Tuesday, July 27, 2010

And Then There Were.....2

I'm writing this on a piece of paper from bed.  My B is typing it up for me because our stupid wireless is broken....Along with my spirit....melodramatic much?

Today was not the special day I thought it would be, that I was hoping for.  We've spent the last two days pondering whether to transfer 1 or 2 of our glorious quality embryos.  I should have known better.  Every time I get even remotely optimistic, it breaks my heart.  My heart is so broken.

We got to the office, bladder pain in tow, and put on our cute little smocks, all giggles and jokes.  Nothing but optimism.  Dr. Z and the embryologist came in and handed me the photo of 2 embryos.  I felt proud I mean, they just look like blobs but I thought for sure they were the best blobs those doctors had ever seen.  Then the embryologist said they were grade 2 and grade 3.  I paused.  What?  Grade 3 was the bad one.  It must switch at the blastocyst phase.  Grade 3 means perfection! Got it!


She looked me in the eye and said we have no more grade 1's they didn't last.  They didn't make it.  We only have one grade 2.  It's "slow" developing.  They aren't sure what it will do.  There's only one grade 3.  It's not great, but the others are all stuck in day 3.  They stopped developing.

Dr. Z said he was definitely alarmed.  He's concerned about this prognosis.  Doesn't know if it's the egg, the sperm, the two.  He said the endo may have something to do with it.  We transferred our two embryos and were told there probably won't be any to freeze.  We'll know for sure tomorrow.

Dr. Z started talking about if this one doesn't work, he'll want to do some more tests.  But he told me to try and stay positive in the moment.  Keep with this cycle and try to believe.  We had a lot of nurses say the same.  A lot of pity looks.  Everyone was incredibly nice.  "We're rooting for you!"

B told me to talk to the embryos.  He told me to tell them that I believe in them.  We named them Petrie and Ducky (anyone get the "Land Before Time" reference?)  I'm having an incredibly hard time believing.  I don't want optimism.  I don't want to hurt like this again.

At least we had 2 left.  At least we got to transfer any.

So for now, I'll eat the pineapple and walnuts.  I'll try to will these little two to implant.  And I'll try to believe in them....Little two - I'm here.  I'm your mom.  I'm trying my hardest....don't give up on me yet.  I won't give up on you either.  Thanks for sticking around for us this far.  Now try to get comfortable, and I'll be here the whole time...waiting for you.



  1. Oh, hon. Try not to let this get to you. I know this stuff is so, so hard. But, I know of a couple who had 5 fragmented grade B- blasts (like grade 2s at your clinic) she has 5 kids now. Two sets of twins and a single from those bad blasts. They never thought they'd have one kid with the blasts they had, much less 5!

    Plus, there is a blog "On (In)Fertile Ground" who has in her history this bit: "late 10/09-11/09 - IVF#2 No Lupron Protocol, 75U Menopur, 15 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized, day-5 transfer of the 3 surviving poor-quality embryos (2 blasts, 1 morula), BFP!!" Um, she had quads in May. QUADS from 3 poor-quality embryos!

    If 3 poor quality embryos can become QUADS, your little blasts can become twins, no sweat. :-)

    You can't tell what a blast will do just by looks. If they could, everyone would get pregnant.

    Dont' give up hope!

    Now, go have that sweet husband of yours write a message on your belly to your little embabies right now! :-)

    Hugs. I know it hurts when things don't live up to our expectations, but you are NOT OUT OF THE GAME YET!!!

    Much love.

  2. Email me if/when you need another pep talk, my dear. I am good at pep talking. Plus, I am totally rooting for you! (you can find it through my user profile on my blog) :-)

  3. Found it! http://oninfertileground.blogspot.com/2009/11/finally-pupo.html


  4. I am sorry. This is not what you wanted to hear but, everyone is right, there is some hope. These could def give you your BFP!

    People have had perfect grade 1's transfered and got a BFN, others have had grades 2 and 3 transfered and got BFP's! You can not say for certain that these are no good. There is a chance, there is hope. Do not give up!