Tuesday, April 26, 2011


We're closing in on double digits here people!!! I'm so excited and hopeful, but of course there's still that small doubt that lingers- reminding me of what could happen.  We haven't reached that 12 week breathe easier time, but we're getting closer. 

I wish I felt better so I could share more about the good things that are going on with this pregnancy! I can't fathom sitting up most of the time, let alone typing anything.  But I wanted to update with just a little piece of the happiness that is our beautiful pregnancy. 

We went back to the doctor's yesterday and everything looks great with the little luckies! They're growing right on schedule or a little ahead and their heart rates are strong! Both were 181 yesterday! But the best part was when we zoomed in on little B...we got to see a wave! Yep- he or she waved at us right as we zoomed in.  One little arm, swaying side to side just for a bit.  It was the most amazing thing.  That was actually an ARM!  Crazy.

So while I came home and had to let the nurse back into my house to set up my second five day round of IV fluids- then lay down in the middle of the process because my blood pressure dropped to 94/52...I just remember my little lucky waving at me.  "Hi Mom!"  I know this is all worth it, so very, very worth it.  Both of our babies are growing strong, and I'm helping with every infusion, every bagel, every cracker.  I'm doing everything I possibly can...and I feel good about that.  I'll be here for you luckies, I'll keep pushing!  But you have to, too.  Keep growing little ones.  We love you!

Now, before I go, I need to mention one thing.  And he's gonna think I'm just buttering him up or just "saying this"...but you all need to know the most important piece to this pregnancy.  The only thing that's getting me through, that's keeping these little ones healthy.  It's my B.  Without him and the unbelievable amount of work and effort he's putting in to help us...I don't know where we would be right now.  I'm sure you've gathered from my posts that I'm not exactly in the best place physically and that means I can't really do much on my own.  But you have no idea how little I can do on my own right now.  And I kid you not, I couldn't do this without him.  He brings me everything I need- he goes to the store every other day to get something new that I think I might be able to stomach.  He picks up any food at any distance that sounds even remotely appetizing, just to get home and watch me eat one bite and gag.  He picks up after me, brings me my medicine, changes my IV bags, helps me walk to the bathroom when I'm too dizzy to stand.  He comes home from work at a whim when I feel like something's really wrong again...and he does it over and over without the slightest complaint.  He holds my hand and let's me cry on his shoulder.  All the while telling me to make a fist and show him my "tough face" because this is all worth it.  He lets me break when I need to, and then builds me back up again because he knows what's important. He makes me laugh when I think there's nothing I could do but cry. He is my rock and my pillow...he's the most amazing man.  And I'm so lucky that he's the father of my unborn children.  We're all so lucky.

B- thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  You are my world and I couldn't do this without you.  I'm so proud of who you are for this family, and I thank God every day for giving me you. You're going to be such an incredible Dad...and you're the best husband a girl could ask for.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

A Rough Few Days

We've made it over 9 weeks now! I still can't believe that when I read it, but I assure you, it's true.  We've checked...

Thursday was 9 weeks exactly, and we got to finish out week 8 with my first day of in-home IV therapy (and short term disability from work) on Wednesday.  It was a sad moment for me, knowing that it had come to this.  I've got my IV line in my arm as I type this...the only way I can gain any weight.  They're giving me 2 liters a day, one with added vitamins and folate. I can eat some, and I'm not gagging as much these days.  But I'm still struggling to get any protein in...something that the doctor keeps telling me not to worry about.  Our little luckies are getting what they need...they're just taking it from me, leaving me pretty much bed ridden. A fate I'm willing to work with, whatever it takes.

Unfortunately, we rung in our week 9 milestone with some very scary drama.  I woke up Thursday morning at 5am to go to the bathroom and my heart stopped when I looked down.  My panty liner and underwear were soaked with blood.  Some of it looked old, some was bright red.  The toilet paper was red with clots and I froze.  I woke up B and called Dr. F (after I called my mom to figure out whether I should be waking up the doctor or going to the hospital or what...).  Dr. F was amazing, I'm so glad we picked her.  She told me to take 600 mg of Ibuprofen, lay down, drink some water, and call the office at 9am to schedule an ultrasound.  Those 4 hours were brutal.  B and I tried to sleep...tried to stop thinking...start breathing.  None of it really worked.  At 8:58 as I stared at my phone waiting to call, it rang.  It was Dr. F's nurse practicioner.  She asked how I was doing and scheduled the ultrasound for 11:15.  I told her that the bleeding had stopped, now I was just spotting brown.  I felt a little better about that. But I still dreaded that ultrasound.

