Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Guilt

I didn't go into anything post-birth in my last post...and there was plenty to go into.  The build up to our twins' birth and then the actual c-section all went so beautifully.  Of course, it was a little early and unexpected, but we felt pretty prepared and the section was great. 

As soon as we got any sort of report about the babies, the guilt started setting in. 

We are so incredibly, incredibly blessed to have such big twins at 35 weeks and 2 days.  I mean, honestly- 5 and a half pounds and over 6 pounds, that's really big for "late preterm"...especially for twins.  And the fact that I made it to over 35 weeks anyway, that's so great.  I know this inside.  I do.  But from the very beginning, all we've heard is "late preterm" this and "late preterm" that.  All of the things we need to be cautious of because our babies didn't make it all the way to full term.  It's so scary, and honestly infuriating.  Why would they not stop labor if it causes so much drama for these babies to be born 2 weeks earlier than we wanted???  Couldn't they have tried a little harder?  Shouldn't I have tried a little harder? 

I immediately started regretting doing anything that day- running errands, not slowing down, not drinking enough water...

Gracie had some blood sugar problems and had to immediately be supplemented with formula.  Caleb was right there with her, and was obviously incredibly skinny.  They both had to take a trip to the NICU right after I got stitched up and spent some time with them in recovery so they could get blood tests- Daddy went with them while I was wheeled out of our recovery room and up to our hospital room.

We had to supplement them both the entire time we were in the hospital, but my milk came in really early so I was able to start giving them enough breastmilk after a few days to wean them off of the formula.  Now, we're exclusively pumping and bottle feeding breastmilk.  They don't want them to breastfeed exclusively yet because attempting to latch burns too many calories for "late preterm" babies...apparently...and I would have to give them a bottle after I breastfed anyway...and then pump as well.  With two babies.  Not gonna happen. 

So we're waking them up to feed every three hours, trying to keep them on the same schedule right now, which is super difficult.  One sometimes wakes up after 2 hours and wants food- so we have to wake up the other one as well, or make the one hold off which is just horrifying (I feel like I'm starving my children when I do that...haven't been able to do it).

We had our first big crying session last night with Grace- no idea why.  They've been so good, only fussing when they're hungry, wet, or lying in their own spit up (our babies spit up a lot...we have to hold them upright for at least 15 minutes after every feed or it's no good).  Poor little Grace also just groans and grunts sometimes for hours- we can't figure out what that's about.  She seems so uncomfortable.

We have our second weigh-in today at the peds office since we've been home!  They haven't reached their birth weight yet...and they're in the very low percentiles for everything.  I'm so hoping that they've gained a whole lot so I can feel better about all this...but I'm sure that guilt will never really go away (I know, no reason to feel guilty- they're healthy and wonderful...I just can't help it with that stupid "late preterm" crap I keep hearing about).

Hope everyone is well!!! I'll try to upload some more of the millions of pictures we've taken soon.  We got our newborn photos done a couple days ago, too! Way too much stimulation for the little ones, they didn't like it.  But the pics are really cute, I just got to see them!

Mommy needs a nap- hopefully I can sleep (haven't been able to sleep through Grace's keeps me awake all day and night :(  poor little baby.


  1. We both know that it isn't going to do a bit of good to blame yourself that the babes were delivered a bit earlier than planned. Who might have gone into labor had you laid in bed all day! You just don't know! You did everything you could to keep them safe and sound inside of you for those 35 weeks and I think it is wonderful that you carried them for as long as you did...twins come early, plain and simple! You'll get past this somewhat hard time...where the babies are tiny and you question whether or not they are gaining enough weight. Soon they'll be chunky 6 month old babies and you'll think back on this time and think "why did I worry so much?" Just enjoy them, be thankful they made it here safe and stop worrying and feeling guilty! You did it...they are here!!!!

  2. Can't wait for the update! I'm sorry you have the guilt thing going on. We are our own worst critics.