My husband took me on a date last night. I got all dressed up; I wore a dress that I bought right before we went to Napa that I LOVE! It was on sale...we spent our Macy's gift cards from the wedding on it and many, many more beautiful things for me (and B) to wear!
We went to a steakhouse and I had some delicious prime rib, which I've been trying to stay away from (all red meat, especially undercooked) since we started the cycle. But I had to. It looked soooo good~! And it was, oh it was. I didn't have any wine with my meal, which is totally out of character and totally "we're trying to make a baby", so that's good. But we did have this glorious appetizer with lobster balls covered in garlic butter and served under a layer of baked cheese. What? What was that again? Yes, I said lobster balls covered in garlic butter served under a layer of baked cheese. I know, it's unbelievable. I may have wiped the bowl clean with two different forks and four pieces of bread...
Then, it was ice cream time. Cake batter ice cream with reese's and oreo's topped with caramel was right up my alley. We sat outside (hot! perfect for ice cream melting on and around my dress) right by this awesome water fountain by the movie theatre. Little kids were running through the fountain, kicking water at eachother, sitting on the water rockets, leap frogging over eachother and everything, all to some live music. Not bad, huh? Right now my mind is wandering to that "I wish we had a baby/future baby that could play in the fountain....". We talked about my niece and nephew and whether they would like it. They seem a little shy when it comes to stuff like that right now, with strangers...but sometimes my niece will chase any other "kid" down to get to know him. So maybe she'd love it. I think in either case, we need to try it out because I want to live vicariously!
So we went to the movie theatre after our ice cream was finished and my dress was sufficiently sticky. Please, please go see Inception. It was glorious. I haven't really been able to take Leo seriously since Titanic, but he redeemed himself for me last night. I have a piece of respect for him, and for whoever it was who thought of that storyline! Genius! I want to sit around and think up shit like that...you'll see when you go to the movie. You'll also have jealous feelings of being that smart.
Tomorrow is our next appointment. We have all of today, again, to sit and wait. I'm trying not to play the what-if game, but for some reason it just better prepares me. I hated that I wasn't expecting what the doctor found, or that I hadn't even thought of it is an option. If I had even an inkling that this could happen and possibly wreck everything, I think I'd be in a better place right now. I'm actually mad at myself on top of all of this for not being better prepared. I got super hopeful, a little too optomistic for my liking. It felt hella good, don't get me wrong. But it wrecked me more than I want. I need even-keeled. I need to stay level through all of this, the roller coaster and swinging from super excited to super nervous to super worried to wanting to use my husband's new chainsaw on any doctor I can find...not healthy.
I plan to go in to tomorrow with a little more info, and a LOT more demands. I'm not letting Dr. Z rush me, oh no. And yes, I know this is a Sunday morning appointment- the conveyer belt of infertile women trying to see their follicles will be astounding. But I'm going to be the bottle neck, ladies. I plan to have a pad of paper with pre-determined questions. I plan to ask for sizes and shapes and colors of every last follicle in my ovaries. I plan to ask about my tubes, my uterus, my new fancy fluid. I want amounts here, not just "fluid". We're talking measurements, maybe in teaspoons...that would help me.
My biggest question: If the fluid goes away like Dr. Z is hoping it will, what does that mean for the viability of this possible transfer? Check out this study done on fluid in the uterus during IVF: http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/17/2/351#T1
From study- (***Note, study completed 10 years ago) "None of the women with persistent uterine fluid accumulation up to the day of embryo transfer conceived. For cycles with transient uterine fluid accumulation, two intrauterine pregnancies (10%) with one aborted and one ectopic pregnancy were noted. Overall, there was only one successful pregnancy (2.8%) in 35 cycles of women with uterine fluid detected during IVF–embryo transfer cycles. In contrast, the pregnancy rate was 27.1% (193/711) and the abortion rate was 16.6% (32/193) among cycles with no fluid accumulation"
Basically, fluid in the uterus during any point of the IVF cycle decreases the likelihood of a successful cycle significantly. Significantly.
So would it be smart to really hope for the fluid to go away so we can do a transfer of some possibly good quality embryos and just end up with heartache and wasted embryos? Or would it be smarter to just know that there was fluid, it was the devil, it ruined everything- so we'll move to FET? Now, for our clinic, with a fresh IVF cycle, they have a 63% success rate of viable pregnancy (heartbeat and continuing) for my age group. With a frozen cycle, that number is not available, but there is a 51% success rate of clinical pregnancy (ultrasound shows gestational sac). That number is 67% for my age group with a fresh cycle. Our clinic has great success rates, and still pretty good with frozen transfers- I've heard places where it's cut in half. Sometimes around 25%.
So that'll be my big question, what's really smart here? Irrational hope? Or logical hesitation? I do love irrational hope in the moment, but like I said...not so good down the road for a girl like me.
Another question will be about OHSS. I'm doing that "prepared" thing and I'm worried for some reason that this could happen to me (because this kind of shit happens to me, sorry ma and grandma for the language). I want to know what it's like, what we would do, everything. I guess it becomes more of an issue after the trigger shot. I want to be prepared just in case. No more surprises.
What other questions should I have ready???