogen and progesterone levels are great!  No changes to the meds (still living in that alternate universe from the last time!). That means no progesterone suppositories yet!!!  Yet!  They also gave me my numbers again, which I love.  I guess last time my estradiol was around 340...yesterday it was 955!  And last time my progesterone was 33.  Yesterday it was over 40 (that's all they told me, but I'm happy!)

Symptoms update:  Turn away if you're that "ew that's gross" type...  I've been having some "tummy troubles" lately.  Since the retrieval my stomach hasn't really liked me.  I mean, with my endo my stomach's never really liked me per say.  But it's gotten worse. "Irregular" comes to mind.  But then my stomach woke up again last night.  But it wasn't pretty.  Here:

Sorry mom...totally unlady-like.

So last night my stomach was not very nice.  But I woke up this morning and I'm feeling much better.  Obviously the gas pains have gone away which is good! Ew, that's gross.  Sorry.

So I'm also up and at them today, which I've missed.  I know I totally didn't need to stay down for three days after the transfer, but it makes me feel better.  I started getting up a bit more yesterday, but today I'm ready and raring to go!  Get me outta here! 

I have an acupuncture appointment later today that I'm really excited about.  Especially now that I feel so much better.  But I gotta admit, I'm a little off still in a way.  Not quite nauseas, but a little bit light headed.  I hope that's a good thing.  The cramping has pretty much gone away, I so hope that was implantation cramping. Pleaseeee?

I'm also done with the Dostinex thank GOODNESS! Hopefully OHSS doesn't creep up on me later- Dr. L said I have to watch out for it around the time of our pregnancy test, that's when it could pop up if it hasn't yet.  But I'm thinking no.  Don't you agree?

Alright, time to be somewhat productive.  I think I might organize the guest room...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

A Lovely, Lovely Post!

Oh, yes. Yes yes yes.  I'm about to type these words that are just so exciting to me...I can't even explain it.  This is probs the most exciting thing for me to write next to the big "I'm the P word" announcement!

We have EIGHT frozen embies.  EIGHT! 

I'm gonna let you marinate on that one for a bit.


Yes, eight.  That's almost as big of a number as our first beta the last time around :) Remember that?


I'm elated.  Glorious. :)  Maybe a few more smileys will really get the point across.  :) :) :)  I mean, no, I don't think they're doing it justice.

What a great feeling.  The embryologist said that they're all grade 2...but one of them was already hatching.  This is such a hopeful feeling.  The last time, when we went from 17 to 11 to 2...with nothing left to freeze, it was so much pressure on that cycle.  It had to work...or we'd have to start all over...and now with the knowledge that my eggs are for some reason doomed and full of despair.  A fate that I know too many of us have had to face.  And we did. But what an unexpected and blessed outcome.  We are so blessed.  EIGHT!

As for our two most important things in the world, our two luckies who are working their hearts out right now...I'm trying to stay positive.  I have no reason to be negative...everything went so much better this time.  SO much better.  There's no reason to be negative...and yet, here I am doubting.  Of course. That's how it works, right?  I can't give it all away, I'm too scared to get hurt again.  But...I have great hope in these two luckies and I have SO much hope in our eight.  Our blessed eight!

Ok- so now on to some more lovely stuff. 

First- I'm watching Michael Jackson's "This Is It" right now, for the third time...and I feel like crying.  Ok, don't freak out- I know how weird that sounds.  But I heart Michael Jackson.  I didn't know him as a person or anything, and I can't comment on his lifestyle or wardrobe choices, but my God this man was so friggin talented.  Amazing. 

I just needed you to know that about me.  It's the damn truth.  And these babies WILL have rhythm.  Oh, it'll be there, and it'll be beautiful.

Second- I woke up at 2am this morning and haven't been able to go back to sleep yet.  Ugh.  I woke up to go to the bathroom and then the cramps started.  They scared the bejeebus out of me and I couldn't do anything but constantly think about what was happening. Why was I cramping?  And it wasn't just those short bursts of cramps that I got last time or that I had yesterday.  It was continuous cramping, like one big long uterine contraction or something.  I hated it.  I tried lying in every which direction...I tried listening to music, my relaxation mix, my "crickets in the rain" sounds (yeah, I know...but usually that's a guaranteed winner).  Nope, nothing.  It wouldn't go away.  I was scared.  

