Sunday, August 8, 2010

Last bit of hope

Alright, the weekend is almost over.  Tomorrow is another day of hoping and dreading.  But let's be honest, there are only two definitive outcomes here, only one that seems to be a real possibility...  Either the doctor says it's down to zero and it's over, or by the grace of God the number spikes to 200 or something crazy and I can feel good about this "pregnancy" actually making it.  Otherwise, if the number goes up to around 50, we'll still be on the wait and see ride, waiting for either a miscarriage or a miracle.  Or the number will go up to 20 or something and then I'm worried about an ectopic. Let's just hope for a definitive tomorrow, this has been really hard.  I'm ready for the bus ride to take us somewhere real.  Limbo is a lonely and ominous place to be.

Today I feel less optimistic.  Probably because we're getting closer to some sort of result and I want to protect myself more.  When I had a few days left, it felt good to let that down just a little bit and day dream that this could work, that we would stay "pregnant" for a little while longer at least.  Now I don't really want to think that, because I hate that feeling of disappointment. Expect the worst.  Hope for...something other than the worst. Anything other than the worst.

I have so much going on at work right now. I wish I could let some of that go, just for a while, so I can focus on avoiding stress and taking care of me.  And taking care of B. I feel like every minute at work I have to be on, or I'm going to drop one of the very important balls I'm dropping.  And every minute at home I need to be doing something to save this pregnancy...but I have no idea what that could be.  Lay down? Eat something different? Sleep? Research? 

I need to relax, but that's so stressful.  Has that ever happened to you? You stress about relaxing? How moronic. But it's real. I got a pedicure today and was freaking out that I wasn't letting myself relax enough. I turned on the back massager on the chair and when it was jiggling my stomach I freaked out that it would be hurting Petrie and Ducky. I mean, what's wrong with me?!  I went to Costco and when I had to lift a big box to get it from my cart into my truck, I almost had a panic attack. This isn't healthy.  ...Limbo is a lonely and ominous place to be. 

I need an least a little bit more of an answer than I already have.

We'll see what we get tomorrow. Please hope for B and I, and P&D. They're just little guys, they need all the help they can get!  And I need some help in the hope department. It's running out fast, I feel like I'm cashing in my last little bit on a losing hand.  Will I have any left? I may really need it later...


  1. I am thinking about you and keeping and praying that you have the highest number possible!

  2. Wow, you can tell I am tired because that last post doesn't make any sense. Anyways, good luck tomorrow!