Wednesday, July 21, 2010

So close!

I can't believe we're retrieving tomorrow morning! Wow. This IVF situation has been a rocky road- but it's gone by pretty fast actually.  It doesn't feel that long ago that we were sitting in Dr. Z's office deciding whether he was the right RE.  Or even that long ago since we sat at our first RE's office terrified of his prognosis. That was a year ago. 

I remember when I was 19 years old, sitting in the emergency room, writhing in pain- wondering what was wrong with me.  Scared to death of what was coming, what was happening, who was around me.  I had no idea.  But deep down I knew, it was one of the most terrifying things I've ever been through.  My late coach, a true inspiration to me, sat next to me for hours waiting to be seen by ... anyone.  My teammate, another coach - we all sat there while I cried and cringed.  No one knew what was going on. I was in Southern California on a trip- I was just a baby.  When they finally pulled me into a room and did a quickie vaginal exam with a speculum that was too big, I could hardly open my legs I was so horrified.  That was just the beginning.  Just a speck on the history that I've had with this horrible disease. The disease that has dictated my future in nearly every way.

But now, years upon years later, I feel empowered to know that I have this disease.  My mother had it.  It took her uterus at 29.  She's one of the strongest women I know.  It's robbed more than I'd like to admit of my own.  But it also has given me such a sense of self- a way of measuring my own strength and my own determination to survive each day better than the last.  Nothing has really come easy to me since all of this started, and thank God for that.  Who would I be without it? I can't even imagine the differences in my world without the hurdles I've been blessed to jump.  I hated most every minute of it, and it's defined me as a warrior in my own right. 

So I'm faced with my biggest hurdle yet.  The one that I've feared since that first moment I truly understood what my future held.  At 19- the words "it won't be easy for you" mean so many things.  But they are a glorious reminder today of the power I have within me, the grace God has given me, and the faith I have that His will is being done in my life rather than my own.

Today, I have a tremendous man by my side to hold my hand, remind me of that inner strength, and lift me up when my own determination isn't enough. Today I have a family that surrounds me with love and care, the kind of family who understands what each pain means and what each setback holds.  Today, I have the means to allow us this miracle of a chance at a family.  We are so lucky.

So tomorrow is the first big step.  Sixteen chances for what I was never sure could be possible. 

It's such a beautiful thing. It's empowering, and it's terrifying.  Don't ever forget this moment of innocence and truth, don't ever forget this feeling of life.  The possibilities are so vivid.  The future is so uncertain.  This is real, and we are meant to be right here.


  1. Maybe this is kind of weird to say, but reading this made me so proud of you. To have this kind of perspective after everything you have been through is awesome. I first met you when you were going through all of this, so for the past 9 years I have seen how much you've grown. I wish you hadn't had to walk such a hard road, but I agree that it has made you the amazing person you are today. I'm so glad you are my sister and my friend!

  2. Its amazing what you have been through and your way of looking at things. It is also amazing how simular our story is! I was sitting in the emergency room at 18 when I found out about my endometriosis!
    Will be thinking of you, hope your retrieval goes well!!

  3. Bless you, bless you, bless you.