I went to work yesterday and two people commented on how it looks like I've grown quite a bit overnight. It made me over the moon happy! I know that I'll be uncomfortable later, God willing, when this belly gets beastly big- but I just still worry so much that the twins aren't getting enough good nutrition or they're not growing enough or something. I know worry comes with the territory of parenting, but I think there's a little something more for those of us who didn't get here all too easily.
I still have nightmares that it will all end, that I'll wake up and have to consider our options all over again, have to think of what we can handle- what I can handle again. I couldn't bear to lose these two pieces of me, and I wish I didn't have any of these thoughts. Ever. But I have to be honest that they're there, and they get really loud sometimes.
So it was such a blessing to have someone else say that I'm growing! That it looks like our two precious hopes are getting bigger, and hopefully therefore strong and healthy.
When I come back to reality from my nightmares, I realize that I'm eating WAY better. And I feel a hundred million BILLION times better than I have at any point in this pregnancy right now. Upping my dose of Pro.tonix seemed to definitely help with the nighttime nausea. I still get a little sick when I eat just a teensy bit too much or try to eat something that I wasn't really craving. But honestly, I can usually push through that and keep eating without having to run to the bathroom. I'm weaning myself down on the Zo.fran now, too! Only half the max dose at this point. This is an amazing, amazing place to be. I'm so enjoying this moment. How lucky am I? How lucky are we to have two babies growing inside of me. I just have to smile when I think about it. And usually cry. I cry a lot (at work now, too). Happy tears.
Oh, oh oh oh. And the flutters. They are life changing. It feels so incredible. I felt them on the outside for the first time on Wednesday night and it was unreal. Just a couple little pops and it was like the whole world stopped. Then at work yesterday- I'm just sitting at my computer doing something that just months ago seemed so important and then I feel them. Our little boy and little girl moving around, getting comfortable, stretching and kicking. Everything else just fades and my whole perspective changes. I don't think I'll ever be the same person and I'm so grateful.