Wednesday, October 19, 2011

two weeks left!...maybe...and a LOT to say

Love that title, eh? So I'll start off with the "maybe" part.  I was diagnosed with severe cholestasis on Monday after my bloodwork came back.  Of course I was diagnosed with cholestasis. It happens in about 1/1,000 pregnancies, so I was desitned to have it.  I'm just so lucky!  Well, myself and Amanda.  Here we are, an ocean apart, really mirroring pregnancy experiences.  Her little boy is just the most adorable thing- 4 weeks old now.  So that's just another amazing reminder of how worth it this all is.  Truly.

I started medication Monday afternoon.  Honestly, when the doctor called me to say my bile acids were extremely elevated and I had cholestasis...I was kind of relieved to know that I don't have some sort of psychosomatic itching disorder.  Good lord the itching is AWFUL.  I wake up in the middle of the night in the act of scratching.  Itching in my sleep.  It actually wakes me up.  Unreal.

Doc said it can take a couple days for the medication to start working to help with the far it's actually gotten a little worse.  We'll see. She said I should take bena.dryl and if that doesn't work then she'll prescribe me something stronger. Then I read on the American Pregnancy Association website to not take anti-histamines with now I'm paranoid and I won't take it.  When I go in to see the doctor tomorrow and mention that I still itch like crazy, she's gonna think I'm an idiot for not taking her advice.  Oh the guilt factor.  These little babies in my belly have a strong hold on that aspect...I don't want to take anything that's unnecessary or that might not be great for them. 

From what I've read and what little the doctor has told me about cholestasis- it means we need to be delivered early.  However, because it's twins, we're already set to deliver early.  We're going to talk tomorrow about whether it should be even earlier.  I have no idea. Apparently, cholestasis can cause some distress to the babies- and can cause them to have liver problems as well...because my liver's not doing what it should be for theirs. I have a lot of questions to ask- but mainly I just want these two to be healthy.  If that means we take them out tomorrow, then I'm fine with it.  If that means we leave them in until after November 2nd, then I'm fine with it.  I honestly don't care how uncomfortable I am- I just want healthy babies if that's at all possible.  Please, please let that be possible.

So it's been an adventure- this pregnancy.  The hyperemesis was something I never want to revisit, I even have trouble thinking about it.  Add the cholestasis to it and it just gets a little comical. I feel incredibly blessed that we're having twins- that we will have two children...that I won't be doing this again.  I needed to do it, I wanted more than anything to be pregnant. I'm lucky to have been able to experience this unbelievable transformation.  But once is it for us. 

I think B is ready for these little ones to come join us, too.  He wants big, chubby, healthy babies as much as I do.  But I'm in a constant state of "complain" with him.  I know that I can.  I know that he'll hear me out and listen, he won't judge or throw it back in my face. But that's a lot for any man to take, even a superman like my husband. 

Monday we celebrated our second wedding anniversary.  I made B a photo book of our entire relationship- all of the memories I could find that we'd captured through picture.  I wrote little anecdotes about all of them, and we sat together flipping through that book before we went out to dinner.  From the early months- the "puppy love" phase...filled with long drawn out "good nights" out by our cars, dreading driving away from one the pictures of our trip to Disneyland when B asked me to be his the first time we opened the front door of our first home...and then to pictures of our future- our luckies.  It was a beautiful moment for me, looking back at all of those memories and remembering how lucky we've been to have eachother.  We started this infertility journey before we even got married two years ago.  And we had our share of ups and downs even before this journey started.  He's been by my side the entire time.  He's held my hand through diagnoses and scares.  He's told me to put down the computer, to stop researching and driving myself crazy.  He knows me better than I know myself.  I'm so lucky to have that in my husband, someone who looks out for me, even when it's difficult. 

I think back to the last two years being his wife, and the years before that, and I'm so grateful.  We met at a bar during happy hour- he came out to the patio to talk to another girl his friend said was interested.  We caught eyes, and then spent hours talking.  He gave me a kiss before I drove home- and I gave him my phone number.  I remember calling my Mom and telling her about him.  I remember hoping about him.

I've watched B grow into an even more amazing man than he was back when I first put my hope in him.  I didn't think that was possible.  His patience, his calm- he's the perfect balance to everything I wish I was.  Our team is a strong team- the two of us together.  Add in all of the little moments- the laughs, the playing.  I couldn't ever dream of a better match.  I couldn't have done this myself if I tried...this was designed, long before I even knew I wanted it.

As we're getting oh so close to starting the next chapter of "us", I can't help but wonder what amazing design is planned for us.  I learned a long time ago that I can't make it nearly as good as our Creator can. I'm excited to see what He has in store for us, for our family.  I'm excited to watch it all unfold, with B by my side. 

To my incredible husband- Happy Anniversary.  Thank you for making me whole.

Oh, and B got me a gift certificate to the spa, AND a beautiful watch, AND...drumroll...NEWBORN photos for our anniversary!!!  He knows my love language is gifts, doesn't he?  ;)

Now to go book our newborn photos- I seriously just can't wait!  Do you hear that Luckies?  Mommy and Daddy can't wait to squeeze your chubby cheeks and kiss your big bellies...and get ready for some serious photo sessions.

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