When we got to the office, everyone was really amazing.  They had me lay down in a room while the ultrasound tech was finishing her last patient.  Then they got us in.  I laid down and held my breath.  The nurse practicioner, Kerrie, came in with us to the u/s and looked on.  As soon as the wand was on my belly we saw both babies...but I couldn't see heart beats.  About 10 seconds later, the longest 10 seconds EVER, the tech said there they are. Both heart beats.  She zoomed in and showed us our little luckies...both of them now moving and wiggling around.  They're both measuring perfect, a little ahead of schedule.  She said heartbeats are exactly where they should be and everything looks great.  They couldn't find the source of the bleed and told us to continue taking the ibuprofen around the clock for the rest of the weekend to help bring down the irritation in my uterus.  I have a follow up u/s and appt on Monday.


The bright red bleeding started again right when I left the office, but it was about time to take the ibuprofen again. After I took it, the bleeding stopped.  It hasn't started again since.  I've been pretty much laying down ever since...so worried that this could be the end yet again.  But the images of our little luckies wiggling around get me through those thoughts.  Thank God for ultrasounds.

The IV fluids have been going pretty well.  I'm one drugged-up mama though.  I remember thinking I would try to make my pregnancy as natural and clean as possible (except for the labor I'm sure).  I would eat organic as often as I could...stay away from everything deemed "no-no".  Well, now I'm on a double dose of Zo.fran every six hours, perscription antacid Pro.tonix every day, IV fluids and vitamins, 600 mg of Ibuprofen every six hours, Mira.lax daily, and yesterday I got to experience my first round of rectal glycerin suppositories.  Joy.  And no, it didn't do it's job very well.  It's been 9 days now with nothing if you know what I mean.  Yikes.

Oh, and all I eat is simple carbs.  No whole grains for me.  White bagels.  Saltine crackers. Plain white pasta. That's it. Oh, and doc told me to have a little caffeine to try to get my bowels started...so I've had a coke now too.  These babies are gonna come out hating all vegetables, proteins, or whole grains. 

I do eat about an apple every day. This is my small victory.

I had lost ten pounds by Wednesday morning (in about 4 and a half weeks).  I'm now up 4 lbs from that, so we're making progress!!! The dizziness and light headedness are starting to become more manageable as well. Let's hope we're on the up and up!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

And We Have a Winner!!

We've chosen our OB!  Dr. F, the high risk MFM OB.  She was great, the whole office was really pretty lovely.  We got to have another ultrasound and it made me feel so much more comfortable!  Babies are doing wonderfully- and the heart rates really perked up to make mom feel better!!  Baby A's hb was 178, Baby B was 181!!!  I found out that we get an ultrasound at every appointment because of the twins so I'm super excited about that.  We have our next appointment for three weeks from now, so I, being the spoiled drama queen that I am, mentioned that was a long time to wait.  :)  So, Dr. F said we can come in the middle just for an ultrasound!!!! I love this doctor!!!  We go in on April 25th.

I keep telling myself I'll post when I can get to scanning in the photos, but that would be the death of this blog.  So as soon as I can actually handle walking into another room when I don't actually HAVE to, then I'll consider posting some pics.  Until then, I'll continue typing from bed. 

Yes- the morning sickness has gotten quite a bit worse.  I've lost about 8 pounds in the last four weeks.  I'm throwing up from time to time and dry heaving pretty much every other minute.  I have a bag in my car and one next to me in bed.  I spend about 30% of the time I'm at work in the bathroom...and that's when I actually make it into work. Yikes.  It's all so very, very worth it. But holy wow.  It's really pretty bad.  I cry a lot.  I'm still on Zo.fran, and they doubled the dose.  But it's just getting worse.  I hope it doesn't last after the first trimester (if God willing these little ones are still healthy).

I'm glad to know that everything is going well in there.  I'm super nervous that I'm not nourishing them enough.  I'm trying, but can't seem to stomach anything.  I gag whenever I put something in my mouth.  Yum.

My birthday is on Monday.  Don't really think we'll be celebrating the birthday much.  Just celebrating these little lives all the time.  ...celebrating from bed. :)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

OB Appointments!!

I still can't believe we graduated from the RE!  B and I didn't have an OB because my gyns were my surgeons, neither of them did OB.  So we're on the hunt for the best OB in the area...and with the twins, I'm looking for high risk (on top of all the other stuff). 

We have two appointments next week.  One with a perinatologist who actually delivers- this one really only does high risk, we'll call her Dr. F.  Then Dr. C is on Thursday and she's a standard OB who does high risk as well.  We'll see what comes of both of these. 

I have no idea what the first appointments will be like.  Will we get an ultrasound??? I hope so, I'm nervous that Twin A's heartrate was too low.  Of course I'm nervous.  But I'm still wicked sick, so I know something good is going on in there. I just hope it's some good growing by both of our little ones.

The Zo.fran is the only way I'm able to function at this point.  As soon as I wake up I take it, and it takes about 30 minutes to kick in.  Those 30 minutes are touch and go...I can't really move without feeling like I'm gonna hurl.  Then the medicine makes me dizzy and gives me a headache, but I'll take that over the nausea anyday.

