Saturday, November 5, 2011

Two Weeks Old!

The twins, our little luckies, are two weeks old today!  What an amazing world it is.

The appointment on Thursday went well- Caleb has officially passed his birth weight and weighed in at 5lbs 9oz!  Still teeny tiny, but a half a pound bigger than when we left the hospital, so that's fabulous! Grow little man, grow! Baby Grace is still just shy of her birth weight weighing in at 6lbs even.  I'm sure by now she's surpassed that, though.

We talked to the doc about Grace's groaning and tummy trouble- so I've started her on gas drops with every feed.  So far it seems to be helping a bit.  We've also inclined her bed a little.  She's still doing the arch back thing, which leads us more toward reflux.  But we'll see.

Ok, I don't want to get started on any sort of circumcision debate here- I know how heated those things can get.  We've decided to circumsize little man (I'm sure he'll love this later...), and I've felt good about that decision.  Until now.  They weren't recommending doing the circ at the hospital because a) he was "late preterm"...lovely, b) he was just a little guy, and c) he wasn't really doing so great on the eating thing.  Lots of falling asleep on the bottle/breast.  So they recommended giving him a little more time to grow and get solid in the suck/swallow/breath things since the circumcision can make little dudes sorta sleepy (aka hunger strike cuz WTF did you just do to me??!?!?!?!?)

Well, I was hoping we at least could get it done in the first two weeks of little man's life.  Now they want to wait til next week and I'm thinking 'holy crap he's getting too old for this and I'm way too attached and it's gonna hurt him and he's gonna be mad at me and resent me and I'm fairly certain he can remember stuff now cuz he's so OLD".  Logical, I know.

So we're scheduled for next Thursday, but not until we have another weigh in on Wednesday that shows he's still growing and eating well.  If not, then what? They wait some more? What, is he gonna be like 12 when this thing happens?  I just want to say "nevermind", it's not worth it.  But I don't own the equipment so I'm not gonna make this final call- especially cuz I'm super wicked emotional and not exactly logical all the time nowadays.

Speaking of super wicked emotional- I'm on "post partum depression watch" now.  I went and had my two week post-op appt with my doctor...and promptly broke down crying the moment she came to the lobby to get me.  Then I cried the entire appointment.  Then I had planned to use my gift card from my wonderful husband for our anniversary to get a facial cuz B said I should and I've been obviously a little unstable and he thought it would help.  Well,  I had scheduled for right after my visit with the doc, but when I went out there, they somehow had forgotten to add me to the schedule and couldn't get me in for another 45 minutes, so I broke down crying in the lobby of the spa.  HOLY WTF.  I was so incredibly embarrassed, but I seriously could NOT control it.  It was flippin awful.  So of course the amazing nurses saw the mess, pulled me aside, got me some water, told me they'd figure something out, got my doctor who came out and pulled me into a room to talk to me about how I "was feeling"...and decided that they should call me on Monday to "make sure I'm ok".  Yeah.  For real.

I'm not feeling like I'm going to hurt anybody or anything like that.  I'm not feeling detached from my precious children or angry at them, or anything.  I just feel super emotional and exhausted...and a little bit like I'm failing at this motherhood thing.  I keep saying to myself that if there were just one then I'd be better at this- but with the two, I feel like I can't do it well enough.  I can't split my time, I can't feed them together, I can't handle hearing one cry while I'm tending to the other, I can't sleep...I just can't.  I really hate feeling like this.  And I totally know that it's absolutely normal to feel overwhelmed and my hormones are like rabid monkeys bouncing around... I just gotta get through this stage.  It's gotta get better on the hormone front.  I cry nightly.  Not cool, body, not cool.  I want to cherish every single waking second with these amazing miracles.  I don't want one bit of it to be tarnished by sadness or anxiety.  But alas, such is life.

So they started talking to me about how the baby blues only last a couple of weeks and if it continues much longer then they think I should talk to a counselor or maybe start some medication.  I don't know. I'm gonna wait to see what happens.  I'm so incredibly happy to have my beautiful babies here, well, and in my arms.  I feel like such a horrible person having any of these feelings.

