What a weird exclamation point to type. Right? I know, this whole thing is so beyond me. But I'm doing ok really. Is that sad? Wrong? Honestly I'm so busy at work right now that I can hardly think about much else. This is One Day avoiding anymore "feelings" about this situation. I felt so much, for too long. It was a rollercoaster that wouldn't stop, wouldn't let me off. As soon as I found my footing I was right back in the thick of it. And now, now I can finally stop. And I'm grateful.
I think I should be sad. But I've put in my mourning. I gave up this pregnancy twice already. I can't stand giving it up again, not in my heart. So now I'm just me. It's just B and I again, and we're good.
I've been thinking a little more about next steps. I'll allow myself a minute or two to stop and think about it in the midst of my crazy ass job. Or at the end of the day when I'm feeling that really crazy tired. Or from time to time when I happen to talk about what's going on in my life with someone. And really the first thing that comes out of my mouth or pops into my head is that we need some time. We need to step away from the ultrasound screen. I'm thinking about running again, about living.
See, we know that we're not gonna get pregnant on our own. It's a funny little reality that makes life so incredibly difficult in one moment and so freeing in another. I can't imagine going through the ups and downs of "maybe" or "what if" every single month. That was never in the cards for us. It's brought us one horrible ride so far, and I've gotta be honest- I doubt that's the last of our struggles. But at least we can rest for a while and know that when we stop thinking about baby making, we can really stop thinking about baby making.
I don't know how long it'll be. I can't imagine too long- I mean, I've had doctors telling me I should start trying since I was 19 years old. And the fact that I've got low egg quality at 27 doesn't bode well for me. So we'll take a couple months maybe. Go away, relax, get fit, get tan...whatever. No more methotrexate. No more cytotec. No more ectopic/not ectopic/baby killing questions. Just us. Just be.
But of course, you can count on me to bring a little more drama to the scene on a regular basis. We found out that my liver enzymes spiked to six times the normal range last week so it's back to the doctor for me. Gotta figure out why I reacted so poorly to the metho, or maybe just that I'm a closet alcoholic. And we've got another appointment on Tuesday for a final go-round with my favorite ultrasound wand. At least for a little while.
I think my next post will be a little something about me. This whole anonymous thing is tricky. I've got a lot of my friends and family who read along with our journey, and then there are those who really know nothing about us. I came here from another blog that had our pictures, our lives, all laid out for anyone to see. When infertility comes into play and treatments start, things get a little sensitive. But there's a lot here for you to know, and I think it's time I let you in...just a little bit. One Day at a time.