So what's lovely about this, you ask? Well, let's look at some theories about this middle of the night scenario:

1) Maybe I have the most sensitive uterus EVER and this was some serious implantation cramping and both of our little luckies were burrowing in at once and they were super aggressive about it- just to make sure that I know they're trying really really hard for their mama.  Thanks little ones!
2) Maybe I've done such a good job of keeping my uterus UBER relaxed and like the "calm seas" that my acupuncturist was explaining to me that it just needed a little exercise.  No harm, no foul...just a little flexing of the muscles to let the luckies know that this is a great place to hang out, a place full of strength and protection. Oh yeah, way to go uterus! Nice job!
3) And if all else fails, I turn to the silver linings (which I hate doing when things are actually bad- like after our ectopic scare and miscarriage ... but I find necessary when there's no answers or no real problems ...yet).

So, silver lining? I got to listen to some Pan.dora in the middle of the night on my new smart phone and had the BEST luck with the music!  I didn't tell you this story about our post-transfer experience:  As soon as the acupuncturist came back to get the needles back in and the "seas calmed", I begged her to let me listen to my own music because the latin salsa that was playing was stressing me out... So she let me put in my headphones before the ear needles were placed.  B had to control my phone because I had needles in my arms and wasn't allowed to turn my wrists.  So I had him go to Pan.dora and choose the Allison Kr.auss station, because good lord it's SO good.  Seriously, rock that out when you need to "calm your seas", uterus or other.  Glorious.  So, he set me up on Allison Krau.ss radio and the first song to come on?

"Somewere Over The Rainbow"- Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Two things that are lovely here.  One, this is such a perfect song for the situation, no?  This will either be the happiest song for me...or I'll cry everytime I hear it in the future. I mean, I'm probably going to cry everytime I hear it in the future no matter what.  This is our luckies' song now.   The second lovely thing is that the video I put up there has spanish subtitles, just in case! How lovely!

So I got to listen to that beautiful song until the wi fi or 4g or whatever cut out.  Then the next song that I listened to, which is so lovely, was this:

She Is Love - Parachute

Beautiful, no?  I had that one on repeat for the rest of the 20 or so minutes because it's so lovely.

So anyway, back to the silver lining...I turn on Pand.ora last night and "She is Love" comes on immediately.  And then what's next?  Oh yes, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow".  It was so nice.  It was like the luckies were saying hi...letting me know they weren't going anywhere.  Or at least that's what my interpretation of this silver lining was.  I do so hope it's true.

I'm having a splendid day other than the lack of sleep and the residual cramping that comes and goes as of now.  I took my last Dostinex last night and I'm so glad, because I was one of the rare lucky ones to get severe dizziness and nauseau on that evil little pill.  And so, with a very fuzzy head, B drove me to Dr. Z's office for my blood draw this morning.  Hopefully that shows good estrogen and progesterone numbers.  Oh, and then B took me to J.amba for some oatmeal and smoothie deliciousness!  Oh yeah baby!

Two days down!!! 2dp5dt (or 7dpo for the non-IVFers)!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Beginning of the 2ww

I'm so lucky that the 2ww is really only 9 days.  It just started and I don't know if I can make it.

I'm lying in bed, staying as horizontal as possible.  I'm trying desperately not to panic about the fact that our darling cat found it necessary to pounce directly onto my stomach twice yesterday.  That's ok, right? Oh geez.

Then I'm trying not to panic everytime I have to go to the bathroom...chanting "please don't fall out, please don't fall out...". 

Dr. L told us as we were leaving the office yesterday that it's like two grains of sand in a peanut butter sandwich.  I would like that analogy if I wasn't so damn certain that it was irreconcilably wrong.  I still can't shake that whole "if the fluid in my uterus fell out just about a week ago, why couldn't these two amazingly important "grains of sand" just fall out too?  I know, I'm like a broken record.  Same deal as the last time.  You all know how it goes...paranoia's the name of the game.

