Saturday, May 21, 2011

Please Forgive Me

I'm scared to write this.  I'm scared to sit here and feel what I feel, but most of all to put it down in this space. 

It is one of the hardest things to read a pregnant woman complain about pregnancy when you don't know if you will ever be pregnant or if you will ever stay pregnant, and I never wanted to be one of those women to cause that pain.  There were times when I had to look away, or walk away, or go to a different place inside of myself when I would hear those complaints.  "They don't know what they've got" I would think.  And sometimes, sometimes I think I might have been right.  But sometimes...

I have hyperemesis gravidarum.  And I want it to go away.  I'm so angry at my body for not allowing me to enjoy this amazing gift we've been given.  I'm so afraid to come here and say that I'm not yet enjoying being pregnant because I know how bad that hurts, but I can't sugar coat this anymore.  I started this blog as therapy for myself and as a way to share the difficult journey that is infertility...and hopefully pregnancy and life after infertility.  We were granted that gift, and I've been too ashamed to share what is really going on.  But then I realized that I felt alone.  And someday another woman will feel this alone, sitting in this place wondering why her body wouldn't give her a chance to be happy. 

I've been sick since 5 and a half weeks.  It started out slow, I was so excited to be nauseous those first days! This meant good things, and it did!  And it still does in a way.  My pregnancy, our babies are growing strong.  The level of hormones in my body are so high and so strong that my body can't even handle it- we have a strong pregnancy.  This I truly am grateful for as long as I can see past the rest of it for a few moments, but I rarely get that chance. 

I day dream about going to work and having someone tell me "congratulations" or ask how the twins are doing.  I day dream about walking outside and seeing little ones, knowing that soon...oh so soon.  I day dream about eating a salad and enjoying every single bite, knowing that I'm nourishing my body and our children.  But then I snap back to reality and struggle with every single bite of a muffin.  Every single sip of a water. My Everests.  Knowing that anything I can get down and keep down will hopefully keep one more pound from dropping away.  I've lost about 15 pounds or so...and I had to beg the doctor to let me stop IV fluids, to just take a break.  My arms are sore and the fluids make me feel so much sicker.  I told her I need to at least TRY to drink on my own.  I lost two more pounds, and I think I'll need to start again. My lips are cracking and I'm having trouble standing up again.

I've been trapped in my house, in my bed, for over a month.  Not by doctor's orders.  But because the only thing I can do is lay down. The more I move, the more I throw up.  And every where I go, the smells make me gag and dry heave, or lose those precious calories I had just forced down. The guilt is overwhelming.

My husband is living life for me.  Making me food, begging me to drink one more bottle of water, reminding me to try one more piece of food.  The doctor threatened me with a feeding tube, "We don't want to get to that place".  But she was so reassuring, telling me that this is awful and that hopefully I've put in my time and we'll get through the rest of this pregnancy free of pre-term labor and all of the unbelievable pain that can bring.  I pray that she's right.

I want this part to be over.  I wouldn't do anything to let these babies go.  Never.  This part needs to be over now.  I hang on the fact that often times it starts to get better at 14 weeks, but I know that often times it doesn't get better until 21 weeks...and sometimes it doesn't get better until birth.

Please forgive me for this- I know this hurts.  I know it's wrong. But I also know that it's real, and it hurts, and it's where we are right now.  But I'm hopeful for one day...


  1. First off, HUGE ((HUGS)) to you. Do NOT feel a need to apologize about this post. If anyone has ever felt like they have the flu and food poisoning all rolled into one for weeks on end and can say they enjoyed it, THEN they have an idea of what you're going through. I'm not nearly as bad as you... well, I'm borderline, but I haven't progressed to IVs like you. Hoping and praying that doesn't happen, but I can totally identify with having absolutely zero enjoyment of being pregnant and just wishing it was over already (albeit with healthy babe[s] in arms). I so sorry you feel so awful. :(

    For some reason, small amounts of quinoa have been doable for me around breakfast (which luckily gives you lots of great protein to "help" with the nausea)...and small amounts (I'm talking 1-2 oz) of Simply Orange juice. I think the sugar helps stabilize me a bit when I'm feeling like puking again.

    Just trying to think of anything that can help. I'm sooo so sorry you're feeling so horrid this pregnancy.

