The Grey Area

I didn't post all weekend because what was I gonna write about? Every time I think at all about this "situation" I can only muster up a bizzarly quizzocal look and a grunt about "waiting".  Writing something even remotely real, let alone profound or entertaining in any way, just wasn't in the cards.  But of course, the story has to have a climax.  Or at least, another "result" of some sort.

Went to the doctor this morning and got the ultrasound before my bloodwork.  B came with again, he's only missed like 2 visits, both of which were only blood draws. He's a rockstar. But then again, I haven't missed any. So that puts me at supermodel status or something. ...

I had a pretty heavy bleed this weekend. Started on Saturday.  Had some gnarley cramps, and passed some even more gnarleyness.  Yes big brother, you may not want to continue on for the rest of this paragraph...  I thought for sure I had miscarried when I saw the second huge clot in the toilet, it was intense.  The cramps lasted most of Saturday.  I felt much better on Sunday, had just a little more bleeding but no more big clots or anything. So I thought the ultrasound would show that it was gone...

Nope, there was still an empty sac of some sort in my uterus.  Dr. Z felt pretty confident that it hadn't shrunk much.  But he also felt pretty confident that this is an intrauterine miscarriage.  So he gave me three options, with the caveat that if my HCG number went up a lot we'd start over with talking about an ectopic.  He didn't think that would happen, so here were my choices.  1) Go home and wait it out for a week in hopes that it takes care of itself, but if after a week we're still in the same boat, we move on to the other two options for fear of infection. 2) take Cyctotec which is a drug that dilates the cervix and causes the uterine lining to shed. This has some not good side effects for about 24 hours and only works about 50% of the time in my circumstances.  3) a D & C which for those not in the know with the infertility buzz words, this little gem is used to clean out the uterus via "scraping" if you will. Sorry, that was a little harsh.  It's actually quite common and is used to obtain uterine lining samples for tests and such outside of infertility as well.  It's an outpatient procedure, and I'd be under anesthesia. Unfortunately, it can cause scar tissue in the uterus which can affect future pregnancies, so not my favorite.

I mean, none of these options are optimal. It's a miscarriage, nothing is optimal.  But I honestly have no idea what we would have chosen to do because about an hour after we left the office we got the call about my HCG, and it went from 600 to 1500.

1500! ... Remember when it was 12?

 So yeah, not exactly "down". No?

I don't know WHY I keep thinking it's not going to rise significantly or that it's going down. :: Enter image of One Day's head ramming into the same wall over and over again. ::  I just really thought this was going to be the one mildly less complicated thing. 

So Dr. Z, with way too much surprise and wonder in his voice, explained that he needed me to come into the office for the methotrexate shots because he feels this is ectopic.  With a 1500 HCG, he should be able to see more in the uterus.  My little uterus sac looks far too much like a "pseudo sac" linked to an ectopic for him to feel comfortable.  My question, if you should be able to see something in my uterus, then wouldn't you be able to see something in my tubes or elsewhere? The answer- No. "It's a grey area".  A mother F'ing grey area.  They don't want to wait and see what happens when one of the options is me ending up in the emergency room being prepped for emergency surgery because my tube ruptured and now I'm dying...blah blah.

I got the two shots of methotrexate this afternoon. I go back in on Friday for a follow-up beta.  Then on Monday again. If my HCG doesn't decrease 25% by Monday, I have to get another two shots.  We will keep monitoring at least once a week, if not twice, until my HCG is below 0. I have a feeling that's gonna be a loooong time from now.  Thoughts?

Oh, ps- Dr. Z took my liver function test last week to determine if it was ok for me to take this MTX shot. I guess if your liver's not doing so hot, this bad boy can really do some damage.  So he tells me today right before the needle is injected into my right ass cheek, that my liver function test had some kind of high numbers.  He wants to test again on Friday.  Not high enough that he wouldn't go ahead with the MTX, but high.  I asked if it's still high on Friday is there anything we can do to help? He said no.  Um. Ok. Yeah, that sounds about right. WTF???????????????????????????????????

I swear I'm not an alcoholic, no matter what my blog and blood tests show.  But I mean, honestly. I want to go to Vegas and party like a rockstar and pretend like my life is still mildly drama free and the only thing pseudo about me is my dance skills.  But alas, me and my pseudo-sac will be sitting our asses at home, drinking some water, and using this as an excuse to gain another three pounds.  I mean, it's not my fault I can't eat salad or exercise. My doctor made me do it. I have a note!