I think this is Peace

It's so weird to not be taking any medication. For the last several days now, it's been nothing.  I know I'm supposed to keep taking a prenatal vitamin, but I just don't feel like it.

But, alas, today I'm starting back on the pill.  I can't go long without her, without my insides turning against me.  So Dr. Z said to start it right back up again and then we'll decide where to go from here.  I'll be on it continuously again until we decide to do another round of IVF.  I know that's what we're going to do, I just don't know what comes in the middle.  Will we do another lap? B doesn't want me to because of what happened after the last one.  He doesn't want me (or him) to go through that again. Trips to the ER, painful breathing, couldn't walk... I was lovely. I don't blame him.

We have our WTF appointment on Thursday morning this week. I look forward to hearing what Dr. Z has to say, especially about the egg quality.  The concern in his voice on the day of our transfer was alarming. Obviously we're gonna try again with my eggs, but I wonder what he'll change. I wonder if he'll recommend donor eggs down the line. ... inhale.  exhale. good.

In the meantime, I need to get my shit* together.  (*Sorry Dad...everytime I feel guilty, but it just SOUNDS better. And it's what I'm thinking. You know I love you...and yes, we have bar soap at the house.)

I need to drop some weight. I don't know how much women normally gain in a round of IVF, but I'm creeping into that scary weight range (for myself). I'd like to lose 20 pounds...but that probably won't happen before we do another cycle.  I have to be realistic.  But B and I are gonna try to get away sometime soon, for a little non-baby thinking.  A little "late twenties we don't care about medications because we're totally normal" lifestyle. Man I wish I were normal sometimes. Sometimes.  Then there are those times that I'm super grateful that I've gotten to live outside the lines. You know? I have no idea what a normal med-free life is like. Haven't had one since the get-go. I've had plenty of bouts of trying to be normal, and it's worked for a while.  Those were fun.  (But I always paid for it one way or another)

And then there's B.  He hasn't seen a doctor for anything other than sperm...like ever. And that sperm things is only because of me.  I don't want to think about what his life would be like if he wasn't with me.  No doctor's appointments. No procedures. No waiting on a call from a nurse to find out whether or not our "pregnancy" is viable. He could have been normal.

But he's better than normal.  (At least in my eyes.  I hope he feels so, too. I think he does.) It's not easy on him. I can see it sometimes. But he has such an amazing strength about him.  Still, every time I say anything remotely down or scared or upset, he says exactly the right thing. And he stops what he's doing. He looks right at me. He holds me.  I'm blown away by him.

It didn't start out easy though.  Right before IVF we were butting heads on how to handle X, and how to feel about Y... pretty much everything. But when it mattered most, he stepped up big time.  When it was crumbling all around me, he knew exactly which pieces to pick up and which ones to let fall.  He's saving me every single day.  Every. Single. Day.

I always wondered if something devastating can really bring two people closer or if it puts this air between them. This space of doubt, guilt, disappointment. Blame. In B's case, he chose to take a step closer to me.  No, he didn't meet me in the middle. I can't give myself that much credit right now.  He walked to me. He met me where I was at.  I feel incredibly close to him, and I couldn't be more grateful for my husband. Have you gotten to a place where you really know what matters? In the grand scheme of things?  I just did. It's sad what it took to get me here, but what an awesome feeling.  (It's a little scary too.)

I'm a firm believer that God has a purpose. For everything. Yeah, even the shit things.  The awful, devastating, destructive things.  In the moment, I don't want to think for one second about His purpose or His plan. I want to think about what I need.  And that's natural. I think that's ok.  I mean, we're only human!  But in this moment, I'm seeing what I think He wanted me to see.  I'm feeling where I need to feel... I don't ever want to be here again, but I know my plan can't ever be as good as what's He's got cooking for me. For us.

For those who aren't there, that's perfectly normal. Honestly. I know so many good women who have felt disturbing loss over and over again.  I'm sitting here after one horrible circumstance and we're in different places. You need to feel how YOU feel. You need to be where you are. I'm hoping for each of us that we are made whole again, if that's possible. Or at least that we smile again.  That is possible.  (For those who don't know, I've been following several women go through IVF or IUI's or just the TTC journey right along with me in this little blog world. And so many have missed their chance this time. And it hurts like hell. And doesn't seem fair. And makes me want to vomit/hit things. But I think we'll smile again ... one day.)

I'm glad I'm where I am today.  I'll be in a different place tomorrow or two hours from now.  But I think it will be a place of understanding and peace.  I think it'll be a step closer to moving forward, one way or another.  And I know it will be a place full of support, with your wonderful words of wisdom, with my family there to understand, and with my B walking right beside me, waiting to catch me when I can't make it on my own.  Thank you. With everything that I am.