  2. I don't know why we insist that we have to be the only ones to not complain about pregnancy. Let's face it, the fact is that it can often suck for those who struggled to get there. We tend to punish ourselves and say we have to feel grateful for the suckage. And we do! Probably in a way that fertiles could never understand.

    But, dude. Pregnancy can still suck! I think it's okay to acknowledge that fact. It doesn't make you any less grateful for the pregnancy!

  3. Hang in there! I had it too with my twins and I started to feel better around 16-18 weeks. I still threw up every day but finally started to gain weight. I too last about 15-18 lbs but the babies were always good size. Hg sucks but trust me that there is an end in sight whether its in a few weeks or when the babies are born. The second my babies were born it all went away. Ultimately i had to quit work at 7 weeks and never went back. You are going the best for your babies and don't feel guilty! After spending one min with the babies you will forget all the pain of the pregnancy! Good luck and just take it one day at a time!

  4. The prior comments are so true and I really hope you take them to heart. I think others that have gone through IF understand that you are not complaining, you are just stating the fact of what you are facing everyday. Pregnant or not, no one would want to be that sick and to not know when you will get better makes it worse. I wish the drs could do more for you. Hang in there!

  5. Oh god hon I feel so sorry for you. No one here is thinking you shouldn't complain!!! You deserve to be able to vent.

    Oh I hope you feel better soon. Xoxo

  6. People who haven't experienced that level of nausea with pregnancy can't really understand what it's like. I needed IV's, too, and had days when I could barely get out of bed. Trying to choke down a few ounces of water is just hell. I hope it gets better soon. For me, I started to feel better by 10-11 weeks and felt "normal" a few weeks later (I was only baking one little potato, tho!) Don't apologize for complaining - it will be worth it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's incredibly hard to get through right now.

  7. Sweetheart, it is hard to admit to feeling like this, I know! I have been racked with guilt for feeling exactly the same way as I too have had HG and at 22 weeks I am still reliant on the antiemetics to keep me eating. It sucks more than anyone can know, because it takes over the whole of your life in a way that you could never imagine. You don't have time to enjoy being pregnant, or the energy, as it is all invested in getting through each single moment of every single day. And some people will never understand and it takes huge amounts of courage to admit the way you feel, but doing so is good for you and will help others in future. I was slated by some friends for using meds during pregnancy, but HG is too hard for some people to comprehend. HG has made me fear ever falling pregnant again and has changed my idea of ever having more children after this one, as I have had times where I don't know how I'll make it to the end of this pregnancy. Many women come out of HG with depression and/or post traumatic stress disorder that can last for years, that is how life altering it can be. Infertility was one battle you had to face, and it totally sucks that you are now having to face HG too. Have you been to the HER Foundation website? The forums there might help you feel less alone in dealing with this. Your feelings are absolutely understandable, including the guilt you feel for feeling them. I wish it weren't so, for me and for you and for all the HG sufferers out there. Unfortunately, for some women though, pregnancy is not a time of blossoming and joy but of pain, heartache and immense struggle. It doesn't mean you don't value what you have been blessed with, just that right now, in this moment, you have too much to deal with to feel joy. But the joy will come and when you hold those two little babies in your arms that you have fought so hard to bring into this world, it wont matter that you didn't enjoy the pregnancy because just getting through it for them and for you was the most important thing. HG weakens you physically and emotionally, but the strength you use to keep going each day shows just how much the pregnancy means to you, even if you can't show that right now. I hope that makes sense. I'm thinking of you xx

  8. No apologies. You don't owe anyone an "I'm sorry."

    Being sick sucks. Plain and simple. And you've got a whole other level of sick going on. You don't sound like your complaining about being pregnant, you're unhappy that you are so unwell. That is clear.

    And, honestly... anyone who tells you they've gone through pregnancy 100% happy 100% of the time is lying. I remember very clearly sitting on my couch at about 14 weeks, crying because I didn't know how I was going to get through it. I didn't know if I could stand 1 more day of feeling the way I was. I am now almost 28 weeks. The nausea has gone, but I'm still not even back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

    Would I trade it? No. But I wouldn't volunteer to do it again, either.

    Hang in there, Sweetie. It will be so worth it in the end. =)

  9. Thinking so of you and REALLY hope that you feel better soon and that you can start enjoying the pregnancy.

    Don't appologise for anything - there are so mnay people out there who fully understand what you are going through.