Alright, the weekend is almost over. Tomorrow is another day of hoping and dreading. But let's be honest, there are only two definitive outcomes here, only one that seems to be a real possibility... Either the doctor says it's down to zero and it's over, or by the grace of God the number spikes to 200 or something crazy and I can feel good about this "pregnancy" actually making it. Otherwise, if the number goes up to around 50, we'll still be on the wait and see ride, waiting for either a miscarriage or a miracle. Or the number will go up to 20 or something and then I'm worried about an ectopic. Let's just hope for a definitive tomorrow, this has been really hard. I'm ready for the bus ride to take us somewhere real. Limbo is a lonely and ominous place to be.
Today I feel less optimistic. Probably because we're getting closer to some sort of result and I want to protect myself more. When I had a few days left, it felt good to let that down just a little bit and day dream that this could work, that we would stay "pregnant" for a little while longer at least. Now I don't really want to think that, because I hate that feeling of disappointment. Expect the worst. Hope for...something other than the worst. Anything other than the worst.
I have so much going on at work right now. I wish I could let some of that go, just for a while, so I can focus on avoiding stress and taking care of me. And taking care of B. I feel like every minute at work I have to be on, or I'm going to drop one of the very important balls I'm dropping. And every minute at home I need to be doing something to save this pregnancy...but I have no idea what that could be. Lay down? Eat something different? Sleep? Research?
I need to relax, but that's so stressful. Has that ever happened to you? You stress about relaxing? How moronic. But it's real. I got a pedicure today and was freaking out that I wasn't letting myself relax enough. I turned on the back massager on the chair and when it was jiggling my stomach I freaked out that it would be hurting Petrie and Ducky. I mean, what's wrong with me?! I went to Costco and when I had to lift a big box to get it from my cart into my truck, I almost had a panic attack. This isn't healthy. ...Limbo is a lonely and ominous place to be.
I need an answer...at least a little bit more of an answer than I already have.
We'll see what we get tomorrow. Please hope for B and I, and P&D. They're just little guys, they need all the help they can get! And I need some help in the hope department. It's running out fast, I feel like I'm cashing in my last little bit on a losing hand. Will I have any left? I may really need it later...