So nervous!

That reckless optimism went out the door about 45 minutes after we found out about the HCG level... I wish I didn't have to say that.  Do normal women take pregnancy tests and just get excited and stay excited?  I sure hope not...Hopefully everyone has to think "what if" every single moment of every single day.  Ok, that's mean.

I'm still testing every day because I'm psychotic and it helps me.  But this morning, for the first time, the test line is DARKER than the control line.  Both are dark beautiful pink lines, but that pregnancy line stands out with all its glory.  Oh this made me feel so much better!  That's got to mean progress...just hopefully enough progress. 

I still constantly think about the last time and how we didn't double "appropriately" even though my HCG was going up...and they pulled me off of everything.  I will never let that happen again without a second opinion.  If my HCG is rising...I'm going to continue to stuff estrogen and progesterone in me via any orifice I can find (I'm imagining progesterone ear plugs...).

Please, pleeeease let it double today!  I just want to go into the weekend thinking "what if" on the other side...what if this actually works out.  My heart flutters...

My abdomen sure isn't "normal", that's for sure.  I have no nausea (which makes me nervous...I know, I'm neurotic), but I have plenty of pain in my abdomen. Plenty. That makes me feel much better actually...bring on the pain!  My bladder is on fire, anytime it gets remotely full it screams at me.  Any sort of jostling hurts; I'm talking taking a step, sitting down, coughing or laughing.  I'm guessing this is still my adhesions talking to me...letting me know that they've been the star of the show for almost ten years and how dare I go and try to push them out of the way. 

But I'll take it.  I'll take anything if it allows this to keep going.  For these two luckies to keep growing. Please keep growing!  Don't go anywhere, I couldn't bear it.