Friday, June 24, 2011

18w1d and growing!

I went to work yesterday and two people commented on how it looks like I've grown quite a bit overnight.  It made me over the moon happy! I know that I'll be uncomfortable later, God willing, when this belly gets beastly big- but I just still worry so much that the twins aren't getting enough good nutrition or they're not growing enough or something.  I know worry comes with the territory of parenting, but I think there's a little something more for those of us who didn't get here all too easily. 

I still have nightmares that it will all end, that I'll wake up and have to consider our options all  over again, have to think of what we can handle- what I can handle again.  I couldn't bear to lose these two pieces of me, and I wish I didn't have any of these thoughts.  Ever.  But I have to be honest that they're there, and they get really loud sometimes.

So it was such a blessing to have someone else say that I'm growing! That it looks like our two precious hopes are getting bigger, and hopefully therefore strong and healthy.

When I come back to reality from my nightmares, I realize that I'm eating WAY better.  And I feel a hundred million BILLION times better than I have at any point in this pregnancy right now.  Upping my dose of Pro.tonix seemed to definitely help with the nighttime nausea.  I still get a little sick when I eat just a teensy bit too much or try to eat something that I wasn't really craving.  But honestly, I can usually push through that and keep eating without having to run to the bathroom. I'm weaning myself down on the Zo.fran now, too! Only half the max dose at this point. This is an amazing, amazing place to be.  I'm so enjoying this moment.  How lucky am I? How lucky are we to have two babies growing inside of me.  I just have to smile when I think about it.  And usually cry.  I cry a lot (at work now, too).  Happy tears.

Oh, oh oh oh. And the flutters.  They are life changing.  It feels so incredible.  I felt them on the outside for the first time on Wednesday night and it was unreal.  Just a couple little pops and it was like the whole world stopped.  Then at work yesterday- I'm just sitting at my computer doing something that just months ago seemed so important and then I feel them.  Our little boy and little girl moving around, getting comfortable, stretching and kicking.  Everything else just fades and my whole perspective changes. I don't think I'll ever be the same person and I'm so grateful.


  1. :) I cannot wait to feel the flutters. My midwife told me yesterday that some people are feeling it already (I'm at 14w), so now I'm a bit neurotic about it. LOL

    Updated belly pic please!

  2. Oh I am so happy for you and the luckies! It is a wonderful place to reach when you get to feel them all the time and know they are thriving in there!! After the loss of our twins (identical twin complications-it can't happen to you) I have found that I had those horrible thoughts too, even now with my son 4 feet away in his crib I am worried he is alright. It gets better and worse in some ways, better b/c you can check on them, worse because you now know them and love them more everyday! You will do great and I can't wait for your post that they are here (of course it needs to be in several months from now).

  3. I am SOOO glad you're feeling better!! And how great to be able to feel them move, that's got to be a great reassurance.

  4. I am so happy to read that you are feeling so much better! For me, the nausea is still there, especially if I push it, but it is definitely manageable. Like, this weekend we have been away visiting family and I haven't stuck to my usual "snacktimes" and it has made a massive difference! So keep doing what you're doing and those little luckies of yours will get all they need and you'll continue to feel as good as you can!

    Aren't the flutters amazing? My flutters turned to massive kicks very quickly and I can only imagine with two of them you'll soon be saying things like "mama is so very happy you're in there, wriggling around and letting her know you're ok, but please stop dancing on my bladder for 5 minutes so that I can sleep!" haha

    The fears you have are so understandable in any pregnancy, but especially so when it is has been such a rough ride getting to this point. You're so close to the viability mark now too (24 weeks) that once you pass that point it is amazing how much of a difference you feel. You still worry as you want them to stay in as long as possible, but just knowing that were the worst to happen and they did come early they would have a great chance of survival puts your mind at so much ease! You're almost there, and we can all do a massive happy dance together when you reach it :) In fact, I'm doing on right now for you, because of how much better you're doing xx

  5. I'm having so much fun going through all of your posts. Oh God, all the posts where you were feeling so sick just broke my heart!! And I'm loving the posts where you start feeling the "flutters". How awesome. :)