We're 7w2d today! I can't believe how far we've made it!!!  Keep growing luckies!!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

TWO heartbeats!

We've got two! Two beautiful little heartbeats :)

Twin A's heartbeat (the one who wasn't quite there yet last week) was 117 bpm.  Twin B's heartbeat was 128 bpm.

We actually got to hear them, which was amazing.  They're so little and soft, but fast.  It's amazing to think that's real- in this very moment it's really happening.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow...but right now we have two little heartbeats.  Keep growing luckies!

Now, my weak little infertile heart still has trouble...Dr. Z said that Twin B measured 6w1d. We were 6w4d yesterday and B was measuring 5w6d almost a week before that.  I can't remember what he said about Twin A...I was too distracted by the heartbeat.  Dr. Z said everything is perfectly fine and as long as they're within 1 week of where they're "supposed" to be it's all good. And 117 for Twin A seems a little low, but doc said it's fine. Like I said, my weak little infertile heart can't keep up.  I still worry. 

Have you heard that before? Is it ok to only grow that much in six days? Is 117 high enough for 6w4d?

The nausea definitely bit me hard this weekend...I asked Dr. Z what I could do since I was losing more weight and gagging everytime I ate anything.  He told me:
1) try sniffing alcohol pads  ...  (??)
2) lemon drops (not the drink unfortunately...)  ;)
3) here's a prescription for zo.fran

I took that magic little pill the second we picked it up from the pharmacy.  It's like night and day! Now...I still feel nauseous, like I'm car sick.  And I've got a headache like I'm dizzy.  But I'm not on the verge of throwing up every five seconds.  I didn't dry heave at all yesterday after I took it!  I'll take that improvement any day!

Oh yeah...we graduated yesterday!!!  Dr. Z's office said goodbye to us and we're off to a real OB.  They literally said goodbye- the entire office came out and hugged both of us (including the pretty receptionist...I think B liked it... just kiddin b!). They clapped and begged us over and over to come back in with the belly and then with the babies!  It was surreal and amazing.  I actually cried a little bit.  They all said that we've been through so much and we deserve this... I just can't believe it's happening.  We've been through a lot in that office, that's for sure. 

The pic that we got yesterday was pretty blurry unfortunately, but I'll try to post it later.  They're so cute! And teeny!  Apparently the luckies are almost the size of blueberries!  hmmm...blueberries actually sound kinda good.  Oh no! I don't have any! I think I need to run to the store- this NEVER happens!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Out of Commission...

1. Infertility/pregnancy loss does not make nausea any less...nauseous. 

2. IF/pg loss DOES however make it feel pretty worth it.  Now, I can't compare it to anything...I haven't known morning(noonandnight) sickness without knowing IF/pg loss, so I can't say that it feels more worth it or anything.  But I can say that it feels good to know that at least SOMETHING is going on in there!  Because there's absolutely no way something's not growing with the way I feel right now.  Wow.

3. Saltines help...but not enough. Gingerale is the same.

4. My acupuncturist said that most of his pregnant patients started m/s around 7 weeks.  My SIL started around 9 weeks.  Apparently, 5 and a half weeks sounds much better to my little ones.  Twins, maybe?

5. All three women who I work directly with and who know about the IVF did not have any sort of morning sickness with any of their pregnancies.  They aren't much help when I have no idea what to do between running to the bathroom or making it to that crucial 11:00 meeting...

6. Although I run to the bathroom really pretty frequently, I have yet to actually throw up.  I dry heave about 3 times per day.  This is a weird phenomenon to me.  Now, "yacking" as my wonderful B calls it, isn't really a natural response for my body.  I fight it with everything I have.  My brain says "absof'inglutely not...you're not getting anything to go the opposite direction as long as I have anything to say about it".  My stomach says "you gotta be f'ing kidding me...whatever is in her stomach right now must come out...MUST".  So they settle on the Big D.  oh yes.  the big D. 

7. I've lost three pounds.  All the books I've read say that twin pregnancies really need a pound of weight gain per week...but of course I know not to get down on myself for this.  I'm sure I'll be able to gain the weight when I need to as long as all goes well in there... keep growing luckies!!! Both of you!!!

8. I feel like I'm on one of those spinny roller coasters that won't stop.

9. It's worth it.  Knowing that things are ok...it's very much worth it.  As soon as this gnarly spinning roller coaster stops (I've heard right around 12 weeks), it's gonna be a rough wait in between doctors appointments.  We have our second ultrasound tomorrow morning to make sure twin A has a little heartbeat like twin B.  We believe in you twin A!  And knowing this nausea makes me much more confident that A has grown right along with B.  But of course...there is still that little tiny fear...that doubt...

10. Food aversion.  Does anyone like ANY food during pregnancy?  I'm pretty much getting aversions to everything right now.  Saltines are even starting to make me a little queasy.  I do, however, still want my mom's homemade vegetable beef soup...hopefully by this evening I'll still feel like eating it!!  Yum!