So I'm lying around watching netflix all day, eating a bit of my pineapple (core intact), and some omega 3 walnut trail mix. I ate two huge bowls of my mom's glorious vegetable beef soup yesterday! I got almost as much in my mouth as on my shirt...pretty.

We get the call today about how many we got to freeze. I'm still in utter shock that we have any to freeze at all. What an amazing day :)

Did you catch our new name for these little ones?  They're the luckies.  Our little luckies.  As we were driving to the office yesterday, in the midst of the awkward quiet and stress, I decided we needed to name our "hopefully two" embryos.  Petri and Ducky, my little P & D... now what?  We were thinking of more cartoon characters.  Itchy and Scratchy came up, which I promptly shot down.  There were several others that just weren't fitting.  Then I noticed B's shirt.  It was the same shirt he wore the last time...it's a green shirt with a big "Lucky" on the front...and then "too tough to die" below it. 

I love that.  Luck's a part of it...toughness makes up the rest.  The most. 

So, we went with Lucky as one.  But we couldn't come up with a good name for the other, even after we met our two little ones.  Snickers was something that came up...but then it just sounded like we named our embies after dogs.  Lucky and Snickers.

So, after we got home, as I was typing...I realized they're both our lucky little miracles.  Our luckies.

Cheesey, I know. But I love it. :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

PUPO Baby!!!

Oh yes, we are officially Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise! 

So- honestly, I'm feeling like I'm in some sort of alternate universe. Today's transfer was as nearly OPPOSITE to the last time as I think it could have been.  Basically- to cut to the chase for those who can't sit through the next 5 minutes of my ramblings about the intricate (and fascinatingly lovely) details...it went GREAT!  They transferred two grade one blastocysts (Grade 1 is the best grade at our clinic)! We have four more grade 2 blasts that will be frozen today and two or three others that are "slow" and might make it tomorrow!  OMG, right?!?@?@?  Yeah, I know.  I cried, twice.  This time, happy tears.

Ok- so like I was saying before, it was like an alternate universe. Almost every piece of it was so very different than the last time. Please, come along with me and see...

1. B decided to take the whole day off this time, as did I of course (because I haven't been to work in a week and still have almost two weeks left before I go back...which was the best decision EVER) whereas the last time, we both actually went to work the morning of the transfer to get just a little more done (seriously?)

2. I didn't get the valium in my package of meds and didn't realize until late yesterday so I needed  to call the doctors office to get it, and then of course they can't call in a perscription for valium...it has to be written and signed.  So this morning, B and I went early to Dr. Z's office to get the prescription, then we drove to the pharmacy, got the script filled, then popped that beautiful little pill. The last time, I actually forgot to take the valium until right before we got there which was about 35 minutes before the procedure. I panicked.

3. I'd say the most marked difference was driving to the doctors office.  The last time, B and I were excited, confident.  We had just spent the last two days debating whether we should transfer one or two of our perfect embryos.  We had read all of the pros and cons, and we were fairly certain that two was the right thing for us. We laughed and played. ...This time, the drive to the office was quiet. B and I have spent the last two days in a blur of fear and doubt.  We prayed that there would be any for us to transfer, and we actually talked about whether or not they would have called us if the transfer was gonna be cancelled because of no embryos, or if they would have us come in to tell us in person. We were nervous, sick, and scared.

4. Acupuncture.  We did acupuncture this time...which was glorious.  The acupuncturist called to let me know that he wouldn't be there, his partner Melanie would be doing it.  Our nurse let us know that we'd do about 15 minutes before and 30 minutes after the transfer.

5. Oh, oh oh oh...that first inclination that things would be different.  B and I walked into the doctor's office and I decided that we'd sit on the opposite side of the room than where we usually sit.  Because we sat there, B happened to see our embryologist walk in from a break or lunch or something.  She saw us because we were sitting closer to the door and flashed a double thumbs up and a very excited face.  I freaked out.  I stopped her and said "What??!?!"  "Really?!?!?".  She, luckily, decided it would be ok to let us know right out there in the waiting room that we've got two great ones and a few more to freeze.  I started crying immediately.  I couldn't have been happier. Then, get this, she actually said we'd need to decide between one or two.  She said she'd be happy with two and I nearly cut her off to yell TWO!

