We went in for our last monitoring appointment this morning. My uterine lining is "textbook perfect". I mean, really? The nurse even commented. I so so so hope that this means that that fluid debacle won't matter. I so hope that this means I can let my guard down just for a little bit, just a teensy bit.
We triggered about an hour and a half ago. Got the call this morning to trigger at 9:15pm- it was about 9:25 when we actually did it because the needle broke and we were super paranoid about the 1cc of water situation...that 1cc of water was a whole lot more than the 5cc of Lupron we've been injecting...so confused. But it seemed right in the end, and I hope it was. Nothing we can do now. But Dr. Z did warn us that people sometimes use 10cc of water and it totally dillutes the HCG and messes everything up- so that's probably why we were so paranoid.
My ovaries are still rocking it out. Around 16 or so follicles measured today. Around 20mm each. More on the right than the left. All looking good!
We have no shot tomorrow. None. Weird. I'm also out of dexamethazone...hopefully that's ok. Don't know if I dropped a pill or something- hopefully the cat didn't get it. That's not funny. We have to be at the office at 7:30am on Thursday for our retrieval. No food or drink after midnight Wednesday. No perfumes, lotions, anything with odor...no jewelry or valuables (leave the diamonds at home, check). B will be with me for the prep and then when they take me in to the procedure room, he gets to go do his thing and then wait for me. Please enjoy the black leather chair, B! And don't forget to give me details when I wake up!!!
I talked to the doctor this morning about the one big concern I've had over the past couple of days (beside the fluid). I mentioned yesterday that my stomach feels like it's going to rip open and monsters may climb out. That's not all jokes. Ok, maybe not monsters and all. But I have had stage 4 endometriosis for years. And my endo is aggressive, and particularly fond of forming adhesions. Two laparoscopies later and I'm completely covered in scar tissue and adhesions- from my bladder, to my ureters, to my kidneys...to my diaphram. They're all over. My tubes are covered in adhesions, sticking them to anything and everything they're not supposed to be sticking to (hence infertility issues...) and the scar tissue has damaged a lot of the normal tissue in there (especially on my tubes). Well, with the stimming, I've gotten a lot more of that old endo pain. I thought maybe it was the drugs, causing my endo to rear it's ugly head. But Dr. Z pointed out that these drugs wouldn't really make the endo worse. What he said was frightening- and I've thought about it before, just didn't want to really go there.
So my stomach is full of scar tissue, connecting organs to eachother, and to my pelvic sidewall, etc. These drugs have made my ovaries about 4 times their normal size. Hence, there has had to be some movement in my abdomen. Scar tissue plus movement, equals pain. I've had some serious sharp pain- adhesions ripping. I can feel every gas bubble, every bladder twinge- mainly because there's less room in there. Trigger the shuttering scary thought...my ovaries are only 4 times their size. What will a baby do?
Pregnancy often times reduces endometriosis pain because of the amount of hormones produced that decrease the endo. However, scar tissue and adhesions don't go away unless they are removed (and often times, "removing" adhesions is what creates a lot of scar tissue...). So when my uterus starts growing, I'm going to be in a lot of pain- so says Dr. Z.
This is a scary thought. Not a thought that would come even close to make me question pregnancy- I want nothing more than to carry our child. But I'm scared, too. The pain wakes me up at night now. It's excruciating when I have anything in my bladder. Any tiny little gas pain is multiplied exponentially right now. I'm scared for what it will be like. ... Guilt ensues... I want so badly to be pregnant, and here I am saying I'm scared of it. But I have to be honest, this pain is life altering. It affects everything I do. It hinders every movement. It's constantly on my mind. What will I be like? It wakes me up at night. How will I sleep when I'm pregnant?
Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself. I know one day we'll be pregnant, hopefully one day very, very soon. But we're not there yet. And I know that we'll get through anything. I can get through anything. It's just pain, right? Pain won't kill me. I just wish this wasn't here. I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't have to list off thirteen things when the nurse asks me for my medical history for our retrieval. I wish she didn't have to ask for documentation...
But I wish more than anything to know what it's like to carry our baby, to feel that miracle, and to share that with my husband. It rips me apart. This may not be the road that a little girl dreams of, but it's our road. It's our journey. I'll cry about it often, but I know one day it will take us exactly where we're supposed to be. Maybe with some hurdles, bumps, bruises and pain...but only as much as we can handle. Lord, let it only be as much as we can handle.