Thursday, August 5, 2010

Just Wreckless

Why? Why does it have to be so friggin difficult?

I was dead set on today being a day of serious let down or ridiculous excitement.  But alas, today is a day of plain old panic/confusion/awkardness/confusion/wonder. 

Dr. Z called me directly and started off with "I've got good news and I've got bad news." I mean WTF does that mean? You can't say shit like that to me, I'm hormonal!

So he proceeded to tell me that I'm pregnant.  Enter collective gasp! ::Faint:: So I say "What?" He says "You're pregnant." I say "What?" He says "You're PREGNANT".  I say "Seriously?" He gets slightly irritated.

Then I remember his previous caveat.  "I've got good news and I've got bad news."

Enter collective "WTF?" (For Grammy, that means What the Heck?...)

So then he tells me my HCG level is 12. 


For those not way-too-knowledgeable-about-pregnancy-and-IVF-for-their-own-good like me, 12 is a bad number. 

I asked Dr. Z what he would like to see at 14dpo (even though I know the answer), and he says somewhere around 60-70 would be good, higher would be ideal.  Mine is 12.

I'll give you another moment with that number.


He says that he's seen numbers this low end up good, but very few and far between.  So, we're on the wait and see bus now.  It's a bus ride full of bullshit and splendor.  Riding through fear and doubt, covered in hope with a little dread.

We have another Beta test on Monday morning. It has to be up to 50 for Dr. Z to keep me on medicine and let me ride this out.

I so so so wanted to be excited if I even heard the word pregnant.  And I promised that I would be! I mean, I made it public on the internet that I would be.  That's serious.  And then this happens and totally flips my entire plan. I had a PLAN! damn.

So today I'm feeling "cautiously optimistic" as the doctor put it.  Definitely not excited.  I mean, few and far between is not exactly a mathematical statistic or anything, but if it was it would look something like "YOU SUCK".

I feel pathetic.  Like I did something wrong or something. I know, I totally didn't. I rocked this 2ww.  I mean, I laid down for like 72 hours, and I'm awful at doing that.  I even made sure to take my baby aspirin all but one day.  And I totally rocked the progesterone- I'm even what I would like to call "good" at progesterone suppositories. It's possible, I'm living it.

I did eat an awful lot of sugar and maybe a few hundred more grams of carbs than necessary.  But I think that's ok in my eyes.  Any child of mine would totally love that.  Definitely wouldn't be the cause of any low HCG levels.  Right?

So here are my super scientific theories on why One Day's HCG presented an ever enthusiastic 12 on test day:

THEORY 1. We're slow.  We like to do things slow around here.  I mean, we walk fast because we're awkwardly tall and that's just how our legs take us, but really our actual pace is pretty slow on a regular basis.  So I think that these little embryos are a little slow too.  Let's examine further.

       1a.  We had 7 eggs fertilize on day 1 (or 2 or whatever). The next time they checked out said eggies, 11 were fertilized. Yes, we had 4 slow fertilizing eggs.  Was it the sperm? Were they slow sperm? Was it the eggies? Slow eggies? Was it the lab? Did it all just look different but they had actually fertilized appropriately before? None of that matters! STAY FOCUSED!
       1b. We had 9 beautiful looking embryos on Day 3.  Rockstars if I don't say so myself. These were champions people, cream of the crop.  On day 5, not one of those little champs looked like Day 5. Do you wanna know why? CUZ THEY DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT.  They were just taking their time. Ripening is a good way to look at it.  They had decided another day would be best before proper "ripening", they were getting there. 
       1c. Those "not-so-good" embryos don't really have much shot at implanting.  BUT, I have HCG.  Which means there had to be some sort of implantation, right? Soooooo, the whole point of this theory: They were just slow to implant! Obviously! The 12 was just because little Petrie and Ducky have been lagging the whole time, and they're probably girls and really need to take their time, and implantation was no different.  So they just recently implanted and threw out their very first attempt at this HCG business (which really is a tough business to get rolling, I mean, they're babies. They're not rocket scientists...yet).  So 12 was like they were just going "Hey there. Nice to meet you. We're here, just getting settled in. We'll see you again on Monday."

