Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Blown away

I don't know what to think right now.  First, I can't believe the outpouring of love and support. Thank you. You won't ever know how important it has been to me to feel like I'm not alone. I never thought that people could care so much about someone they've never met, or a girl without a name. You're all so much better than I could ever be.  You're making me better.

I called the doctor's office this morning before work and asked for a call from the nurse or the doctor or something.  I got a voicemail about 6 hours later from the doctor saying that we should move to a D & C and that he'd call me back.

Then I got a call from the nurse saying that she'd gotten a chance to show the doctor the ultrasound report and wanted to let me know.  I started to ask her some of my questions and she said I should ask him when he calls back.

About 3 hours later I heard from the doctor again.  I actually got to talk to him this time, and I had written down some questions that B and I came up with.  He started by asking me how I was doing.  I said I'd been better.  He chuckled.

He proceeded to spend the next ten minutes circling around the same answer over and over.  He was very upset with the doctor that saw me at the imaging center for discussing my "case" without doing any research on my history or situation.  He said he'd be calling the head of their center to report it. He said she was wrong. Then he told me that he wasn't convinced this isn't an ectopic still.  What? He said that it seemed very similar to what we had seen on the low res ultrasound, a "pseudo sac".  I told him that's not at all what the doctor told me at the imaging center.  He said that I had the benefit of actually seeing the images- he hasn't seen them.  He has a report that said there was a gestational sac and that he felt as though they weren't "sure" what was in the gestational sac.

I was blown away.

I told him that they were certain there was a yolk sac when I was there - that it was obvious even to me, someone who had never been pregnant before.  He said "oh".

I asked why we stopped progesterone so early, now that we know that something developed.  He said my numbers were too low and slow to increase for anything to actually work.  He "had never seen anything work with numbers that low".  I just kinda froze at this point and didn't really push or ask my other questions. 

He said that he wants to "evacuate" the cavity and see what the HCG numbers do.  If they go down he'll feel comfortable that this was a "missed abortion", if not, then we're still looking at an ectopic.  THEY DIDN'T SEE AN ECTOPIC ANYWHERE.  He feels that it's probably not ectopic, but isn't "convinced". 

I'm still blown away and I have no idea what to think.  I feel like I can't trust any of this.  The ultrasound tech, the radiologist/OB, my RE...none of it.  Who do I believe? What the hell is going on???

Anyone else confused yet? yeah, me too.

He said that it's not viable. No shit.  I've been on methotrexate for two weeks. 

I so want to believe that this was just an "F"d up natural miscarriage that we happened to misdiagnose several times but actually was over before any of the "unnatural" parts started (stopping progesterone, metho). That would be so much easier to take.  But this is insane- does he really still think there's a chance it's ectopic? What the heck is he talking about? I have this deep down feeling that he's covering his ass and it's all just fluff and bullshit.  My life = fluff and bullshit.

Sorry again Dad, but you've gotta admit it's kinda bullshit. 

I wish I could fully explain what's going on. I wish I could just chalk this up to bad luck and move forward.  I wish that it was two months ago and B and I decided that maybe we should wait another month before IVF...

I'm scheduled for a D & C next Tuesday morning.  He's hoping my body will miscarry naturally.  If not by next Tuesday- he wants to go in before I develop an infection. 

Blown away.  Just kinda floating through this right now- I have no idea who or what to believe.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I know that.



  1. OMG, I am so angry! He is covering his ass! I would not be able to trust him. I would go elsewhere next cycle.
    We are all here for you.

  2. I am so sorry for all of your stress and pain. No one should ever have to feel this way. It's not fair. I am so sorry. I am sending positive energy your way. You are very strong. Seriously, I'm blown away by how strong you are. Thinking of you!


  3. Oh. Not what I wanted him to say. I guess it is hard to admit such a huge mistake. He may need to "see the image" before he can fess up.

    In the mean time, bless your heart. You are loved more than you know. You and your DH (and I do mean DH) are in my prayers. I love the comments and blessings that are pouring in. I can almost imagine the virtual hugs you are receiving.

  4. This is just my 2 cents, but I would definitely get a consult from another dr before going any further with this guy. I think you owe it to yourself. Get a copy of all of the reports and beg to be seen by someone else asap. I think the reality is that there really isn't much else that can be done to better the situation, physically, at this point but just talking to another physician with the background will hopefully help you to get a better handle on the situation. You can find other clinics by checking out sart.org if you've never been there. But the tone that you have described this doc in makes him sound like a jerk and I have a hard time going back to him myself at this point. Good luck, you are very strong to be dealing with all of this so well.

