Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The countdown

Today is 12dpo, or 7dp5dt. Today would be the day that I'd POAS with the possibility of seeing a second line, if there would ever be one.  Of course, there could still be that chance that it wouldn't be there just yet...but a much smaller chance.  Could I see a second line? For real?

I choose to stay away.  Maybe my pessimism has taken over too strongly, or maybe just realistically.  Or maybe I'm just waiting. Period.  But I choose to have two more days of hope.  I've decided that I'll stay "pregnant" for two more precious days.  At least. 

I got the call from Dr. Z's office today confirming our appointment for Thursday morning bloodwork.  I sounded obviously broken on the phone.  I wish I was stronger and my hope was more enduring. I hope I'm wrong.

But work has been such a great thing for me these last two days.  I have an unimaginable amount of stuff going on right now at the office, and it is acting superbly as an IVF take-over block.  I don't have time to sit and wonder.  Or google.

Then there are those quiet moments in the car, or late at night, or first thing in the morning.  Those moments of injections or suppositories.  Those hurt a little more than I'd like to admit right now. They let the doubt back in.

I'd like to say that this will make it feel better if the "not-so-good" happens on Thursday afternoon.  But I'm not sure that's true.  We'll have to see.  Am I effectively guarding my heart? Or am I just ruining this entire experience for myself?  For those not "lucky" enough to feel this IVF process first-hand, it's a world crusher in so many ways.  The roller coaster of hope and doubt are one thing.  But the entire process of "who the hell knows" and "wait and see" are so implosive, it's unreal. I wish none of this on you.

For those of you who have felt it, or who are feeling it, my admiration goes out to you.  I've seen so many women on these blogs demonstrate an entirely foreign amount of strength, perseverance, and dedication. I pray to be like all of you. You are truly heroes; to me, to your families, and to your children (born or unborn).  Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.

Tonight I will try to avoid the quiet moments.  I'll watch tv (food network) and eat unexplainable amounts of sugar.  Then I'll go to sleep and wake up to one more day of waiting.

7dp5dt.  How are you doing in there guys? Are you still there? Are you alive? I can't feel you, in my body or my heart.  But maybe that's just my walls.  Don't be disappointed, I just want you so badly that it hurts.  And hurting like this isn't my forte.  I'm still here.  Still wondering and waiting for you. 

Please stay with me.  Please don't go.



  1. I want this so much for you, for all who has been through ivf and for myself as well. Ivf is soul crushing I have found. I have tried to stay strong throughout but, I too am a pessimist.
    The 2ww, the not knowing. It's hell.
    Good luck for Thursday.

  2. I want this so badly for you! I have all my crossables crossed for Thursday. Makes me look kind of funny, but I'll do what needs to be done.

    This two week time totally sucks. It just does. Our minds can do such mean and horrible things to us! Much love...