THEORY 2. I'm awkward. Everything about me is awkward.  I mean, not me as a person- I'm pretty awesome actually.  But my body is super awkward.  It does things awfully.  (Except swimming.  That's the one thing it does really, really well.  And it was pretty rock star at it.  But everything else it does pretty awful.)  Like take for instance my tonsils.  Those are supposed to sit in your throat and chill. That's they're job, ish.  But instead, my tonsils decided to do that awfully and get super gross infected and collect gross bacteria and be labeled "cryptic" and cause me to get an awful fever and a big pussy abscess and then demand to be ripped out at the ever so lovely age of 21.  Ew, don't get your tonsils out that old, by the way. It's awful. But then my throat was awesome after that! So those tonsils did their job awfully but look what happened when modern medicine intervened.  Well, the same thing goes for my reproductive system, obviously.  So instead of getting pregnant normally, like it's supposed to, my reproductive system has decided to do it really, really poorly.  Not that it won't happen, and it'll be rock star, but it'll just happen really awfully.  Like, I'll get fluid in my uterus when it's supposed to be all nice and clean and pretty for a baby to be implanted in it.  Then that will fall out really grossly.  Then I'll produce awesome eggs that will fertilize pretty awfully and then fertilize pretty good, and then develop well, and then develop super awfully.  And then we'll transfer embryos and then they'll implant super awfully and give a pathetic number of 12 on their HCG test and then we'll probably get all kinds of awful numbers and I'll probably have all kinds of problems, and then we'll have a baby and then it won't have anything to do with my awful body anymore and it will be AWESOME!

So those are my incredibly scientific theories on the number 12.

If you have any sort of success story with such a low low low beta number that looks almost laughable, please let me know. If you know of anyone who had a neighbor with a cousin who's cat has a success story with such a low pathetic beta number, please let me know.  Comment away bloggy friends, I need a little help here.  The internets aren't doing their job and telling me everything I want to hear.  They're telling me things like "My number was 45 and it was so horrible" and then I'm like...12.  Yikes.

If you don't have a story, go ahead and lie to me. That's cool, I'm good with that.  I won't judge you or berate you later.  I promise. ish.

If you have a sad story about a beta of 12, go ahead and tell you're neighbor's cousins cat. Cuz I don't wanna hear it.



  1. Try to focus on the fact that you are pregnant, this is awesome. I have never heard those words myself and it is full of hope. I have always liked the number 12!
    Good Luck and stop torturing yourself by reading online. Remember every pregnancy is different and there are no rules to how it will go.

  2. I like Theory 1. You were always late to everything but the finish line. Let's go with 'slow'.

  3. Oh hun, so frustrating!!
    I also like theory one. They are taking their time. They were checking out all angles first, deciding the best spot to snuggle down in, therefore were a little slower!!
    I really hope they kick into gear for Monday!

  4. Don't be hard on yourself and try to keep your head up! Anything above 5 is pregnant, and, really all that matters is that things double and pick up from this point forward. Its nothing you've done and nothing you can do right now but hope and pray...and we will be doing the same for you!!!! Hugs!

  5. Your RE said it can still happen. That is enough for me. While "cautiously optimistic" isn't the most ideal way to start off a pregnancy, there is still a chance.

    Now for my story: A similar thing happened to a friend of mine TWICE. Baby one had an initial hcg of under 30 (not sure what, but it was pretty low). Her doc told her she could stop meds or continue, it was her call. She continued. In the end, she had an energetic little girl nineish months later. The same thing happened to her again for pg #2. Her inital beta was low. Doc was more optimistic the second time (although she wasn't) and told her to continue meds. She did-- a boy was born from that pregnancy. Eggs looked crappy and just took a bit longer to get going. So, my point is that it can happen!

    I am keeping you in my thoughts. I am holding hope that YOU are going to be the one others in this situation can read about and see that there is hope!

    Hugs, my dear.