6. We went back into that little room to undress and put my pretty gown on.  Then the nurse came in and went through all of the necessary pieces. All was the same...until she said that Dr. L would be coming in to show us our embryos.  I paused.  Wait, Dr. L?  Isn't Dr. Z my doctor?  Nope- today was Dr. L's day.  No one had mentioned that.  I got a little nervous, but then B reassured me that Dr. L did the retrieval and look how it's gone so far.  So I decided that there's nothing I can change- and Dr. L will be right for us.  Plus, I was on valium, so I wasn't too concerned about much.

7. The visit from Dr. L and the embryologist was such a different experience.  They came in while I was covered in needles with our babies first photo.  They looked EXACTLY like they were supposed to!  Oh my gosh, it was amazing. I wasn't sure if we'd ever see a picture like that unless it was of someone else's embies.  But these were ours!  Dr. L said that we were the right candidates for a single embryo transfer and with these blasts there's a 45% chance of twins.  I explained that we had weighed all the pros and cons the last time around, and we were absolutely ready to transfer 2.  I told him we would be happy to have twins, even though we know all of the risks. I couldn't believe I was really having that conversation...it was really happening for us!  Oh man oh man! The last meeting with Dr. Z and the embryologist was incredibly sad.  They even said that it was a long shot, but that we needed to stay positive. I honestly think they would have transferred three if we had 3 the last time.  What a different experience.

8  They took us back to the transfer after our acupuncture session, and it went perfectly according to Dr. L.  He talked us through everything, explaining all of the steps. Very different from Dr. Z.  But the biggest difference was the lack of tears.  During and after our last transfer, tears were streaming down my face as I thought of the two little embryos, our last hopes from that cycle, the ones who weren't even blasts at day 5...grade 2 and grade 3. This time, B and I just watched as they transferred our two perfect blasts...our great hopes for ...dare I say it...TWINS! :)

Oh wow, I have to be really careful here.  I need to guard myself...I know what happens when I get optimistic.  But caustious optimism, that feels really hard right now.  I just want to be excited! But what if? What if this amazing chance turns into...well, just nothing?  Please, please let this work. Please?

To our two little luckies, stay with us.  You've got all of the hope in the world...you've got everything you need.  I'll keep you safe, I promise.  Just stick with us, ok?  We love you. Oh so, so much.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Updates! Day 3 Report

Got a call from the embryologist this morning!

We had 19 eggs fertilized, and out of those 19, we currently have:

9 grade 1
7 grade 2
4 grade 3

Yeah, that's 20. I'm not really sure what the deal is there- and I didn't do the math until after she got off the phone.  But whatever, I'm going with it.

She did mention that out of the grade 1 embryos, 5 are 8 cell.  She didn't go into more detail on the others.

Remember, that the grading scale is regarding "fragmentation".  My clinic uses a 3 point scale, so 1 means there's very little framentation (meaning the cells are dividing normally), 2 means there's some fragmentation, and 3 means there's a little more fragmentation than we'd like to see.  As the cells divide, they leave fragments behind. Too many fragments means something's not normal.

She did say that this is just a snapshot in time and everything could change (grade 3 could turn around to be better graded or grade 1's could turn into grade 3's- like we saw last time).

I begged and pleaded with her again to take super good care of our little ones...I didn't want the same shock on transfer day as last time.  But I can tell you that she never once brought up the "elective single embryo transfer" like she did the last time! Ha!

We've got a lot more to work with this time, but the quality is a little different (actually, a little too similar...).  I'm still super happy, but I think on Day 3 last time we had 11 fertilized, 9 of which were grade 1 (weird), and 2 were grade 2.  No grade 3's.   Day 5 we had no grade 1's, no blasts.  We had one grade 2 and one grade 3... Petri and Ducky.  Petri stuck (I say it was Petri because he was a boy in the Land Before Time...and we found out that ours was a boy...which is still really too much for me to talk about).

Alright, so I'm feeling hopeful and a little scared right now.  Five AWESOME looking embies, 4 really really good, 7 right there in the game, and 4 that are hanging on.  C'mon little ones, I know you can make it this time! I know you've got it in you!!

We're scheduled for a day 5 transfer at 1:15 on Tuesday.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Not for the "ew that's gross" type...

