I'm not really sure what to write tonight. We had our first monitoring appointment this morning. I was nervous, too nervous, that my ovaries weren't responding to the medication. Wrong. That my ovaries were over-responding to the medication. Wrong. That my ovaries had up and walked out and we wouldn't be able to find them...wrong. No, something else.
There was fluid in my uterus. Not just a little. There was a substantial amount of fluid in my uterus. I don't know how much, but it was a big dark blob on the screen, where it was supposed to be grey, I know that. Dr. Z immediately said he was concerned. We need to monitor it. He then went on to say that if it doesn't go away, we'll have to cancel the transfer. No baby.
He isn't ready to throw in the towel yet. He wants to monitor. He also said that we could go ahead with retrieval, harvest the eggs, and freeze for a future FET. But maybe no transfer.
Oh, the eggs. Yes, I have some. "A lot" is what they told me. I was frustrated, scared...why? I went back to the nurse after Dr. Z had me get dressed to take my blood so I could ask how many follicles I had. I've seen other blogs where number and sizes of the follies are explained. I asked if the doctor said 12 and 6...I heard something about 12 and 6... she said she "couldn't remember". It was about 2 and a half minutes earlier.
I started tearing up in the hallway as I waited with B to get my blood drawn. I am the "expect the worst" girl. I should have been prepared. But I never even thought my uterus would come into play. That was my one saving grace. My one fall-back. My uterus is the only thing I have that functions properly most of the time (not the actual lining- no, that grows on anything and everything in my abdominal cavity that it's NOT supposed to grow on...but inside my uterus, it's a happy place I thought...)
B was good. He consoled me and told me not to worry. There was good news, he tried to remind me. My ovaries work! I have approximately 18 follies right now if I heard correctly and if the doctor even cared. It was a good effort on B's part, but I was lost at "cancelled transfer".
I lost it in the car on the way to work. I had to suck it up and go in there. But I had a five minute drive to let it go. And I did. I couldn't get a hold of anyone on the phone, so instead I listened to the country music station and lost it completely. B was driving in front of me, I was sure he could see my ridiculousness.
He walked into work with me. He told me to write down all the good things, the positive things. He said he loved me.
He called me a few hours later and told me he was nervous. He started researching and it doesn't look good. A lot of women get this fluid in the uterus due to tubal complications. A lot of those women end up needing to remove their tubes. A lot of failed IVF cycles, cancelled cycles...and miscarriages...linked to fluid in the uterus. "Toxic" splashed the web pages. B sounded concerned. I was so grateful. I'm not alone. We're in this together, he's right by my side. He's scared with me. He's hoping with me, but he's scared with me too. The amount of care he has for us, for me, for our family- it's ... perfect. He's my hero.
There's nothing I can do about this right now. I'm still taking the drugs. We got an email from the docs office tonight to keep with our same medications- my blood work looks good. I mean, my blood is even playing along? All of the stars are aligning...except for the place where our baby is supposed to be safest. "Home"
Nothing I can do tonight. We go in again Sunday morning for our second monitor. Dr. Z wants to see if it's still there. Maybe it will be gone- but will it be ok if it is? What if it's not?
I'm going to keep thinking of baby names. Hope. That's a good one.