I'm writing this on a piece of paper from bed. My B is typing it up for me because our stupid wireless is broken....Along with my spirit....melodramatic much?
Today was not the special day I thought it would be, that I was hoping for. We've spent the last two days pondering whether to transfer 1 or 2 of our glorious quality embryos. I should have known better. Every time I get even remotely optimistic, it breaks my heart. My heart is so broken.
We got to the office, bladder pain in tow, and put on our cute little smocks, all giggles and jokes. Nothing but optimism. Dr. Z and the embryologist came in and handed me the photo of 2 embryos. I felt proud I mean, they just look like blobs but I thought for sure they were the best blobs those doctors had ever seen. Then the embryologist said they were grade 2 and grade 3. I paused. What? Grade 3 was the bad one. It must switch at the blastocyst phase. Grade 3 means perfection! Got it!
She looked me in the eye and said we have no more grade 1's they didn't last. They didn't make it. We only have one grade 2. It's "slow" developing. They aren't sure what it will do. There's only one grade 3. It's not great, but the others are all stuck in day 3. They stopped developing.
Dr. Z said he was definitely alarmed. He's concerned about this prognosis. Doesn't know if it's the egg, the sperm, the two. He said the endo may have something to do with it. We transferred our two embryos and were told there probably won't be any to freeze. We'll know for sure tomorrow.
Dr. Z started talking about if this one doesn't work, he'll want to do some more tests. But he told me to try and stay positive in the moment. Keep with this cycle and try to believe. We had a lot of nurses say the same. A lot of pity looks. Everyone was incredibly nice. "We're rooting for you!"
B told me to talk to the embryos. He told me to tell them that I believe in them. We named them Petrie and Ducky (anyone get the "Land Before Time" reference?) I'm having an incredibly hard time believing. I don't want optimism. I don't want to hurt like this again.
At least we had 2 left. At least we got to transfer any.
So for now, I'll eat the pineapple and walnuts. I'll try to will these little two to implant. And I'll try to believe in them....Little two - I'm here. I'm your mom. I'm trying my hardest....don't give up on me yet. I won't give up on you either. Thanks for sticking around for us this far. Now try to get comfortable, and I'll be here the whole time...waiting for you.