It's a damn shame that people don't talk more about the post-retrieval bloat.  I mean, honestly, who doesn't want to talk about horrific gas pains that radiate up to your shoulders and the ever so pretty extended belly?

From what I've read via the internets, it happens to a whole lot of us.  Why doesn't the doc give us a good ol' heads up?  My post-retrieval instruction paper says nothing of the gas pains, the bloat, the constipation, or the "hurts to the touch belly" that last for days upon days.

But then I see women talking about it all over the place.  We need to stand up and let our voices be heard! My belly hurts to the touch and I can't move it's so bloated!

Ok, maybe no singing from the mountain tops needed.  But maybe a little instruction sheet from the doc would be helpful.  Ladies, what's your best remedy to get rid of this pain that's bulging into my rib cage and radiating up to my shoulders? It feels like after my laparoscopies, yikes!  Are you turning to Gas-X or are you working a little home remedy magic with some prune juice?  What has worked best for your post-retrieval bulging blues?

ps- let's put OHSS aside for this one. If you have such excrutiating pain that you need to head to the hospital or if you're gaining more than a couple pounds a day...you've got more to think about than just benefiber...call your doctor.  It's serious!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Ups and Downs

I guess I'll just start from the beginning and write in order.

28 eggs retrieved yesterday was so amazing! I came home and promptly passed out for about an hour and a half...after getting some oatmeal and a smoothie from Jamba (thanks baby!).  I felt great- they had given me some stuff for the cramping right after the retrieval so all was good and well in my world.

Then about three hours later I started getting the pain.  Oh yes, the pain.  It felt like my stomach was going to burst.  Like I got kicked right in the ovaries.  But it was fine- all well worth it.

Then I drank...a bunch.  No, no- just water.  But a lot of it.  I had some salad and some soup and a ton more water. 

Then I drank some more water.  I mean, they told me to hydrate- and stay hydrated.  I'm an overachiever.  Those of you who are in tune with the body might know where this is going.

Still, I hadn't peed much...and then it was time for the progesterone shot and my nightly concoction of medicine.  I took my Dostinex, my prenatal, my medrol steroid, my folic acid, my antibiotic, my probiotic, my fish oil, my baby aspirin, and my B12.  Then we panicked for a moment because we couldn't remember which size needle to use for the progesterone and B almost tried to convince me it was the 18...which is flippin huge.  Luckily, Dr. Google saved the day and we used the 23.  After a sore bum and my concoction, I drank some more water.  B started cooking steak because they said I need to eat a lot of protein...and I heart steak.  So about 30 minutes later...I start to feel super nauseous.  Like really really nauseated. I chilled out and pretended like I could man up, but could hardly get the steak down I felt so sick.  I ate about 5 bites and went to bed.

Right before I fell asleep, the flood gates opened.  I had to pee.  I came back to bed.  30 minutes later, back to the bathroom.  Back to bed.  An hour later, again with the peeing.  I ended up waking up every hour for the rest of the night.  I peed 8 times from 10:30-6:00am.  Obviously I didn't sleep much. It kept waking me up.

Plus, if you remember from last time, I have severe endo on my ureters and it HURTS when I have to pee.  So that wasn't a fun night. 

Near the morning, I started getting super dizzy and everything got all fuzzy and dark when I would get up.  You know, like when you stand up too fast but it lasted way longer.  Well, the last time I got up before the sun came up, I was really dizzy but I made it from the bed into our bathroom before I completely lost my balance, everything went black, and I fell forward into the wall in front of me.  Luckily, our toilet room is small and the wall wasn't very far away.  I was able to sort of catch myself and sit on the toilet.

I went back to bed because I was super out of it.  Then B got up and left and I couldn't sleep anymore.  I got up again (to pee of course) and I made it to the bathroom before I blacked out again and fell over.  I remember just kind of standing there with my legs buckling, swaying back and forth, and reaching out in front of me. I couldn't see anything. Then, it just went black and I was on the wall.