Anyway- lots of great stuff going on right now as well. I don't want you to think I'm completely F'd up.  I swear, I'm not.  We got our newborn photos and they're brilliant.  Hopefully we'll get the CD soon so I can upload some.  ALSO- I, apparently, have broken my doctor's office's record for the most weight loss the quickest...  I'm already down to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I lost about 50 pounds in about 11 days.  Haha, nice.  I look so different- my legs are actually smaller than they were.  My belly has a little bit of a jiggle to it now, but I don't have a pooch or anything like I thought I would for months.  Just sorta soft.  And my butt got flat!!!  Oh, and the ladies up top- no joke. This breastfeeding thing is for real. ;)

We're still exclusively pumping.  I'm really not working very hard to get them to latch ever.  It just seems so futile. Pumping is a pain though- I hate having to wash all of that stuff all the time, every 2 and a half hours.  But my production is great, and I'm already freezing a ton.  I get almost 200 mL every time I pump (about 15 minutes or so).  Things have gotten better since I started using a hands free was awful being stuck holding the pumps on.  I would highly recommend if you're going to be doing any large amount of pumping.  I have the Med.ela  Kinda pricey, but worth it.

Alright, gotta go- one of them is stirring.  Oh my loves. :)


  1. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I wouldn't have the foggiest about baby blues but surely its kinda to be expected that you might feel a bit overwhelmed by it all right now. The fact that they came earlier than you were expectig and that there's 2 has to be adjusted to. I think you're doing a great job, the best job you can do. Keep up the great work.....

  2. So great to hear that you all are doing well! I just want to say that please don't feel judgmental toward yourself about your emotions. It's an extremely emotional, overwhelming time right now and even if you do have more than the baby blues, please take care of yourself. Go see a counselor or get some meds because you'll be doing a bigger disservice to your children if you have mismanaged or untreated PPD than if you just took some time to take care of yourself. You will be a much better mother for it! *big hugs* and do send photos when you can!

  3. I am sending hugs. The first few weeks are mind blowing, and seriously just making it through with everyone alive is to be celebrated. No joke. Twins are hard when you are new to mothering.

    I'd error on the side of getting them. It can take a few weeks for them to take full effect, and they can help a lot to stablize everything. You are a prime candidate and have a few of the risk factors...

    Lastly, put the pumping stuff in a plastic bag and put it in the fridge after pumping--you don't have to wash between every pump! It is so much easier and faster!

  4. It sounds like you are doing great. Pleased they are doing well with their weights and well done on your weight loss!!
    It must be so overwhelming at the moment, but I'm sure you guys will get into a rhythm and all will fall into place. X

  5. I can imagine twins are a double dose of baby blues and is very overwhelming, you've gotta take care of you too. Don't feel bad about doing what is best for you and your family! Glad the luckies are growing right on track and doing well!

  6. Oooh I am behind on commenting! First of all, it's so great to hear how you are all doing. Try not to be too hard on yourself re: the guilt (although I know that is difficult to say the least!) and remember that those of us with just a single newborn find it hard going and you have two little ones demanding your time, energy and attention so you are bound to feel very out of sorts for some time, especially after a challenging pregnancy!

    I'm sorry to hear you are crying so much :( I didn't cry half as much as I expected to, but even so it still caught me by surprise sometimes! Having been depressed before I know what to look for in myself and so I find I can tell the difference between crying because I am so overwhelmed in a normal way and crying because something is wrong. I would suggest that if you are still feeling incredibly blessed to have the twins here safely and are generally enjoying being a mum then it is good old "baby blues" and trying to adapt to your new role rather than post-natal depression. For me, the main sign of depression is losing interest in things that usually make me happy and feeling a constant dread and sadness at the pit of my stomach that never, ever goes away. That being said, I am still very glad to hear they are watching you carefully to make sure that it doesn't develop into PND! After all, with the pregnancies we both had there is every chance we could find it difficult and develop PND now or further down the line and it is good to watch to make sure that your feelings no don't escalate!

    Have you thought about asking to see a counsellor or someone just to talk things through anyway? I plan on asking my doctor at my post-natal check next week for a referral to see someone as I can feel the emotional fallout of the pregnancy in terms of what I went through bubbling just under the surface and I know if I ignore them they will only build up until I do break down in some way. I just wondered if you thought something similar might help you?

    Thinking of you tons xx