5dp5dt

This 2ww is slower than anything. ever. I can't tell you how many times I've looked up early pregnancy symptoms online. I'm a nut job. Honestly, there's something about this process that really makes a person lose a little bit of their mind.  I used to consider myself reasonably sane. Possibly even a bit intelligent from time to time.  All of that was thrust out the door with my "fertility" and my dignity. Bottoms off and on the table is right. Too many people know too much about my lady business... but this is IVF. Every agonizing minute of it.  From the larger than life ovaries to the "chalk full of progesterone".

I need to get my mind off of this. I need to somehow think of something other than "what if".  Or "could it be". Or "what the f*$# is that?".

B and I just spent the last hour or so cleaning up the house for the family to come over. Thank God the family is coming over. If I have to sit here and wonder for one more minute I'll lose it.

I have a confession to make. It's a sad little confession.  I woke up this morning at 6:10am and POAS. Yes, 10dpo, and I did it.  And it was sad. It was negative. The most negative of all negatives. The brightest white blank spot on a pregnancy test you've ever seen. It was taunting me- laughing at me. "You idiot girl.  You thought you were that lucky? That you could poas at 10dpo and see a line? Who do you think you are? You're no better than anybody else. You have to wait your turn. So get back in line and shutup...maybe one day...maybe." 

This was all going down in my bathroom at 6:13am.

So I promptly jumped back in bed, just to jump back out of bed about 2 minutes later to jump on the faithful internets. Give it to me, internet! Tell me what I want to hear! So I googled it. How many days past ovulation until you saw the bfp? Any success stories of BFN to BFP? What's the earliest and latest you've seen bfp? Tell me. NOW!

Of course I saw just what I wanted to see.  10 days is far too early for most people.  11 days might even be too early. Hell, I could get BFN for two weeks before I see the BFP. I could be down and out, thinking it's all over and then the BFP fairy will pop out and chuckle: "Oh, c'mon. I was just having a little fun. Here. Here you go. Buck up!"

There were, of course, plenty of "I got my BFP at 9dpo" or "I was 7 dpo and the line was darker than the AF you're about to have..."

But I don't want to see those. no. I'll stick with the good ol' "It's too early for a BFP. It could still come. Don't lose hope". That's a much easier pill to swallow. ::gulp::

I'm gonna go bake some cookies and vow up, down, and sideways that I won't pee on any sticks until at least 12dpo.  Maybe ever. Maybe I'll never pee on anything ever again.