I crawled back in bed. Laid there for a minute and talked myself out of any serious "what's wrong with me" feelings.  I got up to walk to the kitchen and totally blacked out again, but I didn't fall. I just couldn't see and I was super dizzy.  I gained my balance and made it to the couch.  I tried again a few minutes later, same thing.  I made it to my phone and called B.  He told me to call the doc.  I made it to the computer and I looked up OHSS symptoms...none of which were anything I had experienced. 

I called and told the nurse I had blacked out a couple of times and fell in the bathroom. She got Dr. Z on the phone who said I had to go to the ER. I called B back and he started making his way back home from work.

I stumbled my way into the kitchen to grab some trail mix and a water.  I thought nuts would help. I sat on the couch and ate and drank.  About 20 minutes later, I was feeling a little better and got up...and I only got a little dizzy.  I made it into the bathroom and was feeling ok.  I peed (yet again) and got up without being dizzy this time.  About five minutes later I got up and wasn't dizzy anymore.

I called Dr. Z back but he had gone into surgery, so the nurse took my call and said I still had to go to the hospital.  So B came and made me some eggs, got me a banana and a gatorade, and took me to the hospital. We were in the waiting room when Dr. Z called me back.  At this point I was feeling much better.  I thought it just must of been some crazy low blood sugar or something.  He said I didn't need to go to the hospital...but I  was already there.  Then he said that the Dostinex does have a side effect of blackouts...just rarely.  So he said I should cut back to one every other day.

I decided since I was already registered in the ER I should just been seen.  Big mistake.  We spent the next 6 hours waiting for tests and I was examined all over.  They thought it was my heart, then OHSS, then my blood pressure.  Turns out, my blood pressure went way down when I stood up, even hours later.

So my diagnosis was...I was dehydrated.


Yes, dehydrated.  That's how the doctor explained it to me.  I hate doctors sometimes.  I mean, I told him how much I had peed, I told him that I had drank more yesterday than what's humanly natural.  It's not dehydration.  They gave me IV fluids.  I called my mom who was with our nurse friend who explained that it's dehydration in a sense.  Basically, I drank so much water that I peed out all of my "electrolytes" or sodium.  So I had an electrolyte imbalance.

The ER doctor told me to drink gatorade and not drink so much water. 

Got it.  All that for "drink gatorade".


So, anyway, I'm sitting in the ER in my gown with my EKG monitors all over my chest...when I get another call from Dr. Z's office.  I almost forgot that we were going to find out the fertilization report today!!

Well- it's very, very good news!  Out of the 28 retrieved, 21 were mature.  Two were "intermediate" maturity so they kept those in the bunch and the others were immature.  So they did ICSI on 23 eggs...and drumroll...19 fertilized!!!!!


We had one fertilize abnormally with two sets of DNA and the others didn't make it.  But there's 19 beautiful little ones growing right now!  I told our embryologist that the next hurdle is the 3-5 day "situation" we encountered the last time..."so take really, really good care of them, ok?".  She laughed.

I asked her what we learned from this then, and she said "we learned that you have to do ICSI". Ha. Yeah, got it. There's no way of telling whether it's a sperm problem or an egg problem (I'm putting my money on the egg being the stubborn one...I am the one with all the problems, plus, I had that high FSH number...).  But she said that fertilization naturally is definitely a problem for us.

I hope, hope, hope that this bodes well for their continued growth.  Please keep growing little ones.  Please keep splitting and working your magic!

So I'm sitting here in way too much abdominal pain.  I feel even more like I got kicked by a horse and I'm super bloated.  But apparently, it's not OHSS.  It's just my body's way of saying "I did my job, now you pay".

I'm so, so, so glad! 

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Yep, 28 eggs retrieved this morning at 8:15am. Can you believe it? Love it! I'm so excited that we got so many...I hope hope hope that the ICSI this time gives us a better fertilization rate.  If you remember last time, they got 17 eggs but only 7 fertilized the first day like they were supposed to.  Somehow an extra four fertilized after that, but Dr. Z told us they weren't really on a good track, so 7 out of 17 is not optimal fertilization...thus the ICSI this time.

Now, the other side of this is that last time my estrogen levels right before retrieval were around 1600.  This time, they were 3200 (two days ago)!  So that means the eggs we do have are more mature, or more viable...or at least making their presence known more to my body.  They say that it should be about 200 per mature egg for estrogen levels (which makes sense with only getting 7 fertilized the last time).  So I'm thinking we're looking at about 16 fertilized this time...hopefully!!! Oh my gosh that would be amazing. AMAZING.

