Thursday, August 12, 2010

Dry Eyes

I don't think I've cried that much ... well... ever.  I mean, my eyes literally felt like they were bugging out of my head.  I was squeezing tears out so quickly they just dried up and were ready to vacate. I woke up this morning to a malformed puff staring back at me in the mirror.  I could hardly open my eyes they were so puffy.  IVF has some additional side effects they don't talk about in all the books.  Dry, tired, puffy, post-crying eyes; wasn't expecting that.  At least not that much.

It was a rough night, that's for sure. I think the hardest part was not taking the medication.  I have a secret...I still haven't taken my estrogen patches off.  I know, I'm sick. Maybe I should in fact drive over hope with my car repeatedly.  Hope makes me stupid. 

But honestly, I'm not actually hoping on this one anymore.  I just don't want to stop the medicine, it's like giving up on it in an unnatural way.  I tried to talk B into letting me go ahead and just do the suppositories one more day.  He's a smart man and said, that's probably not ok. I promptly cried for the 43rd time and he still held me.  Like I said, he's a smart man.  The best, most understanding one in the whole world.

I called Dr. Z's office this morning to make sure that they really wanted me to stop EVERYTHING.  I mean, maybe they just meant cut back. Or stop a little.  Right?  No, wrong. They confirmed, I'm a nut job.

So it's back to do another beta tomorrow morning.  I'm sure I'll cry when I get there. Maybe in the chair.  That blood draw lady knows me too well, she'll probably say something like "You're still here! Congrats!" And I'll start crying and it'll be phenomenally awkward.

Oh, did I tell you that I got the call from the doctor while I was at work? Oh man, I'll have to tell you about it tomorrow. It was epic. I'm going to be a legend in my office.


  1. Is it wrong that I both cried and laughed at your post. I am having a terrible day and can't stop crying and I find comfort in your humour. Your willingness to be honest is so admirable. I would wear that freakin patch until it literally fell off. I might even keep it in a box afterwards just to spite the doctor.
    I hate "bad eggs" and endometriosis. The only reason I hate the idea of doing IVF is because I know that it still won't account for my "bad eggs". I can handle the pain (god what endo sufferer can't) and the mood swings (I am a bit off anyways) but the fact that I am still at a disadvantage because of my eggs just pisses me off.
    What the hell else can endo take from us!!!!!
    P.S. Fuck Alanis Morisette for announcing her pregnancy today of all days (Okay clearly I am just a bit too angry)

  2. Thanks for the post on my blog. I have to wait for 6 weeks for two main reasons:
    1. The first appointment I was offered was the first day back to school and although I was tempted to make it a half day and head off to the clinic I know the principal and parents would freak out
    2. Canada's health care is sketchy like that. Although I shouldn't complain because up until now (if I do IVF) it has been paid for by the governement. However, this means doctors are overworked and it is hard to get appointments. Actually I went over the border to get my first CAT scan because I didn't want to wait to know if the growths on my ovaries were tumors or cysts. It was worth the $ to have the piece of mind.
    3. I wanted a follow up apppointment with the RE (I am trying to sound American) so I had to find a time when he could meet with me after my ultra sound so it added a bit of a wait. Otherwise I would have to go to two seperate appointments (the office is 45 minutes from home).
    At this point I am kind of secretly hoping both tubes are blocked because then the government pays for 3 sessions of IVF. Although I know that either way I will be frustrated. Hubby agrees with you and thinks we should go somewhere else where the doctor actually remembers some of the details of my medical history. He is convinced he is a quack. My only defense for him is maybe he was asking if I wanted to pursue pregnancy because I had mentioned some of the pain I have been experiencing (I like to make excuses for people), maybe he thought we wanted to take a breather.
    Anyways I hope hubby continues to make you laugh and you get some answers about what happened. Will you be doing another cycle right away?
    Take care,

  3. I love that I mention 2 main reasons and then I go on to list 3. Instead of pregnancy brain I have infertile brain!

  4. I'm so sorry. I hope you that tomorrow is tolerable for you. I wish I had some comforting words, but I know that right now, nothing would really help anyway. Just know that you are not alone, and that you have people hoping and praying for you. )))HUG(((

  5. Aw, hon. I am sending hugs. Sometimes those kinds of cries are the only thing that helps. Much love to you...

  6. So i decided to google "hope" to see what came up... i guess i maybe thought i was gonna see a 16 wheeler running over hope.. back and forth..back and forth.. till it was flat and dead. but shockingly this came up..
    Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it has all finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask did i get through all of that??
    Your an exstreamly strong woman. Through all of the hurddles in your life so far ive always asked myself.. how did she do that? how did she get through it?
    Your amazing little friend.
    I love you.
    p.s. tommorow im going to buy a 16 wheeler. Mommy said i could put it on the credit card..dont worry.
    "Hope" you better watch out.. Here i come.

  7. I cried and cried when I got my BFN year morning, and when my period started. I also have the puffy eyes. Not a good look. I'm stopping everything this morning. It feels so final.
    I'm so sorry you have been through such a rollercoaster ride. Really hoped all would work put for us.
    Hugs. X

  8. Ah, Hope. Yeah, pretty familiar with both loving and hating her. It's funny... Hope breaks our hearts, but she also keeps us going. I mean really, if you didn't have Hope there for you, would you keep putting yourself up to the baby-making challenge? Yeah...

    So, don't kill Hope - just knock her down a peg or two on your "friends" list.

    Hubby and I went through so many losses over the years, but Hope kept us moving on to where we are today. I'm still hoping that this current PG will result in a baby girl. Notice I didn't say anything about a guarantee. The IF pain doesn't really stop with pregnancy... It does get lesser to a certain degree though, until something goes wrong and you figure out that you have to start over again. I think that's the hardest to live with.