Oh yes, we are officially Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!
So- honestly, I'm feeling like I'm in some sort of alternate universe. Today's transfer was as nearly OPPOSITE to the last time as I think it could have been. Basically- to cut to the chase for those who can't sit through the next 5 minutes of my ramblings about the intricate (and fascinatingly lovely) details...it went GREAT! They transferred two grade one blastocysts (Grade 1 is the best grade at our clinic)! We have four more grade 2 blasts that will be frozen today and two or three others that are "slow" and might make it tomorrow! OMG, right?!?@?@? Yeah, I know. I cried, twice. This time, happy tears.
Ok- so like I was saying before, it was like an alternate universe. Almost every piece of it was so very different than the last time. Please, come along with me and see...
1. B decided to take the whole day off this time, as did I of course (because I haven't been to work in a week and still have almost two weeks left before I go back...which was the best decision EVER) whereas the last time, we both actually went to work the morning of the transfer to get just a little more done (seriously?)
2. I didn't get the valium in my package of meds and didn't realize until late yesterday so I needed to call the doctors office to get it, and then of course they can't call in a perscription for valium...it has to be written and signed. So this morning, B and I went early to Dr. Z's office to get the prescription, then we drove to the pharmacy, got the script filled, then popped that beautiful little pill. The last time, I actually forgot to take the valium until right before we got there which was about 35 minutes before the procedure. I panicked.
3. I'd say the most marked difference was driving to the doctors office. The last time, B and I were excited, confident. We had just spent the last two days debating whether we should transfer one or two of our perfect embryos. We had read all of the pros and cons, and we were fairly certain that two was the right thing for us. We laughed and played. ...This time, the drive to the office was quiet. B and I have spent the last two days in a blur of fear and doubt. We prayed that there would be any for us to transfer, and we actually talked about whether or not they would have called us if the transfer was gonna be cancelled because of no embryos, or if they would have us come in to tell us in person. We were nervous, sick, and scared.
4. Acupuncture. We did acupuncture this time...which was glorious. The acupuncturist called to let me know that he wouldn't be there, his partner Melanie would be doing it. Our nurse let us know that we'd do about 15 minutes before and 30 minutes after the transfer.
5. Oh, oh oh oh...that first inclination that things would be different. B and I walked into the doctor's office and I decided that we'd sit on the opposite side of the room than where we usually sit. Because we sat there, B happened to see our embryologist walk in from a break or lunch or something. She saw us because we were sitting closer to the door and flashed a double thumbs up and a very excited face. I freaked out. I stopped her and said "What??!?!" "Really?!?!?". She, luckily, decided it would be ok to let us know right out there in the waiting room that we've got two great ones and a few more to freeze. I started crying immediately. I couldn't have been happier. Then, get this, she actually said we'd need to decide between one or two. She said she'd be happy with two and I nearly cut her off to yell TWO!
6. We went back into that little room to undress and put my pretty gown on. Then the nurse came in and went through all of the necessary pieces. All was the same...until she said that Dr. L would be coming in to show us our embryos. I paused. Wait, Dr. L? Isn't Dr. Z my doctor? Nope- today was Dr. L's day. No one had mentioned that. I got a little nervous, but then B reassured me that Dr. L did the retrieval and look how it's gone so far. So I decided that there's nothing I can change- and Dr. L will be right for us. Plus, I was on valium, so I wasn't too concerned about much.
7. The visit from Dr. L and the embryologist was such a different experience. They came in while I was covered in needles with our babies first photo. They looked EXACTLY like they were supposed to! Oh my gosh, it was amazing. I wasn't sure if we'd ever see a picture like that unless it was of someone else's embies. But these were ours! Dr. L said that we were the right candidates for a single embryo transfer and with these blasts there's a 45% chance of twins. I explained that we had weighed all the pros and cons the last time around, and we were absolutely ready to transfer 2. I told him we would be happy to have twins, even though we know all of the risks. I couldn't believe I was really having that conversation...it was really happening for us! Oh man oh man! The last meeting with Dr. Z and the embryologist was incredibly sad. They even said that it was a long shot, but that we needed to stay positive. I honestly think they would have transferred three if we had 3 the last time. What a different experience.
8 They took us back to the transfer after our acupuncture session, and it went perfectly according to Dr. L. He talked us through everything, explaining all of the steps. Very different from Dr. Z. But the biggest difference was the lack of tears. During and after our last transfer, tears were streaming down my face as I thought of the two little embryos, our last hopes from that cycle, the ones who weren't even blasts at day 5...grade 2 and grade 3. This time, B and I just watched as they transferred our two perfect blasts...our great hopes for ...dare I say it...TWINS! :)
Oh wow, I have to be really careful here. I need to guard myself...I know what happens when I get optimistic. But caustious optimism, that feels really hard right now. I just want to be excited! But what if? What if this amazing chance turns into...well, just nothing? Please, please let this work. Please?
To our two little luckies, stay with us. You've got all of the hope in the world...you've got everything you need. I'll keep you safe, I promise. Just stick with us, ok? We love you. Oh so, so much.