The hard part is what happens after fertilization.  I was so happy and naive the last time around when we had 11 fertilized and looking good at day 3.  We actually started talking about transferring 1 instead of 2.  I thought all was well and we'd for sure get to freeze at least a couple.  Fail.  On day 5 we ended up with one low grade and one very very low grade...basically they both looked like day 4 on day5...all of the others were still sitting in day 3 zone...on day 5. :(   ICSI doesn't help with that.  Nothing helps with that.  After 3 days, the embryos have to survive "on their own" basically, they can't fall back on anything. It's either that they're strong enough to divide and make it to blastocyst glory or not.  Ours weren't going for gold...except for one.  One beautiful little slow embryo who made it to blast AFTER they transferred him into me...after they counted him out.  He made it to blast, he even snuggled into my uterine lining.  He stayed there, he held on with everything he had, through everything we put him through.  Stopping the progesterone and estrogen, methotrexate... twice, cytotec...everything.  He still hung on.  We finally had to let go...but I'll never forget our embryo...our baby, who tried so hard. 

Starting over is hard in a way.  I haven't really let go of that- you can see it in the way I write I think.  I'm too scared of letting myself get happy.  This cycle has been amazing, really.  Women would die for a cycle like this.  Yeah, there have been some ups and downs so far- uterine fluid, OHSS possibilities...but I mean, 28? That's amazing.  Yet I'm sitting here thinking of our little one- all of the ones we lost.  How excited I was, and how incredibly defeated I was. Over and over again.

I was blissfully naive then. I thought if you had great embryos on Day 3, you'd have great embryos on day 5.  I even thought if they retrieved 17...you'd end up with something to freeze...anything to freeze.  Now I know that I'm living on borrowed optimism.  Stolen optimism really.  Who knows what's going to happen. 

But I'll think of our little one and know that anything is possible.  Anything.  There's hope in that...along with worry, fear, and doubt.  There's still hope. 28...amazing!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

pullin' the trigger...

We triggered last night at 9:15.  We were watching Family Guy and luckily B looked at the clock at 9:14...yikes.  Does that already make me a bad mother? Probably.  But c'mon, Family Guy is glorious!

So the shot didn't hurt at all again, I love that.  The stim shots definitely burn as they're going in.  I rubbed it right afterward to help the medicine disperse and then I put some heat on it for a bit.  That's what the instruction paper told me to do, so I did it.  I can't remember whether I did that last time or not, but I did it.

Well, I woke up at 4am and it was really sore in the injection site.  I felt it and had a rather large knot under my skin right where the HCG went in.  So, of course, I panicked.  I've got more hormones in my body than what's natural and apparently finding a lump under your skin where the all important HCG was suppose to disperse is the biggest f'ing deal ever at 4am.  My heart actually started racing.

I went to the bathroom and tried to tell myself that it did disperse, it just made a nice little knot under my skin because that's how it works with HCG.  Somehow I fell back asleep until 6:30.  At which point I woke up and felt again...still there, but a little smaller. 

Then at 7am, then 7:30.  B got up and went to work.  I tried to stay asleep...to no avail.  Finally at 8:15 I got out of bed.

So the knot is much smaller now, it still hurts.  I called Dr. Z's office to ask about it and left a message. 

Paranoia much?

I'm guessing this is perfectly fine.  I honestly can't for the life of me remember the last time.  Maybe it did this exact thing and it wasn't a big deal.  Or maybe it was supposed to dissipate and it didn't and they're going to retrieve a bunch of immature follicles because the HCG didn't get to them...

I'm a mess.  Thank God B hasn't left me.

Anyway- I'm really not too scared, I just want to make sure.  Other than that things are going well!  Feeling cautiously optimistic :)

Oh wait- did I tell you that Dr. Z isn't doing my retrieval???  Yeah, mini panic crisis from yesterday.  Dr. Z let us know that he has jury duty and Dr. L will be doing our retrieval.  I almost started crying immediately.  I'm hormonal.    F.

