Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It's Over!

What a weird exclamation point to type. Right? I know, this whole thing is so beyond me.  But I'm doing ok really.  Is that sad? Wrong? Honestly I'm so busy at work right now that I can hardly think about much else. This is One Day avoiding anymore "feelings" about this situation.  I felt so much, for too long.  It was a rollercoaster that wouldn't stop, wouldn't let me off.  As soon as I found my footing I was right back in the thick of it.  And now, now I can finally stop.  And I'm grateful.

I think I should be sad.  But I've put in my mourning.  I gave up this pregnancy twice already.  I can't stand giving it up again, not in my heart. So now I'm just me. It's just B and I again, and we're good. 

I've been thinking a little more about next steps.  I'll allow myself a minute or two to stop and think about it in the midst of my crazy ass job.  Or at the end of the day when I'm feeling that really crazy tired.  Or from time to time when I happen to talk about what's going on in my life with someone.  And really the first thing that comes out of my mouth or pops into my head is that we need some time.  We need to step away from the ultrasound screen.  I'm thinking about running again, about living. 

See, we know that we're not gonna get pregnant on our own. It's a funny little reality that makes life so incredibly difficult in one moment and so freeing in another.  I can't imagine going through the ups and downs of "maybe" or "what if" every single month.  That was never in the cards for us.  It's brought us one horrible ride so far, and I've gotta be honest- I doubt that's the last of our struggles.  But at least we can rest for a while and know that when we stop thinking about baby making, we can really stop thinking about baby making.

I don't know how long it'll be.  I can't imagine too long- I mean, I've had doctors telling me I should start trying since I was 19 years old.  And the fact that I've got low egg quality at 27 doesn't bode well for me.  So we'll take a couple months maybe.  Go away, relax, get fit, get tan...whatever.  No more methotrexate. No more cytotec.  No more ectopic/not ectopic/baby killing questions.  Just us.  Just be.

But of course, you can count on me to bring a little more drama to the scene on a regular basis.  We found out that my liver enzymes spiked to six times the normal range last week so it's back to the doctor for me.  Gotta figure out why I reacted so poorly to the metho, or maybe just that I'm a closet alcoholic.  And we've got another appointment on Tuesday for a final go-round with my favorite ultrasound wand.  At least for a little while.

I think my next post will be a little something about me.  This whole anonymous thing is tricky.  I've got a lot of my friends and family who read along with our journey, and then there are those who really know nothing about us.  I came here from another blog that had our pictures, our lives, all laid out for anyone to see.  When infertility comes into play and treatments start, things get a little sensitive.  But there's a lot here for you to know, and I think it's time I let you in...just a little bit. One Day at a time.


  1. I've got one word for you. ZUMBA.
    we need to go. You get to dance and exercise at the same time.. and it really lets all your worrys go. Everyone in the class is yipping and yelling ZUMBA. Its fantastic. Im smiling the whole class.. when im not trying to figure out the steps lol
    glad to hear things are on the up and up.
    I miss you.

  2. Everyone grieves differently.

    There's no right or wrong way.

    You are doing what you need to do and that is OK!

    Best of luck sorting out the liver tests.

    Enjoy some rest time. :)

    I'm looking forward to you revealing some info about you *but* share just what you're comfortable with sharing and when you're ready. No pressure. ;)

    Take care!


  3. I am so pleased you have managed to get off this awful ride. You have Bren in my thoughts so much recently.
    A break is a good idea, treat yourself, try to relax and just be you for a while.
    Take care x

  4. Thinking of you and glad that you're taking some time. Take care of yourself.

  5. Taking a step back seems like a great plan for you. Thinking of you...

  6. I am glad that you are doing well. I really love your blog, and look forward to a little peak into what makes you who you are.

    Love ya!

  7. I am thinking that trip to Vegas needs to be re-booked. My husband and I took a trip there (courtesy of his boss actually) after our last miscarriage and spent an entire day sitting in a cabana at the pool and having food and drinks brought to us. It was heaven. We stayed up late (well, late is relative at my age) and slept in and soaked in a big tub and drank champagne in a shower the size of my normal bathroom and played the slot machines and walked the strip and ate at the place he proposed to me years ago and just had fun being a couple. It was so amazing and I wish the same kind of weekend for you and your husband.

  8. Pregnancy is a very serious matter. I think it must be taken into consideration....

  9. I am amazed at your grieving process, but more so at your living process--- your ability to accept the situation for all that it was, and also see the silver lining of it all: the strength you have garnered, the closeness this has brought between you and B, and the support of friends and family. Your strength and perseverance are inspiring, and I think of you often. Take a moment to be mindful of where you are right now in life, so that when you think about this situation 10 years from now, you can have a bittersweet nostalgia of knowing that you were really living life and all that it handed (or threw, shoved, or forced upon) you. Sending hugs thoughts, strength, and love from across the country.