It's over. The doctor is taking me off all progesterone and estrogen. My number today was 115, and the last little speck of hope blew out the window when the nurse said no more progesterone. I can't believe it, I even thought for a second after I heard that number that maybe it was just slow. After all of this, I still wanted to hold on.
So let's talk. Frankly. I was very close to writing a cynical and dark post about the failure I'm feeling or the bastard that is "hope". But then I read through my last post's comments (those amazing comments...thank you), and I realized that there are so many reasons to not run over hope with my car, several times, no matter what this disgusting feeling I have makes me want to do. Let's examine that a little further.
Hope makes me angry, it makes me want to stomp around and hold my breath and throw a glorious little toddler tantrum like you all know I'm way too good at. It makes me want to vomit. But it also gave me an amazing few days of feeling
I got to have it for a little while, whether it was way too short or way too small. And it may have been pathetic to hope, with the way those nurses looked at me every time I came into the office- that pity look. The one that says "aw hun, you're cute for believing...we feel for you, and this is gonna be a hard crash you feel later. But maybe...maybe..." But I got to feel it. And it was beautiful. That's the only word I can think of to really describe it.
This hurts like hell. I don't want to think about how we have to start all over. Or how we only have a couple more chances, if that. Or the genetic testing Dr. Z wants to try. After a good solid cry at my office (absolutely in front of more than three people- totally against my code of conduct) I decided I was done for the day. My splotchy face and bright red eyes weren't going to cut it at work today. So I'll hug my husband, I'll let my cat entertain me, I'll talk to all of you...and I'll sulk. And then tomorrow, maybe, I'll remind myself that there is a silver lining. That we got pregnant, no matter how doomed it was from the beginning. And I'll remind myself that we can be a success story later. That we WILL be a success story later. In the right time.