He saw the sheer terror in my eyes and assured me that he would never leave me with someone he wasn't 100% confident in.  He said it took him 6 years to find a partner that was good enough.  I met Dr. L in the hallway about a month ago. He just joined the practice right after our last IVF debacle, so I'd never met him before.  It was super awkward, one of those "oh hey, I'm Dr. L! I work here now...let me shake your hand while other women are walking through so we have to move over and get out of the way...you just got violated in the other room? Great! So great to meet you!"

He seemed nice enough.  But nice doesn't cut it when you're extracting unimaginably fragile follicles from my ovaries.  But, alas, I can't change it.  I asked my acupuncturist about him and apparently he's fantastic.  He worked at another practice around town (the place we went for our first opinion) after he moved here from somewhere like Virginia or something... he's been doing this for a while and honestly, Dr. Z would be an idiot to bring on someone who could lower his ridiculously good success rates.  So I guess I'm ok with it. 

I did, however, ask Dr. Z if he "knew" about us.  Whether he "knew" about the last round and whether he "knew" we weren't "normal".  Dr. Z kind of laughed and said yes but then he said "I wouldn't say you're not normal" at which point I think I gave him the death stare and repeated, "oh, we're not normal. Oh no, not normal. We're ok with that. We've accepted it."  He laughed. I just stared.

My lord, I'm one of those people. 

Whatever, if anything even remotely similar to the last round happens again I'm going to burn that...ok, nevermind. I'll just be very disappointed.  Big girl words, use my big girl words.

This cycle is going oh so differently and I'm very happy about that.  I'm feeling a little hormonal and this is definitely a better place to let loose than at my husband...my poor, innocent, victim of a husband.

Ok- I'm going to a baseball game today! An old friend from college is in town with her husband for spring training.  So we're going to go watch him play!  Oh, and I went and saw "No Strings Attached" yesterday with my best friend...and it was lovely.  I hate to admit that because I'm just such a sap for chick flicks and most of the time that's not a good thing to say about someone...but it's damn true and this one was particularly good in my book.  It could be the hormones, but I wanted to jump right into this move and roll around in it.  It was...lovely.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Updates, updates!

Just came back from Dr. Z's and acupuncture.  So, obviously we didn't trigger last night.  They called me at 4pm yesterday (I know, I was waiting around all day by my computer for that email!) to let me know that they're pleased with the "slow down" of my stim and my estrogen increased but not too significantly, so we're good to go with triggering tonight.  Retrieval on Thursday. 

  • Fluid is GONE!!!!!!  Yep,  you heard it right! It's not on my cervix or anything, it's gone.  I'm still a little skeptical that it won't return because cautious optimism is better than plain ol' optimism according to past experience, but honestly I'm super pleased. Thanks for all the good vibes!!!
  • My estrogen went up to 2283 and my progesterone was at 1.37 yesterday (compared to something ridiculous like the low 1000's last cycle and .65 progesterone).
  • Dr. Z measured 24 follicles that were right on today, but he said there were more he just wasn't going to measure. Yikes! I'm stoked!
  • I got a prescription for Dostinex because Dr. Z is worried about OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation). I start it tonight along with my HCG trigger shot and then take it for 8 days every day.  He wants to minimize some of the OHSS symptoms before they start.  Right now I'm feeling exactly the same as last time- lots of pain in my abdomen, like stretching pain, and it hurts to sit down.  It also hurts a lot more when I have to go to the bathroom or after I've eaten anything.  But I wasn't hyperstimulated last time- that's probably from the stage 4 endo and all of the scar tissue and adhesion being moved around.
  • I'm nervous about this drug.  The pharmacist was ridiculous and had to go pull out his smart phone to learn about it because he'd never seen it before.  He then proceeded to read me everything that was written on his "app" about it.  Like- will cause dizziness, impaired motor functions, and may cause depression.  Yeah, thanks.  Dr. Z wasn't too happy with that pharmacist when I asked him about it this morning.
  • I'll find out soon (hopefully) what time my trigger is tonight!
Anyone have any experience with Dostinex? 

I'm feeling excited and slightly anxious.  Aw, the key emotions of IVF... I know you too well.