  5. OMG. Seems like I can't type those 3 letters big enough to do justice to your situation. I wish I could send you to my specialist. I wish I could deck your doc. I wish you could get some answers you trusted. I wish I could offer some words of peace. Being in limbo where you are is pure hell and while I don't know you at all and you don't know me from Adam, I am sending you as big of a hug as I can. Letting your body do it's job and miscarrying on it's own is no fun (trust me, I've done it twice) but at least it makes you feel like your body is capable of doing something right when it comes to this whole reproduction game. Well, for me it did.
    I am thinking of you and hoping that you can get to the other side and begin to move on soon.

  6. Agree with Amanda. This guy is trying to cover his ass, so it's time to cover yours. Get a second opinion. Ask another doctor to take a look and study the scans and paperwork. I admire your strength through this, because I don't know how you are resisting the urge to punch this doctor. I wish I could drive there and do it for you.

    You have my continued thoughts and prayers. xo

  7. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I just can't imagine what this must be like. I'm praying for you.

  8. Adding to the piles of hugs that you are getting--hope you have room for another. I am so incredibly sorry for this roller coaster hell you are on.

  9. It all sounds far too confusing and complicated when all you really need right now is a simple, straight-forward answer, or rather answers, to all your questions *hug*

    You are doing so unbelievably well to be dealing with this with such strength, even if you cannot recognise that strength within yourself right now. I am continuing to keep you in my thoughts and send you my love xx

  10. I absolutely hate the circle-talk! Why can't he just admit that he screwed up and say he's sorry. He'd be amazed at how healing those words can be. I think your Dr. deserves a big 'ole ass-kicking.

    Can I just mention that I hate him?

  11. Sounds like the doctor just doesn't want to admit he messed up and is trying to cover it all. Like he's rushing it or something to try to keep you from finding out how badly he screwed up!

  12. I'm so sorry for this. The whole situation is just crazy. I agree with the other peeps he is talking in circles around the whole thing and if you can, I would get a 2nd opinion. Sending you huge (((HUGS))), take care

  13. I am so so sorry. He is just an arrogant ass. I know everything is so hard right now, and maybe I am wrong to say this, but I think you may want to get a lawyer. I mean, not to take him for all he is worth (although I wouldn't blame you if you did) but because doctors like to cover their own asses. Maybe a lawyer would say they want tests run after the D&C. Maybe you should order copies of your medical records from the high res ultrasound place. I don't know, I just agree with you. He sounds like he wants to cover his ass. Maybe it would be best to gather information before he can cover it too well. Not that it will save this pregnancy, but it will stop him from doing this again to anybody. To always wait to be sure before just assuming. And maybe it will cover the costs of future cycles for you. A small victory, but it would be something.

    (please don't think bad of me for thinking all legally. It's just that I am so mad at him, and it seems like the only way to actually effect the way he practices. And my sister just had some shitty doctor tell her she had migraines when it turned out she had a very large brain tumor and brain cancer. so I am sensitive to docs who THINK they know the answers without running the tests.)

  14. Here from LFCA and Tears are for Babies. I am SO incredibly sorry to read what has happened. I don't even know you and this post made me beyond angry. Perhaps a lawyer isn't the worst idea, if for no other reason than to get to the bottom of this and force someone to tell the truth.

  15. I read your news and the background yesterday but didn't get to posting. Now reading your latest post I'm outraged. You are depleted enough but now to need to galvanize your strength to get records, second opinions and lawyers. It's so not fair! And your doctor is a jerk - he chuckled? Aaargh!!!
    What a dipshit!
    Im so sorry that you are going through this! Stay strong and fight for the truth! Big hugs!

  16. I agree with the others - don't do the d&c, lawyer up, and see another doc asap.

    Many hugs to you both.

  17. I wish I could say I was surprised that he acted this way. Incredibly disappointed that he would just deny he could have made a mistake. I just can't imagine how hard this is and I'm sending you lots of ((hugs)).

  18. I know someone who will give you a baby if you put all your faith in Him. He is the best doctor you will ever find. email me if you want info. nolascoal@lopers.unk.edu