I don't think I've cried that much ... well... ever. I mean, my eyes literally felt like they were bugging out of my head. I was squeezing tears out so quickly they just dried up and were ready to vacate. I woke up this morning to a malformed puff staring back at me in the mirror. I could hardly open my eyes they were so puffy. IVF has some additional side effects they don't talk about in all the books. Dry, tired, puffy, post-crying eyes; wasn't expecting that. At least not that much.
It was a rough night, that's for sure. I think the hardest part was not taking the medication. I have a secret...I still haven't taken my estrogen patches off. I know, I'm sick. Maybe I should in fact drive over hope with my car repeatedly. Hope makes me stupid.
But honestly, I'm not actually hoping on this one anymore. I just don't want to stop the medicine, it's like giving up on it in an unnatural way. I tried to talk B into letting me go ahead and just do the suppositories one more day. He's a smart man and said no...no, that's probably not ok. I promptly cried for the 43rd time and he still held me. Like I said, he's a smart man. The best, most understanding one in the whole world.
I called Dr. Z's office this morning to make sure that they really wanted me to stop EVERYTHING. I mean, maybe they just meant cut back. Or stop a little. Right? No, wrong. They confirmed, I'm a nut job.
So it's back to do another beta tomorrow morning. I'm sure I'll cry when I get there. Maybe in the chair. That blood draw lady knows me too well, she'll probably say something like "You're still here! Congrats!" And I'll start crying and it'll be phenomenally awkward.
Oh, did I tell you that I got the call from the doctor while I was at work? Oh man, I'll have to tell you about it tomorrow. It was epic. I'm going to be a legend in my office.